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Sunday, January 31, 2010


My husband has varicocile repair on the 9th of March. I'm ready, and I know he is as well. He will be sore and need lots of TLC. I know we need to take this one step at a time and my husband won't even let me talk about what will happen if it doesn't work. However, my mind can't help but go there because not only does he have a varicocile, but I have PCOS and a blocked tube. This is another added factor. So, I feel like we are waiting to make decisions again. However, these steps are far more than what we have been doing the last few years, which is nothing. 

So, while we wait I hear more pregnancy announcements. Some I actually roll my eyes at and others I cry about.   One eye roll one is my ex sister in law (now 40 with an 18 and 10 year old daughters) who is remarried and is pregnant. Its really not known by all now, but thats the second sister in law(age 40)  that I have that is pregnant.  They needed no help to get pregnant and I'm pretty certain both were just accidental. These are a slap in the face.  Most women that age struggle to get pregnant.

Its frustrating to see people get this so easily.  Maybe they take it for granted more.

Thursday, January 28, 2010


If a MAN can do it why can't I??? What in the world?? This is just GROSS.

Monday, January 25, 2010

10 years ago

This post will not be about infertility at ALL.  10 years ago on January 26th I lost a good friend to sucicide.  Each year on this date I hurt.. deeply. I hate thist time of year. Blake and I had dated the Summer before, but the relationship did not last due largely in part to his depression.  I remember crying because I couldn't help him and trying to reach out to him, but its tough to reach out to someone who doesn't want to be reached by anyone.   We did remain friends though. There are things I will not forget about him. We found a common bond as we were from towns close to each other.  He was tall, dark skin and so good looking.  These things alone odviously can't prevent a person from being depressed.

That time in my life his suicide was the worst hurt I had endured.  I will never forget the moment I found out he died (at a party). I was sick all night and I couldn't sleep. The following weeks were a painful blur. I went to his memorial and did what I needed to do to go on. I didn't date afterwards for a while because I didn't think it would be fair to anyone to have to deal with my emotions. I could cry at the drop of a hat at certain songs.   I know how much I was hurting, so I can't even fathom how much his family was hurting.

I think it was at that time my outlook on life changed. First, you can't look at someone and realized they are depressed. Second,  you can't forgo your own personal emotional well being to help others. Last, God is HUGE in our lives. Faith is so important. I remember READING and READING the Bible looking for what it said about suicide and what happened to you after you died. I found nothing.  I remember comments from people telling me "He went to Hell."  THAT HURT!!!!  I prayed constantly for him and still do. That is all I can do for him. When someone dies in a car wreck you have the comfort they are in a better place and with suicide you don't. I'd like to think that God judges you based on how you lived, not how you died.   I immersed myself in my school work, and as a result had an awesome GPA that semester. 

The pain has greatly subsided, but the memories of him are still there. I can go for a LONG time not thinking about him. I've gotten married, graduated from college, moved and planned to have children since then. However, I do have days where I just HURT all day and can't stop thinking about him. The first two years afterwards those days happened often, now they happen rarely except on the anniversary of his death.  Certain songs from that time bring me back and I simply have to change the radio or torture myself and listen to them.  

Depression is not a joke. What may seem trivial to you can be the breaking point for somone else.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

We have progress...SORTA

Friday my husband was set up for a test called SVA (Seminal Vesicle Aspiration). Basically, the doc inserted a needle up his butt and took a sample from his tubes. The purpose was to see if there was any blockage. The procedure sucked, but there is no blockage. Not to mention we got results from past tests that he took in December. His DNA looks good along with his sperm production hormone. He does have a severe varicocile on his left side and a small one on his right. So, next month he will be having surgery to reverse these. At this time he will also have a tesicular biopsy to see if any good swimmers are in there to use for IVF. The varicocile repair will serve two purposes. It will reduce pain he has been having and it will increase sperm count and hopefully quality. So, this is a one step at a time thing.  His count was 1 million with no swimming. SUCKS!!!! I know there is little the can do for motility from zero.  If there was some swimming it would be different.

What we find at the biopsy will lead us to more questions. What do we do if we can't use hubby's sperm??? Do we use a donor??? Do we TELL people if we use a donor??? I look in my husband's amazing eyes and I can't imagine having a baby with anyone else BUT him. The man has BEAUTIFUL blue eyes. I use to say it was all or none.  I use to say I know what we would do. We would adopt if the only option was sperm donor (if it was egg donor we would use my sister's since we are identical twins), but as with so many things its not cut and dry.  I'm thankful we have a great doctor who knows his stuff.  When he asked if we would do IVF I think he was prepared for us to be leary.  Odviously, we aren't. 

On the emotional aspect of this. I wonder in the end if we do IVF and it fails will it all be worth it. Its costly emotionally and financially. Will I still see it as an "I want to at least TRY for our own?" or have I reached my personal emotional breaking point?? Has time lost (6 and half years) in of it self been my personal burden, not fertility treatments, and should be move forth with adoption?  Had we tested my husband this extensively one year after trying I would be jumping on the IVF rollercoaster in the front seat, hands up in the air for the added thrill. Now, I've changed as a person.   I feel I've grown and been given much more time to think, pray and reflect.  I wish I could see in the future.. I wish I knew what would happen with each path we could take.  Time and lack of insurance coverage has given me way too much time to think.  I wish it was siimple for us and these weren't things we knew. I wish I was as clueless about all this, but I'm not. 

I'm envious of those with insurance coverage for all of this. It simply would make my decision much more easier. It just would. 

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


I believe it was a mere week or so ago I said to my husband, "If we adopt I want to do Domestic Adoption."  Well, since this earthquake my mind may have shifted just a tad.  I don't know if watching all the coverage is making me REALLY want to adopt a baby from Haiti or what.  Right after the earthquake I didn't think "OH HOW SAD!!!" I thought "WOW.. there will be a ton of orphans." YEAH, I know totally selfish. Now, don't get me wrong I do think this earthquake is horrible and feel deeply for those people as they are losing all of what they had. 

So, I did a pre app for an agency that works with Haiti. One thing I am concerned about is we will not be able to match since we haven't been married 10 years. I am hoping maybe the requirements will be changed given the situation.  With this one agency the apps have increased by 300% this week alone. At this time its chaos and they don't want to give children up for adoption who have families that are alive.  So, the next few weeks will tell quite a bit. I think they are trying to rush the adoption process in this situation. At least that is their main goal as it USE to take a mere few months to identify a child. The time between identification and placement was about 18-24 months.

I've just about become fed up with the Infertility doctors. It seems that one step forward is just one step back. We do have appointments set up for MORE diagnositc  procedures to be done, and we will keep them. Answers are important to me.  However, with as much money that we have paid I expect better service. My husband and  I are starting to feel like more of a Science project as a couple. I know this is a common feeling, but its so impersonal. 

I am keeping my eyes peeled on the news about this. I am also following this blog that REALLY seems to be on the Up and up about all this for totally clueless people like me.

Monday, January 18, 2010


I know there is a lot of ignorance towards infertility. Most people don't "get it." However, I did not realize the ignorance towards adoption.  I was sitting with a group of people the other day and someone made a comment that they had 3 boys and were not having anymore(due to having a tubal ligation) because she wouldn't spend the 10,000 to reverse it. I don't blame her, but its what she said afterwards and people's responses to it that made me realize most don't get adoption either.   She said "I'll just go to China and get myself a little girl." Now, I'm fully aware she was probably joking. I asked her if she had $27,000? Then another lady piped up and said, "I thought it was $5000."  WHAT?? 

 Its not like I am looking at China adoption. I'm not. We simply don't qualify.  Neither do MANY others. To many adoption is Black and white. In their eyes it is simple.  Just like infertility, from the outside looking in it looks simple, however both are difficult in their own right from the day you make your decision until the wait after the paperwork.

Saturday, January 9, 2010


I saw this and had to post it.  I am going to have to buy this book from Amazon.  I feel like it is important to sort through these things and defenintley have felt all of this at one time or another in the past 6 and half years.  Some people I know can go straight to adoption without taking a detour through fertility treatments.  I can understand why.  The adoption route may hold more certainty than the treatment route.  I'm glad a book about adoption brought up these aspects of not having your own children. As I have said before Adoption for an infertile couple is Ultimate acceptance of your situation.
In her book ADOPTING: Sound Choices, Strong Families, Patricia Irwin Johnston goes through 6 significant losses related to infertility.

The Losses (in no particular order):

The Loss of Control Over Many Aspects Of Life (sex life-treatments, when/where to move, when/if to change jobs, what size of car to buy because next month could be "the" month, etc.). We put off A LOT "just in case" we had a baby. We put off my husbands school, moving, buying a home(probably not the smartest choice to put off) and other things because of it.  We won't get in to too many details on the sex life affects, but yes there has been an affect. We have decided our next car will be an SUV.. baby or no baby. We need more room.  Instead of arguing over how to care for a baby we have an added hurdle to endure.  We have argued about how we will produce a child.  If we can go have a baby like everyone else our lives would be different. Our concerns would be different.  Heck, the money factor alone is enough to make you feel like you've lost total control. Diangnosis ALONE we've already spent over 2000 out of pocket for he and I. This is WITH insurance. I'm paying a massive amount of money to do what 90% of people do for free. I think thats one of my biggest beefs with infertility is the dang cost. We would probably have a family by now, but thanks to the costs time has snuck on by.

The Loss of Genetic Continuity, Linking Past and Future (breaking your family blood line, no mini-me, etc.) I have thought about this a lot lately.   If we had a genetic child that child would be blood related to my sister and I only not anyone else in my family.  However, with my husband it would of course be genetically related to his.  I've thought about this if we had to use donor eggs or sperm. I'd hate to lose his genetics more than mine.   Not to mention when the baby is born people automatically look for similarities in the parents. That is fun to do.  My husband looks JUST like his grandfather did when he was younger and at times he looks a lot like his father. I know what my biological family looks like and I look like my Aunt and mom.  Thats the first stuff I wanted to know besides medical when I found my biolgical family. Who do I LOOK like??? Plus...we looked similar as babies and I would love to see if our baby will look the same.

The Loss ofChild With A Beloved Partner (seeing the combo of you and your mate, bonding your families together, etc.)  This is touched upon in the perviouis part. 

The Loss of the Physical Satisfaction of Pregnancy and Birth (the ultimate expression of femininity or masculinity, finally feeling like an "adult", not experiencing baby kicks/hiccups/contractions/labor, etc.) No one can tell me "Well, pregnancy is not THAT great." My mom had some problems during one of her pregnancies and she still talks about it 40 years later. It was a very important part of her life.  This is one of the reasons women will go to the ends of the earth to get pregnant.  One thing that makes us OK with going through stuff each month is, "Well, one day I'll have a baby out of if."  Who doesn't want to feel their baby kick??? If we adopted we would hear from someone else how the child was behaving while she was pregnant. Hearing and experiencing are two different things even if it includes stretch marks.

The Loss of the Emotional Gratification Of Pregnancy and Birth (bonding experience with baby/spouse/friends/family, feeling pampered/cared for/protected by others, finally succeeding, etc.)  OK..... I have to admit I am a tad selfish and I want to be pampered damnit!!!!   I have felt like it was "my turn" a LONG time ago. So talk about emotional gratification when it finally happens!!!! My mother in law once said to me, "I will spoil you when you get pregnant." This is when my sister in law was pregnant with baby number 2.  That stung. Now, she said this before our diangosis, so I can forgive that I guess. However, it did cross my mind. "What if I never get pregnant?" In the beginning of trying I would make plans on how I would tell my husband. I still have that plan and EVEN if we get pregnant through IVF I plan to use it in SOME way. I've had 6 and half years to perfect it. I also feel that its important to pamper adoptive moms to be as well. There is a Paper Pregnant shower that is the coolest idea.  Its to get a little bit of the pampering that pregnant women get that we may never receive, even if its only for a few hours.  I also feel like baby showers are VERY important for people who are adopting. The baby may be at its own shower. Throw an adoptive parent the EXACT showers you would throw them if they were physically pregnant.   The games may be a tad different. I was at a New Year's Party last year and there was a group of moms there. They were sitting there talking about their children, pregnancies and everything else. Everyone who wasn't parents(VERY few by the way) were at the other end of the room watching the ball drop. So, there is a bond among those who have been pregnant and parented. I wonder if we adopted how I would feel amongst a group of those mothers talking about their pregnancies. That would be a part I couldn't talk about.

The Loss of the Opportunity To Parent (considered a normal developmental life milestone, society standard commonality, where to channel those natural nurturing needs, etc.) Now this is what adoptive moms DO get. We get the ultimate job of parenting and raising a child that we will love. That is our ultimate goal.  I wonder at times if infertility keeps you from remembering your ultimate goal. There are reminders everywhere. However, you go through something for SO long and you forget why you were there in the first place.  I'm telling you six and half years is a LONG time (and we will probably be waiting even longer) when others wait only a few months. There is a huge difference in my mindframe from then and now,

Finally, On a side note. If we adopt it will not be because someone suggested it to us. It will be after other things have been resolved and spoken about between my husband and I.  I know some family members who will have an "I told you so smug attitude" if we adopt and end up with a baby. That will upset me more than being told to "just relax."  This is NOT a decision you make just because of a suggestion. 
I know everyone has different experiences with adoption and infertility. I always wonder what other people going through this feel. HOW can you go straight to adoption??? 

Wednesday, January 6, 2010


I logged on to Facebook Monday morning (yes, the root of all evil and pregnancy announcments) the other morning and I saw on someone's comments, "by the way congrats on the baby, babies are a blessing from God." OK... NORMALLY I roll my eyes and think "GOOD LORD these people are announcing this all over Facebook GAG me!!" Not on this one. This was a friend of mine who has been trying to get pregnant LONGER than me (Yes.. people who have been trying longer than 6 and half years DO exist and she was about to pull out a loan to do IVF).

SHE GOT PREGNANT the old fashion way.. you know the way they taught you in 6th Grade??? Yeah.. THAT way.
She has had 6 mediciated  IUI cycles (she's the one who told me about the lovely side effects of the medicine, thus scaring the crap out of me) and never got pregnant and all of a sudden things start working and BAM.

.I knew she had recently had Gastric Bypass surgery(her theory was since insurance won't cover my IVF I'm going to get SOMETHING out of them). So I texted her and asked her if she was pregnant. She responded "Yes, and I'm going to KILL my uncle for writing that."  (since then the post has been deleted).  She had only told family and wasn't actually planning announcing it on Facebook.. um ever. I  was truly happy for her. . I spoke with her last night and she said that she's still shocked and scared since she's only 6 weeks. She got pregnant naturally. Apparently losing the weight made her ovulate regularly and she got pregnant six months after that. How cool is that?? Oh.. I wish my situation was that simple, but according to my docs its not. Dangit!!!!!  So, we are praying this pregnancy sticks. I know she would be devestated if it doesn't.  These situations always give me hope for myself that pregnancy isn't as illusive and is a REAL thing not a bizarre happening that at this time is totally out of reach.

Nothing makes me want to be pregnant more than a pregnancy announcment though no matter what direction it comes from.  One day I can be all, "OK we will look in to adoption." Then I SWEAR the next day here come two or three pregnancy announcements. Its like taking a pregnancy test and the next day I get my period. FOOL PROOF way to get things going.

Oh on another note...You have to go to this site for some comic relief. The sad thing is most of this is true. I showed it to my mom and she felt sorry for me. I was like, "Are you kidding this is the thoughts that go through my head all the time?? Please don't feel sorry for me."

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Christmas x2

To some people it may be comforting to hear what could be worse in life than your current situation. A soldier at war who has lost his legs may greive their loss of legs, but be thankful to God that they are alive. Does that make their reality of losing their legs anymore real or less painful. No. They still lost their ability to walk again. They have to grieve that loss. To tell them "Well, it could be worse," could fall on deaf ears because at that time its the worst thing they have to learn to live with.  By telling them this, the only person you made feel better was yourself.

The above situation is how I feel about comments made to me recently.  A few months ago I was given a pregnancy announcement, and I didn't take it well. This was IMMEDIATLEY followed by telling me that someone we knew had terminal cancer. The whole reasoning was to tell me this at that very moment was as to make me think, "you think you've got it bad this person will DIE." That's just not fair. It made me feel guilty for being upset about a pregnancy announcment.. I hate that because its like there is this imaginary scale of life experiences and which is more painful.  Its almost like people use these things as arsenals to minimize your situation and make you think, "Well, its not THAT bad" or "I'm overexaggerating." While in the end you feel like your feelings don't matter.

Another situation happened over Christmas when given another pregnancy announcement and I started crying in front of family.  Yes it was lovely. I hate that because it makes me SO vulnerable and its something usually only my hubby sees. Its something I don't want anyone else to see because they don't get it. However, you see a trend here of what sets me off.  This  person was not only cruel in their choice of words, but smug to say the least.  I felt they took my vulnerable state and rolled with it. This is one person I learned LONG AGO not to share anything with as she has a tendency to make it worse. She stated that after she had her child she couldn't have anymore due to a hysterecomy. So essentially this person was trying to make me feel guilty for being upset because they experienced something similar.  I'm not going to play the Pain Olympics, but there is a difference between 1 versus zero.  Then for what I felt was the ultimate low blow.. she brought up someone who had a baby die at 20 weeks about 3 years back. How cruel can you be???Do they think I'm that selfish to not think that losing a baby would horrible. I'm well aware that it is a reality and is one of my greatest fears as I know pregnancy does not always equal baby in the end.  They were pulling at straws to make me think other people have it worse. That works with.. NO ONE. Just as telling someone, "Well at least you could get pregnant" after multiple miscarriages doesn't work either.  The only thing this person succeeded in was making me want to hit them. I had to leave the house. 

  So, I decided to take this as a lesson learned.  When someoene is upset, let them be uspet. Don't compare YOUR pain or someone elses unfortunate life situations to theirs because its just not fair. No matter how small it may seem in your eyes. Its not at all in theirs.  Let them deal the way they know how.  I have learned when I hear pregnancy announcements I need my husband.  NO ONE ELSE!!!  I also can't be around the person giving the announcement. Nothing against them, but its how I cope. I have to be able to get away, cry, be upset, reasses and then come back. To made to feel guilty about how I've learned to deal with it is not fair.  I was not given that opportunity this Christmas. It was just thrown out there and I was not able to get away.  To mock my reaction is cruel.