Our Little Family

Christmas x2

jamiegraham1979@gmail.com (Jamie) — Sat, 02 Jan 2010 19:10:00 +0000

To some people it may be comforting to hear what could be worse in life than your current situation. A soldier at war who has lost his legs may greive their loss of legs, but be thankful to God that they are alive. Does that make their reality of losing their legs anymore real or less painful. No. They still lost their ability to walk again. They have to grieve that loss. To tell them "Well, it could be worse," could fall on deaf ears because at that time its the worst thing they have to learn to live with. By telling them this, the only person you made feel better was yourself.

The above situation is how I feel about comments made to me recently. A few months ago I was given a pregnancy announcement, and I didn't take it well. This was IMMEDIATLEY followed by telling me that someone we knew had terminal cancer. The whole reasoning was to tell me this at that very moment was as to make me think, "you think you've got it bad this person will DIE." That's just not fair. It made me feel guilty for being upset about a pregnancy announcment.. I hate that because its like there is this imaginary scale of life experiences and which is more painful. Its almost like people use these things as arsenals to minimize your situation and make you think, "Well, its not THAT bad" or "I'm overexaggerating." While in the end you feel like your feelings don't matter.

Another situation happened over Christmas when given another pregnancy announcement and I started crying in front of family. Yes it was lovely. I hate that because it makes me SO vulnerable and its something usually only my hubby sees. Its something I don't want anyone else to see because they don't get it. However, you see a trend here of what sets me off. This person was not only cruel in their choice of words, but smug to say the least. I felt they took my vulnerable state and rolled with it. This is one person I learned LONG AGO not to share anything with as she has a tendency to make it worse. She stated that after she had her child she couldn't have anymore due to a hysterecomy. So essentially this person was trying to make me feel guilty for being upset because they experienced something similar. I'm not going to play the Pain Olympics, but there is a difference between 1 versus zero. Then for what I felt was the ultimate low blow.. she brought up someone who had a baby die at 20 weeks about 3 years back. How cruel can you be???Do they think I'm that selfish to not think that losing a baby would horrible. I'm well aware that it is a reality and is one of my greatest fears as I know pregnancy does not always equal baby in the end. They were pulling at straws to make me think other people have it worse. That works with.. NO ONE. Just as telling someone, "Well at least you could get pregnant" after multiple miscarriages doesn't work either. The only thing this person succeeded in was making me want to hit them. I had to leave the house.

So, I decided to take this as a lesson learned. When someoene is upset, let them be uspet. Don't compare YOUR pain or someone elses unfortunate life situations to theirs because its just not fair. No matter how small it may seem in your eyes. Its not at all in theirs. Let them deal the way they know how. I have learned when I hear pregnancy announcements I need my husband. NO ONE ELSE!!! I also can't be around the person giving the announcement. Nothing against them, but its how I cope. I have to be able to get away, cry, be upset, reasses and then come back. To made to feel guilty about how I've learned to deal with it is not fair. I was not given that opportunity this Christmas. It was just thrown out there and I was not able to get away. To mock my reaction is cruel.

Christmas

jamiegraham1979@gmail.com (Jamie) — Sat, 26 Dec 2009 19:43:00 +0000

OK... this blog has gotten far too depressing.. YIKES!! I promise in real life I am somewhat more fun than this. Christmas was fun and instead of making me sad to be around babies I was incrediably happy. I mean totally. My in laws have people who work for them who have a 10 month old and a 2 and half year old with one on the way. Even I panic at the thought of 3 at that age. I got to hold and play with them all Christmas morning. I was in hog heaven and I'm sure their mom was OK with having them off her hands for a little while. Seeing my Sister-in-Law was good too. She was odviously pregnant, but I felt no jealousy at all. I think the main reason is because she had lost a child at 20 weeks and we spoke about how nice it must be for others to take their pregnancies so casually. She's at 23 weeks with this one and doing well physically. H er nurse sister has done a sono each week. That sounds like something I would be doing. I'd be a sono addict. Is there a Songram Anonymous?? If there is please sign me up now. I'm addicted to seeing my insides. They are kinda cool.

I learned something. I have gotten where I can't stand being asked questions about my infertility. I use to be non complacent about it. Now, I find it super intrusive. I need to remember that for myself because I know I've been guilty of that with other people. I autotmatically assume since I was so open about it that others who are going through it are as well. Some aren't, AT ALL!!! I had cousins asking me questions and they got all sympahetic. YUCK YUCK YUCK!!!!! I couldn't tell if it was real or fake, but I didn't want to go in to details about where we were on the process of this with them. I don't even know how they knew about our situation, but most people assume fertility treatments mean IVF when there isn't anything further from the truth. They don't get that, I don't care to explain it to people who I only see like 2 or three times a year. Its too much emotional energy.

On another note there was a pregnancy announcement that threw me for a major loop Christmas Eve from my hubby's cousin who is engaged. What the heck happened to getting married FIRST???? I mean COME ON!!!!! Is that a lost art??? Anyways, I took it hard. I won't go in to detials, but it wasn't pretty. I think sometimes the announcments are harder on me sometimes. I want to get back to the place where I was happy for others and sad for myself. That was a better place to be.
So, emotionally I was all over the place this Christmas.

I hope everyone had a good Christmas.

Delayed reaction to Christmas

jamiegraham1979@gmail.com (Jamie) — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 18:17:00 +0000

OK... from what I am reading on other blogs dealing with infertility I think I had a delayed reaction to what Christmas means to those who can't have children. Some people who are only on year two of this are in far worse of a place than I was at that point. That could be because at that point not only was I young, but we had very little money, so while not getting pregnant was painful I was almost of the mind frame that God did not intend for this to happen for us right now. Not to mention every time I mentioned it to my husband he'd blow it off. To him it was a we can't do anything about it right now why even discuss it thing. THAT has TOTALLY changed. THANK GOD!!!

We'd spend Christmas with my parents and watch my younger cousins and neices open presents. We never received any because only children got presents. This really should be no big deal because Christmas should be all about giving, but we have no children and while we love our neices, nephews and numerous cousins watching kids that are not yours open presents can only be so fun for so long after so many years. My parents would make us attend saying "Its all about the Children." I'd agree and feel guilty that I was upset about not getting anything. I'd feel selfish.

Then came the year that my cousin who is ten years older than me, met her husband a year after I got married, married him a year after that, got pregnant immediatly showed up with her new baby in tow. The baby of course was the highlight of the Christmas and rightfully so, but I think for the FIRST time ever I had a strong emotional reaction to somone else having children and not me. I was surprised by it. I had to run out of the room praying to God that no one saw me crying. My Sister-In-Law I think was waiting for me to break down or could see it in my face because she chased me to the bathroom saying, "You can adopt." I went back in to the room later hoping no one noticed, and I don't think they did. I remember feeling incredibly guilty. I hated that.

Now, fast forward to this year... 3 years later after that incident. I thought time would make it easier, but it hasn't. In years past we have done Angel Adoptions and bought gifts for children, just to be able to buy gifts for a child. I'm certain this year we will do the same, However, this year I would LOVE to skip Christmas. I would like to stay at my house and just be with my husband and puppies. WHY??? Well.... My pregnant Sister-in-Law and another pregant person will be there. At this time I don't care to be around it. I may feel different the day of Christmas, but I just don't care to hear all the pregnancy details. The only reason I am going is to keep My Mother-In-Law from disowning my husband.

I have a doctor's appointment on the 23rd and for the FIRST time through all of this I am going to ask my doctor for some anxiety medicine. Even if I need it to survive Christmas I don't care. Unfortunantley this is a situation I can not remove myself from unlike a baby shower (where I can walk out or go to the bathroom if I get upset). This siutation I'm stuck in a house full of people. While some people can make it through this on prayer alone and I can't tell you how much I admire that and am in awe of some people's strength.
I can't. Not this year.

Facebook

jamiegraham1979@gmail.com (Jamie) — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 14:22:00 +0000

If anything starts drama it most certaintly is Facebook!!! Now, the thing is most of this is self imposed drama due to pics and status updates alone. The other half is based on who is "friended" and who is not. Now, I'm not one for holding too much in. However, on Facebook I have to. When I see a pregnancy announcment I have choices. I can chose to swallow my pride and congratulate them or just not say a thing or I could be totally cruel and say "AGAIN??" or something mean and all sorts of catty sounding that would defenintly start all sorts of drama. So, mostly I don't say anything.

Recently, one person on my Facebook wrote something to the effect of having a fantasy of what life would be like single and childless. Now, I understand needing "me time." We ALL need that. However, if you are going to post that for the world to see(even your Mother in Law) you need to be ready for the backlash. So, I wrote back, If you knew the reality behind those words they would take them back. That didn't go over so well. To me if you wish your life was different you DO have a right to vent that. We ALL have those wondering momments. I totally get that even without kids. HOWEVER, my first reaction was to tell her "Be careful what you wish for because I can tell you the reality of what life is like without kids."

Remember though, that your status updates can be seen by all and if you want the world to know what is going on in your private life or how you are feeling for only a moment then be ready for the consequences. Be ready for judegment and cruel words if you say something mean that you feel at the moment and may not feel an hour later. There are momments that I want to write the truth, but I don't need hundreds of opinions and comments, and mostly only a VERY small percentage know what we are going through family making wise and I'd like to keep it that way. Now, I do have a link on my profile to Resolve on there for a reason to clue people in and hopefully to keep them from asking questions about why I don't have kids. Situations like this have made me more aware of what I write. I'm trying to stick to "Its cold" etc from now on. NO MATTER what is going on IRL!!!

Dr. Appointments, snow and Target

jamiegraham1979@gmail.com (Jamie) — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 14:47:00 +0000

It snowed Friday afternoon, and being from Texas that is a RARITY!!! So, teaching was pretty much useless on Friday. I was concerned(OK Panicked is a MUCH better word) because it was suppose to freeze and my husband had a very very important Dr appointment. Yes, after 6 and a half long emotionally draining years, and 3 different doctors we are finally able to get him PROPERLY diagnosed(I'll explain later my totally out of the blue emotional reaction to this). We were so excited because it was a step forward. We got there and look at the forms and low and behold on them it has a list of things you have to pay UPFRONT(this wasn't included in the paperwork they sent us via e-mail). We tallied up the cost that we would have to pay at the first appointment and it equaled out to around $250. I was upset not to have been told this over the phone or in the packet of paperwork they sent us prior, but we NEEEDED to have this appointment and couldn't afford to cancel it, so I figured we would suck up the cost. Well... 2 hours and a very invasive exam or two later the grand total was $400!!! He had to have a special test because his count etc was just THAT bad and we are that special. I am filling out a claim form TODAY along with receipts etc, but its Christmas and we have gifts to buy and bills to pay. So needless to say I was more than a little upset about that.

That night was spent with me pouting and very upset at paying this. The next morning I was feeling a little better. I'd gotten over the fact we spent so much and decided to try "shop." I went in to one store and then met my husband in Target. We went to X-mas isle and behind us was stocking stuffers and I just LOST it(told you it was totally out of the blue). All I could think of was, "What if we never have kids to give stocking stuffers to?" "What if we deplete every account we have to get a child and have nothing to show for it EVEN through adoption?" My mind was going in all sorts of directions. I tried to pray to calm me down which usually helps, but not this time(GREAT IN PUBLIC TOO THANKS!!!) I had to hide my head in my husbands jacket so that people didn't think I was totally insane and I was just overly affectionate in public. Poor guy. All he could say was "What do you want me to do?" I had no idea what he could do, but I know I had to go to a different section of the store. I decided I could look at Xmas trees and be OK. WRONG!!!! What was the first thing I saw with the ornaments??? "Babys first Christmas" ornament set. I have been close to having panic attacks before, but this was different. The room started spinning and I honestly thought I was going to pass out or throw up. I wasn't too sure. I probably would have had my husband not had the frame of mind to get me out of there. We left the STORE immediatly which just HAPPENS to be right by a Babies-R-Us. So, pregnant people were everywhere(or it felt that way).

I thought I woudd be happy with being able to go forward and I am. I truly am, but the mere fact that it took us years to get to just the starting point really got to me. This is the point we should of been at 3 or so more years ago. The way it looks right now my husband will have to have surgery this coming year for at least a varicocile(which we have known about for a while) and possibly some other things that they are testing for right now and in January. I'm OK with surgery. I'd happily undergo 4 surgeries each if the end result means a child.

Faith

jamiegraham1979@gmail.com (Jamie) — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 01:02:00 +0000

As long as we have been in this infertility trial I honestly don't feel like I have lost faith in God. Now, to say I haven't had my "Why me moments" (days) would be an overexaggeration along with momments of frustration with Him. I still feel and hopefully will always feel that God knows what He is doing. My faith can't be one of convienince. I can't say "OK God I'll believe in more if you just make my body do what I want it to do." or "bring a child to us through adoption." We are a lot like little children at times I think. We pout and say "I'm not talking to you until you do what I say." So, what do we do when we finally get an answer to our prayer??? Do we say "Thank You and" and forget when we turned our backs on Him ??? That again is childless and something I am striving not to do.

To lose faith in God would be counterproductive I think. I can see how it can happen in all honesty because when we pray we seem to expect God's answer to be "Yes" especially when it comes to something as basic as having a child. We don't understand why others get their prayers answered and we don't. Reminding myself that God is in control is difficult especially as more people around me are able to go on with their lives.

Thankgiving

jamiegraham1979@gmail.com (Jamie) — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 14:16:00 +0000

My Thanksgiving was great!!!! I spent time with my family and had some(TOO much great food). We kept ourselves busy by shopping and just enjoying each others company. We even did the EARLY morning Black Friday thing. We swore we would never do it again, but this year we found ourselves at Wal--Mart way too early in the morning. My hubby got his laptop though, so all it right with his world:) We went to the Country Peddlers show and there was SOOO much there. I LOVE going there. I'm trying to get in the X-Mas spirit this year by decorating my house.

Birthfamilies

jamiegraham1979@gmail.com (Jamie) — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 15:43:00 +0000

Since I am very strongly considering adoption this has given me time to reflect on my own adoption and how I want my child to view their biological families (these days call First Parents), its also a good way to see what I want done in our situation that may of possibly been overlooked in my own.

I was adopted through the state and those adoptions are normally closed. However, since I was finally given to my parents at the age of 4 after being fostered by family for 2 or so years (adoption finalized at 6 due to paperowork mishaps) I had memories and it was my parents choice if they wanted contact with the biological family. We kept contact with my biological grandmother who I remember adoring. However, we did not keep contact with our biological mom or dad. We were told by my biological grandparents that they did not know where she was(this turned out to be false) We were always told "she was too young to have children" and it was too much for her. I always accepted that answer and went on with my life. Turns out that was the truth. Given these facts alone I can see quickly that my family would of been one of disfunction had I stayed with them. Not to say my adoptive family is perfect(however they are pretty awesome) I feel a great sense of security with them far more than I ever did with my biological family.

If I ever had and questions towards my adoption it was: Why the HECK did my biological mom NOT give us up for adoption on her own? I KNOW she was young. I KNOW its difficult. However, it would of prevented some unfortunate situations from happening to my older sister who was also eventually adopted as well. The state had to step in . Its one reason I get upset when I see girls getting pregnant so young. Their situation could easily be the same.

While my reasons for adopting will be different than my own parents, they are helping me with the process. My view of my child's biological parent (family) will be different than what they viewed ours as.

Weekend

jamiegraham1979@gmail.com (Jamie) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 14:32:00 +0000

My hubby graduated from the Fire Academy this weekend!!! I spent Friday cleaning and getting ready. It was a great weekend and he was on cloud nine when he found out he had passed all sections of his State Exam and the overall exam. This honestly was no easy feat. 7 out of 26 failed to the point that they will have to retake the whole thing. If he had failed one section he would have to retake that section only. Now, he can go on to take the EMT class. I heard more pregnancy announcements this weekend. I swear they are everywhere. I heard them all as I was stuck in a car with family and I couldn't leave. Jumping out of a car on a busy highway is probably not a good idea. So, I prayed I wouldn't get angry especially when one of the announcements was enough to make my blood boil. The prayer worked because pretty quickly I had put it in the back of my mind. Now, the person giving the announcements probably wasn't too thrilled that I wasn't jumping up and down for joy, but hey give me credit I'm still working on the anger part. I just kept telling myself, "God has a plan for me." With this said.. I have to tell you what happened later that evening..... I kind of see it as God's reward for being "good" and not getting angry.

We were at my cousin's house celebrating my hubby's graduation when in walked this couple (a little older.. mid 40s early 50s) with THE CUTEST little boy!!! I couldn't help but smile. I wasn't certain if he was theirs or what the deal was. He was a little darker, but not much, so he could of easily been theirs. You know how genetics works!!!! So, I asked them if the baby was theirs and they said they had adopted them. Well, I'm finding myself drawn to families that have adopted, and I said, "I HAVE to talk to you." So, she told me the story and then told me that the agency she went through only goes off referrals. Someone who has adopted through there has to refer someone else to adopt and she would refer us!!! Of course I was thrilled. It seems the more I become open to adoption the more it surrounds me. I find more people who have adopted. Its really tooo cool.

Update: Please pray for this family. This mom just had twins and one was diagnosed with Bacterial Meningitis. I don't know much about it, but keep them in your prayers. This is a blog I have read almost daily and never really commented on. http://www.conceptiondeception.blogspot.com/

All better

jamiegraham1979@gmail.com (Jamie) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 13:02:00 +0000

Ok... put a band aid on my wound I'm all better now... sorta.
I feel better about my Sister-In-Law being pregnant. I have NO IOTA of a clue why I do, but I do. Now, I'm not all up for hearing details about it, but I've come to the conclusion my anger won't make anything go away no matter how hard I try. I've officially diagnosed myself as bipolar on certain aspects in life. When I hear pregnancy announcements all I want to do is freak out and do fertility treatments. Then, in time I chill out and thne lean towards adoption. This little war is so much fun in my head, let me tell you. I read adoption blogs and think.. "WOW!" Then, I think of the reality.. The paperwork etc. I do have to admit that earlier this year I started collecting photos and going to the scrapbooking store to make a family scrapbook. I even found some cool adoption scrapbook pages. So, I have the stuff. Has it gotten started yet??? HA. Those good intentions get you everytime.

I think pouring yourself in to the process is what you have to do to get through the reality of it all. I wish more people would give their babies up for adoption. This, of course is a selfish wish. If we adopted, we would have to wait until we had something more than our one bedroom apartment. So, we probably wouldn't even get started on the process until next Summer. HOWEVER, this does give me time to get the scrapbook ready as it would take me 6 months to do it. I'm certain it takes others a month or so, but I did start collecting stuff back in January and February, so history proves this will take me a while.

Things I know IF we adopt (and tomorrow I could totally change my mind. Told ya I'm bipolar about this).

1. I want an infant or a young baby.
2. I want a semi open or open adoption.
3. If I adopt once I'll probably adopt again.
4. NO if I adopt I will NOT get pregnant if I adopt. I can't scream that loudly enough. It won't happen. Thank. you. very. much. That happens to people who have unexplained infertility, and we are SO not unexplained.
5. We'd move closer to our families.

So, we'll see.

Selfish

jamiegraham1979@gmail.com (Jamie) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Yes... someone told me I was being selfish and reminded me that my sister in law didnt get pregnant to torture me.(DUH!!!) and God tells us to put others before ourselves.To give this person credit they did say it after they said, "I have no idea what you are going through." I'm not mad at my Sister-In-Law. I'm mad at my own non working body and frustrated. Easy pregnancies are a harsh reminder of what I can't have.

First, I want to say.. I don't know what the rules are for emotional feelings with infertility. I'm fully aware that others go through life crises too. They don't know the rules either. I've prayed a lot, I 've done journaling, speaking with others going through this, and have done what I can to make myself better. That doesn't make me selfish. I've been told what I'm feeling is normal which is fine and dandy, but being called selfish hurts, but makes you reflect on why someone would say that. It might seem that infertility is all I think about. Its not. I eat, sleep, clean, pay bills and deal with other life stuff. This is just a seven year long life crisis(didn't feel like one as much at first, but is sure does now)

However, I really thought about it because from the outside looking in I can totally see how I can be perceived that way. I mean I don't celebrate pregnancies, baby showers, and totally avoid maternity wards at all cost unless I have to go in them. What this person doesn't realize is I use to LOVE to go look at the babies at the hospitals until just a few years ago even when dealing with infertility. It gave me hope. Kinda resparked my want/need for a child. I would honestly celebrate pregnancy announcements and happily attend baby showers without putting on a fake face thinking, "One day it will be my turn and I'll be the one celebrating." I would go to the baby isle and look at all the cute baby things. Now just walking anywhere near that isle hurts. I didn't tell people for YEARS we were trying to get pregnant(you can do that when you get married young. People just think your waiting). So, I kept a lot hidden and faked a lot of smiles and it wore me out. As time has gone on I guess you can say I've beome more cynical to the idea. My mom was talking about baby names if it was a boy or a girl and I just couldn't do it. All I said was "mhm." I guess I'm not at that point yet with this.

As far as putting others before ourselves. I couldn't agree more. However, do I sacrafice myself for the sake of someone else? No. On that note, I truly hope that I can get to the point that I will be happy to have a new neice or nephew. It won't be this kids fault I can't have one. I don't want to speak to my Sister-in-Law because she will try to comfort me and I don't need that from her.

Everyone is different. I had a infertile coworker who attended all the showers(heck she PLANNED THEM), births and anything baby related, but I know she's hurting deeply. I think she does it for the same reason I use to attend them.

I call it Self Preservation. I need my freak out moments. I need to feel whatever it is I'm feeling at that moment. You can't deny yourself your emotions. I've learned that. My emotions have taken me totally by surprise. TOTALLY. I didn't expect to feel anything I have felt. I thought I'd truly be OK with not being able to have kids. Turns out I wasn't.

???

jamiegraham1979@gmail.com (Jamie) — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 17:00:00 +0000

Well, my new (one month of marriage) Sister in Law is pregnant. 12 weeks to be exact... HMMMM do the math. This is my brother's wife. Along with my OTHER sister in law being pregnant with her 3rd one on the other side of the family it makes for an emotional catastrophy for me. My mom called last night (shes known for weeks) and told my husband... I grabbed the phone and asked.. "WHOS PREGNANT???" No one had to tell me I could tell by their conversation that was what was going on. I LOST it. I cried for HOURS and am still amazed at the irony of it all. Statistically, I should have a baby by now. I'm 30 and started trying at 23. She's had 2 kids already. One of them has already had a baby herself. So.. this STUNG bad. I went to sleep last night with a huge headache and woke up so depressed. I got in the tub and tried to think about being happy because I'm getting another neice or nephew(the 12th one) and I couldn't. I just started crying everytime I tried to think of it. I don't know where I am emotionally right now. I know where I was last night, and it was a bad place, but now I honestly don't know. I just hurt. That simple. I use to pretend to be happy for people when they got pregnant. Now, it just takes too much emotional energy.

Grief

jamiegraham1979@gmail.com (Jamie) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 01:36:00 +0000

As women we are conditioned to become mothers. I don't care where you came from. We JUST are. Go look at any toy isle and you will find a babydoll with diapers and all the gear for a three year old to play with to prepare her for motherhood. Now, you won't find this in the boys isles!!! We play house with our friends, put our doll in a stroller and keep them "fed." Growing up and "name" our future children as we talk with our friends. We talk of our future husbands and families and how we want to have 4 children 2 years apart. In Junior High we learn how "babies are made"(some learn before that). We eventually go on to High School and college, get married to someone we love to hopefully reach the goal we set for ourselves at the mere age of three. WOW... such high expectations of ourselves at such a young age.

Along with this Pregnancy is celebrated EVERYWHERE just look at the "Baby Bump"shirts and the baby clothes sections of stores. I mean its a huge market. When a celebrity gets pregnant its news. Its supposedly a wonderful experience. The most amazing feeling in the world. WHO wouldn't want that??

BUT>>>>What happens though when what we had engrained in us growing up doesn't happen.?The birds and the bees don't work, Junior High Science fails us? We learned ALL about birth control. I don't think I saw the term IUI or IVF in my biology book. It all sounded so dang easy. Heck I was told I could get pregnant without even having sex(Someone explain that one to me). Our emotions go out of wack... we have to rechange our thinking... join a new "world." The Fertile world is too painful and far to clueless to understand. We simply GRIEVE... STRONGLY.. There is a name for this grief....

This is called (def) Disenfranchised Grief: when the grief is connected with a loss which cannot be openly acknowledged, publicly mourned or socially supported. In many cases of disenfranchised grief, the relationship is not recognised, the loss is not recognised or the griever is not recognised. The loss of a child through infertility/ miscarriage is usually a loss which cannot be openly acknowledged, which is why people often suffer in silence...people who have experienced any type of loss often feel anger, guilt, sadness, depression, hopelessness and numbness and that in cases of disenfranchised grief, these feelings can persist for a very long time. The lack of recognition of their grief often results in them holding on to it more tenaciously than they might otherwise have done.

Grief strongly needs to acknowledged as "right." What one person may grieve another may not. I feel embarassement, ridicule, and feelings of inadequacy leads to disenfranchised grief. Grief needs an outlet. Some write, take photographs, make friends with others going through similar things and others find strength in their Faith. If one thing I have learned from my struggle with Infertility (and I've learned so many things) is I can't be afraid to feel what I'm feeling even if others "just don't get it" like my insurance company. Each persons loss is different, but acknowledge it.

God's Plan

jamiegraham1979@gmail.com (Jamie) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 19:08:00 +0000

God's Plan and my plan a lot of times just don't mesh. I think at times he has to force his way to say "HELLO I"M HERE and in control you aren't." This happens with many things in life money, big purchases and odviously our "family planning" or lack there of. I've been following a blog of a local couple that had 6 children after having an IUI. Sadly, they just lost the 4th one. stanseljourney.blogspot.com This couple also happened to be in the NY Times who is currently doing a segment(very bias) on fertility treatments.

People's response to their posting of losing their child are heartwrenching and some are just plain cruel. I don't know if I would be able to handle it. Thanks to the lovely artcile in the Times about IVF and multiples that I won't even waste my time adding a link to, the comments are painful. One just really stuck out in my head "It wasn't in God's plan for you to have children you were meant to be inferile."

Now, How the Heck does that person know what God had planned?? I'm just curious. Are they "all knowing?" Do they have a one on one deal with God?? If they know God's plan in my life please tell me because they seem to know someone else's. Odviously, this upsets me as this is a matter that I feel very strongly about, but again its not a chosen path. I think of Rachel in the bible who couldn't have children and others would speak down to her and treat her horribly. She was desperate to have a child and literally on her knees. To assume that times have changes is a radical assumption. The basic desire to have a child is strong, and thank goodness it is there or we would of stopped existing years ago. I know I probably need to learn to ignore such comments, but I feel a very strong need to stick up for those who can't defend themselves.

Job

jamiegraham1979@gmail.com (Jamie) — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 18:11:00 +0000

My husband got a job working with .... ME!!!!! It will be great to carpool and to have that time of the day together. These money issues have really been tough on us, and I am hoping that we can recover from it all in time to truly enjoy the holidays with each other. He graduates at the end of October and I am so happy and proud!!! Thank you for those who prayed for us:)

$$$$

jamiegraham1979@gmail.com (Jamie) — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 16:43:00 +0000

My husband has not been working. To say this is tough on our marriage would be a huge understatement. Living on my paycheck is testing every part of our relationship. We've had to reduce expenses to only the bare minimum. The basics are getting paid, but that is it. He's had some leads, so we are crossing our fingers for that. Its stressful on me because I'm the one paying the bills and hes stressed because hes getting the run around on some of these jobs he's applying for. He's still in school and will be done at the end of this month. So, this will leave him with more hours open to work. One job thats looking possible would have insurance and alloow us to get him FULLY diagnosed PROPERLY(his last insurance didn't pay for diagnosis and he's had a few tests ultrasounds and such, but we need more done with a specialist) The fertility stuff is totally on the backburner right now as it seems as it has been for years. So frustrating, its like the rich can only afford this.

30

jamiegraham1979@gmail.com (Jamie) — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 22:46:00 +0000

I turned 30 on Friday the 28th of August. I was soooo concerned I was going to be depressed on my bday. I'm so happy to say
that was not the case at all. However, the same can't be said for the night before. I was
still awake at midnight with Tony and he said Happy 30th. It hit me on what I had planned.
I wanted two kids by now and my tubes tied. Odviously, that's not the case.
I told Tony that and he just let me cry. I think that's what I needed. I went to sleep
Concerned the next day would be brutal. It wasn't at all. I hardly thought about it all day.
My job is a great distractor at times. I have many hopes for my 30s and am hoping that its
in God's plan that I am a mom sometime in this decade!!! Clearly, my plan and His aren't in sync.

School year

jamiegraham1979@gmail.com (Jamie) — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 16:27:00 +0000

The school year is fixing to begin and for the most part I am ready. I have 20 students this year. Last year, I believe I had about 16 or 17. I should remember those things, but I forget the kiddos names the day they leave my class. My favorite part about teaching is seeing them grow up. I saw one of my old students who will now be in 8th Grade!!! I almost didn't recognize her. She was so sweet in class and I hope she stays that way. Junior High can turn them rotten if your not careful.

Yesterday, I drove home and thought I was ahead of a strom. WRONG. I was right in the middle of it. I drive on a very tall bridge to get home and I couldn't see in front of me. I know now that if its raining hard I don't care if I am at home or at school I'm just going to stay put. The radar made it look like worse storms were coming our way, and that is why I drove home when I did. DANG IT!!! My poor little car just trucked its way up the bridge. I think it was saying "I think I can I think I can." I desperatly need a new car.

On hubby job front we have a few prospects, but who knows what will work out in the end. We need it. This economy is rough. WOW. Its something you don't realize til you are out of a job.

Wish me luck on my First Week Back.. OH and my 30th B-day coming up on the 28th. I'll see how I feel that day about it, as for now I'm not too thrilled.

6

jamiegraham1979@gmail.com (Jamie) — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 04:42:00 +0000

There is a family in the Houston area that just had 6 babies!! They
Were born 17 weeks early, and sadly two did not make it. The other 4 are
Fighting. The mother has almost exactly what I have and these babies were conceived through
IUI with injectibles which is what we would be doing had it not been for our
Lovely Male Factor. They seem like a really sweet couple and as u know I tend to root
For those who struggle the most. They went this route cause insurance wouldn't
Cover IVF(yet agaain another reason it should be covered). This couple had
Already lost twins. I always wonder how much loss a person can endure.
These people were not gready. Their goal was identical to mine and anyone elses.
One Healthy baby. So pray for this family and the struggles they will endure.
Here's a link to their site...stanseljourney.com

Summer

jamiegraham1979@gmail.com (Jamie) — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 00:21:00 +0000

I moved classrooms (well halfway done) today. It's gonna be a different set up. I'm probably going to getting rid of some furniture.All I can say is "THANK GOD ITS ON WHEELS!!" We are still looking for a job for hubby. He was told he had one job, went to their training, filled out all the Human Resource junk and hasn't heard ANYTHING back. FRUSTRATING. We NEED money. We can't do without his paycheck. He quit is other job thinking he had this job, so this sucks. I'm not too excited about the school year. I love my job etc and I did get in to my classroom and all, but I'm not thinking "YEAH!!!" I just want it to be Summer(without the awful heat) all year long. Thats about it for now.

Oh, is it bad when somone posts on their MySpace status "Fertile Myrtle" and you say "must be nice." I'm certain the response I get will be not good and its not like people can't be happy they are pregnant because Fertlile Myrtles TOTALLY don't get those who aren't.

Priorities

jamiegraham1979@gmail.com (Jamie) — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 00:19:00 +0000

Does our country have its prorities mixed up or what???

Why do we celebrate the fact that an abortion pill (that costs a mere $400) works?? Why do we celebrate the death of a child molestor for his "art"? I'm really honestly worried about our countries moral compass. When more pro abortions get a thumbs up and those that are anti-abortion get a thumbs down I think we have a problem. Life starts at conception.. END OF STORY. It states in the bible God knew us before we were in our mother's womb. Kinda neat if you ask me. God knows my future kids and I don't. I've always thought of it like that.

My view may not be popular as I have learned, but I feel abortion is a weak choice. How LUCKY you are you can chose. I don't get that choice(not that I would chose it). Some feel adoption is a weak choice. I don't know why because who knows where I would be if my parents had not given me up for adoption.

What I dont understand is where abortion even began. What is the history behind it? I do know women would die from it and you don't want that happening, but did we lose God somewhere along the way. Women panic, I understand that, but come on. THINK. Its a CHILD. A REAL HUMAN.

Read the article below...

Roughly a fourth of American women getting early abortions last year did so with drugs rather than surgery, statistics show, as a new study reported improved safety in using the so-called "abortion pill."

Some experts predict the percentage of such "medical abortions," which offer more privacy than surgical termination at an abortion clinicor hospital, will rise even more due to the new study.

The research, done at Planned Parenthood clinics across the country, shows that a new way of giving pills to induce abortion virtually eliminated the risk for a rare but dangerous infection.

"This is the first really huge documentation of how safe and effectivemedical abortion is," said Dr. Beverly Winikoff, a professor of family health and population at Columbia University. "The technology is very good and very well used in this country, and probably will be used more and more."

Two pills are used to induce an abortion. The primary drug, Mifeprex, was first approved in the U.S. in 2000. Use has risen steadily, even though manufacturer Danco Laboratories LLC of New York hasn't promoted it and the drug can only be obtained at a clinic or doctor's office, not through a pharmacy. Sales rose 16.5 percent last year, when about 184,000 American women used Mifeprex.

Medical abortions now account for about a quarter of early abortions, according to company spokeswoman Abby Long. At Planned Parenthood, the biggest provider of medical abortions, they amount to 32 percent of early terminations.

The group's study analyzed medical abortions at Planned Parenthood centers between 2005 and mid-2008 — about 228,000 cases. It found the abortion pill was about 98.5 percent effective and that changes in how the drugs were given reduced risk of a serious infection from barely 1 in 1,000 cases to 0.06 in 1,000.

The results are reported in Thursday's New England Journal of Medicine.

The procedure, which works during the first nine weeks of pregnancy, involves swallowing Mifeprex, known chemically as mifepristone, at a doctor's office. Originally known as RU-486, the pill causes an embryo to detach from the uterine wall. A second pill, misoprostol, is used 24 to 48 hours later to cause contractions and push the embryo out of the uterus.

These drugs are different from Plan B, which is taken within a couple days of contraceptive failure or unprotected sex to prevent pregnancy from occurring.

Originally, the procedure involved inserting the misoprostol pill into the vagina where the medicine was absorbed. But by the end of 2005, four American women and one Canadian had died of a rare bacterial infection afterward, spurring concern among providers and criticism by abortion opponents.

So in April 2006, Planned Parenthood told its 300 clinics offering the procedure to instead have patients put the misoprostol pill in their mouth and let it dissolve.

Some clinics also began providing a week's course of antibiotics to avoid infection; the others tested women and treated any with sexually transmitted diseases. In 2008, all the clinics started giving patients antibiotics.

"We decided we needed to make a safe procedure even safer," said the study's lead researcher, nurse practitioner Mary Fjerstad.

By the study's last six months, serious infections had declined to one-16th of the original rate.

"I think that providers are going to be pretty impressed with the data," said Dr. Beth Jordan, medical director of the Association of Reproductive Health Professionals, which plans to highlight the findings to doctors, nurse practitioners and pharmacists at its annual meeting in September.

Given that 87 percent of U.S. counties have no abortion provider, Jordan said the findings might encourage some primary care doctors to offer abortion using the pills.

"But I don't think it's going to open the floodgates," she said.

In October, the National Abortion Federation, representing 400 centers that provide more than half of abortions in the U.S. and Canada, will review the findings and decide whether to make changes accordingly. Federation President Vicki Saporta said current guidelines allow putting misoprostol in the cheek to dissolve, swallowing it, or inserting it in the vagina, which more than a third of her member clinics do.

Saporta said abortion opponents "have been misleading people into thinking that medical abortion is unsafe," but the study proves the procedure is safe. The cost is $400, only slightly less than the median cost for an early term surgical abortion.

Since approval in 2000, there have been six deaths from sepsis, a bloodstream infection, among the more than 1.1 million American women who have used Mifeprex, most recently one in July 2007. That's a death rate of less than 1 in 167,000, according to the maker, and less than 0.1 percent of patients have needed transfusions.

Misoprostol, which is officially approved in the U.S. for preventing stomach ulcers, is sold under the brand name Cytotec and made by Pfizer Inc.

Winikoff and Saporta both raised concerns about giving a full course of antibiotic treatment to all women to prevent very few infections — unlike the brief preventive dose given with surgical abortions. They said that could trigger a rare allergic reaction, add to the problem of antibiotic resistance and add to the cost of the procedure — making it unaffordable in developing countries.

Chris Gacek, a senior fellow at the anti-abortion Family Research Council, said he wasn't surprised by the increasing use of Mifeprex.

"I don't think at this point we're going to do anything" to try to limit its use, he said. "It's hard to know whether this increases the (total) number of abortions."

___

Dreams

jamiegraham1979@gmail.com (Jamie) — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 19:31:00 +0000

I don't know if dreams mean anything. I really don't. I just know I wish I could control them. It always seems that when I get the idea in my head that we should adopt or persue other options I have dreams of our child together. I rememeber one dream had a little girl in it who was red headed and had Tony's blue/green eyes and she was ours. Of course I don't remember all the details from the dream, but I woke up thinking I HAVE to have a baby(kind of like in the scene during Up and the wife sees babies in the clouds and all she has is babies on her brain). I have had dreams where I'm pregnant and others where I just had a baby. I wonder if its God's way of telling me not to give up on having my own yet or am I reading too much in to this?

Lucky and where do we go from here.

jamiegraham1979@gmail.com (Jamie) — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 22:05:00 +0000

I feel pretty lucky to have my hubby. We've been going through this infertility stuff for 6 years now and its rough odviously. However, I am finding out that there are couples out there where one can want to keep going on with fertility treatments and the other doesn't or one says an ABSOLUTE "NO" to adoption. We've never been like that. Actually, its always been what I want to do. I guess its a good thing. We are both on the same page as "We HAVE to go forward." We just can't sit here and do nothing as it feels like thats what we have done for years.

I can recall our frame of mind each year.

Year one----- We heard a lot of "just relax" I MEAN A LOT!!! That wasn't frustrating then because we were totally oblivious to what was ahead. In the beginning "just relax" can be encouraging. I even got the "your so young, just wait a few years." I heard that one often. Didn't "get" how people cried at pregnancy announcements. I thought they were overreacting(oh, how niave I was)!! However, I've known all my life I could have trouble getting pregnant and always thought "I'll just adopt." Didn't realize that decision isn't so cut and dry. Spent about $100 on pregnancy tests!!!!

Year two-- Really got tired of hearing "just relax" and find out yours truly isn't ovulating and hubby's sperm count SUCKS. That was a fun year let me tell ya. However, we were broker than broke, so it was a mixed blessing to not have to buy birth control. Besides .. I was 24 I had "plenty of time." Enjoy looking at baby stuff still. Start OPK

Year three-- Moved and finally have health insurance only to find out fertility treaments aren't covered. Knowing we will have to pursue fertiltily treatments we go to RE and find out we might as well skip all the low tech crap and go straight for IVF. That was tough to hear, but FINALLY an answer. Meet coworker who has gone through the same thing. Ironically, she plans the baby showers at the school. WOW!!! Hearing pregnancy announcements really starts to sting, but I'm optomistic that we can afford fertility treatments. Learn that OPK are useless with PCOS.. waste of money. Proctor and Gamble owe me $$$.

Year Four---- Can't do anything due to cost restrictions. So, sit back and watch everyone else go forward while hearing ignorant comments from people. Realize that people are pretty dumb. Let family in on whats going on. I know FOUR years later, but really I didn't want people to know. I didn't want to hear ANOTHER opinion.

Year Five--- Go back to doc and as I walk in the building I wonder why the heck there are maternity clothes in the "gift shop." Seriously, it should be in a whole different building. Doc says "its been yada yada number of cycles you need to start treatments." DUH. You just make them cheaper and we'll talk about it.

Year Six--- Will turn 30... REALLY considering adoption of going to another country to have treatments.

Praying about both options.

Tony did say something pretty cute the other day. I called him after hearing about an IVF program in Cheh(sp?)Republic that would cost about $7,000 (EVERYTHING total 14 days) and he said "Would we have to pay for an extra plane ticket if there are three of us on our way back."

Such a dork.

With adoption We'd have to wait too as we only have a one bedroom apartment and we want Tony to finish school before we go any further. While I am leaning towards adoption I don't know if the agency will let us go further if we haven't pursued treatments. Its a catch 22.

Advocacy Day

jamiegraham1979@gmail.com (Jamie) — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 01:55:00 +0000

Ok.. Tomorrow is Resolve Advocacy Day and its an organization I fully believe in. Resolves purpose is to provide support for those who are going through fertility and support. They are responsible for Illinois passing its IVF coverage (YEAH) for insurance. Texas laws have not been changed in 22 years. They are advocates for Adoption Laws and are basically a great positive voice. A great organization that I wish more people were fully aware of. Most people are fully aware of my view on infertility coverage on insurance.

I have come to find it amazing how we ignore or really honestly don't pay too much attention to organziations that stand up for others or speak up for those who may be unable to speak up for themselves until we need one. I wish I could be in Washington tomorrow as they speak with Senators and Representatives. Its just not financially feasible. I hope they are truly listened to and not glazed over. With this new "Health plan" idea my concern is these services won't be covered for those that need it. They are expensive and if I had my choice in life no one would ever need these services.

Even if I chose to do adoption I know I won't forget what got me here in the first place. I know adoption isn't for everyone and I want no one to suffer financially because of it or fertility treatments. I mean what in life can be MORE positive than having a child when you TRULY want one?? They change laws for those that don't want there children and keep having more all the time. Heck, those people get paid to have more.

So, finally I hope we get listened to tomorrow as I know those going are brave and want to be heard!!!

Adoption forums

jamiegraham1979@gmail.com (Jamie) — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 18:54:00 +0000

I'm frustrated.
I'm looking at adoption forums trying to get ideas from others who have adopted, but all there seem to be are imbittered biological parents trying to force the fact of what they gave up and how much pain they are in and what are their rights.

Well first off.. UM you gave up your child (hopefully in the child's best interest) you have no rights. My own biological mother tried to get my medical records from the hospital a few years ago and they wouldn't grant her access to them and she didint' understand why. Well, her rights were terminated by the state.

Next, I keep seeing the term "first mother" "First Parents'" YUCK!!! It's biological mother/parents. END OF STORY. I remember when I was little I referred to my biological mom as my real mom and my adopted mom was not a happy camper. She quickly said, "I'm your real mom." Very true. I see why she said that now.

Open Adoption can be a positive thing if clear rules are made. I don't want my child to have a step mother/father like relationship with their biological parents. However, I think they need to know the reality of their background so they are not disillusioned.

Counseling: I desperatly want the biological family to have counseling. I don't want her to go through her life wondering "what if?" The reason she'd give the baby up is so she and the baby would have a better life.