Our Little Family

Please Sign this petition

2012-01-02T11:03:00.000-08:00

OK, if there was ever a time to sign a petition this is one!! This little girl Veronica was taken away from her adoptive parents at the age of one and half. This is the only family she knows. Basically, her biological father has her because of a law in the Cherokee tribe. This little girl is only 1% Cherokee. Please pass this along, share it on FB do all you can to get this little girl back to her adoptive family!!

Bored and xmas

2011-12-17T20:38:00.000-08:00

I'm bored, so I'm posting. Yeah, I probably shouldn't admit that, but oh well.

I love my new house. Hense the reason I DON'T want to visit family for Xmas. We have gone to both families during our two weeks off for our entire marriage. Its not like our families live right down the road either. This is Texas, Nothing is close. My family is 6 hours away and his is about 5. So, really I just want to veg at my house. Will this happen? Highly doubt it. I'm just feeling nonchalant about the holidays.

Oh, and an update on the baby situation. It looks like it won't work out. It hurts a little, but I was never promised anything, so I'm not too devastated. I can now only imagine what a true failed adoption must feel like. I wasn't in tears and I was VERY cautious emotionally, but I would think that if you finally let your guard down and it failed it would just be awful.

Breathe

2011-12-04T18:06:00.001-08:00

OMG...

OK, so a friend of mine on Facebook just posted that she may give her baby up for adoption. So, I emailed her and she's still in the decision making process. Its difficult and I know I shouldn't give it too much thought and put too much in to it and these things fall through all the time, but its a possibility!!! A possibility of having a little boy next year!!! I know I shouldn't get too excited, but I am. I'm praying for her and her decision to be what God has planned and I'm praying I don't get my hopes up so much that I get sick. This is our first POSSIBILITY EVER.

Miscarriages and other ramblings

2011-12-03T13:49:00.001-08:00

No, I haven't had a miscarriage. So, have I really had a "loss" in the eyes of others? We haven't been pregnant once in our 8 years of trying or not trying. Not really sure of the point we are at. Limbo maybe?

Anyway, I was hurt recently by someone close to me. My sister was given a gift because of her miscarriages. What have we gotten? NOTHING. My sister has had two miscarriages. Yes, I admit that sucks, but she got way more support than we have. I don't even understand how to put this all in to words.

I know I sound like a jealous biatch,and admittedly I am. Eventhough we haven't had a miscarriage we have a pretty significant loss. We.can't get pregnant, and for so many people that's hard to comprehend. We can take pills, pray, etc, but the treatment we need is financially out of reach. It hurts to feel like we don't count.

No, I don't want to have a miscarriage, but in all honesty I wish I had because maybe people would see there was an actual loss there.

My sister keeps voicing her fears to me that she's worried she won't be able to get pregnant again and telling me about her doctor's appointments. What has the doctor said??? EVERYTHING looks OK. Her anxiety is lost on me.

What have I been doing??

2011-11-21T16:47:00.000-08:00

Ive been insanely busy with work. Budget cuts affect much more than you realize. Its craziness.
I enjoy my job, but YIKES!

On the Infertlity homefront we are still in the same place, but I'm feeling better about it. Not near as much anger and jealousy about the situation,but I'vve been so busy I honestly havent given it much thought.

I also have learned I don't like discussing it with people because random stupid shit comes out of their mouths. Its draining to try and not say "No, I don't want you to carry my baby, I realize you just LOVE being pregnant, but maybe I'd like that chance to" Its frustrating when people who haven't had to walk your path to advise you on what choices to make. GOOD LAWD people really? OK.. maybe the anger is still there:) Comes with the territory I guess.

Hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving.

NIAW Mythbusting....

2011-04-27T10:02:00.000-07:00

This is National Infertility Awareness Week (click the link to read the history) and our goal is to write a blog to bust a myth about infertility. After eight years I have heard them all. Hold your legs up, just relax, adopt then you'll get pregnant. You know.. the usual idiotic statements. Here is my current myth.

JUST BECAUSE MY TWIN SISTER IS PREGNANT DOES NOT MEAN I WILL AUTOMATICALLY GET PREGNANT TOO!! I am NOT next so PLEASE stop telling me that. That doesn't give me hope it rubs salt in the wound. Thank. you. very. much!!!!

We've tried for almost eight years now. Its been hell. My sister tires once (ONCE people) and got pregnant!!! So, really do you think its now going to automatically work for me?? If it wasn't so painful I'd be laughing my butt off. So, no pregnancy is not genetic, and this is something people should have learned back in Junior High.

I am having a very difficult time dealing with the fact shes been married one year and got pregnant as soon as she wanted. That is now a foreign concept to me. So, no I won't get pregnant just because my twin sister is.

So.. to that bitter announcement. Infertility does not become easier to deal with through the years as many think it does. It becomes more real as we see others who can go on with their lives and have their families. We are taught that if you want something bad enough all you have to do is work hard for it... houses, cars, jobs, education. That's not true of infertility especially if you have no insurance coverage for it or can't afford the thousands of dollars out of pocket. Its almost like your stuck in a perpetual limbo. Your life can't go forward and your life plan has to change from what you thought it would be. This is an unchosen path much like the death of a loved one. Its difficult to see others who can afford these treatments or adoption become able to resolve their issues. So nothing gets resolved.

Click here to see Infertlity 101 from Resolve.

Ginas Skinny Recipes: Avocado and Mango Salsa

2011-04-17T08:00:00.000-07:00

Ginas Skinny Recipes: Avocado and Mango Salsa

AGAIN

2010-12-10T08:39:00.000-08:00

My twin sister is pregnant again. First Try after her miscarriage in August. I don't want her having a repeat of the event, but it still hurts. She gets to try again and it worked. I don't know if I even believe the word "blessed" anymore. I almost despise it. I think a better word is luck. I'm really struggling with my Faith right now. I don't believe in "meant to be."

I'm struggling with a lot right now and its all internal. I don't have the words to say because I cant pinpoint how i feel.

Christmas

2010-12-02T12:53:00.000-08:00

OK.. So Thanksgiving is here and gone, and bring on Christmas. I've vowed to make this year less gifty and more family. Last year it was all about gifts and I felt so greedy and I didn't enjoy that at all. Its not about the gifts. Its odd this year when someone asks me what I want for Christmas I feel really guilty. Now, don't get me wrong, I REALLY need a new toaster and I'd be more than thrilled with some new clothes, but I think its very important to get in to what this holiday is all about. I'm thankful I'm spending this holiday with my family this year. Now, my family isn't perfect and we do our fair share amount of donating to the economy during Christmas, but we do make Christ a pretty large part of Christmas. I really enjoy that. I'm counting down to when school is out!!!

New Post

2010-11-10T08:02:00.000-08:00

It has been a while since I've posted. The school year gets going and I just am exhausted at the end of the day. Ay yi yi. Now, my husband's grandma is very sick and it looks like she has little time left. She was diagnosed with cancer pretty much all over along with having strokes. She is now on hospice care. Ironically, my own grandmother is doing pretty darn good and shes at home now happy as can be. I can say 2010 has pretty much sucked. YUCK!!!

With that said, I did read an article from the Washington post about Face.book posts being difficult on Infertile couples. This, I can say from experience is DEF true. I'm pretty quiet on FB about infertility. However, I have made a few FB statuses.. NEVER again. Most people do say stupid stuff and this is why no one posts about it. Normally, the stupid comments come from those who have already have scads of children. I read this post and was CRACKING up laughing because its so true and puts humor in to a blah situation.

With that said. I'm worn out. Type later

and THIS is why I didnt tell people for FOUR years we were trying.

2010-09-19T19:46:00.000-07:00

Well, my sister had a miscarriage. I was truely upset for her. However, I'm sorry;,I wasn't devestated. I defenintly hope she can get pregnant again with no problems as she also has PCOS. I mean it took her one month this time, so it may just take one time again. It was difficult for her of course, and she continues to have conflicting emotions about the outcome. HOWEVER.. her following statement just PISSED ME off. She said, "People who do fertility treatments have to be insane because I've gone to the doctor to get bloodwork one day one time a week at it sucks." WTH?? I wasn't so upset that she complained about getting blood work. Who wants bloodwork especially if its because you JUST lost a pregnancy? I would think it would just be a reminder of your loss. What got me is she said people who did infertility treatments were insane. I first thought it was figurative language.

No, it wasn't. Well, what if thats your ONLY hope for a biological child? I questioned her. She said, "You can't let your mind "go there." What? How does your mind not "Go there?" Maybe IVF isn't for her, but ironically enough she doesn't need it. Hell, it took her one try to get pregnant, so in all honesty its a whole different world to her. Its the opposite end of the spectrum. She said, "What if this was sixty years ago and you didn't have the option of fertility treatments?" Well, I guess we'd adopt. However, this isn't 60 years ago. People have landed on the moon and major improvement in cancer treatments have been made since then.

Other points were made and I just was appalled. All in all I think she feels like those who do IVF or fertility treatments are irrational and it has taken over my life. Well, yes, it has taken over my life. Its who I am. How can it not take over your life? In a way its like Cancer. No one wants it, they cringe at the thought of it and are totally relieved that its "not them." Its taken over every major decision we have made.

I was appalled that I have to defend choices that I have to make. I wish more than anything in my life I didn't have to make these choices. The ONLY reason we haven't done IVF is the costs. THATS it. It happens to be our only chance of a biological child. This is THE reason I kept my mouth shut for four years. I didn't tell family we were trying. I just let them assume we were waiting. Then, I started getting dumb comments, and I felt the need to be more open about it. The above remarks made are just a few of the reasons Infertile women don't speak up more. We shouldn't have to defend our disease or put up with comments from people who have no idea what its like to walk in our shoes. While its not deadly. It is still a disease.

Reflections

2010-08-07T20:30:00.000-07:00

Life isn't cut and dry. Nothing is black and white. I've learned that through my infertililty journey and throughout this Summer. As we look towards life without my Granny I have many great memories with her. Her smile, her warmth and her grace. We don't know how much time she has and it saddens me greatly that she feels so miserable. I pray for her happiness constantly and want to be with her badly. I'm also saddened my children may never meet her. Even though they may never meet her they will know her. They will hear stories of her greatness, her kindness and her love of life. I pray that I can be a reflection of her. They will know her through me. As I said before she is someone I wish everyone could get to know.

Being adopted I remember meeting my Granny. I immediatley fell in love with her as everyone does. She has a calmness about her that just makes you comfortable to be around her. She loved me and I could tell it. She was safe. Adoption can be cool like that.

My family has so many wonderful people. My mom who is a reflection of my Granny in many ways, but has stubborness from my Grandpaw. My Aunt who is just as sweet as my Granny. My Paw Paw who is giving and brilliant just as my aunt is. I am truly blessed, so losing these people is difficult. I always knew it would be,but I thought I'd be ready when it happened. I guess your never ready.

On a totally different note. Im recovering from my back surgery well. I had a bout of inflamation that was very difficult,but I have medicine to help with that. Adoption for us is looking to be the option we will probably be chosing. I feel more and more guided towards it. Life events have made it that way. My heart feels guided to it more and I don't think my body could handle pregnancy well.

Not to mention, I want my child to have many cousins and BOY WILL THEY. YIKES!!! I've lost count. Plus, I've always wanted to raise children with my sister. I want our chilren to be close. That is very important to me. So,, while our children won't look alike, they will be close. Family is just too important.

So, while I'm rambling its how my thoughts are today.

Homesick

2010-07-29T10:57:00.000-07:00

Im sooo homesick. We are looking at buying a home here, but I want to be closer to my family. Its just very hard to find jobs there. With my Granny being so sick it just makes you realize how important family is and how you need to spend time with them while you can.

My Granny is going to be going to a nursing home withing a week under hospice care. What makes me sad is she has always said that she never wanted to be in one. Now, its inevitable. I just want her to be happy. I also want to spend time with her soo badly. I'm still recovering from back surgery. The recovery is going great, but a long road trip would suck.

So, next week after a workshop I have to go to we are making a long family trip. If need be I will skip the workshop. They can find someone else to take my spot I am sure.

ALL SMILES!!

MY sweet Granny and Cousin Sienna

This Summer

2010-07-23T20:11:00.000-07:00

This Summer has been insane. It just has. First, we almost lost my Granny more than once. She is STILL in the hospital and we are unaware of what the outcome will be. My sister got married and that was a rushed mess. She's now pregnant as you can see from my previous post. Finally, I had back surgery. I had a hernia.ted disc and I needed surgery.

Its been a rough two months. I am surprised of how I am dealing with My sis pregnancy. It hurts I can't get pregnant that easily, but of all family members I want this to work out for her the most.
She and I were adopted and being identical we have the same DNA. So, in a way this baby will be half me. For some reason this makes me incrediablly sad but excited at the same time. Sad, because it won't be my husband annd I producing this child. Excited, because hopefully in the end there will be a little half me out there someway or another.

I can hate my body for not working the way I want and I do,but hating my sister won't help anything. I have been honest with her on the details I dont want to hear and she's respecting that so far. I don't wish her the pain of infertility, but I wish that on no one.

So how do I handle THIS one?

2010-07-17T19:22:00.001-07:00

This is the week of Pregnancy Announcements. They are all over Facebook Each. time. I. Log. in.
Well.. the ultimate doozy.. U ready??
My Identical Twin Sister got married on the 17th of June and Is six weeks pregnant. How am I suppose to handle this one. I'm in shock. My family doesn't even know what to say to me. I mean, we aer on year seven and here she is straight back from the honeymoon and Guess what??
I do know what I don't want people saying. "God has a plan for you." I swear if I hear that one more time I will scream. I don't want people telling me how I "SHOULD" feel. I will up and slap them. I have family really good at that one. Its as if I'm overreacting.
This was my fear. She'd have one before me even though I was married EONS before her. Now, I will get even more "So, when are you going to have children?" question.
I don't want to hear all her details of how great her skin and hair are looking now thats she's preggo(GOD I hate that word!!) She was in fear of having to do fertilityi treatments because she has PCOS as well. Ha. Totatally clueless on the reality of "the other side."

Desperation

2010-07-07T12:36:00.000-07:00

OK, I've never been accussed of not being outspoken, and odviously I have my opinions on certain things in life especially when I've gone through them myself. I tend to get super outspoken when somone makes a mockery of what I've gone through or will be going through. This post is about a woman my age who CHOSE to have her embryos frozen for later on in life so she can afford to have children. Now, she chose to do this. Its her choice, her money etc. Come what may, she might possibly have children from this expensive procedure. Its not so much she did this as much as it is the word choice she used about infertile women having IVF. She referred to it as "Desperation IVF." CHOKE, GASP, SCREAM, YELL!! Ay YI YI... could this woman not be MORE uninformed. Then she goes off to spout all sorts of "factoids" etc. All the while trying to make herself sound like some sort of "fertile hero."

FIRST and FOREMOST I, nor any other woman who needs fertility treatments is DESPERATE!!! We, desperatly want a child, but we are not desperate people. Heartbroken, sad, confused, forgotten and living on hope through medical procedures is what we are, but to falsify and say we are desperate is a huge insult. Its as if we CHOSE this. Her cost of 71,000 (cough cough) for IVF is wrong. I don't know where she pulled that FROM. Also, IVF isn't JUST needed because of age. Some of us are blessed to have Severe Male Factor Infertility making this our only option for a biological child.

So, if you can read this article without flames coming out your ears I encourage you to do so and make a comment to correct her. She is flamboyant in her attitude, so say what you wish.

The best person I know

2010-07-06T13:34:00.000-07:00

I know as Christians we aren't suppose to think as humans as perfect. We are are flawed and imperfect that is how God made us. However, I am blessed to have wonderful Grandparents who are kind and and in my eyes pretty much perfect,, This past week we almost lost my Granny. Now, she is 87, and I realize others may think "well people that age die all the time." Well, my Granny isn't just a Grandma she's an amazing person. She truly makes this world a more peaceful and better place to live in. She's a Giver. She loves unconditionally, gives of her time and enjoys all the simple things in life. She has taught me how to cook, sew, put together puzzles, skip rocks, and shes taught me how to forgive others. I, of course didn't want to disappoint my parents, but disappointing my Granny would of been awful.

She accepts others for who they are and I've never heard the woman complain a day in her life.
She is a devout Christian and leans on God for all things good and bad. She's one of those people that you can see the love she has for others in her eyes because she just lights up!!! I've always wished that everyone can have a Granny like her. It's not fair that everyone in the world can't know her because they'd love her!!!! My friends LOVE my Granny. They think she's the greatest person too.

I've realized how important it is to let someone you know how you feel about them and how wonderful they are and why. We each have the ability to be a gift to so many people. As of right now God is keeping here with us for a little longer. She's not done teaching us lessons about God's love and how to be as Christlike as possible.

ICWL and Fertility Authority

2010-07-01T08:09:00.000-07:00

ICWL for July.

I now have my blog linked to Fertilityauthority.com. This is a great resource for families struggling with infertility. It discusses the emotions that a person deals with along with infertility and has SO many great resources. This site has grown so much in the past year. Their goal, like mine is to get the word out about Infertility and to give people resources that people need. You may have just gotten started on this rollercoaster with no idea of where to turn or you may be an old veteran (like me). I strongly urge you to check it out. It really is different from any site I have seen. I first learned of this site through Conceive This as she wrote for them as well.

My blog started as a way to vent about my day. I wasn't too certain I would make it an Infertility blog as it is a personal experience, but at that point my husband and I had gone through this for 5 years and if I heard "If you just relax" one more time I was going to scream! So, I did a LOT more reading of blogs than writing. I have found them much more resourceful than my own doctor. My doctor can't provide me the emotional support that others who are going through this can.

We have not done IVF as we can't afford it due to lack of insurance coverage. I know we are not alone in this. Our medical issues are PCOS,blocked tube and my husband has a severe varicocile (recent surgery for this). I blog about the emotional issues, possible adoption ( I waver daily on this one), and life in general.

I feel it is important to have our feelings validated. If your upset.. be upset. If your jealous and feel guilty about that. Thats OK too. I've been there. Its NOT a fun place to be. I hope you will find my blog interesting and helpful.

What a month

2010-06-29T13:30:00.000-07:00

Since I last wrote...
My sis got married, my grandmother was put in ICU, and I held a newborn baby.

I KNOW RIGHT????

My sis got married. I did face this with a little unease as I knew I would get the "when are you going to have a baby?" question. Of course I DID get that question... THREE times. I just said, "Eventually." I also got the "When you finally accept it and relax do you think you'll get pregnant?" Comment. REALLY?? I mean REALLY?? After seven years I'm still getting those lovely comments. Kill.me.now. How I would LOVE to educate the general public about the reality of infertility. Now, my brain wanted to strangle said person, but I just stated our difficulties.

My grandmother is in the hosptial. I got to see her, and that made me super happy. She is the best person I know and I feel like everyone needs someone like her in their lives. In my mind, she is near perfect. I know I'm a little bias, but I know many who know her would agree. This is where infertility saddens me again. I want my children to know this wonderful person. I hope that her illness is temporary and she gets better while we have her with us for another 10 years!!!

Finally, I, held. a. baby. Now, when a fertile person holds a baby they don't get "looks." When a known infertile holds one they get "looks." I can't explain it. Its either fear that I'm going to breakdown emotionally or find a back door somewhere and run off with said baby in my arms. I'm proud to say neither of those happened. Thank.you.very.much. I did not end up on the national news. However, this baby is in foster care. I can't say much more of the situation, but I believe they found a family for her.

So, we had a wedding, an illness and I did not have an emotional breakdown!! NICE.

What IF

2010-05-01T11:34:00.000-07:00

This is a project that I feel like is amazing. It was started by Melissa Ford Author of Navigating the Land Of IF (Infertility). The essentials of this project are to write a "What IF" about Infertility and how its affected my life.  This past week was National Infertility Awareness Week or (NIAW) and this week always gives me hope that our voices are getting out. First of all, 7.3 MILLION Amerians are affected by Infertility. The sad part is that it is horribly underfunded for research and so much lack of education among non infertilies about the topic. Infertility has affected me for the past nearly seven years. Its made me who I am today and taken me emotionally places that others from the outside looking in would think are irrational.    Ive cried tears when I should be jumping for joy for another person. I've learned to cope in the way that is best for me, and I've certaintly learned the Ultmiate LIFE IS NOT FAIR rule of life.

So, My first What IF is: What IF I had gotten pregnant on my wedding night like I had planned nearly seven years ago??   There was something so innocent about who I was then as a newlywed and def something very freeing about throwing away the birth control. Seeing baby carriages gave me much hope and just knowing we were "trying" brought a smile to my face.

What IF: My heart can't take anymore? We can't afford fertility treatments needed so all around me people are getting pregnant and I'm seeing people go forward with their lives. My heart melts when this happens while we still feel stuck.

What IF: I have to face more holidays and me getting yet another year older without children? Last Chirstmas was horrible for me emotionally and this Easter wasn't much better. Seeing other people's children open presents and celebrate is tough even if its your own family.

What IF: We had coverage for infetility on our insurance? I wouldn't feel like there was a ticking time bomb in my uterus. Seven years ago we had all the time in the world (age 24) and I didnt' feel as rushed. As I near 31 its ticking away loudly. I wanted two children by 30. That was the plan. I did not want to be an older mother.

What IF: I never look in my child's eyes and see my husband's. My husband has the most amazing eyes. His eyes show every emotion he feels. My husband has amazed me so much in the past seven years. He's changed, I've changed and when I seem him with a child in his arms all it does it make me want one more. His eyes can take away any pain I'm feeling.

What IF: In protecting myself emotinally I alienate every person I ever knew, my family and my friends. We have decided not to visit family for a while and for Christmas we are having our own.
When its FINALLY my turn (hopefully sooner rather than later) will people be happy for me or roll their eyes?

What IF: I never get to decorate a nursery or get stretch marks and complain about fatigue and nasuea? Yes, I REALLY want all those things.

What IF: The only thing I get from my "monthly gift" is cramps and no baby. I feel women are designed to have children. Its stated many times in the bible along with God's understanding of the pain of infertility.

Now for my positive "WHAT IF"
What IF: EVERYONE "GOT IT" they understood the reality of infertility and didn't make insensitive remarks or judge us for the path we may take and others saw IF as the real life crisis that it truly is. We'd no longer be seen as selfish or irrational for wanting children. We'd have the inrusance coverage we so desperatley need, the emotional support from family, friends and bosses.  There wouldn't be "OH how sad Why dont' you just adopt." As if their desire to become pregnant was the only one that mattered.

Infertility is not cut and dry. Its NOT new. Its been around since the beginning of time. There is real pain involved. Its tough to see other people take their fertility for granted.

www.resolve.org/infertility101

Well.. i just can't please everyone

2010-04-06T09:17:00.000-07:00

We went to visit family this Easter. KIDS everyone including one newborn. I didn't oogle over it. I didn't really get around it or compliment the parents (sis in law) on their amazing procreating skills. I pretty much said NOTHING. I do this for totally selfish reasons. I figure one, they have heard PLENTY of oogling and ahhas that mine won't really matter and sometimes it just hurts to see a newborn. They are always reminders of what I dont have. This couple has lost one already and she was the only one I was OK with with being pregnant. I've oogled over my share of babies in my time. I refuse. I sat by the kid. I didnt pick him up. I didnt want to. I removed myself from the situation as best as I could. So, be pissed I didnt hold your kid because if that makes you upset you couldn't walk a DAY in my shoes.

Dr. appts

2010-03-26T06:23:00.000-07:00

So..
My husband had his surgery for his varicocile. The Dr is optimistic. FAR more than me. Sorry, but six years of this kinda will do that to a person. The doctor did get two vials to freeze (for IVF if needed) and they are healthy!!! One small victory. We will know in 6 to nine months the optimal results. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, but I really want it to work naturally. For so long I knew there was NO chance of us getting pregnant naturally due to my husband's issues, but now there MAY be a chance even a small one and I'm hoping I don't get pulled back in to that "What if" each month. There is zero percent motility before the surgery, and I don't expect the surgery to fix that. Had there been SOME movement I would be much more optimistic. Infertility is such a hope filled and drained world. So, I'm trying NOT to get my hopes up. I'd be BEYOND THRILLED if this surgery fixed all, but again, I'm not expectinig it to.

ABCs of me

2010-03-24T06:07:00.000-07:00

A – Age: 30

B – Bed size: Queen

C – Chore you hate: Putting away clean laundry

D – DH's height: 6' 0"

E – Essential start to your day item(s): flat iron
F – Favorite color: red

G – Gold or Silver: Silver

H – Height: 5′ 6″

I – Instruments you play(ed): piano, clarinet(bad geek I know)

J – Job title:Teacher

K – Kisses or hugs: Hugs.. cause hubby wouldn't like it if I went around kissing everyone.

L – Living arrangements: One bedroom townhome we are QUICKLY outgrowing, but the rent hasn't gone up in years.

M – Mood: lethargic

N – Nicknames: JJ. jay, amie-Jay, j-bear

O – Overnight hospital stays other than birth: surgeries when I was younger, eye surgery, ovarian cyst removed

P – Pet Peeves: smacking on food, forks clinking against teeth.
Q – Quote from a movie:

R – Right or left handed: Right and sometimes I use my left.

S – Siblings: One sister - 2 brothers

T – Time you wake up: 6:00

U- Underwear: Victoria Secret!!! OMG SALES

V – Vegetable you dislike: those little baby corn thingies that go in salads, hominy, boiled spinach.

W – Ways you run late: packing lunch, forgetting cell phone

X – X-rays you’ve had: stomach, back, toe, and of course the fun ultrasounds (if that counts)

Y – Yummy food you make: Sausage and peppers(MESSY as hell, but SOO good), if I want to kill my diet Chocolate Eclair Cake.

Z – Zoo favorite: Koala Bears

What are the ABCs of you?

marriage

2010-02-22T20:44:00.000-08:00

I'm taking my time to reflect on my marriage. I feel as infertilty has defined it. We have lost a lot in the mess. I can't explain it, but I need to reevaluate what I want in my marriage. I'm confused about so much right now. What route do we go to become parents?? Do we buy a house? Do we not buy a house?? I don't know what to do. These are decisions that should be easy, but aren't.

decisions

2010-02-14T16:57:00.000-08:00

I can't make a decision for the life of me.I just can't!! You should of seen me picking colleges!!! I was bound and determined NOT to attend the same college my family had attended. My mom had mentioned the one I eventually ended up attending early in my Senior year and I rolled my eyes at her. WHY? It HAD to be MY decision. I applied all over the state. If you know my state you know its huge. May of my Senior year my parents deemed every weekend "Find Jamie a college weekend." FUN RIGHT?? Well, one weekend we went to the college my mom had suggested to me and guess what?? I FELL in LOVE the second I walked on campus. My parents were relieved I think, and happily wrote a check for the deposit on my apartment. I was a happy camper.

The same went for dating,scheduling, jobs and everything else since then. As far as infertility goes I've been all over the place. First, it was an unexpected thing to deal with. There are no rules on how to handle it and its just different. Not a good different either. I want it all to be easy. I want to KNOW what will happen in the future. To be honest money is my main reason for not going further, and I'm certain I'm not alone in this. Family will help with adoption, but infertility treatments we are on our own. I can understand that. Its a gamble. $14,000 a try gamble.

Not to mention, I want my family stable. I get very anxious if I feel financially out of it. I would hate to try IVF and have it not work only to be depleted of everything we had making us uneligible to adopt. I'd rather have that money in savings if I had it available to me. Not to mention, its simply money we don't have. End of Story.

To think I'm the major financial decision maker in the family!!! Ah yi yi.

Profiles

2010-02-09T17:26:00.000-08:00

One thing I know about the adoption process is there is a profile involved. My parents did one of sorts back in the day when they adopted me. It was much more of an album thrown together showing the family, pets and all. However, I've been looking online at profiles and one particular website had me rolling my eyes. I kid you not someone had on their first paragraph that the child's college education would be fully funded!!

Financial stability is important and being so certain that the child has a fully funded college education is something to be proud of for certain, however I'm not too certain if thats the MAIN thing biological mom's are looking for in potential parents. I know of a particular situation where the parents had more than enough money (millions) and adopted like 6 children and ended up being very snotty and cruel to their adopted children. So, I think I'm finding out what not to put on your profile more than what to put on it. On the opposite end there are some neat ones that I would like to steal ideas from as well.

As far as adopton goes. I have found out this past week alone that THREE of my friends are looking in to adoption. Two of them because of infertility(one had already gone through treatments and did not want to take any more chances again as her pregnany was very rough) the other claims she's "allergic" to babies and likes them at about one and half or older. Another friend of mine is working on Foster/Adopt. Its really amazing how much of my life is surrounded around adoption.

Connections

2010-02-07T10:05:00.000-08:00

I recently lost quite a bit of weight. This was huge to me because FINALLY I was getting my body to do what I wanted it to. Shopping for clothes is fun now. I no longer dread going shopping only to see I will be wearing a size higher than I wore a few months before that. The weight loss journey is FUN eventually. It was always a goal of how much more can I lose. However, when I go shopping I see clothes that use to fit and say, "Hey this looks like my size" only to check it out and see its the size I use to wear. Now, before you say I have body image distortion or something like that there is a total mind change when you lose weight and you find yourself going back to what you use to be. When someone who doesn't know about my weight loss says, "but your so thin" when I rethink ordering fattening food or some other situation. I do tell them I was 50 pounds more than this. I don't think its fair for others to feel as if I'm being condesending to them by being cautious. Normally people ask how and I tell them. No magic pills, no surgery,just W.W and excersise. I want people to know its not easy, but THEY can do it to. I LOVE seeing people lose weight now because I know what it took them to get their and the mindset you have to change.

I wonder if that is the same with Infertility. I mean heck I don't remember my mind frame before it. Whatever choice we make Adoption or pursing fertility treatments I would like to think that I would let people know about our journey not complete details of course. I feel through this I have learned a lot about myself, my marriage and how I will parent a child. Will I go back to enjoying showers, being OK with pregnancy announcements (I have heard EIGHT in the past month or so.. thank you Facebook), or other things???

House

2010-02-03T11:22:00.000-08:00

My hubby and I have found a house we like. We SO need to buy one. Its a decent price. One of the reasons we have not bought one is due to the fact we always say "Well, what if we get jobs somewhere else?" We've said this for the last five years!!!! The house is not anything spectacular, but is in a good area and is good for starting a family. So, I'll be keeping this updated on that.

Waiting

2010-01-31T11:52:00.000-08:00

My husband has varicocile repair on the 9th of March. I'm ready, and I know he is as well. He will be sore and need lots of TLC. I know we need to take this one step at a time and my husband won't even let me talk about what will happen if it doesn't work. However, my mind can't help but go there because not only does he have a varicocile, but I have PCOS and a blocked tube. This is another added factor. So, I feel like we are waiting to make decisions again. However, these steps are far more than what we have been doing the last few years, which is nothing.

So, while we wait I hear more pregnancy announcements. Some I actually roll my eyes at and others I cry about. One eye roll one is my ex sister in law (now 40 with an 18 and 10 year old daughters) who is remarried and is pregnant. Its really not known by all now, but thats the second sister in law(age 40) that I have that is pregnant. They needed no help to get pregnant and I'm pretty certain both were just accidental. These are a slap in the face. Most women that age struggle to get pregnant.

Its frustrating to see people get this so easily. Maybe they take it for granted more.

???

2010-01-28T09:23:00.001-08:00

If a MAN can do it why can't I??? What in the world?? This is just GROSS.

http://specials.msn.com/A-List/Second-pregnant-man.aspx?cp-searchtext=second%20pregnant%20man

10 years ago

2010-01-25T06:35:00.000-08:00

This post will not be about infertility at ALL. 10 years ago on January 26th I lost a good friend to sucicide. Each year on this date I hurt.. deeply. I hate thist time of year. Blake and I had dated the Summer before, but the relationship did not last due largely in part to his depression. I remember crying because I couldn't help him and trying to reach out to him, but its tough to reach out to someone who doesn't want to be reached by anyone.   We did remain friends though. There are things I will not forget about him. We found a common bond as we were from towns close to each other. He was tall, dark skin and so good looking. These things alone odviously can't prevent a person from being depressed.

That time in my life his suicide was the worst hurt I had endured.  I will never forget the moment I found out he died (at a party). I was sick all night and I couldn't sleep. The following weeks were a painful blur. I went to his memorial and did what I needed to do to go on. I didn't date afterwards for a while because I didn't think it would be fair to anyone to have to deal with my emotions. I could cry at the drop of a hat at certain songs.   I know how much I was hurting, so I can't even fathom how much his family was hurting.

I think it was at that time my outlook on life changed. First, you can't look at someone and realized they are depressed. Second, you can't forgo your own personal emotional well being to help others. Last, God is HUGE in our lives. Faith is so important. I remember READING and READING the Bible looking for what it said about suicide and what happened to you after you died. I found nothing. I remember comments from people telling me "He went to Hell." THAT HURT!!!!  I prayed constantly for him and still do. That is all I can do for him. When someone dies in a car wreck you have the comfort they are in a better place and with suicide you don't. I'd like to think that God judges you based on how you lived, not how you died.   I immersed myself in my school work, and as a result had an awesome GPA that semester.

The pain has greatly subsided, but the memories of him are still there. I can go for a LONG time not thinking about him. I've gotten married, graduated from college, moved and planned to have children since then. However, I do have days where I just HURT all day and can't stop thinking about him. The first two years afterwards those days happened often, now they happen rarely except on the anniversary of his death. Certain songs from that time bring me back and I simply have to change the radio or torture myself and listen to them.

Depression is not a joke. What may seem trivial to you can be the breaking point for somone else.

We have progress...SORTA

2010-01-24T11:43:00.000-08:00

Friday my husband was set up for a test called SVA (Seminal Vesicle Aspiration). Basically, the doc inserted a needle up his butt and took a sample from his tubes. The purpose was to see if there was any blockage. The procedure sucked, but there is no blockage. Not to mention we got results from past tests that he took in December. His DNA looks good along with his sperm production hormone. He does have a severe varicocile on his left side and a small one on his right. So, next month he will be having surgery to reverse these. At this time he will also have a tesicular biopsy to see if any good swimmers are in there to use for IVF. The varicocile repair will serve two purposes. It will reduce pain he has been having and it will increase sperm count and hopefully quality. So, this is a one step at a time thing. His count was 1 million with no swimming. SUCKS!!!! I know there is little the can do for motility from zero. If there was some swimming it would be different.

What we find at the biopsy will lead us to more questions. What do we do if we can't use hubby's sperm??? Do we use a donor??? Do we TELL people if we use a donor??? I look in my husband's amazing eyes and I can't imagine having a baby with anyone else BUT him. The man has BEAUTIFUL blue eyes. I use to say it was all or none. I use to say I know what we would do. We would adopt if the only option was sperm donor (if it was egg donor we would use my sister's since we are identical twins), but as with so many things its not cut and dry. I'm thankful we have a great doctor who knows his stuff. When he asked if we would do IVF I think he was prepared for us to be leary. Odviously, we aren't.

On the emotional aspect of this. I wonder in the end if we do IVF and it fails will it all be worth it. Its costly emotionally and financially. Will I still see it as an "I want to at least TRY for our own?" or have I reached my personal emotional breaking point?? Has time lost (6 and half years) in of it self been my personal burden, not fertility treatments, and should be move forth with adoption? Had we tested my husband this extensively one year after trying I would be jumping on the IVF rollercoaster in the front seat, hands up in the air for the added thrill. Now, I've changed as a person. I feel I've grown and been given much more time to think, pray and reflect. I wish I could see in the future.. I wish I knew what would happen with each path we could take. Time and lack of insurance coverage has given me way too much time to think. I wish it was siimple for us and these weren't things we knew. I wish I was as clueless about all this, but I'm not.

I'm envious of those with insurance coverage for all of this. It simply would make my decision much more easier. It just would.

Haiti

2010-01-20T06:49:00.000-08:00

I believe it was a mere week or so ago I said to my husband, "If we adopt I want to do Domestic Adoption." Well, since this earthquake my mind may have shifted just a tad. I don't know if watching all the coverage is making me REALLY want to adopt a baby from Haiti or what. Right after the earthquake I didn't think "OH HOW SAD!!!" I thought "WOW.. there will be a ton of orphans." YEAH, I know totally selfish. Now, don't get me wrong I do think this earthquake is horrible and feel deeply for those people as they are losing all of what they had.

So, I did a pre app for an agency that works with Haiti. One thing I am concerned about is we will not be able to match since we haven't been married 10 years. I am hoping maybe the requirements will be changed given the situation. With this one agency the apps have increased by 300% this week alone. At this time its chaos and they don't want to give children up for adoption who have families that are alive. So, the next few weeks will tell quite a bit. I think they are trying to rush the adoption process in this situation. At least that is their main goal as it USE to take a mere few months to identify a child. The time between identification and placement was about 18-24 months.

I've just about become fed up with the Infertility doctors. It seems that one step forward is just one step back. We do have appointments set up for MORE diagnositc procedures to be done, and we will keep them. Answers are important to me. However, with as much money that we have paid I expect better service. My husband and I are starting to feel like more of a Science project as a couple. I know this is a common feeling, but its so impersonal.

I am keeping my eyes peeled on the news about this. I am also following this blog that REALLY seems to be on the Up and up about all this for totally clueless people like me.

Ignorance

2010-01-18T14:54:00.000-08:00

I know there is a lot of ignorance towards infertility. Most people don't "get it." However, I did not realize the ignorance towards adoption. I was sitting with a group of people the other day and someone made a comment that they had 3 boys and were not having anymore(due to having a tubal ligation) because she wouldn't spend the 10,000 to reverse it. I don't blame her, but its what she said afterwards and people's responses to it that made me realize most don't get adoption either. She said "I'll just go to China and get myself a little girl." Now, I'm fully aware she was probably joking. I asked her if she had $27,000? Then another lady piped up and said, "I thought it was $5000." WHAT??

Its not like I am looking at China adoption. I'm not. We simply don't qualify. Neither do MANY others. To many adoption is Black and white. In their eyes it is simple. Just like infertility, from the outside looking in it looks simple, however both are difficult in their own right from the day you make your decision until the wait after the paperwork.

book

2010-01-09T07:51:00.000-08:00

I saw this and had to post it. I am going to have to buy this book from Amazon. I feel like it is important to sort through these things and defenintley have felt all of this at one time or another in the past 6 and half years. Some people I know can go straight to adoption without taking a detour through fertility treatments. I can understand why. The adoption route may hold more certainty than the treatment route. I'm glad a book about adoption brought up these aspects of not having your own children. As I have said before Adoption for an infertile couple is Ultimate acceptance of your situation.
In her book ADOPTING: Sound Choices, Strong Families, Patricia Irwin Johnston goes through 6 significant losses related to infertility.

The Losses (in no particular order):

The Loss of Control Over Many Aspects Of Life (sex life-treatments, when/where to move, when/if to change jobs, what size of car to buy because next month could be "the" month, etc.). We put off A LOT "just in case" we had a baby. We put off my husbands school, moving, buying a home(probably not the smartest choice to put off) and other things because of it. We won't get in to too many details on the sex life affects, but yes there has been an affect. We have decided our next car will be an SUV.. baby or no baby. We need more room. Instead of arguing over how to care for a baby we have an added hurdle to endure. We have argued about how we will produce a child. If we can go have a baby like everyone else our lives would be different. Our concerns would be different. Heck, the money factor alone is enough to make you feel like you've lost total control. Diangnosis ALONE we've already spent over 2000 out of pocket for he and I. This is WITH insurance. I'm paying a massive amount of money to do what 90% of people do for free. I think thats one of my biggest beefs with infertility is the dang cost. We would probably have a family by now, but thanks to the costs time has snuck on by.

The Loss of Genetic Continuity, Linking Past and Future (breaking your family blood line, no mini-me, etc.) I have thought about this a lot lately. If we had a genetic child that child would be blood related to my sister and I only not anyone else in my family. However, with my husband it would of course be genetically related to his. I've thought about this if we had to use donor eggs or sperm. I'd hate to lose his genetics more than mine. Not to mention when the baby is born people automatically look for similarities in the parents. That is fun to do. My husband looks JUST like his grandfather did when he was younger and at times he looks a lot like his father. I know what my biological family looks like and I look like my Aunt and mom. Thats the first stuff I wanted to know besides medical when I found my biolgical family. Who do I LOOK like??? Plus...we looked similar as babies and I would love to see if our baby will look the same.

The Loss ofChild With A Beloved Partner (seeing the combo of you and your mate, bonding your families together, etc.) This is touched upon in the perviouis part.

The Loss of the Physical Satisfaction of Pregnancy and Birth (the ultimate expression of femininity or masculinity, finally feeling like an "adult", not experiencing baby kicks/hiccups/contractions/labor, etc.) No one can tell me "Well, pregnancy is not THAT great." My mom had some problems during one of her pregnancies and she still talks about it 40 years later. It was a very important part of her life. This is one of the reasons women will go to the ends of the earth to get pregnant. One thing that makes us OK with going through stuff each month is, "Well, one day I'll have a baby out of if." Who doesn't want to feel their baby kick??? If we adopted we would hear from someone else how the child was behaving while she was pregnant. Hearing and experiencing are two different things even if it includes stretch marks.

The Loss of the Emotional Gratification Of Pregnancy and Birth (bonding experience with baby/spouse/friends/family, feeling pampered/cared for/protected by others, finally succeeding, etc.) OK..... I have to admit I am a tad selfish and I want to be pampered damnit!!!! I have felt like it was "my turn" a LONG time ago. So talk about emotional gratification when it finally happens!!!! My mother in law once said to me, "I will spoil you when you get pregnant." This is when my sister in law was pregnant with baby number 2. That stung. Now, she said this before our diangosis, so I can forgive that I guess. However, it did cross my mind. "What if I never get pregnant?" In the beginning of trying I would make plans on how I would tell my husband. I still have that plan and EVEN if we get pregnant through IVF I plan to use it in SOME way. I've had 6 and half years to perfect it. I also feel that its important to pamper adoptive moms to be as well. There is a Paper Pregnant shower that is the coolest idea. Its to get a little bit of the pampering that pregnant women get that we may never receive, even if its only for a few hours. I also feel like baby showers are VERY important for people who are adopting. The baby may be at its own shower. Throw an adoptive parent the EXACT showers you would throw them if they were physically pregnant. The games may be a tad different. I was at a New Year's Party last year and there was a group of moms there. They were sitting there talking about their children, pregnancies and everything else. Everyone who wasn't parents(VERY few by the way) were at the other end of the room watching the ball drop. So, there is a bond among those who have been pregnant and parented. I wonder if we adopted how I would feel amongst a group of those mothers talking about their pregnancies. That would be a part I couldn't talk about.

The Loss of the Opportunity To Parent (considered a normal developmental life milestone, society standard commonality, where to channel those natural nurturing needs, etc.) Now this is what adoptive moms DO get. We get the ultimate job of parenting and raising a child that we will love. That is our ultimate goal. I wonder at times if infertility keeps you from remembering your ultimate goal. There are reminders everywhere. However, you go through something for SO long and you forget why you were there in the first place. I'm telling you six and half years is a LONG time (and we will probably be waiting even longer) when others wait only a few months. There is a huge difference in my mindframe from then and now,

Finally, On a side note. If we adopt it will not be because someone suggested it to us. It will be after other things have been resolved and spoken about between my husband and I. I know some family members who will have an "I told you so smug attitude" if we adopt and end up with a baby. That will upset me more than being told to "just relax." This is NOT a decision you make just because of a suggestion.
I know everyone has different experiences with adoption and infertility. I always wonder what other people going through this feel. HOW can you go straight to adoption???

Friend

2010-01-06T06:21:00.000-08:00

I logged on to Facebook Monday morning (yes, the root of all evil and pregnancy announcments) the other morning and I saw on someone's comments, "by the way congrats on the baby, babies are a blessing from God." OK... NORMALLY I roll my eyes and think "GOOD LORD these people are announcing this all over Facebook GAG me!!" Not on this one. This was a friend of mine who has been trying to get pregnant LONGER than me (Yes.. people who have been trying longer than 6 and half years DO exist and she was about to pull out a loan to do IVF).

SHE GOT PREGNANT the old fashion way.. you know the way they taught you in 6th Grade??? Yeah.. THAT way.
She has had 6 mediciated IUI cycles (she's the one who told me about the lovely side effects of the medicine, thus scaring the crap out of me) and never got pregnant and all of a sudden things start working and BAM.

.I knew she had recently had Gastric Bypass surgery(her theory was since insurance won't cover my IVF I'm going to get SOMETHING out of them). So I texted her and asked her if she was pregnant. She responded "Yes, and I'm going to KILL my uncle for writing that." (since then the post has been deleted). She had only told family and wasn't actually planning announcing it on Facebook.. um ever. I was truly happy for her. . I spoke with her last night and she said that she's still shocked and scared since she's only 6 weeks. She got pregnant naturally. Apparently losing the weight made her ovulate regularly and she got pregnant six months after that. How cool is that?? Oh.. I wish my situation was that simple, but according to my docs its not. Dangit!!!!! So, we are praying this pregnancy sticks. I know she would be devestated if it doesn't. These situations always give me hope for myself that pregnancy isn't as illusive and is a REAL thing not a bizarre happening that at this time is totally out of reach.

Nothing makes me want to be pregnant more than a pregnancy announcment though no matter what direction it comes from. One day I can be all, "OK we will look in to adoption." Then I SWEAR the next day here come two or three pregnancy announcements. Its like taking a pregnancy test and the next day I get my period. FOOL PROOF way to get things going.

Oh on another note...You have to go to this site for some comic relief. The sad thing is most of this is true. I showed it to my mom and she felt sorry for me. I was like, "Are you kidding this is the thoughts that go through my head all the time?? Please don't feel sorry for me."

Christmas x2

2010-01-02T11:10:00.000-08:00

To some people it may be comforting to hear what could be worse in life than your current situation. A soldier at war who has lost his legs may greive their loss of legs, but be thankful to God that they are alive. Does that make their reality of losing their legs anymore real or less painful. No. They still lost their ability to walk again. They have to grieve that loss. To tell them "Well, it could be worse," could fall on deaf ears because at that time its the worst thing they have to learn to live with. By telling them this, the only person you made feel better was yourself.

The above situation is how I feel about comments made to me recently. A few months ago I was given a pregnancy announcement, and I didn't take it well. This was IMMEDIATLEY followed by telling me that someone we knew had terminal cancer. The whole reasoning was to tell me this at that very moment was as to make me think, "you think you've got it bad this person will DIE." That's just not fair. It made me feel guilty for being upset about a pregnancy announcment.. I hate that because its like there is this imaginary scale of life experiences and which is more painful. Its almost like people use these things as arsenals to minimize your situation and make you think, "Well, its not THAT bad" or "I'm overexaggerating." While in the end you feel like your feelings don't matter.

Another situation happened over Christmas when given another pregnancy announcement and I started crying in front of family. Yes it was lovely. I hate that because it makes me SO vulnerable and its something usually only my hubby sees. Its something I don't want anyone else to see because they don't get it. However, you see a trend here of what sets me off. This person was not only cruel in their choice of words, but smug to say the least. I felt they took my vulnerable state and rolled with it. This is one person I learned LONG AGO not to share anything with as she has a tendency to make it worse. She stated that after she had her child she couldn't have anymore due to a hysterecomy. So essentially this person was trying to make me feel guilty for being upset because they experienced something similar. I'm not going to play the Pain Olympics, but there is a difference between 1 versus zero. Then for what I felt was the ultimate low blow.. she brought up someone who had a baby die at 20 weeks about 3 years back. How cruel can you be???Do they think I'm that selfish to not think that losing a baby would horrible. I'm well aware that it is a reality and is one of my greatest fears as I know pregnancy does not always equal baby in the end. They were pulling at straws to make me think other people have it worse. That works with.. NO ONE. Just as telling someone, "Well at least you could get pregnant" after multiple miscarriages doesn't work either. The only thing this person succeeded in was making me want to hit them. I had to leave the house.

So, I decided to take this as a lesson learned. When someoene is upset, let them be uspet. Don't compare YOUR pain or someone elses unfortunate life situations to theirs because its just not fair. No matter how small it may seem in your eyes. Its not at all in theirs. Let them deal the way they know how. I have learned when I hear pregnancy announcements I need my husband. NO ONE ELSE!!! I also can't be around the person giving the announcement. Nothing against them, but its how I cope. I have to be able to get away, cry, be upset, reasses and then come back. To made to feel guilty about how I've learned to deal with it is not fair. I was not given that opportunity this Christmas. It was just thrown out there and I was not able to get away. To mock my reaction is cruel.

Christmas

2009-12-26T11:43:00.000-08:00

OK... this blog has gotten far too depressing.. YIKES!! I promise in real life I am somewhat more fun than this. Christmas was fun and instead of making me sad to be around babies I was incrediably happy. I mean totally. My in laws have people who work for them who have a 10 month old and a 2 and half year old with one on the way. Even I panic at the thought of 3 at that age. I got to hold and play with them all Christmas morning. I was in hog heaven and I'm sure their mom was OK with having them off her hands for a little while. Seeing my Sister-in-Law was good too. She was odviously pregnant, but I felt no jealousy at all. I think the main reason is because she had lost a child at 20 weeks and we spoke about how nice it must be for others to take their pregnancies so casually. She's at 23 weeks with this one and doing well physically. H er nurse sister has done a sono each week. That sounds like something I would be doing. I'd be a sono addict. Is there a Songram Anonymous?? If there is please sign me up now. I'm addicted to seeing my insides. They are kinda cool.

I learned something. I have gotten where I can't stand being asked questions about my infertility. I use to be non complacent about it. Now, I find it super intrusive. I need to remember that for myself because I know I've been guilty of that with other people. I autotmatically assume since I was so open about it that others who are going through it are as well. Some aren't, AT ALL!!! I had cousins asking me questions and they got all sympahetic. YUCK YUCK YUCK!!!!! I couldn't tell if it was real or fake, but I didn't want to go in to details about where we were on the process of this with them. I don't even know how they knew about our situation, but most people assume fertility treatments mean IVF when there isn't anything further from the truth. They don't get that, I don't care to explain it to people who I only see like 2 or three times a year. Its too much emotional energy.

On another note there was a pregnancy announcement that threw me for a major loop Christmas Eve from my hubby's cousin who is engaged. What the heck happened to getting married FIRST???? I mean COME ON!!!!! Is that a lost art??? Anyways, I took it hard. I won't go in to detials, but it wasn't pretty. I think sometimes the announcments are harder on me sometimes. I want to get back to the place where I was happy for others and sad for myself. That was a better place to be.
So, emotionally I was all over the place this Christmas.

I hope everyone had a good Christmas.

Delayed reaction to Christmas

2009-12-18T10:17:00.000-08:00

OK... from what I am reading on other blogs dealing with infertility I think I had a delayed reaction to what Christmas means to those who can't have children. Some people who are only on year two of this are in far worse of a place than I was at that point. That could be because at that point not only was I young, but we had very little money, so while not getting pregnant was painful I was almost of the mind frame that God did not intend for this to happen for us right now. Not to mention every time I mentioned it to my husband he'd blow it off. To him it was a we can't do anything about it right now why even discuss it thing. THAT has TOTALLY changed. THANK GOD!!!

We'd spend Christmas with my parents and watch my younger cousins and neices open presents. We never received any because only children got presents. This really should be no big deal because Christmas should be all about giving, but we have no children and while we love our neices, nephews and numerous cousins watching kids that are not yours open presents can only be so fun for so long after so many years. My parents would make us attend saying "Its all about the Children." I'd agree and feel guilty that I was upset about not getting anything. I'd feel selfish.

Then came the year that my cousin who is ten years older than me, met her husband a year after I got married, married him a year after that, got pregnant immediatly showed up with her new baby in tow. The baby of course was the highlight of the Christmas and rightfully so, but I think for the FIRST time ever I had a strong emotional reaction to somone else having children and not me. I was surprised by it. I had to run out of the room praying to God that no one saw me crying. My Sister-In-Law I think was waiting for me to break down or could see it in my face because she chased me to the bathroom saying, "You can adopt." I went back in to the room later hoping no one noticed, and I don't think they did. I remember feeling incredibly guilty. I hated that.

Now, fast forward to this year... 3 years later after that incident. I thought time would make it easier, but it hasn't. In years past we have done Angel Adoptions and bought gifts for children, just to be able to buy gifts for a child. I'm certain this year we will do the same, However, this year I would LOVE to skip Christmas. I would like to stay at my house and just be with my husband and puppies. WHY??? Well.... My pregnant Sister-in-Law and another pregant person will be there. At this time I don't care to be around it. I may feel different the day of Christmas, but I just don't care to hear all the pregnancy details. The only reason I am going is to keep My Mother-In-Law from disowning my husband.

I have a doctor's appointment on the 23rd and for the FIRST time through all of this I am going to ask my doctor for some anxiety medicine. Even if I need it to survive Christmas I don't care. Unfortunantley this is a situation I can not remove myself from unlike a baby shower (where I can walk out or go to the bathroom if I get upset). This siutation I'm stuck in a house full of people. While some people can make it through this on prayer alone and I can't tell you how much I admire that and am in awe of some people's strength.
I can't. Not this year.

Facebook

2009-12-10T06:22:00.000-08:00

If anything starts drama it most certaintly is Facebook!!! Now, the thing is most of this is self imposed drama due to pics and status updates alone. The other half is based on who is "friended" and who is not. Now, I'm not one for holding too much in. However, on Facebook I have to. When I see a pregnancy announcment I have choices. I can chose to swallow my pride and congratulate them or just not say a thing or I could be totally cruel and say "AGAIN??" or something mean and all sorts of catty sounding that would defenintly start all sorts of drama. So, mostly I don't say anything.

Recently, one person on my Facebook wrote something to the effect of having a fantasy of what life would be like single and childless. Now, I understand needing "me time." We ALL need that. However, if you are going to post that for the world to see(even your Mother in Law) you need to be ready for the backlash. So, I wrote back, If you knew the reality behind those words they would take them back. That didn't go over so well. To me if you wish your life was different you DO have a right to vent that. We ALL have those wondering momments. I totally get that even without kids. HOWEVER, my first reaction was to tell her "Be careful what you wish for because I can tell you the reality of what life is like without kids."

Remember though, that your status updates can be seen by all and if you want the world to know what is going on in your private life or how you are feeling for only a moment then be ready for the consequences. Be ready for judegment and cruel words if you say something mean that you feel at the moment and may not feel an hour later. There are momments that I want to write the truth, but I don't need hundreds of opinions and comments, and mostly only a VERY small percentage know what we are going through family making wise and I'd like to keep it that way. Now, I do have a link on my profile to Resolve on there for a reason to clue people in and hopefully to keep them from asking questions about why I don't have kids. Situations like this have made me more aware of what I write. I'm trying to stick to "Its cold" etc from now on. NO MATTER what is going on IRL!!!

Dr. Appointments, snow and Target

2009-12-07T06:47:00.000-08:00

It snowed Friday afternoon, and being from Texas that is a RARITY!!! So, teaching was pretty much useless on Friday. I was concerned(OK Panicked is a MUCH better word) because it was suppose to freeze and my husband had a very very important Dr appointment. Yes, after 6 and a half long emotionally draining years, and 3 different doctors we are finally able to get him PROPERLY diagnosed(I'll explain later my totally out of the blue emotional reaction to this). We were so excited because it was a step forward. We got there and look at the forms and low and behold on them it has a list of things you have to pay UPFRONT(this wasn't included in the paperwork they sent us via e-mail). We tallied up the cost that we would have to pay at the first appointment and it equaled out to around $250. I was upset not to have been told this over the phone or in the packet of paperwork they sent us prior, but we NEEEDED to have this appointment and couldn't afford to cancel it, so I figured we would suck up the cost. Well... 2 hours and a very invasive exam or two later the grand total was $400!!! He had to have a special test because his count etc was just THAT bad and we are that special. I am filling out a claim form TODAY along with receipts etc, but its Christmas and we have gifts to buy and bills to pay. So needless to say I was more than a little upset about that.

That night was spent with me pouting and very upset at paying this. The next morning I was feeling a little better. I'd gotten over the fact we spent so much and decided to try "shop." I went in to one store and then met my husband in Target. We went to X-mas isle and behind us was stocking stuffers and I just LOST it(told you it was totally out of the blue). All I could think of was, "What if we never have kids to give stocking stuffers to?" "What if we deplete every account we have to get a child and have nothing to show for it EVEN through adoption?" My mind was going in all sorts of directions. I tried to pray to calm me down which usually helps, but not this time(GREAT IN PUBLIC TOO THANKS!!!) I had to hide my head in my husbands jacket so that people didn't think I was totally insane and I was just overly affectionate in public. Poor guy. All he could say was "What do you want me to do?" I had no idea what he could do, but I know I had to go to a different section of the store. I decided I could look at Xmas trees and be OK. WRONG!!!! What was the first thing I saw with the ornaments??? "Babys first Christmas" ornament set. I have been close to having panic attacks before, but this was different. The room started spinning and I honestly thought I was going to pass out or throw up. I wasn't too sure. I probably would have had my husband not had the frame of mind to get me out of there. We left the STORE immediatly which just HAPPENS to be right by a Babies-R-Us. So, pregnant people were everywhere(or it felt that way).

I thought I woudd be happy with being able to go forward and I am. I truly am, but the mere fact that it took us years to get to just the starting point really got to me. This is the point we should of been at 3 or so more years ago. The way it looks right now my husband will have to have surgery this coming year for at least a varicocile(which we have known about for a while) and possibly some other things that they are testing for right now and in January. I'm OK with surgery. I'd happily undergo 4 surgeries each if the end result means a child.

Faith

2009-12-01T17:02:00.000-08:00

As long as we have been in this infertility trial I honestly don't feel like I have lost faith in God. Now, to say I haven't had my "Why me moments" (days) would be an overexaggeration along with momments of frustration with Him. I still feel and hopefully will always feel that God knows what He is doing. My faith can't be one of convienince. I can't say "OK God I'll believe in more if you just make my body do what I want it to do." or "bring a child to us through adoption." We are a lot like little children at times I think. We pout and say "I'm not talking to you until you do what I say." So, what do we do when we finally get an answer to our prayer??? Do we say "Thank You and" and forget when we turned our backs on Him ??? That again is childless and something I am striving not to do.

To lose faith in God would be counterproductive I think. I can see how it can happen in all honesty because when we pray we seem to expect God's answer to be "Yes" especially when it comes to something as basic as having a child. We don't understand why others get their prayers answered and we don't. Reminding myself that God is in control is difficult especially as more people around me are able to go on with their lives.

Thankgiving

2009-11-30T06:16:00.000-08:00

My Thanksgiving was great!!!! I spent time with my family and had some(TOO much great food). We kept ourselves busy by shopping and just enjoying each others company. We even did the EARLY morning Black Friday thing. We swore we would never do it again, but this year we found ourselves at Wal--Mart way too early in the morning. My hubby got his laptop though, so all it right with his world:) We went to the Country Peddlers show and there was SOOO much there. I LOVE going there. I'm trying to get in the X-Mas spirit this year by decorating my house.

Birthfamilies

2009-11-18T07:43:00.000-08:00

Since I am very strongly considering adoption this has given me time to reflect on my own adoption and how I want my child to view their biological families (these days call First Parents), its also a good way to see what I want done in our situation that may of possibly been overlooked in my own.

I was adopted through the state and those adoptions are normally closed. However, since I was finally given to my parents at the age of 4 after being fostered by family for 2 or so years (adoption finalized at 6 due to paperowork mishaps) I had memories and it was my parents choice if they wanted contact with the biological family. We kept contact with my biological grandmother who I remember adoring. However, we did not keep contact with our biological mom or dad. We were told by my biological grandparents that they did not know where she was(this turned out to be false) We were always told "she was too young to have children" and it was too much for her. I always accepted that answer and went on with my life. Turns out that was the truth. Given these facts alone I can see quickly that my family would of been one of disfunction had I stayed with them. Not to say my adoptive family is perfect(however they are pretty awesome) I feel a great sense of security with them far more than I ever did with my biological family.

If I ever had and questions towards my adoption it was: Why the HECK did my biological mom NOT give us up for adoption on her own? I KNOW she was young. I KNOW its difficult. However, it would of prevented some unfortunate situations from happening to my older sister who was also eventually adopted as well. The state had to step in . Its one reason I get upset when I see girls getting pregnant so young. Their situation could easily be the same.

While my reasons for adopting will be different than my own parents, they are helping me with the process. My view of my child's biological parent (family) will be different than what they viewed ours as.

Weekend

2009-11-02T06:32:00.000-08:00

My hubby graduated from the Fire Academy this weekend!!! I spent Friday cleaning and getting ready. It was a great weekend and he was on cloud nine when he found out he had passed all sections of his State Exam and the overall exam. This honestly was no easy feat. 7 out of 26 failed to the point that they will have to retake the whole thing. If he had failed one section he would have to retake that section only. Now, he can go on to take the EMT class. I heard more pregnancy announcements this weekend. I swear they are everywhere. I heard them all as I was stuck in a car with family and I couldn't leave. Jumping out of a car on a busy highway is probably not a good idea. So, I prayed I wouldn't get angry especially when one of the announcements was enough to make my blood boil. The prayer worked because pretty quickly I had put it in the back of my mind. Now, the person giving the announcements probably wasn't too thrilled that I wasn't jumping up and down for joy, but hey give me credit I'm still working on the anger part. I just kept telling myself, "God has a plan for me." With this said.. I have to tell you what happened later that evening..... I kind of see it as God's reward for being "good" and not getting angry.

We were at my cousin's house celebrating my hubby's graduation when in walked this couple (a little older.. mid 40s early 50s) with THE CUTEST little boy!!! I couldn't help but smile. I wasn't certain if he was theirs or what the deal was. He was a little darker, but not much, so he could of easily been theirs. You know how genetics works!!!! So, I asked them if the baby was theirs and they said they had adopted them. Well, I'm finding myself drawn to families that have adopted, and I said, "I HAVE to talk to you." So, she told me the story and then told me that the agency she went through only goes off referrals. Someone who has adopted through there has to refer someone else to adopt and she would refer us!!! Of course I was thrilled. It seems the more I become open to adoption the more it surrounds me. I find more people who have adopted. Its really tooo cool.

Update: Please pray for this family. This mom just had twins and one was diagnosed with Bacterial Meningitis. I don't know much about it, but keep them in your prayers. This is a blog I have read almost daily and never really commented on. http://www.conceptiondeception.blogspot.com/

All better

2009-10-28T06:02:00.000-07:00

Ok... put a band aid on my wound I'm all better now... sorta.
I feel better about my Sister-In-Law being pregnant. I have NO IOTA of a clue why I do, but I do. Now, I'm not all up for hearing details about it, but I've come to the conclusion my anger won't make anything go away no matter how hard I try. I've officially diagnosed myself as bipolar on certain aspects in life. When I hear pregnancy announcements all I want to do is freak out and do fertility treatments. Then, in time I chill out and thne lean towards adoption. This little war is so much fun in my head, let me tell you. I read adoption blogs and think.. "WOW!" Then, I think of the reality.. The paperwork etc. I do have to admit that earlier this year I started collecting photos and going to the scrapbooking store to make a family scrapbook. I even found some cool adoption scrapbook pages. So, I have the stuff. Has it gotten started yet??? HA. Those good intentions get you everytime.

I think pouring yourself in to the process is what you have to do to get through the reality of it all. I wish more people would give their babies up for adoption. This, of course is a selfish wish. If we adopted, we would have to wait until we had something more than our one bedroom apartment. So, we probably wouldn't even get started on the process until next Summer. HOWEVER, this does give me time to get the scrapbook ready as it would take me 6 months to do it. I'm certain it takes others a month or so, but I did start collecting stuff back in January and February, so history proves this will take me a while.

Things I know IF we adopt (and tomorrow I could totally change my mind. Told ya I'm bipolar about this).

1. I want an infant or a young baby.
2. I want a semi open or open adoption.
3. If I adopt once I'll probably adopt again.
4. NO if I adopt I will NOT get pregnant if I adopt. I can't scream that loudly enough. It won't happen. Thank. you. very. much. That happens to people who have unexplained infertility, and we are SO not unexplained.
5. We'd move closer to our families.

So, we'll see.

Selfish

2009-10-26T17:00:00.000-07:00

Yes... someone told me I was being selfish and reminded me that my sister in law didnt get pregnant to torture me.(DUH!!!) and God tells us to put others before ourselves.To give this person credit they did say it after they said, "I have no idea what you are going through." I'm not mad at my Sister-In-Law. I'm mad at my own non working body and frustrated. Easy pregnancies are a harsh reminder of what I can't have.

First, I want to say.. I don't know what the rules are for emotional feelings with infertility. I'm fully aware that others go through life crises too. They don't know the rules either. I've prayed a lot, I 've done journaling, speaking with others going through this, and have done what I can to make myself better. That doesn't make me selfish. I've been told what I'm feeling is normal which is fine and dandy, but being called selfish hurts, but makes you reflect on why someone would say that. It might seem that infertility is all I think about. Its not. I eat, sleep, clean, pay bills and deal with other life stuff. This is just a seven year long life crisis(didn't feel like one as much at first, but is sure does now)

However, I really thought about it because from the outside looking in I can totally see how I can be perceived that way. I mean I don't celebrate pregnancies, baby showers, and totally avoid maternity wards at all cost unless I have to go in them. What this person doesn't realize is I use to LOVE to go look at the babies at the hospitals until just a few years ago even when dealing with infertility. It gave me hope. Kinda resparked my want/need for a child. I would honestly celebrate pregnancy announcements and happily attend baby showers without putting on a fake face thinking, "One day it will be my turn and I'll be the one celebrating." I would go to the baby isle and look at all the cute baby things. Now just walking anywhere near that isle hurts. I didn't tell people for YEARS we were trying to get pregnant(you can do that when you get married young. People just think your waiting). So, I kept a lot hidden and faked a lot of smiles and it wore me out. As time has gone on I guess you can say I've beome more cynical to the idea. My mom was talking about baby names if it was a boy or a girl and I just couldn't do it. All I said was "mhm." I guess I'm not at that point yet with this.

As far as putting others before ourselves. I couldn't agree more. However, do I sacrafice myself for the sake of someone else? No. On that note, I truly hope that I can get to the point that I will be happy to have a new neice or nephew. It won't be this kids fault I can't have one. I don't want to speak to my Sister-in-Law because she will try to comfort me and I don't need that from her.

Everyone is different. I had a infertile coworker who attended all the showers(heck she PLANNED THEM), births and anything baby related, but I know she's hurting deeply. I think she does it for the same reason I use to attend them.

I call it Self Preservation. I need my freak out moments. I need to feel whatever it is I'm feeling at that moment. You can't deny yourself your emotions. I've learned that. My emotions have taken me totally by surprise. TOTALLY. I didn't expect to feel anything I have felt. I thought I'd truly be OK with not being able to have kids. Turns out I wasn't.

???

2009-10-24T10:00:00.001-07:00

Well, my new (one month of marriage) Sister in Law is pregnant. 12 weeks to be exact... HMMMM do the math. This is my brother's wife. Along with my OTHER sister in law being pregnant with her 3rd one on the other side of the family it makes for an emotional catastrophy for me. My mom called last night (shes known for weeks) and told my husband... I grabbed the phone and asked.. "WHOS PREGNANT???" No one had to tell me I could tell by their conversation that was what was going on. I LOST it. I cried for HOURS and am still amazed at the irony of it all. Statistically, I should have a baby by now. I'm 30 and started trying at 23. She's had 2 kids already. One of them has already had a baby herself. So.. this STUNG bad. I went to sleep last night with a huge headache and woke up so depressed. I got in the tub and tried to think about being happy because I'm getting another neice or nephew(the 12th one) and I couldn't. I just started crying everytime I tried to think of it. I don't know where I am emotionally right now. I know where I was last night, and it was a bad place, but now I honestly don't know. I just hurt. That simple. I use to pretend to be happy for people when they got pregnant. Now, it just takes too much emotional energy.

Grief

2009-10-21T18:36:00.000-07:00

As women we are conditioned to become mothers. I don't care where you came from. We JUST are. Go look at any toy isle and you will find a babydoll with diapers and all the gear for a three year old to play with to prepare her for motherhood. Now, you won't find this in the boys isles!!! We play house with our friends, put our doll in a stroller and keep them "fed." Growing up and "name" our future children as we talk with our friends. We talk of our future husbands and families and how we want to have 4 children 2 years apart. In Junior High we learn how "babies are made"(some learn before that). We eventually go on to High School and college, get married to someone we love to hopefully reach the goal we set for ourselves at the mere age of three. WOW... such high expectations of ourselves at such a young age.

Along with this Pregnancy is celebrated EVERYWHERE just look at the "Baby Bump"shirts and the baby clothes sections of stores. I mean its a huge market. When a celebrity gets pregnant its news. Its supposedly a wonderful experience. The most amazing feeling in the world. WHO wouldn't want that??

BUT>>>>What happens though when what we had engrained in us growing up doesn't happen.?The birds and the bees don't work, Junior High Science fails us? We learned ALL about birth control. I don't think I saw the term IUI or IVF in my biology book. It all sounded so dang easy. Heck I was told I could get pregnant without even having sex(Someone explain that one to me). Our emotions go out of wack... we have to rechange our thinking... join a new "world." The Fertile world is too painful and far to clueless to understand. We simply GRIEVE... STRONGLY.. There is a name for this grief....

This is called (def) Disenfranchised Grief: when the grief is connected with a loss which cannot be openly acknowledged, publicly mourned or socially supported. In many cases of disenfranchised grief, the relationship is not recognised, the loss is not recognised or the griever is not recognised. The loss of a child through infertility/ miscarriage is usually a loss which cannot be openly acknowledged, which is why people often suffer in silence...people who have experienced any type of loss often feel anger, guilt, sadness, depression, hopelessness and numbness and that in cases of disenfranchised grief, these feelings can persist for a very long time. The lack of recognition of their grief often results in them holding on to it more tenaciously than they might otherwise have done.

Grief strongly needs to acknowledged as "right." What one person may grieve another may not. I feel embarassement, ridicule, and feelings of inadequacy leads to disenfranchised grief. Grief needs an outlet. Some write, take photographs, make friends with others going through similar things and others find strength in their Faith. If one thing I have learned from my struggle with Infertility (and I've learned so many things) is I can't be afraid to feel what I'm feeling even if others "just don't get it" like my insurance company. Each persons loss is different, but acknowledge it.

God's Plan

2009-10-12T12:08:00.000-07:00

God's Plan and my plan a lot of times just don't mesh. I think at times he has to force his way to say "HELLO I"M HERE and in control you aren't." This happens with many things in life money, big purchases and odviously our "family planning" or lack there of. I've been following a blog of a local couple that had 6 children after having an IUI. Sadly, they just lost the 4th one. stanseljourney.blogspot.com This couple also happened to be in the NY Times who is currently doing a segment(very bias) on fertility treatments.

People's response to their posting of losing their child are heartwrenching and some are just plain cruel. I don't know if I would be able to handle it. Thanks to the lovely artcile in the Times about IVF and multiples that I won't even waste my time adding a link to, the comments are painful. One just really stuck out in my head "It wasn't in God's plan for you to have children you were meant to be inferile."

Now, How the Heck does that person know what God had planned?? I'm just curious. Are they "all knowing?" Do they have a one on one deal with God?? If they know God's plan in my life please tell me because they seem to know someone else's. Odviously, this upsets me as this is a matter that I feel very strongly about, but again its not a chosen path. I think of Rachel in the bible who couldn't have children and others would speak down to her and treat her horribly. She was desperate to have a child and literally on her knees. To assume that times have changes is a radical assumption. The basic desire to have a child is strong, and thank goodness it is there or we would of stopped existing years ago. I know I probably need to learn to ignore such comments, but I feel a very strong need to stick up for those who can't defend themselves.

Job

2009-10-05T11:11:00.000-07:00

My husband got a job working with .... ME!!!!! It will be great to carpool and to have that time of the day together. These money issues have really been tough on us, and I am hoping that we can recover from it all in time to truly enjoy the holidays with each other. He graduates at the end of October and I am so happy and proud!!! Thank you for those who prayed for us:)

$$$$

2009-09-30T09:43:00.000-07:00

My husband has not been working. To say this is tough on our marriage would be a huge understatement. Living on my paycheck is testing every part of our relationship. We've had to reduce expenses to only the bare minimum. The basics are getting paid, but that is it. He's had some leads, so we are crossing our fingers for that. Its stressful on me because I'm the one paying the bills and hes stressed because hes getting the run around on some of these jobs he's applying for. He's still in school and will be done at the end of this month. So, this will leave him with more hours open to work. One job thats looking possible would have insurance and alloow us to get him FULLY diagnosed PROPERLY(his last insurance didn't pay for diagnosis and he's had a few tests ultrasounds and such, but we need more done with a specialist) The fertility stuff is totally on the backburner right now as it seems as it has been for years. So frustrating, its like the rich can only afford this.

30

2009-08-29T15:46:00.000-07:00

I turned 30 on Friday the 28th of August. I was soooo concerned I was going to be depressed on my bday. I'm so happy to say
that was not the case at all. However, the same can't be said for the night before. I was
still awake at midnight with Tony and he said Happy 30th. It hit me on what I had planned.
I wanted two kids by now and my tubes tied. Odviously, that's not the case.
I told Tony that and he just let me cry. I think that's what I needed. I went to sleep
Concerned the next day would be brutal. It wasn't at all. I hardly thought about it all day.
My job is a great distractor at times. I have many hopes for my 30s and am hoping that its
in God's plan that I am a mom sometime in this decade!!! Clearly, my plan and His aren't in sync.

School year

2009-08-22T09:27:00.000-07:00

The school year is fixing to begin and for the most part I am ready. I have 20 students this year. Last year, I believe I had about 16 or 17. I should remember those things, but I forget the kiddos names the day they leave my class. My favorite part about teaching is seeing them grow up. I saw one of my old students who will now be in 8th Grade!!! I almost didn't recognize her. She was so sweet in class and I hope she stays that way. Junior High can turn them rotten if your not careful.

Yesterday, I drove home and thought I was ahead of a strom. WRONG. I was right in the middle of it. I drive on a very tall bridge to get home and I couldn't see in front of me. I know now that if its raining hard I don't care if I am at home or at school I'm just going to stay put. The radar made it look like worse storms were coming our way, and that is why I drove home when I did. DANG IT!!! My poor little car just trucked its way up the bridge. I think it was saying "I think I can I think I can." I desperatly need a new car.

On hubby job front we have a few prospects, but who knows what will work out in the end. We need it. This economy is rough. WOW. Its something you don't realize til you are out of a job.

Wish me luck on my First Week Back.. OH and my 30th B-day coming up on the 28th. I'll see how I feel that day about it, as for now I'm not too thrilled.

6

2009-08-10T21:42:00.000-07:00

There is a family in the Houston area that just had 6 babies!! They
Were born 17 weeks early, and sadly two did not make it. The other 4 are
Fighting. The mother has almost exactly what I have and these babies were conceived through
IUI with injectibles which is what we would be doing had it not been for our
Lovely Male Factor. They seem like a really sweet couple and as u know I tend to root
For those who struggle the most. They went this route cause insurance wouldn't
Cover IVF(yet agaain another reason it should be covered). This couple had
Already lost twins. I always wonder how much loss a person can endure.
These people were not gready. Their goal was identical to mine and anyone elses.
One Healthy baby. So pray for this family and the struggles they will endure.
Here's a link to their site...stanseljourney.com

Summer

2009-08-03T17:21:00.001-07:00

I moved classrooms (well halfway done) today. It's gonna be a different set up. I'm probably going to getting rid of some furniture.All I can say is "THANK GOD ITS ON WHEELS!!" We are still looking for a job for hubby. He was told he had one job, went to their training, filled out all the Human Resource junk and hasn't heard ANYTHING back. FRUSTRATING. We NEED money. We can't do without his paycheck. He quit is other job thinking he had this job, so this sucks. I'm not too excited about the school year. I love my job etc and I did get in to my classroom and all, but I'm not thinking "YEAH!!!" I just want it to be Summer(without the awful heat) all year long. Thats about it for now.

Oh, is it bad when somone posts on their MySpace status "Fertile Myrtle" and you say "must be nice." I'm certain the response I get will be not good and its not like people can't be happy they are pregnant because Fertlile Myrtles TOTALLY don't get those who aren't.

Priorities

2009-07-08T17:19:00.000-07:00

Does our country have its prorities mixed up or what???

Why do we celebrate the fact that an abortion pill (that costs a mere $400) works?? Why do we celebrate the death of a child molestor for his "art"? I'm really honestly worried about our countries moral compass. When more pro abortions get a thumbs up and those that are anti-abortion get a thumbs down I think we have a problem. Life starts at conception.. END OF STORY. It states in the bible God knew us before we were in our mother's womb. Kinda neat if you ask me. God knows my future kids and I don't. I've always thought of it like that.

My view may not be popular as I have learned, but I feel abortion is a weak choice. How LUCKY you are you can chose. I don't get that choice(not that I would chose it). Some feel adoption is a weak choice. I don't know why because who knows where I would be if my parents had not given me up for adoption.

What I dont understand is where abortion even began. What is the history behind it? I do know women would die from it and you don't want that happening, but did we lose God somewhere along the way. Women panic, I understand that, but come on. THINK. Its a CHILD. A REAL HUMAN.

Read the article below...

Roughly a fourth of American women getting early abortions last year did so with drugs rather than surgery, statistics show, as a new study reported improved safety in using the so-called "abortion pill."

Some experts predict the percentage of such "medical abortions," which offer more privacy than surgical termination at an abortion clinicor hospital, will rise even more due to the new study.

The research, done at Planned Parenthood clinics across the country, shows that a new way of giving pills to induce abortion virtually eliminated the risk for a rare but dangerous infection.

"This is the first really huge documentation of how safe and effectivemedical abortion is," said Dr. Beverly Winikoff, a professor of family health and population at Columbia University. "The technology is very good and very well used in this country, and probably will be used more and more."

Two pills are used to induce an abortion. The primary drug, Mifeprex, was first approved in the U.S. in 2000. Use has risen steadily, even though manufacturer Danco Laboratories LLC of New York hasn't promoted it and the drug can only be obtained at a clinic or doctor's office, not through a pharmacy. Sales rose 16.5 percent last year, when about 184,000 American women used Mifeprex.

Medical abortions now account for about a quarter of early abortions, according to company spokeswoman Abby Long. At Planned Parenthood, the biggest provider of medical abortions, they amount to 32 percent of early terminations.

The group's study analyzed medical abortions at Planned Parenthood centers between 2005 and mid-2008 — about 228,000 cases. It found the abortion pill was about 98.5 percent effective and that changes in how the drugs were given reduced risk of a serious infection from barely 1 in 1,000 cases to 0.06 in 1,000.

The results are reported in Thursday's New England Journal of Medicine.

The procedure, which works during the first nine weeks of pregnancy, involves swallowing Mifeprex, known chemically as mifepristone, at a doctor's office. Originally known as RU-486, the pill causes an embryo to detach from the uterine wall. A second pill, misoprostol, is used 24 to 48 hours later to cause contractions and push the embryo out of the uterus.

These drugs are different from Plan B, which is taken within a couple days of contraceptive failure or unprotected sex to prevent pregnancy from occurring.

Originally, the procedure involved inserting the misoprostol pill into the vagina where the medicine was absorbed. But by the end of 2005, four American women and one Canadian had died of a rare bacterial infection afterward, spurring concern among providers and criticism by abortion opponents.

So in April 2006, Planned Parenthood told its 300 clinics offering the procedure to instead have patients put the misoprostol pill in their mouth and let it dissolve.

Some clinics also began providing a week's course of antibiotics to avoid infection; the others tested women and treated any with sexually transmitted diseases. In 2008, all the clinics started giving patients antibiotics.

"We decided we needed to make a safe procedure even safer," said the study's lead researcher, nurse practitioner Mary Fjerstad.

By the study's last six months, serious infections had declined to one-16th of the original rate.

"I think that providers are going to be pretty impressed with the data," said Dr. Beth Jordan, medical director of the Association of Reproductive Health Professionals, which plans to highlight the findings to doctors, nurse practitioners and pharmacists at its annual meeting in September.

Given that 87 percent of U.S. counties have no abortion provider, Jordan said the findings might encourage some primary care doctors to offer abortion using the pills.

"But I don't think it's going to open the floodgates," she said.

In October, the National Abortion Federation, representing 400 centers that provide more than half of abortions in the U.S. and Canada, will review the findings and decide whether to make changes accordingly. Federation President Vicki Saporta said current guidelines allow putting misoprostol in the cheek to dissolve, swallowing it, or inserting it in the vagina, which more than a third of her member clinics do.

Saporta said abortion opponents "have been misleading people into thinking that medical abortion is unsafe," but the study proves the procedure is safe. The cost is $400, only slightly less than the median cost for an early term surgical abortion.

Since approval in 2000, there have been six deaths from sepsis, a bloodstream infection, among the more than 1.1 million American women who have used Mifeprex, most recently one in July 2007. That's a death rate of less than 1 in 167,000, according to the maker, and less than 0.1 percent of patients have needed transfusions.

Misoprostol, which is officially approved in the U.S. for preventing stomach ulcers, is sold under the brand name Cytotec and made by Pfizer Inc.

Winikoff and Saporta both raised concerns about giving a full course of antibiotic treatment to all women to prevent very few infections — unlike the brief preventive dose given with surgical abortions. They said that could trigger a rare allergic reaction, add to the problem of antibiotic resistance and add to the cost of the procedure — making it unaffordable in developing countries.

Chris Gacek, a senior fellow at the anti-abortion Family Research Council, said he wasn't surprised by the increasing use of Mifeprex.

"I don't think at this point we're going to do anything" to try to limit its use, he said. "It's hard to know whether this increases the (total) number of abortions."

___

Dreams

2009-07-05T12:31:00.000-07:00

I don't know if dreams mean anything. I really don't. I just know I wish I could control them. It always seems that when I get the idea in my head that we should adopt or persue other options I have dreams of our child together. I rememeber one dream had a little girl in it who was red headed and had Tony's blue/green eyes and she was ours. Of course I don't remember all the details from the dream, but I woke up thinking I HAVE to have a baby(kind of like in the scene during Up and the wife sees babies in the clouds and all she has is babies on her brain). I have had dreams where I'm pregnant and others where I just had a baby. I wonder if its God's way of telling me not to give up on having my own yet or am I reading too much in to this?

Lucky and where do we go from here.

2009-07-01T15:05:00.001-07:00

I feel pretty lucky to have my hubby. We've been going through this infertility stuff for 6 years now and its rough odviously. However, I am finding out that there are couples out there where one can want to keep going on with fertility treatments and the other doesn't or one says an ABSOLUTE "NO" to adoption. We've never been like that. Actually, its always been what I want to do. I guess its a good thing. We are both on the same page as "We HAVE to go forward." We just can't sit here and do nothing as it feels like thats what we have done for years.

I can recall our frame of mind each year.

Year one----- We heard a lot of "just relax" I MEAN A LOT!!! That wasn't frustrating then because we were totally oblivious to what was ahead. In the beginning "just relax" can be encouraging. I even got the "your so young, just wait a few years." I heard that one often. Didn't "get" how people cried at pregnancy announcements. I thought they were overreacting(oh, how niave I was)!! However, I've known all my life I could have trouble getting pregnant and always thought "I'll just adopt." Didn't realize that decision isn't so cut and dry. Spent about $100 on pregnancy tests!!!!

Year two-- Really got tired of hearing "just relax" and find out yours truly isn't ovulating and hubby's sperm count SUCKS. That was a fun year let me tell ya. However, we were broker than broke, so it was a mixed blessing to not have to buy birth control. Besides .. I was 24 I had "plenty of time." Enjoy looking at baby stuff still. Start OPK

Year three-- Moved and finally have health insurance only to find out fertility treaments aren't covered. Knowing we will have to pursue fertiltily treatments we go to RE and find out we might as well skip all the low tech crap and go straight for IVF. That was tough to hear, but FINALLY an answer. Meet coworker who has gone through the same thing. Ironically, she plans the baby showers at the school. WOW!!! Hearing pregnancy announcements really starts to sting, but I'm optomistic that we can afford fertility treatments. Learn that OPK are useless with PCOS.. waste of money. Proctor and Gamble owe me $$$.

Year Four---- Can't do anything due to cost restrictions. So, sit back and watch everyone else go forward while hearing ignorant comments from people. Realize that people are pretty dumb. Let family in on whats going on. I know FOUR years later, but really I didn't want people to know. I didn't want to hear ANOTHER opinion.

Year Five--- Go back to doc and as I walk in the building I wonder why the heck there are maternity clothes in the "gift shop." Seriously, it should be in a whole different building. Doc says "its been yada yada number of cycles you need to start treatments." DUH. You just make them cheaper and we'll talk about it.

Year Six--- Will turn 30... REALLY considering adoption of going to another country to have treatments.

Praying about both options.

Tony did say something pretty cute the other day. I called him after hearing about an IVF program in Cheh(sp?)Republic that would cost about $7,000 (EVERYTHING total 14 days) and he said "Would we have to pay for an extra plane ticket if there are three of us on our way back."

Such a dork.

With adoption We'd have to wait too as we only have a one bedroom apartment and we want Tony to finish school before we go any further. While I am leaning towards adoption I don't know if the agency will let us go further if we haven't pursued treatments. Its a catch 22.

Advocacy Day

2009-06-24T18:55:00.000-07:00

Ok.. Tomorrow is Resolve Advocacy Day and its an organization I fully believe in. Resolves purpose is to provide support for those who are going through fertility and support. They are responsible for Illinois passing its IVF coverage (YEAH) for insurance. Texas laws have not been changed in 22 years. They are advocates for Adoption Laws and are basically a great positive voice. A great organization that I wish more people were fully aware of. Most people are fully aware of my view on infertility coverage on insurance.

I have come to find it amazing how we ignore or really honestly don't pay too much attention to organziations that stand up for others or speak up for those who may be unable to speak up for themselves until we need one. I wish I could be in Washington tomorrow as they speak with Senators and Representatives. Its just not financially feasible. I hope they are truly listened to and not glazed over. With this new "Health plan" idea my concern is these services won't be covered for those that need it. They are expensive and if I had my choice in life no one would ever need these services.

Even if I chose to do adoption I know I won't forget what got me here in the first place. I know adoption isn't for everyone and I want no one to suffer financially because of it or fertility treatments. I mean what in life can be MORE positive than having a child when you TRULY want one?? They change laws for those that don't want there children and keep having more all the time. Heck, those people get paid to have more.

So, finally I hope we get listened to tomorrow as I know those going are brave and want to be heard!!!

Adoption forums

2009-06-23T11:54:00.001-07:00

I'm frustrated.
I'm looking at adoption forums trying to get ideas from others who have adopted, but all there seem to be are imbittered biological parents trying to force the fact of what they gave up and how much pain they are in and what are their rights.

Well first off.. UM you gave up your child (hopefully in the child's best interest) you have no rights. My own biological mother tried to get my medical records from the hospital a few years ago and they wouldn't grant her access to them and she didint' understand why. Well, her rights were terminated by the state.

Next, I keep seeing the term "first mother" "First Parents'" YUCK!!! It's biological mother/parents. END OF STORY. I remember when I was little I referred to my biological mom as my real mom and my adopted mom was not a happy camper. She quickly said, "I'm your real mom." Very true. I see why she said that now.

Open Adoption can be a positive thing if clear rules are made. I don't want my child to have a step mother/father like relationship with their biological parents. However, I think they need to know the reality of their background so they are not disillusioned.

Counseling: I desperatly want the biological family to have counseling. I don't want her to go through her life wondering "what if?" The reason she'd give the baby up is so she and the baby would have a better life.

Anniversary

2009-06-21T09:52:00.000-07:00

Today is our Six year anniversary. Its also Father's Day and the First Day of Summer all in one!!! I chose this day to get married because its the longest day of the year. I also had a 12:45 wedding that FLEW by. Total Blur. Its been a long, eventful six years, but they have been great.

Why Don't You "JUST ADOPT?"""

2009-06-07T07:59:00.000-07:00

OK.. the above words are very painful and very loaded words. They basically say.. "get over how you feel and just get a non biological child." I have had this said to me numerous times. They can hurt deeply. HOWEVER, by no means does this mean I am anti-adoption!!! I'm so pro adoption its not even funny. I do want to experience pregnancy, childbirth and all that other stuff that many women do take for granted. I want my baby to have my husband's characteristics etc. I don't want to compete with other families to get a child. So, those who "just adopt" aren't just adopting they are saying, "Ok, this other route is not for us, our ultimate goal is to have a baby to love THE END." Its acceptance to the extreme. Some who are diagnosed with infertility go straight to adoption no questions asked. Others go through many treatments($$$ ) , have many heartaches and in the end find adoption is a great answer. Is either more right than the other? NO WAY!!! Each and EVERY situation is different. Their pain is different. Not greater or less, but different.

Those going through infertility have researched adoption (alot). Well, at least I have. I have learned a lot about it and I know I have more to learn. I have an advantage of not being as blind to it as I was adopted myself, but being on the recieving end of it all is different. It truly can be just as heartbreaking as infertility with many what ifs. So, if we chose adoption instead of fertility treatments it doesn't mean I don't want my own child. Its a route we would chosen and my husband and I have found answers to many questions.

1. How much does adoption cost?? Thats the $25,000 (cough cough) question. It depends how you adopt. If you adopt through the state it seems to be much cheaper as is going through a lawyer. Your best and safest bet is to go through an agency. It cost more, but the chances of the biological family backing out (my biggest fear) are less. By adopting through the state the parent's rights have been termenated already and that is not a fear. Having parent's rights terminated and SIGNED off is very important. I don't know if you remember the story of the little girl who was adopted at birth and at the age of 3 her "biological father" got her back because he didn't sign his rights away. I remember watching that story and crying. That would be a NIGHTMARE!!! There is also a nifty tax credit and some(not mine) jobs offer adoption assistance.

2. Domestic or International? Well, I use to say I'd adopt international, but as time has gone by and I've become more educated on the realities, so domestic may be the way we go.

3. But there are unwanted children EVERYWHERE why can't you just buy one??? Grumble Grumble. So much wrong with the above statement. WRONG, there are not unwanted children everywhere. There are parents who can't take care of their children everywhere, but they get them back eventually or they or older(this leads to my next question). Many times children are placed with family first(the state tries to do this) OR drumroll please........ they "just have an abortion!!!" Makes you want to scream doesn't it?? $500 dollars for an abortion vs helping a family have a child totally selfish. I would love to see the studies on the long term affects on the mother after abortion. Adoption totally and uterally selfless. Like Ronald Regan said "I've noticed all of those who are for abortion have already been born." LOVE IT!!!! Next, you don't BUY a child!!!! Yes, you pay money, but its for legal fees. You buy bread, not a child!!!

4. What age would you want a child? OH HOW I'D LOVE an infant!!!! However, an older child would be OK(2 or 3 maybe)

5. Would you adopt a child with special needs? While I greatly admire families that do ( I know some) I know it takes a lot of time etc and at this time I'm uncertain of that answer. I guess one advantage of having your own child is you know how the mother behaved during pregnancy and you know the background.

6. Would you adopt a child of another race? Oddly enough Tony is all for it, but I'm still on the fence on that one. I've seen people get very quick placements if they go this route and are very happy with no regrets. Its a great thing. I'd have to learn how to answer intrusive questions well and find other people who have gone this route for support.

7. Aren't you scared of ALL the paperwork?? Yes, if you didn't know you have to do a LOT of paper work for adoption, and you really put yourself out there. Nothing is hidden. Scary, yup. However, have you been to a fertility doc lately?? Your totally putting yourself out there too. Had an HSG??? More people see parts of your body than you would ever of hoped. So, I can hack it.

8. When would you adopt? Well, thats the luxury of adoption. I feel no rush at all. With fertility treatments I STRONGLY feel like "We dont' have much time." With adoption we have a good 10 years.

9. How much contact do you want your child to have with their biological family? I want my child to know the reality of their adoption. NO secrets. I want them to know their names, medical information etc. Giving up a child for adoption has to be the hardest decision you can ever make, so I can't forget the biological family. I saw one families website and what they did for the biological mom and I thought it was great. Its quite detailed, but I've saved the info for future reference. I know the mother doesn't want to be judged, but I know that she is making the most selfless decision for her child.

SOOOOOO many more things to go through, but as you can see there is no such thing as "just adopt."

cars

2009-06-03T13:21:00.000-07:00

My car had a blow out yesterday on a major highway!! It was so scary. I decided the best plan was to call the cops because of the location that I was at was so full of traffic. Well, I SHOULD of called Metro because they would of fixed my tire and not had my car towed like the cops did. Did you know if you call a police officer and they call a towing company to get your car the bill SKYROCKETS? I didn't!!! So, if you ever have anything happen on the side of the road like that. CALL your insurance, Metro or anyone else FIRST!!!

Summer

2009-05-31T16:34:00.000-07:00

I stuck to it!!! I'm not teaching Summer School or working on Curriculum this Summer. However, this Summer may be the one we need the money the most!! Tony's not working as much as in the past, but I guess we'll be OK. I just need my Summer.

WHY should I be happy for YOU???

2009-05-24T08:30:00.000-07:00

I woke up in the middle of the night worrying about my brothers upcoming wedding. While I'm

happy he's getting married again and is happy. I started worrying about their quick engagment and upcoming wedding. The wedding is June 13 and they probably got engaged about a month ago. So, what was I worried about? I was worried they will spring up an "announcement" at the end of the reception. "Oh by the way we are expecting." I was imagining my reaction which would be me walking out so I don't embarass the crap out of myself by crying or just throwing things. Heck I NEVER know how I'll react. Plus Tony(the one I cry to) won't be there and it'll make it sting worse.

This is a legitimate worry because it will be the first time I've met any of her family and they will from then on out see me as the bitch Sister in Law who walked out on her brother's wedding. Now, as MUCH as I love my brother he's not the most sympathetic of humans (in all honesty my family is a little lacking in that department) and I can see him saying, "shes a grown up she'll get over it." So, I called my mom and my mom said "I hope she announces that." WHAT???? Since when was she OK with one of us being pregnant before we got married?? I then told her to get him to give me a heads up if she's pregnant because I want to know before hand so I don't make a fool of myself and I can prepare myself emotionally.

I think others think I'm selfish, but I'm not at all. In all honesty I'm thinking of them because I don't want to ruin it for them. My mom tells me to be happy for others who are pregnant and I use to be (when we were FIRST trying), but I can't be. I finally said, "That's like telling a person who has cancer to be happy for all the healthy people." She laughs when I tell her I can't be happy and I won't be. Something I've learned is you can't tell people how to feel. It's difficult not to, but you can't. What they feel is what they feel. There are reasons behind it.

So, WHY should I be happy for those who get what I want easily?? I'm not talking about money here. In time I'd be O.K. with it I guess, but at first I'd be pretty upset.

While people say you can't compare your life to anyone else's in all honesty it's how I measure time. Example: This couple has had 3 children(one starting Kinder) in the same time we've been trying for one" or "this couple has been able to afford IVF(or their amazing insurance covers it) and got pregnant and are now on baby 2." I know many who have, met, gotten married, had two kids in the time we've been trying for one. It's painful and this is why Infertility is a whole different world and they have to try and seperate themselves from the "Fertile world." They can't POSSIBLY understand 100% what we're going through, and I don't need someone telling me to "be happy for someone else." It's been OUR turn for a long time it's not theirs.

Pouring salt in to a wound

2009-05-20T16:05:00.000-07:00

I'm very frustrated with the audacity of some people. My husband has an Ex (broke up in 2001) and she just had the AUDACITY and GUMPTION to e-mail me and tell me that one of her kids was his and he needs to step up instead of being a "dead beat dad." I honestly thought a dead beat dad was one who KNEW of their kids and then ran away, not one who had not a clue. However, this woman just poured salt in to a wound. ONE, the kid is not old enough to be his. TWO, it's not physically possible. THREE this is not the first time she has said this. I won't go in to why they broke up, but it's a mess too. I'm sickened and in awe that someone can say this. I'm sorry she can't afford to raise her child. I'm sorry the REAL father of her child is the deadbeat because technically it's IMPOSSIBLE for my husband to be the father and if he WAS he wouldn't be a deadbeat.. THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!!

We are just one of those "lucky" couples who have severe male feritlity and female infertility.

This just hurts so bad because this person (who I will not make any judgements about on this blog) does not know our situation and I will not give her the knowledge. She is throwing something in OUR face that she has (by another man) and claiming that my husband is a DeadBeat. HOW DARE HER??????? I'm so angry right now.

If I had a child I wouldn't use it as a pawn. I wouldn't tell a man or his WIFE of six years that the child is his as a downright LIE. That's just sick. Why do these kind of people have children so easily and not appreciate them? This is for certain in the "not fair" category of life.

Yeah I said it.. Sue me

2009-05-17T09:42:00.000-07:00

I follow message boards for infertility and normally they are a very productive place to vent. Everyone going through the same thing. I find it helpful to only talk to women in my age group because we can't get pregnant due to medical issues, NOT our age. There is difference. Now, if I wait too much longer to do IVF age will be a factor. Well, one woman who is about to turn 44 just went to the fertility doc for the first time(after getting off the pill at 38 thinking she had all the time in the world ) and was SHOCKED to find out she had basically run out of time. WHAT?? So, I commented and said, "I'm FLOORED that your suprised you can't get pregnant." HELLO???? I know women are having babies later.. blah blah blah, but what people don't realize is that is due to fertility treatments a lot of the time. Anyway, the comment didn't go over so well (suprise suprise) which I kind of figured it wouldn't. These women said that they didn't have the education about biological clocks back then(TOTAL B.S because my mom told me). I think they just thought it would "never happen to me." So, THIS is why I only talk to women my age. The older ones are bitter because they technically waited to long. THe younger ones are bitter because they followed the rules and it's not working. The two don't mix.

going forward

2009-05-04T17:55:00.000-07:00

OK. I"ve expressed my extreme frustration with the fact we just CAN'T go forward with fertility treatments( due to financial constraints). Well, we've decided to go natural!!! I know strange huh since we've beeen "going natural" for oh, six years. I don't mean no condom(TMI I KNOW.. but when it comes to this there is no such thing), I mean herbal. We are going to try supplements. Heck, I might even do accupuncture. WHY??? Well, I need to feel like I'm doing something. Will it work??? Who knows.
Of course I want it to work, and I've heard many stories about going herbal working. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, but what excites me is that I'm doing something.
This is all kinds of emotional, and not being able to fix this is like saying "OK, you have cancer, and we have the treatment that has a pretty good chance of working, but the older you get the less chance it will be effective, but you can't have it because you can't afford it."
Like I said earlier, infertility diagnosis is just as stressful as cancer. I can see how. So many unanswered questions and one step forward can just be as easy as one step back. Oh, I've made another promise to myself. I'm getting all the toxic people out of my life. It's tough, but if they aren't going to be supportive to me (all I need is a "I'm thinking about you) like saying "It's not a contest" or telling me how to run my life. I need them out for now. I need to be as positive as I'm able to be in what has been handed to me and I don't need ignorance to keep me down.
So, pray for me that this works:) Thanks!!!

Decision

2009-04-29T15:16:00.001-07:00

OK... With a migraine and all yesterday I made a decision.
I chose Third Grade. There are a few reasons. One being I will get to keep my classroom (just found out this afternoon I won't be moving rooms). Another reason is that I will be Looping ( moving back up to the Fourth Grade with the kids) so I will be teaching 4th Grade the next year again. So, it's a change, but not a huge change. First Grade would of been a huge change. This will be a good decision. I get along with the 3rd Grade team just fine and I like them all. No problems at all. In the end it will be a good choice.

Decisions

2009-04-27T15:14:00.000-07:00

OK.. I am the most UNDECISIVE human that ever walked the planet. Just ask my husband he'll tell you so. Apparently next year our 4th Grade team will have one too many teachers and they need to move one of us to either First Grade or 3rd Grade OR go to another school and teach a 4th Grade opening there(that would be a HECK NO!!) So, we have to decide by tomorrow who is going where. ACCKK!! We have like one day notice. HUH?? Well, one team member has been at our grade level for a year and doesn't want to move. I don't blame her, who would want to learn the ropes over again for another grade level? Another has 20 years experience and is going no where and the other doesn't really want to move, but if need be she would take First. So, that leaves yours truly. It basically looks like I will be teaching Third next year.
I'm playing with the idea of First as I have taught it before, but I'd really have to rechange my frame of mind to First Grade again. I love the cutsey stuff in First, but they sure are little. There is also SO much growth in First. As far as being rewarding there is no doubt First Grade is that.
Third is their first year of the TAKS, but I feel I'd be pretty successful with this as I know what they should know for the upcoming year. DECISIONS DECISIONS!!!
I love the teachers on both the First and Third Grade teams. They are great to work with and are great people in general, so that's not even in my decision.
I hate having one day to make a decision, but I guess in a way it's a good thing because I'd just stew on it for a week and make it more complicated if I didn't!!!!
I don't really want to leave my team as we work well together and are all pretty good friends, so that sucks too, but I don't really have a problem getting along with other people either. Anyway... I'll update with my decision later.

my job

2009-04-18T14:25:00.000-07:00

OK... I'll be the First to say.. "I LOVE MY JOB!!!!" and no I'm apoligizing for saying that either. I've heard a few people lately apologize fore loving their jobs. I don't understand this at all. Why suffer for 25-30 years of your life just to "tolerate" your job? I'm a teacher there is stress in all sorts of directions with that (ESPECIALLY right before TAKS and other situations).

I think the reason that people feel guilty for loving their jobs may be that we are raised seeing people dread going to work everyday. Remember Office Space??? Not all jobs are like that, and I certaintly wouldn't want a job that was in an itty bitty cubical. That's not for me, but someone wants that job and I hope they enjoy it because I don't think I could stand dreading going in to work everyday. It would be miserable.

Those who are miserable at work find your hardest to either find something good in it or get another one!!! Those who aren't your doing yourself a disservice by not admitting that you are happy at it.

sad/Easter... LONG:)

2009-04-12T18:25:00.000-07:00

Easter went pretty well. We went to my husband's families house and my nieces and nephews went Easter Egg Hunting. We did this all on Saturday due to conflicting schedules etc, but it went very well. Tony and I even RAN in the mornings and I'm not a runner. I'm glad we did though!!!
We also invited Tony's best friend and his wife to join in on the fun.

Well, of course they are pregnant, because right now it's just the cool thing to be apparently. Neeless to say, I found out about their pregnancy RIGHT after I found out about 3 others. So, I didn't handle it very well, I was very concerned about how I would behave. I warned my husband and my Mother In Law that if I walk out I just needed to get away, and if I was going to have a break down please just let me be. No ones seen me have a break down except my husband and I didn't think that was the time or the place for someone else to witness this lovely scene.

Now, the PLUS side to this situation is that she tried for three years to get pregnant, but she got pregnant taking the same meds I am(Eventhough she's taking the same meds our situations are much different) so she's not exactly unsympathetic and won't tell me "Its not a race." I KNEW that wasn't going to happen. She's 13 weeks and cautiously optimistic. When she got there it was awkward and I kept myself busy in the kitchen while Tony entertained them in the dining room. THANK YOU!!!!! EVERY bit of support I have from Tony just makes us stronger.

So, I went in to the dining room when I was ready. It's so strange, I have no clue how I am going to react until the very moment I am faced with another pregnant person. I just know no matter what I didn't want to make them feel guilty. If that is possible. So, we sat down to eat and there was no discussion of the pregnancy. This is one of those lose lose situations really because OF course they are happy and want to talk about it, but given our situation they were kind enough not to rub it in.

I was relieved to realize I wasn't angry I just found myself extremely sad. I sat there during and after lunch in complete silence (which is NOT normal for me) and just thought about how lucky she got. (Even when my Sister -In-Law talked about how all these people in her family are pregnant I didn't flinch, however my pregnant friend looked at me I think expecting me to break down. I just hyperfocused on the trees outside.) She went through this and WON!!! She won't have to spend all the money she anticipated on spending on IVF!!! So, I was sad for me. What if that's NEVER me??? I honestly don't know if I can emotionally bear that. I really don't. I found myself wanting to ask her questions and finally did because I was curious. I know she was waiting for me to bring it up or not, kinda put the ball in my court. I slowly asked her how her family reacted and how she's feeling. She's not forgetting the struggle that got her there.

Who knows what will happen in the future with them, but Tony said I was awesome!!! Big sigh of relief. I of course do wish them the best and NEVER hope for bad things out of jealousy. EVER heard of Karma????

validation of STRESS..

2009-04-04T18:54:00.000-07:00

WELL... Here's proof I'm NOT going insane.. WHEW.... THIS EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.
Below is an excerpt from research done with inferility.............Here's an excerpt:

How does infertility cause stress ????

Infertility Causing StressResearch has shown that women undergoing treatment for infertility have a similar, and often higher, level of "stress" as women dealing with life-threatening illnesses such as cancer and heart disease. Infertile couples experience chronic ( long-term) stress each month, first hoping that they will conceive and then dealing with the disappointment if they do not.It is helpful to differentiate between external stress and internal stress; as well as stressors you can control and those which you cannot. Internal stress arises when you are not able to achieve the goals you set yourself while external stress is created by relatives, friends, and work pressures. Some stressors you can do nothing about – for example, the frustration you feel when your period starts. However, there are many others which you can control. As an example, many patients get upset when they are forced to wait in the doctor’s clinic. Waiting can be stressful, so do carry a book to read – while you cannot control the stressor, you can modify your response to it, and this helps to decrease your distress.Why is infertility stressful ?Why

Infertility is Stressful

When diagnosed with infertility, many couples feel helpless and no longer in control of their bodies or their life plan. Infertility can be a major crisis because the important life goal of parenthood is threatened. Most couples are accustomed to planning their lives and experience has shown them that if they work hard at something, they can achieve it. With infertility, this may not be the case!However, not all stress faced by infertile couples is emotional or psychological - infertility treatment can be physically stressful as well! Blood tests; injections; hysterosalpingograms, inseminations and surgery can be painful, awkward, and embarrassing.There is considerable financial stress too and this is especially acute for poor patients. Infertility treatment is expensive, and this represents a major hurdle. Many patients drop out of treatment because they cannot afford it, and this can be very hard to come to terms with, especially when they know they could have got pregnant, if only they could have afforded the treatment.

I Feel like mouse on a sticky trap

2009-04-02T21:13:00.000-07:00

Six years and we aren't any further. OMG.. SERIOUSLY!!! Truly, life's ultimate cruel joke. I know how these women in the bible felt when they couldn't become pregnant. FORGOTTEN!!!Some societies rule you as an outcast. While in America that doesn't happen as bad as other countries. There still is an ignorance toward infertility that I wish would go away. It's not chosen and I'm not uneducated and I gurantee you this had made me more Pro-Life than I ever thought I'd be. To say this has changed me and my outlook on life is an understatement. It's left me with unanswered questions.... WHY does an abortion cost $500 and IVF $10,000 per try not including drugs? Shouldn't it be the OTHER way around??? WHY does the government reward women who can have babies and can't afford to raise them with welfare checks and they don't pay a DIME in taxes because of their decuctions? WHY are infertiles well educated women AND men?? WHY can't people realize infertility is a disease and NOT a lifestyle choice(it has recently been declared a disability!!!) WHY can't insurance cover SOOO much more for so many who deserve it?? How can people be so cruel at times and shock the living daylights out of me??

Right now, and honestly in what seems like it's been forever I'm in total limbo. Not being able to go forward with having a family is like being stuck hense the title. I think with time it gets worse. I'd thought it'd get better, but the feelings change. I become more rushed, scared, imbittered and beaten down JUST because I can't SOLVE my problem. I've become someone I've never thought I'd be. I can go to the doctor a zillion times and get results and can do NOTHING about it. It's not like the possible result to our problem isn't there. It is, we just can't afford it. That alone kills me, and if we could afford it that doesn't gurantee it to work. This STILL doesn't keep me from wanting to go ahead with it. If I'd had this much determination in high school I'd of been Valedictorian!!! SO many unkowns!!!!

Those who don't have to endure any infertility treatments lack a certain understanding. While they can never truly understand, and I'm not evil enough to wish this on someone. It's a Handle With Care Situation." It's truly all encompassing. Every aspect of your life is controlled just for hope. Emotionally, I'm so erratic. Some days I'm O.K. others I'm a mess inside. Physically, I've found something I can control, so I've started working out and have lost weight. I've become my own psychologist and figured out pretty quickly I've done this because THIS I CAN control and since I wasn't getting pregnant and I felt like my body was controlling me I took over and had to control it. What I've noticed is I've never seen someone become an alcoholic over this, and infertility is the perfect formula for it if you ask me. However, us infertiles tend to treat our bodies pretty good and have been taking Pre-Natals for eons, drink very little and we DON'T smoke. We are prepared, let me tell ya!! We are the POSTER children on what you SHOULD DO!!!!

Financially.. that's a joke. We had a new insurance meeting the other day. Premiums went up. Did my insurance get BETTER?? Of course not. NO IVF coverage. However, they can diagnose it. Makes no sense if you ask me.

I remember the days before I even considered having children ,probably in high school I would see women on TV who had like 6 children at a time due to fertility treatments and I'd think "If they had faith they wouldn't need fertility treatments." GEEEEE... that was so ignorant!!! I'd see these women or hear stories and would think "That won't be me, I might have problems getting pregnant, but I won't need fertility treatments." YUP, I KNOW this is everyone's fear and when someone gets pregnant on their own they have to feel relief that "at least it's not me." I know I would feel this way if this was me, and I have in the past when I'd hear those stories. Just hearing those stories stressed me out. So, NEVER say "I'd never have fertility treatments." because you don't have ONE IOTA of a clue what you really would do when actually faced head on face to face with it. Many a couple has said that and has had to eat their words. It's very humbling to say the least.

We aren't any further than the day we were diagnosed, like a mouse on a stick trap. We are a complicated case. Still, though, I know what my end goal is. That's what keeps me going.

trick

2009-03-21T07:45:00.000-07:00

Ok.. Maybe TMI , but I have OFFICIALLY found the trick to getting a late period to start. Just either take a pee test and your period will start the next day or just buy them in prepreation to take the next morning and BAM. I'd say this is about 90% effective because in the past I have taken pee tests only to have it to start the next week.
I was going good for over a year I was "on time." This is good for many reasons the main two are I was probably ovulating(yup wasted months) AND no getting hopes up. It was tough, but still no false hope.
I know after this long I shouldn't even get my hopes up, but when your body tricks you you start to think "well maybe" and break down and buy a pee test sometimes. Other times you just think "great whats wrong now??" and don't buy anything because you don't need another reminder. Other times I just get frustrated because I'd rather have it arrive on time than trick me. NOT COOL!!!Frustrating is a small adjective to describe this.
I have rules though. It CAN'T be a digital test. I don't need to see "Not Pregnant" in words and Tony has to be there. I learned this one the hard way. I use to take them without him there so that I could "surprise" him just in case. Each time I'd end up in tears. So he now has to be there. I have this cute little plan all hatched out that I won't be able to use (such a waste of imagination) I won't give away the details, but maybe one day I can HOPEFULLY "semi" use it. Also, the Pregnancy test can not cost over 6 bucks. Luckily, we found Target has 2 for $6.00. Having Tony there has proved to be great because we can talk about it more and get emotions out. I dont normally get my hopes up too much, and think Proctor and Gamble owe me some massive money by now.
Any aspect in dealing with all of this just sucks. The not being able to go forward sucks. We can't put our lives on hold right now. I don't have all the time in the world. I know 30 isn't old by any means, and women have babies late in their 30s "these days" but with PCOS your ovaries don't work right and your eggs have a tendency to well... suck. Basically, time is not really on my side.

Random thoughts about Economy

2009-03-15T07:21:00.000-07:00

Random thoughts about this CRUDDY economy.. I have no solutions, but have an inkling to our "REAL" problem.

This morning at the gym the 3 TVs were on 3 different channels. EACH of them on the Sunday morning news and EACH of them talking about the dreadful economy. One was interviewing a single mother who had lost her job and had to resort to dancing at clubs to pay the bills, another was a different family in the same situation, the last was just a report on the sales decreases. ALL were depressing and showed dreadful outlooks. They even had a poll that had asked Americans how long they think this bad economy will last. Now, while I feel it's important that we are financially aware I personally like to relax on my Sunday mornings. Sunday USE to be a day with the family to reflect. Instead its so dreadful just to turn on the T.V!!!!

Why can't we as individuals and businesses follow Dave Ramesy's advice??? If you don't have it DON'T spend it!! Save!!! My father has followed this all his life. Much of what Dave Ramsey says sounds like my own dad. We never had much and what we did have was mainly given to us at Christmas or our Birthdays. I now know my parents saved up pretty much all year long and our Christmases were GREAT!!! If we ever "begged" for anything my mom would say "ask Santa" and if we KEPT begging we got "the look" from mom. Those "things" were not our right.
To this day I don't understand when people say "I want to give my kids the things I didn't have."" Well, what was it YOU felt you were without?? The newest, most expensive video game? The coolest clothes?? WHAT?? What kids WANT and NEED is security and love. They are so bombarded with "stuff," even more than we were, and it's ALL expensive!!! I remember being a foster child living with the couple before my parents adopted me (even though I was around 3 or 4) and all I wanted was a stable family. The more "stuff" you give a kid the more they want. So, that could be huge part of our problem.

Another, is these HUGE bonuses. HELLO.. I'm a teacher, "Supposedly" the MOST important profession and I've never really received one. AIG is giving out like 198 MILLION in bonuses!!! WHAT IS THAT?? I know their base salaries are far higher than mine for certain. What do they base their bonuses on? They talk about "teacher accountability" endlessly and how would we determine if they deserve a bonus. Well, these people just show up to work and get a bonus. It's a catch 22. People will complain endlessly if I get a mere few thousand in bonuses, but really they say little about business people. Can't the fact that I put up with stupid people telling me how I "should" do my job earn me a bonus???

I think our economy shakes up every once in a while for us to get back to our "roots" work hard, and SAVE.

Time

2009-03-08T18:43:00.001-07:00

Tony and I have been trying to get pregnant going on SIX years. HOWEVER, we have not been able to go on to the next step of our lives due to one thing.. MONEY. It's not the fact we don't have the money to raise a child. WE DO!! We don't have the money to get pregnant with one. It's SO frustrating!!! I can't even write in to words how frustrating it is. I'm seeing my friends get married, have children and all the things that go along with it. It seems once one round of people get pregnant and have kids another round starts. It goes in cycles almost every nine months. I lose my friends!!! My mom says this is just something that happens, and I guess it does, but it's NOT something I chose. Now, if I wanted my life without children that would be different. I'm now seeing people who have gone through the same thing I have trying to get pregnant and they were able to do this because they were finacially blessed or their insurance company covered it. I wanted a baby at 23 because I knew it might be difficult, but never did I imagine this. NEVER. I wanted two children by 30. I don't want age to be a factor either. The "just adopt" thing is B.S. because I want to experience pregnancy and everything that goes with it, but for now I just have to listen to other people's pregnancy announcements as they pop up almost daily on Facebook or MySpace. I just feel really ripped off by life right now.

Peace

2009-02-12T18:04:00.000-08:00

I saw this and thought it went well with what we are discussing at school.....

"Be at Peace," by Saint Francis de Sales

Do not look forward in fear to the changes in life;

rather, look to them with full hope that as they arise,
God will lead you safely through all things;
and when you cannot stand it,
God will carry you in His Arms.
Do not fear what may happen tomorrow;
the same understanding Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and every day.
He will either shield you from suffering or will give you the unfailing strength to bear it.
Be at peace then, and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations.

0

funny

2009-02-04T16:46:00.000-08:00

"What does not kill me does not make me stronger. It makes me anxious, bitchy, and vulnerable...but nobody wants to see that embroidered on a pillow."

I thought this was HILARIOUS!!!!!!

jealousy

2009-01-31T13:20:00.000-08:00

Whenever I hear of another pregnancy announcement I'll be the first to admit I tend to get jealous/angry depending on who it's coming from, but for the FIRST time in a long time I heard one and I actually thought "Good for her!!"
Yeah, I even shocked myself!!! Now, it was Elizabeth Hasselbeck(who I can only take in itty bitty doses before wanting to drive a nail in my eye), but I know she struggled getting pregnant with baby number 1 and I'm not certain about 2 and three. When I mean struggled I believe she had to do IVF. I get sympathetic when people have to do IUI's or IVF not so much just Clomid. I guess it's because by the time you've reached IUI or IVF you've been through an emotional tornado.
I don't know if I was happy because I tend to be happier for those who struggle or go through a hard time than for those who BAM all of a sudden get knocked up, or if this will be an on going trend. Maybe I will actually start being happy for pregnant people. HMM I hope so. No one wants to get upset when other people have something good happen.
It could be the mood I was in that day as well. We shall see!!! I do know though when I start IVF I will such a lovely bitch(some people aren't, but I know me I'll bloat up and be a crabby ass) that these "announcements" won't make me a happy camper, but I hope until then I can be happy for all of those that get pregnant around me. I really truly want to be. I use to be. I always loved a great baby shower in the past.
Though a part of me will always be quite a bit happier for those who have suffered or struggled. It just comes with the territory.

misconeptions

2009-01-29T12:38:00.000-08:00

Yes, some woman gave birth to octuplets , all of which appear to be fine, born at 30 weeks. I normally don't like to contribute to the hysteria surrounding these types of stories However, I realize that mandy people have not gone through infertility and are not familiar with the NORMAL course of fertility treatment, so I felt a duty to address it in the hopes that I can clear up even one person's misconceptions.

This is NOT normal. Despite the comments you read in any article on this story, this is NOT what happens when people "ignore god's will" and insist on undergoing risky fertility treatment rather than "just adopt". The reason this is in the news is because it is an anomaly. It is also the nightmare of any decent RE or patient.

Furthermore, this is VERY unlikely the result of IVF. I got angry when one of the stupid idiots on View referred to how the mother should have known that her "in vitro" would result in 8 babies. Women undergoing IVF rarely have more than twins. Most REs transfer 2 embryos in an in vitro cycle, occasionally 3 or 4 if the woman is (a) of significantly advanced maternal age, (b) has multiple failed cycles and/or (c) has very low quality embryos. I've never seen on my boards any more than 4 transferred, and have never seen anyone pregnant with more than triplets, and even the triplets are few and far between - in an anecdotal guess I would say fewer than 5%. This is not to say that it doesn't happen, and that doctors don't transfer more, but the standard of care in fertility treatment is to transfer about 2 absent extenuating circumstances. IVF'ers do not have 7 or 8 babies.

What could cause an octuplet pregnancy is probably ovarian hyperstimulation with injectable meds, followed by intrauterine insemination (IUI). However, MOST REs will cancel an IUI cycle if the patient shows more than 3 mature follicles, for the very reason of avoiding high order multiples. Most REs also recommend selective reduction for more than 3, and counsel patients before going forward with an IUI that this is a possible recommendation with more than 2-3 follicles, and the patient has the option to cancel if they are not comfortable with Selective Reduction.

Moral of the story? This is not a typical result of fertility treatment, it is likely due to someone's irresponsibility, either a doctor, the patient (sometimes when counseled against going forward with an IUI due to too many follicles, couples will still have sex in hopes of getting pregnant anyways), or both. I was grateful to see this was the angle on the story some papers took, rather than the sensationalist. Please don't mention the octuplets to someone you know going through fertility treatment and ask if this will be them (same goes for Jon and Kate plus 8).

So, please don't make cruel comments to those who are struggling to get pregnant. Even a "You might have 8 children at one time" or "This is what happens when you play God." is cruel and thoughtless.

I know that I'm lucky that my friends and family are more sensitive and understand that my children will not be science experiments or sources of topical levity, regardless of their method of conception. If more people knew the truth about fertility treatment, maybe others wouldn't be subjected to such cruelty either.

Summer

2009-01-25T16:45:00.000-08:00

OK...

Why am I thinking of Summer in January??? Well.. I am, because it's about this time (well, give them a few weeks) they start asking what we will be doing this Summer. Well... I need my "me" time. This time makes me a better teacher. There is a reason for Summer and it's NOT for the kiddos!!!
Since I have worked in my school district I have made different plans each Summer. The Summer of 06 I worked on Curriculum this gave me like 5-6 weeks off for the Summer. The next summer I attended like 2 or 3 workshops and that was it. I pretty much got my whole summer off that Summer. Last Summer I worked on Curriculum again making tests, going to workshops and subbing for Summer School. WHEW!!!! I have unoffically (because I tend to change my mind often) have decided NO MORE!!! I WILL HAVE a SUMMER!!!! Now, with that said I may sub a Summer School class or so (teacher's don't miss Summer School as they are paid on a daily basis), but I need the break.
I need the money too, but the break will for certain be needed. So. as of now I will be having a real summer with school over for me on June the 6th so I can come back in August ready and excited and not dreading the begininng of the year. This, I feel makes me a better and happier teacher. Fellow teachers would agree for certain.

Fireman

2009-01-19T16:16:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow Tony starts the Fire Academy!!! He is so excited. He has been "shot up"(taken all his shots) and we've got him new school stuff. Hey you can't start school without GREAT school supplies!!!! I'm super proud of him. We've been putting off going to school for a while due to other things and have decided it's now or never. It's exciting and scary all at the same time.
He will be done early this Summer so that is great. So please pray that he has a great and productive time in school!!!!

warning... Random:)

2009-01-10T18:48:00.000-08:00

Pain is a funny emotion. It has the ability to tear families apart or bring them together. Some have opinions on how you should deal with it. It's also forever changing. We spend our time comparing our pain to others. Does this person feel the same I feel? Is it worse than mine? Did I cry enough? Why can't I cry? We spend our lives avoiding it and seeking healing from it(therapist make big bucks for a reason).

How do we measure emotional pain? Do you get one of these smiley chart face thingys from the doctor with faces and numbers 1-10 and the faces gradually become worse and say "it hurts this much?"

I've often wondered how can two people go through a painful event and one become stronger in their faith and another a life long alcoholic.Is thaere a fork in the road as you go through the process and you choose A) Alcoholic B) God? I mean why do some people go thorough life seemingly with little pain and others have life thrown at them at every direction? We are told "Your reward is in heaven." So when you get to heaven is there a place for those who have suffered and those who haven't? Does God say "You suffered, so you get this mansion and you didn't go through anything so you get this house."

Some people take their pain and make it positive, others make it a negative.

I know there really aren't answers to these questions, but it's something I've been thinking about.

gym

2009-01-06T17:13:00.000-08:00

OK... get ready for TMI, but today I was SO freakin bloated I knew I HAD to go to the gym. I wasn't as good to my body this holiday as I was last year. HELLO... some times you have to have pecan pie and I hadn't had it in a year and half!!! So, I left school, went home, got dressed quickly, got back in my little car and hauled butt to the gym by 5:30 and BARELY made it for my Spin Class. Now, this class is so intense most people who start for the first time walk out after the first few minutes,so it's never really a packed class. Most people just watch through the window and shake their heads probably thinking "those people are insane."
Now, there is generally about 9-10 people who attend this class, but NOT TODAY!! There was 24 people and I got the last bike, RIGHT in the front row(I HATE the front row). New Year's Resolutions at their best I guess. Not certain if I would start my first workout as the Spinning Class due to the fact it is so intense that I'd get frustrated and say "forget this workout shit, I'm going to Popeyes."
People were waiting in line to sign up for the new year. This same trend happened last year as well. By March, many had stopped showing up, but there are some who have continued and have had great success since last January. If you start to work out for the first time in a long time I strongly suggest you start with a nice little "Beginners Step class" because if you don't you'll die in the Spinning class. Build up your endurance, then when you feel ready try the Spin Class again. IT'S SOOO worth it!!!!

My thoughts for the New Year!!!

2009-01-04T17:21:00.000-08:00

I'm hoping that 2009 is a MUCH better year than 08'. I'm sorry, but this past year just sucked. It was a blah year. I know many people who think so. Reasons below:
1) Global reasons... none of the news is good economically. It's just painful for everyone. NO one likes to feel unstable. Ike too took a toll on many people financially and emotionally. Many are still dealing with the aftermath. Thus, they are probably telling 2008 to kiss their ass.
2)Personal reasons... No baby for the Grahams(duh), we are still renting(this is by choice somewhat), turning 29(it stings) because I plan on being this age for 5 years:)
3)Health... My grandpa had a small stroke. Thankfully, he is doing well, but he's 90 and that was SO tough for him to go through and you know old men. They are stubborn!!!
NOW for 2009....
Good things
1) Tony is going to the Fire Academy this Spring. I'm normally very apprehensive, but this is something HE wants to do, and you know men. Once they get their minds set on something. He'll have his FF license by June and EMT by July. We'll be broke, but he will be working part time. We'll adjust. We always do.
2) HOPEFULLY we can start putting some massive money away for IVF. The toll will be around $20,000.(I know you think "she's crazy, that's how much my car cost I'd NEVER do that... well I've said those words before, and as my mom would say "famous last words." yeah, well I have no choice) I'm thinking of doing a program where you can have 3 rounds for a set price and then get 75% back if you don't have a live baby. Sad huh?? I mean your SUPPOSE to do this pregnancy thing for free!! Which brings me to a thought I had today while making supper.
Of course I know most people get pregnant by having sex. You know, what they teach you in school, but I seriously forgot that's how its suppose to happen. I mean I pass a couple with a kid and I wonder if they had to have fertility drugs or if it was "easy for them." Crazy huh? I'm certain in most cases it was easy. I guess I've gotten use to the idea of the route we will have to go.
3) We have found a church!! We found a good Methodist Church in Deer Park and we like the preacher.
I hope everything works out for everyone this year and its MUCH better than 08 was!!!

new years 09

2009-01-01T07:03:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!!!!

We had a great New Year's Eve at an ex co-workers house. They were very hospitable and cooked some GREAT food!!!! I, of course made some resolutions, but am NOT sharing. To me, it's like a B-Day wish when you blow out the candles... you can't share it, it's bad luck!!!! I'm posting pics below

Christmas

2008-12-29T14:57:00.000-08:00

Tony and I had spent the previous weekend with my parents and then we had to come back home because Tony had to work the day after Christmas. Fun huh? We did have a great Christmas with my family. Christmas day was great too. We've never had X-Mas day with just us and I think to keep from getting to emotional about it we planned things to do weeks in advance. We decided to have a gift opening with just each other and the pets (who also have a Christmas birthday), watch a movie and go out to eat. The going out to eat was the hardest part because, well everything is closed. I have decided next year if we stay I am COOKING!!!! We saw Marley and Me and CRIED!!! All in all Christmas was good.

How I feel.

2008-12-22T16:38:00.000-08:00

This basically says how I feel about fertility. With my close friends I'm an open book. However, as time goes on for me it's getting more uncomfortable to talk about fertility. The mere question of "do you have children?" HURTS. It makes me feel empty and alone. I can't tell you why because I know others who have lost more, but its just how I feel. Maybe its because I'm getting closer to 30 or maybe its because everyone seems to have their own theories on what I SHOULD do with my own body (ESPECIALLY my family.) I hate to say it, but my friends have been so much better. I have good moments, days and bad moments, and days. I just came back from my families for Christmas and this is the first Christmas that has been officially "difficult" for me. I was sitting next to my mom a yesterday and someone she knew asked "How many Grandchildren do you have?" and the woman glanced at me and I looked down so I didn't have to face her. I do thank my mom that she doesn't tell everyone, however I wish she would clue in the rest of the family a little more, but I don't think she, herself understands.

There are categories below of infertility and I categorize myself as a longer term/highly involved infertile(kinda sounds like a something from Harry Potter). I do feel the only thing that would get me past this would be going through fertility treatments that my lovely insurance company fails to pay for (another issue I have.. I'm FULL of issues) With this being said,I do thank God that he made someone smart enough to come up with IVF. I don't know what women did before this. I know some adopted(after MANY MANY years of pain and helplessness), but they were not allowed to talk about it and that's kinda how my family views it and I might chose that one day, but for now it's not what I want. It's one of those "THANK GOD that's not me" things. Below is something I stole from someone.. I thought it said my feelings pretty well!!!! Yup, this makes me emotionally High Maintenance, but it comes with the territory.

Firstly, I have to say that this being a Good Friend to an Infertile is not an easy job at all. It is a job with fluid parameters, a thankless job sometimes and one where it might appear that no matter how hard you try, you never seem to get it right.
There are times when you will be extremely busy and the job is very demanding.
There are other times where you will benched, forced to sit on the outside looking in.
There is not often any logic in this change of demand.
Be aware of the volatility of work pressure when applying for this job.
It is not a decision to be taken lightly.
Secondly, there is not a universal job description, and worst of all, your job duties will change over time.
There is not a universal job description because Infertiles come in different flavors. True, one can categorize these flavors to some extent, but variations will always exist.
Your eternal optimist / newbie / completely uninvolved infertile doesn’t need too much in the way of special friendship; they believe the problem is temporary and will get resolved soon. They don’t feel broken, different or an outcast.
THis is SO me.....Your longer term / highly involved infertile is a very tricky beast, and is one to be handled with great caution and protective gloves (for you, not her). This person feels alienated from society and carries great pain and angst in their souls. They might not show it all the time, but there is a very sensitive, raw spot in their souls that is easily bruised.
This is where I LONG to be.........Then you get the older timers, who’ve been doing this so long it just becomes part of who they are. These infertiles have gone through the great angst and intense pain of the ‘dark years’ and have come out realizing that while infertility is shit, it is not all consuming. And instead of crying, they laugh. Because infertility is actually a comedy of errors, sometimes.

Infertiles tend to move through these stages at different pace. Which makes it very hard being a Good Friend to an Infertile, because the type of friendship involved is so different at each stage. It is very very hard being a Good Friend to someone stuck in the dark stage of infertility. It is a very painful place for an infertile to be. There is no hope, just a great deep dark sense of despair. You feel totally alienated from the rest of the world and you are consumed by your situation. Every thing hurts, and every thing has the power to hurt you. Your world shrinks to the world of infertility and you fight tooth and nail to protect the fragile hold you have on sanity. The best advice I can give to a Good Friend at this stage is to offer friendship and support, from a distance. Say things like “I am here for you if you want to talk, or not talk, or drink, or swear, or shop. But if you don’t want to that’s perfectly ok. I’ll be here waiting for you when YOU are ready to come out the cave”.

If you can bare it, hang in there, your friendship should return to some semblance of its previous form once your Infertile has worked her way through her dark despair.
It has nothing to do with you or you ability to friend, it has every thing to do with her coping with the horrible reality of her situation.Being a Good Friend to the eternal optimist or the good-humored veteran is a lot easier, with these few survival tips

.1. Good Friends never judge. Remember that unless you’ve walked in the person’s shoes, you can’t say “well I would never….do IVF/terminate a pg/spend so much money on ART etc” To be honest, who likes judgmental people any way.

2. Good Friends will educate themselves about what their Infertile is going through. HUGE proviso: see point 3 before putting any thing into action. Read up about infertility so that you get a high-level understanding of the intricacies involved. Know little things like eggs are retrieved, then fertilized and they become embryos. Then the embryos are put back. Just small things so that when your infertile does share some of her world with you, you will understand. I think this shows commitment to the friendship.

3. However. Do not willy nilly offer advice,(this one I am guilty of myself.. OOPS.) or hot off the press latest research about a fantastic new procedure that is sure to work. Remember the stuff they write about in your local woman’s magazine is stuff that your Infertile did in Infertility 101. Been there, failed that. ICSI is not a new procedure, I promise. And yes, we have heard of taking cough syrup to increase cervical mucous. Oh, and for my Aunt, yes I have heard of lying with my legs in the air after having sex. Unfortunately, I have PCO and don’t ovulate so I could be lying with my legs in the air doing bicycle movements till the cows come home and all the sperm are going to do is mill around confused asking where the fuck the egg is, bemoaning the fact that this has been a useless trip out. Which goes back to Point 2. Educate yourself about your friend’s diagnosis so that you can avoid offering pointless advice. And please, what ever you do, never, ever be so stupid as to say “just relax”. Would you say to a cancer patient “just relax”? Would you say to someone who can’t see “just relax”? Of course you wouldn’t. Plus you have to know that “just relaxing” will not change the medical diagnosis that is causing your friends infertility. Because of course you’ve done enough reading to carry on an intelligent conversation, if your Infertile decides to engage you in one.

4. Platitudes. Never ever offer platitudes. This is a totally selfish act any way because all platitudes do is make you feel better and the Infertile feel worse. Saying “maybe you are not meant to have children” is an incredibly stupid thing to say. You wouldn’t say to a diabetic “maybe you weren’t meant to have insulin etc”. Infertility is a medical condition. Not some factor in the universe’s bigger plan for the Infertile. Similar to “its God will”. How the fuck do you know? You have a direct connection or what? How about “are you sure you want kids?” lovingly looking at your own screaming kids. No dear, I am spending thousands and enduring physical, emotional and mental anguish just because I am obscenely stupid. Or “you can have mine”. Now that’s an incredibly stupid thing to say. What kind of mother are you to give her kids away? Oh you were only joking? What was the funny part? That I don’t have my own kids? Sorry, but I am not getting the joke? Call me stupid. In addition, please don’t tell me about your friend/cousin/co-worker who got pg naturally after 8 years of trying. It doesn’t make me feel better, it depresses me. Good for her. It’s got nothing to do with my situation.

5. The tricky one. Announcing pregnancies / baby showers / births and other kid things. The best advice I can give here is trust the Infertile to know what she can or can’t handle. Don’t hide things from her, but respect it when she says to you “I don’t think I am going to be able to handle that”. Your Infertile knows when her good days and bad days are, and what she can or can’t handle. But do invite her, give her the choice of saying no. And then respect her to know that sometimes she needs to protect her own fragile soul more than she needs to fulfill social obligations.

6. The level of involvement. Infertiles differ in the level of involvement they engage their Good Friends in. Some, like me, are pretty open about the whole thing. . Other people prefer to keep their infertility private. Find out what your Infertile prefers and operate at the level she feels comfortable with.

7. Which brings to me to my final point. If you don’t know how to act, ask. I love that my friends ask me how I want them to act around me. I have great friends.There have been many articles written on the web about what to say and not to say to an Infertile, how the family should act etc. I wont go into those. If you are a Good Friend you will have done a little surfing and read those things anyway. Besides, this post is already way too long.

To end off, if you decide to accept the job of Good Friend to an Infertile, I applaud you. Because it is not an easy job. It really isn’t. As I have said, it’s a pretty thankless job and one in which your job description is so fluid that what is required today is wrong tomorrow

. I thank those of my Good Friends who have stuck around so long with me. I know it hasn’t been easy. I appreciate your friendship, I really do.

Turkey Day!!!

2008-12-02T18:33:00.000-08:00

We went to Tony's family for Thanksgiving and had a great time. It was small, but nice. We did Black Friday shopping. No Chaos, just lines. Here are pics of our holiday including our new pet kitten "Bella."

This is Tyson and I STUFFED after Thanksgiving Dinner!!!

Bella is the grey kitten on the top. Her brother is below her(this kitten will go to my sister) and ET is the one with his mouth open. He has 7 toes thus "ET" Extra Toe.

AWWW... Emma thinks she is a person.

Thanksgiving

2008-11-21T19:28:00.000-08:00

I truly LOVE Thanksgiving. I know I'm blessed with a great family and friends. One tradition my father does each year is he makes us go around the table and say what we are thankful for. I won't see my family this year so I'm gonna put them on here in no particular order:) .... My two puppies. They bring us joy and laughter daily!!!!
My Husband... he puts up with me!!!

My neices... they are great kids. Smart, sweet and strong. Don't you love the faces they are making????

My mom and dad... See, PROOF after 40 years they still communicate!!!!! They are pretty great people. My mom is super selfless and my dad is a great role model to live by. He's honest, faithful, funny and a true dad. My mom would die if sshe knew I put her on here.

Others..

Jennifer... she's super smart.

My college friends... Truly life long friends, who were there when I needed them and continue to be as life goes on. Too bad I don't have my college pics online, but I'll probably post more later.

My Co- Workers... They are fun and brilliant people. Each has a strength they bring to our team and the put up with my flakiness. I seriously would lose my head if it wasn't attatched!!!!

There are many things I have to be thankful for. I hope everyone has a restful Thanksgiving.

Sad events

2008-11-18T17:57:00.000-08:00

A really good friend (coworker) of mine was due to have a baby boy on December 9,2008. Now, seeing people who are pregnant, have little babies and any of the sort is tough on me. I stay out of the process of Baby Showers etc. Its painful. Monday the 10th of November she went in to the hospital due to high blood pressure and Tuesday we were informed something was wrong with the baby. She had to have an emergency C-Section. Of course, we ALL were VERY concerned, but the report was he was breathing on his own and beautiful a 6lb 3 ounce boy. After hearing no further reports, we felt like the baby would be O.K. Well, Friday morning I get in to work and find out that the baby had died the previous night.HOW AWFUL!!! I wish this on no one. I wanted to immediatly see her, but was unable due to the fact no one could cover my classroom. My friend is holding up well as far as I can tell, but she has very strong faith and a great family support. Since this has happened its made me realize two things. One, I was being selfish in not attending the events she wanted me to attend, even though I did send gifts. I regret this. Infertility is tough, and those things are harsh reminders, but now knowing what I know I'd have gone in a heartbeat. This event also made me realize much about other people and how its not all about me. We all have our own personal struggles. I think I was hard and angry and thats not me. So, keep my friend and family in your prayers.

Beginning of the year

2008-09-08T17:00:00.000-07:00

I've had a great three weeks with my kiddos. I'm learning all I can about each of them and I really enjoy them. I teach Fourth Grade and they start out so sweet, but at the end of the year end up Fifth Graders!!! We all know that means DRAMA!!! I try to keep a Drama Free classroom. This crew is different from mine last year. They are MUCH more quiet, which suprises me considering I have TEN GIRLS!!!!! FOUR BOYS!!!!! WOW!!! I do have some quiet girls though. They balance each other out well. I TOTALLY love my job!!! I have great support and work with some great people!! What more can a girl ask for???? The kids all know the procedures really well and follow them. This is, of course, a good thing.
My hubby and I are doing great and right now are watching Hurricane Ike. Kinda hoping for a Galveston hit so we can evacuate!!!!! We are on the right side of Houston to evacuate it would be exciting!!!

First Blog

2008-08-24T09:40:00.000-07:00

I am going to be posting blogs hopefully often... ha ha. Anyway, my husband and I live outside of Houston and I teach in this area as well. Right now, I'm pretty stressed with school starting. More to come when I feel like it.