Dreams

I don't know if dreams mean anything. I really don't. I just know I wish I could control them. It always seems that when I get the idea in my head that we should adopt or persue other options I have dreams of our child together. I rememeber one dream had a little girl in it who was red headed and had Tony's blue/green eyes and she was ours. Of course I don't remember all the details from the dream, but I woke up thinking I HAVE to have a baby(kind of like in the scene during Up and the wife sees babies in the clouds and all she has is babies on her brain). I have had dreams where I'm pregnant and others where I just had a baby. I wonder if its God's way of telling me not to give up on having my own yet or am I reading too much in to this?

Lucky and where do we go from here.

I feel pretty lucky to have my hubby. We've been going through this infertility stuff for 6 years now and its rough odviously. However, I am finding out that there are couples out there where one can want to keep going on with fertility treatments and the other doesn't or one says an ABSOLUTE "NO" to adoption. We've never been like that. Actually, its always been what I want to do. I guess its a good thing. We are both on the same page as "We HAVE to go forward." We just can't sit here and do nothing as it feels like thats what we have done for years.

I can recall our frame of mind each year.

Year one----- We heard a lot of "just relax" I MEAN A LOT!!! That wasn't frustrating then because we were totally oblivious to what was ahead. In the beginning "just relax" can be encouraging. I even got the "your so young, just wait a few years." I heard that one often. Didn't "get" how people cried at pregnancy announcements. I thought they were overreacting(oh, how niave I was)!! However, I've known all my life I could have trouble getting pregnant and always thought "I'll just adopt." Didn't realize that decision isn't so cut and dry. Spent about $100 on pregnancy tests!!!!

Year two-- Really got tired of hearing "just relax" and find out yours truly isn't ovulating and hubby's sperm count SUCKS. That was a fun year let me tell ya. However, we were broker than broke, so it was a mixed blessing to not have to buy birth control. Besides .. I was 24 I had "plenty of time." Enjoy looking at baby stuff still. Start OPK

Year three-- Moved and finally have health insurance only to find out fertility treaments aren't covered. Knowing we will have to pursue fertiltily treatments we go to RE and find out we might as well skip all the low tech crap and go straight for IVF. That was tough to hear, but FINALLY an answer. Meet coworker who has gone through the same thing. Ironically, she plans the baby showers at the school. WOW!!! Hearing pregnancy announcements really starts to sting, but I'm optomistic that we can afford fertility treatments. Learn that OPK are useless with PCOS.. waste of money. Proctor and Gamble owe me $$$.

Year Four---- Can't do anything due to cost restrictions. So, sit back and watch everyone else go forward while hearing ignorant comments from people. Realize that people are pretty dumb. Let family in on whats going on. I know FOUR years later, but really I didn't want people to know. I didn't want to hear ANOTHER opinion.

Year Five--- Go back to doc and as I walk in the building I wonder why the heck there are maternity clothes in the "gift shop." Seriously, it should be in a whole different building. Doc says "its been yada yada number of cycles you need to start treatments." DUH. You just make them cheaper and we'll talk about it.

Year Six--- Will turn 30... REALLY considering adoption of going to another country to have treatments.

Praying about both options.

Tony did say something pretty cute the other day. I called him after hearing about an IVF program in Cheh(sp?)Republic that would cost about $7,000 (EVERYTHING total 14 days) and he said "Would we have to pay for an extra plane ticket if there are three of us on our way back."

Such a dork.

With adoption We'd have to wait too as we only have a one bedroom apartment and we want Tony to finish school before we go any further. While I am leaning towards adoption I don't know if the agency will let us go further if we haven't pursued treatments. Its a catch 22.

Advocacy Day

Ok.. Tomorrow is Resolve Advocacy Day and its an organization I fully believe in. Resolves purpose is to provide support for those who are going through fertility and support. They are responsible for Illinois passing its IVF coverage (YEAH) for insurance. Texas laws have not been changed in 22 years. They are advocates for Adoption Laws and are basically a great positive voice. A great organization that I wish more people were fully aware of. Most people are fully aware of my view on infertility coverage on insurance.

I have come to find it amazing how we ignore or really honestly don't pay too much attention to organziations that stand up for others or speak up for those who may be unable to speak up for themselves until we need one. I wish I could be in Washington tomorrow as they speak with Senators and Representatives. Its just not financially feasible. I hope they are truly listened to and not glazed over. With this new "Health plan" idea my concern is these services won't be covered for those that need it. They are expensive and if I had my choice in life no one would ever need these services.

Even if I chose to do adoption I know I won't forget what got me here in the first place. I know adoption isn't for everyone and I want no one to suffer financially because of it or fertility treatments. I mean what in life can be MORE positive than having a child when you TRULY want one?? They change laws for those that don't want there children and keep having more all the time. Heck, those people get paid to have more.

So, finally I hope we get listened to tomorrow as I know those going are brave and want to be heard!!!

Adoption forums

I'm frustrated.
I'm looking at adoption forums trying to get ideas from others who have adopted, but all there seem to be are imbittered biological parents trying to force the fact of what they gave up and how much pain they are in and what are their rights.

Well first off.. UM you gave up your child (hopefully in the child's best interest) you have no rights. My own biological mother tried to get my medical records from the hospital a few years ago and they wouldn't grant her access to them and she didint' understand why. Well, her rights were terminated by the state.

Next, I keep seeing the term "first mother" "First Parents'" YUCK!!! It's biological mother/parents. END OF STORY. I remember when I was little I referred to my biological mom as my real mom and my adopted mom was not a happy camper. She quickly said, "I'm your real mom." Very true. I see why she said that now.

Open Adoption can be a positive thing if clear rules are made. I don't want my child to have a step mother/father like relationship with their biological parents. However, I think they need to know the reality of their background so they are not disillusioned.

Counseling: I desperatly want the biological family to have counseling. I don't want her to go through her life wondering "what if?" The reason she'd give the baby up is so she and the baby would have a better life.

Anniversary

Today is our Six year anniversary. Its also Father's Day and the First Day of Summer all in one!!! I chose this day to get married because its the longest day of the year. I also had a 12:45 wedding that FLEW by. Total Blur. Its been a long, eventful six years, but they have been great.

Why Don't You "JUST ADOPT?"""

OK.. the above words are very painful and very loaded words. They basically say.. "get over how you feel and just get a non biological child." I have had this said to me numerous times. They can hurt deeply. HOWEVER, by no means does this mean I am anti-adoption!!! I'm so pro adoption its not even funny. I do want to experience pregnancy, childbirth and all that other stuff that many women do take for granted. I want my baby to have my husband's characteristics etc. I don't want to compete with other families to get a child. So, those who "just adopt" aren't just adopting they are saying, "Ok, this other route is not for us, our ultimate goal is to have a baby to love THE END." Its acceptance to the extreme. Some who are diagnosed with infertility go straight to adoption no questions asked. Others go through many treatments($$$ ) , have many heartaches and in the end find adoption is a great answer. Is either more right than the other? NO WAY!!! Each and EVERY situation is different. Their pain is different. Not greater or less, but different.

Those going through infertility have researched adoption (alot). Well, at least I have. I have learned a lot about it and I know I have more to learn. I have an advantage of not being as blind to it as I was adopted myself, but being on the recieving end of it all is different. It truly can be just as heartbreaking as infertility with many what ifs. So, if we chose adoption instead of fertility treatments it doesn't mean I don't want my own child. Its a route we would chosen and my husband and I have found answers to many questions.

1. How much does adoption cost?? Thats the $25,000 (cough cough) question. It depends how you adopt. If you adopt through the state it seems to be much cheaper as is going through a lawyer. Your best and safest bet is to go through an agency. It cost more, but the chances of the biological family backing out (my biggest fear) are less. By adopting through the state the parent's rights have been termenated already and that is not a fear. Having parent's rights terminated and SIGNED off is very important. I don't know if you remember the story of the little girl who was adopted at birth and at the age of 3 her "biological father" got her back because he didn't sign his rights away. I remember watching that story and crying. That would be a NIGHTMARE!!! There is also a nifty tax credit and some(not mine) jobs offer adoption assistance.

2. Domestic or International? Well, I use to say I'd adopt international, but as time has gone by and I've become more educated on the realities, so domestic may be the way we go.

3. But there are unwanted children EVERYWHERE why can't you just buy one??? Grumble Grumble. So much wrong with the above statement. WRONG, there are not unwanted children everywhere. There are parents who can't take care of their children everywhere, but they get them back eventually or they or older(this leads to my next question). Many times children are placed with family first(the state tries to do this) OR drumroll please........ they "just have an abortion!!!" Makes you want to scream doesn't it?? $500 dollars for an abortion vs helping a family have a child totally selfish. I would love to see the studies on the long term affects on the mother after abortion. Adoption totally and uterally selfless. Like Ronald Regan said "I've noticed all of those who are for abortion have already been born." LOVE IT!!!! Next, you don't BUY a child!!!! Yes, you pay money, but its for legal fees. You buy bread, not a child!!!

4. What age would you want a child? OH HOW I'D LOVE an infant!!!! However, an older child would be OK(2 or 3 maybe)

5. Would you adopt a child with special needs? While I greatly admire families that do ( I know some) I know it takes a lot of time etc and at this time I'm uncertain of that answer. I guess one advantage of having your own child is you know how the mother behaved during pregnancy and you know the background.

6. Would you adopt a child of another race? Oddly enough Tony is all for it, but I'm still on the fence on that one. I've seen people get very quick placements if they go this route and are very happy with no regrets. Its a great thing. I'd have to learn how to answer intrusive questions well and find other people who have gone this route for support.

7. Aren't you scared of ALL the paperwork?? Yes, if you didn't know you have to do a LOT of paper work for adoption, and you really put yourself out there. Nothing is hidden. Scary, yup. However, have you been to a fertility doc lately?? Your totally putting yourself out there too. Had an HSG??? More people see parts of your body than you would ever of hoped. So, I can hack it.

8. When would you adopt? Well, thats the luxury of adoption. I feel no rush at all. With fertility treatments I STRONGLY feel like "We dont' have much time." With adoption we have a good 10 years.

9. How much contact do you want your child to have with their biological family? I want my child to know the reality of their adoption. NO secrets. I want them to know their names, medical information etc. Giving up a child for adoption has to be the hardest decision you can ever make, so I can't forget the biological family. I saw one families website and what they did for the biological mom and I thought it was great. Its quite detailed, but I've saved the info for future reference. I know the mother doesn't want to be judged, but I know that she is making the most selfless decision for her child.

SOOOOOO many more things to go through, but as you can see there is no such thing as "just adopt."

cars

My car had a blow out yesterday on a major highway!! It was so scary. I decided the best plan was to call the cops because of the location that I was at was so full of traffic. Well, I SHOULD of called Metro because they would of fixed my tire and not had my car towed like the cops did. Did you know if you call a police officer and they call a towing company to get your car the bill SKYROCKETS? I didn't!!! So, if you ever have anything happen on the side of the road like that. CALL your insurance, Metro or anyone else FIRST!!!