Thankgiving

My Thanksgiving was great!!!! I spent time with my family and had some(TOO much great food).  We kept ourselves busy by shopping and just enjoying each others company. We even did the EARLY morning Black Friday thing. We swore we would never do it again, but this year we found ourselves at Wal--Mart way too early in the morning. My hubby got his laptop though, so all it right with his world:) We went to the Country Peddlers show and there was SOOO much there. I LOVE going there. I'm trying to get in the X-Mas spirit this year by decorating my house.

Birthfamilies

Since I am very strongly considering adoption this has given me time to reflect on my own adoption and how I want my child to view their biological families (these days call First Parents), its also a good way to see what I want done in our situation that may of possibly been overlooked in my own.

I was adopted through the state and those adoptions are normally closed. However, since I was finally given to my parents at the age of 4 after being fostered by family for 2 or so years (adoption finalized at 6 due to paperowork mishaps) I had memories and it was my parents choice if they wanted contact with the biological family.  We kept contact with my biological grandmother who I remember adoring. However, we did not keep contact with our biological mom or dad.  We were told by my biological grandparents that they did not know where she was(this turned out to be false) We were always told "she was too young to have children" and it was too much for her.  I always accepted that answer and went on with my life. Turns out that was the truth.  Given these facts alone I can see quickly that my family would of been one of disfunction had I stayed with them. Not to say my adoptive family is perfect(however they are pretty awesome) I feel a great sense of security with them far more than I ever did with my biological family.

If I ever had and questions towards my adoption it was: Why the HECK did my biological mom NOT give us up for adoption on her own? I KNOW she was young. I KNOW its difficult.   However, it would of prevented some unfortunate situations from happening to my older sister who was also eventually adopted as well.  The state had to step in .  Its one reason I get upset when I see girls getting pregnant so young. Their situation could  easily be the same.  

While my reasons for adopting will be different than my own parents, they are helping me with the process. My view of my child's biological parent (family) will be different than what they viewed ours as.

Weekend

My hubby graduated from the Fire Academy this weekend!!! I spent Friday cleaning and getting ready. It was a great weekend and he was on cloud nine when he found out he had passed all sections of his State Exam and the overall exam. This honestly was no easy feat. 7 out of 26 failed to the point that they will have to retake the whole thing. If he had failed one section he would have to retake that section only. Now, he can go on to take the EMT class.  I heard more pregnancy announcements this weekend. I swear they are everywhere.  I heard them all as I was stuck in a car with family and I couldn't leave. Jumping out of a car on a busy highway is probably not a good idea.  So, I prayed I wouldn't get angry especially when one of the announcements was enough to make my blood boil.  The prayer worked because pretty quickly I had put it in the back of my mind.  Now, the person giving the announcements probably wasn't too thrilled that I wasn't jumping up and down for joy, but hey give me credit I'm still  working on the anger part. I just kept telling myself, "God has a plan for me."   With this said.. I have to tell you what  happened later that evening..... I kind of see it as God's reward for being "good" and not getting angry.

We were at my cousin's house celebrating my hubby's graduation when in walked this couple (a little older.. mid 40s early 50s) with THE CUTEST little boy!!! I couldn't help but smile. I wasn't certain if he was theirs or what the deal was. He was a little darker, but not much, so he could of easily been theirs. You know how genetics works!!!! So, I asked them if the baby was theirs and they said they had adopted them. Well, I'm finding myself drawn to families that have adopted, and I said, "I HAVE to talk to you." So, she told me the story and then told me that the agency she went through only goes off referrals. Someone who has adopted through there has to refer someone else to adopt and she would refer us!!!  Of course I was thrilled.  It seems the more I become open to adoption the more it surrounds me. I find more people who have adopted. Its really tooo cool.

Update: Please pray for this family. This mom just had twins and one was diagnosed with Bacterial Meningitis. I don't know much about it, but keep them in your prayers. This is a blog I have read almost daily and never really commented on. http://www.conceptiondeception.blogspot.com/

All better

Ok... put a band aid on my wound I'm all better now... sorta.
I feel better about my Sister-In-Law being pregnant. I have NO IOTA of a clue why I do, but I do.  Now, I'm not all up for hearing details about it, but I've come to the conclusion my anger won't make anything go away no matter how hard I try. I've officially diagnosed myself as bipolar on certain aspects in life. When I hear pregnancy announcements all I want to do is freak out and do fertility treatments.  Then, in time I chill out and thne lean towards adoption. This little war is so much fun in my head, let me tell you.  I read adoption blogs and think..  "WOW!" Then, I think of the reality.. The paperwork etc.  I do have to admit that earlier this year I started collecting photos and going to the scrapbooking store to make a family scrapbook.  I even found some cool adoption scrapbook pages. So, I have the stuff.   Has it gotten started yet??? HA. Those good intentions get you everytime. 

I think pouring yourself in to the process is what you have to do to get through the reality of it all.  I wish more people would give their babies up for adoption. This, of course is a selfish wish.  If we adopted, we would have to wait until we had something more than our one bedroom apartment. So, we probably wouldn't even get started on the process until next Summer. HOWEVER, this does give me time to get the scrapbook ready as it would take me 6 months to do it. I'm certain it takes others a month or so, but I did start collecting stuff back in January and February, so history proves this will take me a while.

Things I know IF we adopt (and tomorrow I could totally change my mind.  Told ya I'm bipolar about this).

1. I want an infant or a young baby.
2. I want a semi open or open adoption.
3. If I adopt once I'll probably adopt again.
4. NO if I adopt I will NOT get pregnant if I adopt. I can't scream that loudly enough. It won't happen. Thank. you. very. much. That happens to people who have unexplained infertility, and we are SO not unexplained.
5. We'd move closer to our families.

So, we'll see.

Selfish

Yes... someone told me I was being selfish and reminded me that my sister in law didnt get pregnant to torture me.(DUH!!!) and God tells us to put others before ourselves.To give this person credit they did say it after they said, "I have no idea what you are going through."   I'm not mad at my Sister-In-Law. I'm mad at my own non working body and frustrated. Easy pregnancies are a harsh reminder of what I can't have.

First, I want to say.. I don't know what the rules are for emotional feelings with infertility.  I'm fully aware that others go through life crises too. They don't know the rules either.  I've prayed a lot, I 've done journaling, speaking with others going through this, and have done what I can to make myself better. That doesn't make me selfish. I've been told what I'm feeling is normal which is fine and dandy, but being called selfish hurts, but makes you reflect on why someone would say that. It might seem that infertility is all I think about. Its not. I eat, sleep, clean, pay bills and deal with other life stuff.  This is just a seven year long life crisis(didn't feel like one as much at first, but is sure does now)

However, I really thought about it because from the outside looking in I can totally see how I can be perceived that way. I mean I don't celebrate pregnancies, baby showers, and totally avoid maternity wards at all cost unless I have to go in them.  What this person doesn't realize is I use to LOVE to go look at the babies at the hospitals until just a few years ago even when dealing with infertility. It gave me hope. Kinda resparked my want/need for a child.  I would honestly celebrate pregnancy announcements and happily attend baby showers without putting on a fake face thinking, "One day it will be my turn and I'll be the one celebrating."  I would go to the baby isle and look at all the cute baby things. Now just walking anywhere near that isle hurts.  I didn't tell people for YEARS we were trying to get pregnant(you can do that when you get married young. People just think your waiting). So, I kept a lot hidden and faked a lot of smiles and it wore me out.  As time has gone on I guess you can say I've beome more cynical to the idea.  My mom was talking about baby names if it was a boy or a girl and I just couldn't do it. All I said was "mhm." I guess I'm not at that point yet with this. 

As far as putting others before ourselves. I couldn't agree more. However, do I sacrafice myself for the sake of someone else? No. On that note,  I truly hope that I can get to the point that I will be happy to have a new neice or nephew.  It won't be this kids fault I can't have one. I don't want to speak to my Sister-in-Law because she will try to comfort me and I don't need that from her.

Everyone is different. I had a infertile coworker who attended all the showers(heck she PLANNED THEM), births and anything baby related, but I know she's hurting deeply.  I think she does it for the same reason I use to attend them.

I call it Self Preservation. I need my freak out moments. I need to feel whatever it is I'm feeling at that moment. You can't deny yourself your emotions. I've learned that. My emotions have taken me totally by surprise. TOTALLY. I didn't expect to feel anything I have felt. I thought I'd truly be OK with not being able to have kids. Turns out I wasn't.

???

Well, my new (one month of marriage) Sister in Law is pregnant. 12 weeks to be exact... HMMMM do the math. This is my brother's wife. Along with my OTHER sister in law being pregnant with her 3rd one on the other side of the family it makes for an emotional catastrophy for me. My mom called last night (shes known for weeks) and told my husband... I grabbed the phone and asked.. "WHOS PREGNANT???" No one had to tell me I could tell by their conversation that was what was going on. I LOST it. I cried for HOURS and am still amazed at the irony of it all. Statistically, I should have a baby by now. I'm 30 and started trying at 23. She's had 2 kids already. One of them has already had a baby herself. So.. this STUNG bad. I went to sleep last night with a huge headache and woke up so depressed. I got in the tub and tried to think about being happy because I'm getting another neice or nephew(the 12th one) and I couldn't. I just started crying everytime I tried to think of it. I don't know where I am emotionally right now. I know where I was last night, and it was a bad place, but now I honestly don't know. I just hurt. That simple. I use to pretend to be happy for people when they got pregnant. Now, it just takes too much emotional energy.

Grief

As women we are conditioned to become mothers.  I don't care where you came from. We JUST are. Go look at any toy isle and you will find a babydoll with diapers and all the gear for a three year old to play with to prepare her for motherhood. Now, you won't find this in the boys isles!!!  We play house with our friends, put our doll in a stroller and keep them "fed." Growing up and "name" our future children as we talk with our friends. We talk of our future husbands and families and how we want to have 4 children 2 years apart. In Junior High we learn how "babies are made"(some learn before that). We eventually go on to High School and college, get married to someone we love to hopefully reach the goal we set for ourselves at the mere age of three. WOW... such high expectations of ourselves at such a young age.

Along with this Pregnancy is celebrated EVERYWHERE just look at the "Baby Bump"shirts and the baby clothes sections of stores. I mean its a huge market.  When a celebrity gets pregnant its news.  Its supposedly a wonderful experience. The most amazing feeling in the world. WHO wouldn't want that??

BUT>>>>What happens though when what we had engrained in us  growing up doesn't happen.?The birds and the bees don't work, Junior High Science fails us? We learned ALL about birth control. I don't think I saw the term IUI or IVF in my biology book. It all sounded so dang easy. Heck I was told I could get pregnant without even having sex(Someone explain that one to me).    Our emotions go out of wack... we have to rechange our thinking... join a new "world." The Fertile world is too painful and far to clueless to understand.  We simply GRIEVE... STRONGLY.. There is a name for this grief....

This is called  (def) Dis­en­fran­chised Grief: when the grief is con­nected with a loss which can­not be openly acknowl­edged, pub­licly mourned or socially sup­ported. In many cases of dis­en­fran­chised grief, the rela­tion­ship is not recog­nised, the loss is not recog­nised or the griever is not recog­nised. The loss of a child through infertility/ miscarriage is usu­ally a loss which can­not be openly acknowl­edged, which is why people often suf­fer in silence...people who have expe­ri­enced any type of loss often feel anger, guilt, sad­ness, depres­sion, hope­less­ness and numb­ness and that in cases of dis­en­fran­chised grief, these feel­ings can per­sist for a very long time. The lack of recog­ni­tion of their grief often results in them hold­ing on to it more tena­ciously than they might oth­er­wise have done.

Grief strongly needs to acknowledged as "right."  What one person may grieve another may not.  I feel embarassement, ridicule, and feelings of inadequacy leads to disenfranchised grief.  Grief needs an outlet. Some write, take photographs, make friends with others going through similar things and  others find strength in their Faith.  If one thing I have learned from my struggle with Infertility (and I've learned so many things) is I can't be afraid to feel what I'm feeling even if others "just don't get it" like my insurance company.  Each persons loss is different, but acknowledge it.