We have progress...SORTA

Friday my husband was set up for a test called SVA (Seminal Vesicle Aspiration). Basically, the doc inserted a needle up his butt and took a sample from his tubes. The purpose was to see if there was any blockage. The procedure sucked, but there is no blockage. Not to mention we got results from past tests that he took in December. His DNA looks good along with his sperm production hormone. He does have a severe varicocile on his left side and a small one on his right. So, next month he will be having surgery to reverse these. At this time he will also have a tesicular biopsy to see if any good swimmers are in there to use for IVF. The varicocile repair will serve two purposes. It will reduce pain he has been having and it will increase sperm count and hopefully quality. So, this is a one step at a time thing.  His count was 1 million with no swimming. SUCKS!!!! I know there is little the can do for motility from zero.  If there was some swimming it would be different.

What we find at the biopsy will lead us to more questions. What do we do if we can't use hubby's sperm??? Do we use a donor??? Do we TELL people if we use a donor??? I look in my husband's amazing eyes and I can't imagine having a baby with anyone else BUT him. The man has BEAUTIFUL blue eyes. I use to say it was all or none.  I use to say I know what we would do. We would adopt if the only option was sperm donor (if it was egg donor we would use my sister's since we are identical twins), but as with so many things its not cut and dry.  I'm thankful we have a great doctor who knows his stuff.  When he asked if we would do IVF I think he was prepared for us to be leary.  Odviously, we aren't. 

On the emotional aspect of this. I wonder in the end if we do IVF and it fails will it all be worth it. Its costly emotionally and financially. Will I still see it as an "I want to at least TRY for our own?" or have I reached my personal emotional breaking point?? Has time lost (6 and half years) in of it self been my personal burden, not fertility treatments, and should be move forth with adoption?  Had we tested my husband this extensively one year after trying I would be jumping on the IVF rollercoaster in the front seat, hands up in the air for the added thrill. Now, I've changed as a person.   I feel I've grown and been given much more time to think, pray and reflect.  I wish I could see in the future.. I wish I knew what would happen with each path we could take.  Time and lack of insurance coverage has given me way too much time to think.  I wish it was siimple for us and these weren't things we knew. I wish I was as clueless about all this, but I'm not. 

I'm envious of those with insurance coverage for all of this. It simply would make my decision much more easier. It just would.