Delayed reaction to Christmas

OK... from what I am reading on other blogs dealing with infertility I think I had a delayed reaction to what Christmas means to those who can't have children. Some people who are only on year two of this are in far worse of a place than I was at that point. That could be because at that point not only was I young, but we had very little money, so while not getting pregnant was painful I was almost of the mind frame that God did not intend for this to happen for us right now. Not to mention every time I mentioned it to my husband he'd blow it off. To him it was a we can't do anything about it right now why even discuss it thing. THAT has TOTALLY changed. THANK GOD!!!

  We'd spend Christmas with my parents and watch my younger cousins and neices open presents. We never received any because only children got presents.  This really should be no big deal because Christmas should be all about giving, but we have no children and while we love our neices, nephews and numerous cousins watching kids that are not yours open presents can only be so fun for so long after so many years. My parents would make us attend saying "Its all about the Children." I'd agree and feel guilty that I was upset about not getting anything. I'd feel selfish. 

Then came the year that my cousin who is ten years older than me, met her husband a year after I got married, married him a year after that,  got pregnant immediatly showed up with her new baby in tow. The baby of course was the highlight of the Christmas and rightfully so, but I think for the FIRST time ever I had a strong emotional reaction to somone else having children and not me. I was surprised by it. I had to run out of the room praying to God that no one saw me crying. My Sister-In-Law I think was waiting for me to break down or could see it in my face because she chased me to the bathroom saying, "You can adopt."  I went back in to the room later hoping no one noticed, and I don't think they did.  I remember feeling incredibly guilty.  I hated that.

Now, fast forward to this year... 3 years later after that incident. I thought time would make it easier, but it hasn't.  In years past we have done Angel Adoptions and bought gifts for children, just to be able to buy gifts for a child. I'm certain this year we will do the same, However, this year I would LOVE to skip Christmas. I would like to stay at my house and just be with my husband and puppies. WHY??? Well.... My pregnant Sister-in-Law and another pregant person will be there.  At this time I don't care to be around it.  I may feel different the day of Christmas, but I just don't care to hear all the pregnancy details. The only reason I am going is to keep My Mother-In-Law from disowning my husband. 

I have a doctor's appointment on the 23rd and for the FIRST time through all of this I am going to ask my doctor for some anxiety medicine. Even if I need it to survive Christmas I don't care. Unfortunantley this is a situation I can not remove myself from unlike a baby shower (where I can walk out or go to the bathroom if I get upset). This siutation I'm stuck in a house full of people.  While some people can make it through this on prayer alone and I can't tell you how much I admire that and am in awe of some people's strength.
 I can't. Not this year.

Facebook

If anything starts drama it most certaintly is Facebook!!! Now, the thing is most of this is self imposed drama due to pics and status updates alone. The other half is based on who is "friended" and who is not.  Now, I'm not one for holding too much in. However, on Facebook I have to. When I see a pregnancy announcment I have choices. I can chose to swallow my pride and congratulate them or just not say a thing or I could be totally cruel and say "AGAIN??" or something mean and all sorts of catty sounding that would defenintly start all sorts of drama. So, mostly I don't say anything.

Recently, one person on my Facebook wrote something to the effect of having a fantasy of what life would be like single and childless. Now, I understand needing "me time." We ALL need that. However, if you are going to post that for the world to see(even your Mother in Law) you need to be ready for the backlash. So, I wrote back, If you knew the reality behind those words they would take them back. That didn't go over so well.  To me if you wish your life was different you DO have a right to vent that. We ALL have those wondering momments.  I totally get that even without kids.  HOWEVER, my first reaction was to tell her  "Be careful what you wish for because I can tell you the reality of what life is like without kids." 


Remember though, that your status  updates can be seen by all and if you want the world to know what is going on in your private life or how you are feeling for only a moment then be ready for the consequences.  Be ready for judegment and cruel words if you say something mean that you feel at the moment and may not feel an hour later. There are momments that I want to write the truth, but I don't need hundreds of opinions and comments, and mostly only a VERY small percentage know what we are going through family making wise and I'd like to keep it that way. Now, I do have a link on my profile to Resolve  on there for a reason to clue people in and hopefully to keep them from asking questions about why I don't have kids.  Situations like this have made me more aware of what I write. I'm trying to stick to "Its cold" etc from now on. NO MATTER what is going on IRL!!!

Dr. Appointments, snow and Target

It snowed Friday afternoon, and being from Texas that is a RARITY!!! So, teaching was pretty much useless on Friday. I was concerned(OK Panicked is a MUCH better word) because it was suppose to freeze and my husband had a very very important Dr appointment. Yes, after 6 and a half  long emotionally draining years, and 3 different doctors we are finally able to get him PROPERLY diagnosed(I'll explain later my totally out of the blue emotional reaction to this). We were so excited because it was a step forward.  We got there and look at the forms and low and behold on them it has a list of things you have to pay UPFRONT(this wasn't included in the paperwork they sent us via e-mail). We tallied up the cost that we would have to pay at the first appointment and it equaled out to around $250. I was upset not to have been told this over the phone or in the packet of paperwork they sent us prior, but we NEEEDED to have this appointment and couldn't afford to cancel it, so I figured we would suck up the cost.  Well... 2 hours and a very invasive exam or two later the grand total was $400!!! He had to have a special test because his count etc was just THAT bad and we are that special. I am filling out a claim form TODAY along with receipts etc,  but its Christmas and we have gifts to buy and bills to pay. So needless to say I was more than a little upset about that.

That night was spent with me pouting and very upset at paying this. The next morning I was feeling a little better.  I'd gotten over the fact we spent so much and decided to try  "shop."  I went in to one store and then met my husband in Target. We went to X-mas isle and behind us was stocking stuffers and I just LOST it(told you it was totally out of the blue). All I could think of was, "What if we never have kids to give stocking stuffers to?" "What if we deplete every account we have to get a child and have nothing to show for it EVEN through adoption?" My mind was going in all sorts of directions. I tried to pray to calm me down which usually helps, but not this time(GREAT IN PUBLIC TOO THANKS!!!) I had to hide my head in my husbands jacket so that people didn't think I was totally insane and I was just overly affectionate in public. Poor guy. All he could say was "What do you want me to do?" I had no idea what he  could do, but I know I had to go to a different section of the store. I decided I could look at Xmas trees and be OK.  WRONG!!!! What was the first thing I saw with the ornaments??? "Babys first Christmas" ornament set.  I have been close to having panic attacks before, but this was different. The room started spinning and I honestly thought I was going to pass out or throw up. I wasn't too sure.  I probably would have had my  husband not had the frame of mind to get me out of there.  We left the STORE immediatly which just HAPPENS to be  right by a Babies-R-Us. So, pregnant people were everywhere(or it felt that way).

I thought I woudd be happy with being able to go forward and I am. I truly am, but the mere fact that it took us years to get to just the starting point really got to me. This is the point we should of been at 3 or so more years ago. The way it looks right now my husband will have to have surgery this coming year for at least a varicocile(which we have known about for a while) and possibly some other things that they are testing for right now and in January.  I'm OK with surgery. I'd happily undergo 4 surgeries each if the end result means a child.

Faith

As long as we have been in this infertility trial I honestly don't feel like I have lost faith in God.  Now, to say I haven't had my "Why me moments" (days) would be an overexaggeration along with momments of frustration with Him.  I still feel and hopefully will always  feel that God knows what He is doing. My faith can't be one of convienince. I can't say "OK God I'll believe in more if you just make my body do what I want it to do." or "bring a child to us through adoption."  We are a lot like little children at times I think. We pout and say "I'm not talking to you until you do what I say."  So, what do we do when we finally get an answer to our prayer??? Do we say "Thank You and" and forget when we turned our backs on Him  ???  That again is childless and something I am striving not to do. 

  To lose faith in God would be counterproductive I think.  I can see how it can happen in all honesty because when we pray we seem to expect God's answer to be "Yes" especially when it comes to something as basic as having a child. We don't understand why others get their prayers answered and we don't.  Reminding myself that God is in control is difficult especially as more people around me are able to go on with their lives. 

Thankgiving

My Thanksgiving was great!!!! I spent time with my family and had some(TOO much great food).  We kept ourselves busy by shopping and just enjoying each others company. We even did the EARLY morning Black Friday thing. We swore we would never do it again, but this year we found ourselves at Wal--Mart way too early in the morning. My hubby got his laptop though, so all it right with his world:) We went to the Country Peddlers show and there was SOOO much there. I LOVE going there. I'm trying to get in the X-Mas spirit this year by decorating my house.

Birthfamilies

Since I am very strongly considering adoption this has given me time to reflect on my own adoption and how I want my child to view their biological families (these days call First Parents), its also a good way to see what I want done in our situation that may of possibly been overlooked in my own.

I was adopted through the state and those adoptions are normally closed. However, since I was finally given to my parents at the age of 4 after being fostered by family for 2 or so years (adoption finalized at 6 due to paperowork mishaps) I had memories and it was my parents choice if they wanted contact with the biological family.  We kept contact with my biological grandmother who I remember adoring. However, we did not keep contact with our biological mom or dad.  We were told by my biological grandparents that they did not know where she was(this turned out to be false) We were always told "she was too young to have children" and it was too much for her.  I always accepted that answer and went on with my life. Turns out that was the truth.  Given these facts alone I can see quickly that my family would of been one of disfunction had I stayed with them. Not to say my adoptive family is perfect(however they are pretty awesome) I feel a great sense of security with them far more than I ever did with my biological family.

If I ever had and questions towards my adoption it was: Why the HECK did my biological mom NOT give us up for adoption on her own? I KNOW she was young. I KNOW its difficult.   However, it would of prevented some unfortunate situations from happening to my older sister who was also eventually adopted as well.  The state had to step in .  Its one reason I get upset when I see girls getting pregnant so young. Their situation could  easily be the same.  

While my reasons for adopting will be different than my own parents, they are helping me with the process. My view of my child's biological parent (family) will be different than what they viewed ours as.

Weekend

My hubby graduated from the Fire Academy this weekend!!! I spent Friday cleaning and getting ready. It was a great weekend and he was on cloud nine when he found out he had passed all sections of his State Exam and the overall exam. This honestly was no easy feat. 7 out of 26 failed to the point that they will have to retake the whole thing. If he had failed one section he would have to retake that section only. Now, he can go on to take the EMT class.  I heard more pregnancy announcements this weekend. I swear they are everywhere.  I heard them all as I was stuck in a car with family and I couldn't leave. Jumping out of a car on a busy highway is probably not a good idea.  So, I prayed I wouldn't get angry especially when one of the announcements was enough to make my blood boil.  The prayer worked because pretty quickly I had put it in the back of my mind.  Now, the person giving the announcements probably wasn't too thrilled that I wasn't jumping up and down for joy, but hey give me credit I'm still  working on the anger part. I just kept telling myself, "God has a plan for me."   With this said.. I have to tell you what  happened later that evening..... I kind of see it as God's reward for being "good" and not getting angry.

We were at my cousin's house celebrating my hubby's graduation when in walked this couple (a little older.. mid 40s early 50s) with THE CUTEST little boy!!! I couldn't help but smile. I wasn't certain if he was theirs or what the deal was. He was a little darker, but not much, so he could of easily been theirs. You know how genetics works!!!! So, I asked them if the baby was theirs and they said they had adopted them. Well, I'm finding myself drawn to families that have adopted, and I said, "I HAVE to talk to you." So, she told me the story and then told me that the agency she went through only goes off referrals. Someone who has adopted through there has to refer someone else to adopt and she would refer us!!!  Of course I was thrilled.  It seems the more I become open to adoption the more it surrounds me. I find more people who have adopted. Its really tooo cool.

Update: Please pray for this family. This mom just had twins and one was diagnosed with Bacterial Meningitis. I don't know much about it, but keep them in your prayers. This is a blog I have read almost daily and never really commented on. http://www.conceptiondeception.blogspot.com/