Delayed reaction to Christmas

OK... from what I am reading on other blogs dealing with infertility I think I had a delayed reaction to what Christmas means to those who can't have children. Some people who are only on year two of this are in far worse of a place than I was at that point. That could be because at that point not only was I young, but we had very little money, so while not getting pregnant was painful I was almost of the mind frame that God did not intend for this to happen for us right now. Not to mention every time I mentioned it to my husband he'd blow it off. To him it was a we can't do anything about it right now why even discuss it thing. THAT has TOTALLY changed. THANK GOD!!!

  We'd spend Christmas with my parents and watch my younger cousins and neices open presents. We never received any because only children got presents.  This really should be no big deal because Christmas should be all about giving, but we have no children and while we love our neices, nephews and numerous cousins watching kids that are not yours open presents can only be so fun for so long after so many years. My parents would make us attend saying "Its all about the Children." I'd agree and feel guilty that I was upset about not getting anything. I'd feel selfish. 

Then came the year that my cousin who is ten years older than me, met her husband a year after I got married, married him a year after that,  got pregnant immediatly showed up with her new baby in tow. The baby of course was the highlight of the Christmas and rightfully so, but I think for the FIRST time ever I had a strong emotional reaction to somone else having children and not me. I was surprised by it. I had to run out of the room praying to God that no one saw me crying. My Sister-In-Law I think was waiting for me to break down or could see it in my face because she chased me to the bathroom saying, "You can adopt."  I went back in to the room later hoping no one noticed, and I don't think they did.  I remember feeling incredibly guilty.  I hated that.

Now, fast forward to this year... 3 years later after that incident. I thought time would make it easier, but it hasn't.  In years past we have done Angel Adoptions and bought gifts for children, just to be able to buy gifts for a child. I'm certain this year we will do the same, However, this year I would LOVE to skip Christmas. I would like to stay at my house and just be with my husband and puppies. WHY??? Well.... My pregnant Sister-in-Law and another pregant person will be there.  At this time I don't care to be around it.  I may feel different the day of Christmas, but I just don't care to hear all the pregnancy details. The only reason I am going is to keep My Mother-In-Law from disowning my husband. 

I have a doctor's appointment on the 23rd and for the FIRST time through all of this I am going to ask my doctor for some anxiety medicine. Even if I need it to survive Christmas I don't care. Unfortunantley this is a situation I can not remove myself from unlike a baby shower (where I can walk out or go to the bathroom if I get upset). This siutation I'm stuck in a house full of people.  While some people can make it through this on prayer alone and I can't tell you how much I admire that and am in awe of some people's strength.
 I can't. Not this year.