10 years ago

This post will not be about infertility at ALL.  10 years ago on January 26th I lost a good friend to sucicide.  Each year on this date I hurt.. deeply. I hate thist time of year. Blake and I had dated the Summer before, but the relationship did not last due largely in part to his depression.  I remember crying because I couldn't help him and trying to reach out to him, but its tough to reach out to someone who doesn't want to be reached by anyone.   We did remain friends though. There are things I will not forget about him. We found a common bond as we were from towns close to each other.  He was tall, dark skin and so good looking.  These things alone odviously can't prevent a person from being depressed.

That time in my life his suicide was the worst hurt I had endured.  I will never forget the moment I found out he died (at a party). I was sick all night and I couldn't sleep. The following weeks were a painful blur. I went to his memorial and did what I needed to do to go on. I didn't date afterwards for a while because I didn't think it would be fair to anyone to have to deal with my emotions. I could cry at the drop of a hat at certain songs.   I know how much I was hurting, so I can't even fathom how much his family was hurting.

I think it was at that time my outlook on life changed. First, you can't look at someone and realized they are depressed. Second,  you can't forgo your own personal emotional well being to help others. Last, God is HUGE in our lives. Faith is so important. I remember READING and READING the Bible looking for what it said about suicide and what happened to you after you died. I found nothing.  I remember comments from people telling me "He went to Hell."  THAT HURT!!!!  I prayed constantly for him and still do. That is all I can do for him. When someone dies in a car wreck you have the comfort they are in a better place and with suicide you don't. I'd like to think that God judges you based on how you lived, not how you died.   I immersed myself in my school work, and as a result had an awesome GPA that semester. 

The pain has greatly subsided, but the memories of him are still there. I can go for a LONG time not thinking about him. I've gotten married, graduated from college, moved and planned to have children since then. However, I do have days where I just HURT all day and can't stop thinking about him. The first two years afterwards those days happened often, now they happen rarely except on the anniversary of his death.  Certain songs from that time bring me back and I simply have to change the radio or torture myself and listen to them.  

Depression is not a joke. What may seem trivial to you can be the breaking point for somone else.