book

I saw this and had to post it.  I am going to have to buy this book from Amazon.  I feel like it is important to sort through these things and defenintley have felt all of this at one time or another in the past 6 and half years.  Some people I know can go straight to adoption without taking a detour through fertility treatments.  I can understand why.  The adoption route may hold more certainty than the treatment route.  I'm glad a book about adoption brought up these aspects of not having your own children. As I have said before Adoption for an infertile couple is Ultimate acceptance of your situation.
In her book ADOPTING: Sound Choices, Strong Families, Patricia Irwin Johnston goes through 6 significant losses related to infertility.

The Losses (in no particular order):


The Loss of Control Over Many Aspects Of Life (sex life-treatments, when/where to move, when/if to change jobs, what size of car to buy because next month could be "the" month, etc.). We put off A LOT "just in case" we had a baby. We put off my husbands school, moving, buying a home(probably not the smartest choice to put off) and other things because of it.  We won't get in to too many details on the sex life affects, but yes there has been an affect. We have decided our next car will be an SUV.. baby or no baby. We need more room.  Instead of arguing over how to care for a baby we have an added hurdle to endure.  We have argued about how we will produce a child.  If we can go have a baby like everyone else our lives would be different. Our concerns would be different.  Heck, the money factor alone is enough to make you feel like you've lost total control. Diangnosis ALONE we've already spent over 2000 out of pocket for he and I. This is WITH insurance. I'm paying a massive amount of money to do what 90% of people do for free. I think thats one of my biggest beefs with infertility is the dang cost. We would probably have a family by now, but thanks to the costs time has snuck on by.


The Loss of Genetic Continuity, Linking Past and Future (breaking your family blood line, no mini-me, etc.) I have thought about this a lot lately.   If we had a genetic child that child would be blood related to my sister and I only not anyone else in my family.  However, with my husband it would of course be genetically related to his.  I've thought about this if we had to use donor eggs or sperm. I'd hate to lose his genetics more than mine.   Not to mention when the baby is born people automatically look for similarities in the parents. That is fun to do.  My husband looks JUST like his grandfather did when he was younger and at times he looks a lot like his father. I know what my biological family looks like and I look like my Aunt and mom.  Thats the first stuff I wanted to know besides medical when I found my biolgical family. Who do I LOOK like??? Plus...we looked similar as babies and I would love to see if our baby will look the same.

The Loss ofChild With A Beloved Partner (seeing the combo of you and your mate, bonding your families together, etc.)  This is touched upon in the perviouis part. 


The Loss of the Physical Satisfaction of Pregnancy and Birth (the ultimate expression of femininity or masculinity, finally feeling like an "adult", not experiencing baby kicks/hiccups/contractions/labor, etc.) No one can tell me "Well, pregnancy is not THAT great." My mom had some problems during one of her pregnancies and she still talks about it 40 years later. It was a very important part of her life.  This is one of the reasons women will go to the ends of the earth to get pregnant.  One thing that makes us OK with going through stuff each month is, "Well, one day I'll have a baby out of if."  Who doesn't want to feel their baby kick??? If we adopted we would hear from someone else how the child was behaving while she was pregnant. Hearing and experiencing are two different things even if it includes stretch marks.

The Loss of the Emotional Gratification Of Pregnancy and Birth (bonding experience with baby/spouse/friends/family, feeling pampered/cared for/protected by others, finally succeeding, etc.)  OK..... I have to admit I am a tad selfish and I want to be pampered damnit!!!!   I have felt like it was "my turn" a LONG time ago. So talk about emotional gratification when it finally happens!!!! My mother in law once said to me, "I will spoil you when you get pregnant." This is when my sister in law was pregnant with baby number 2.  That stung. Now, she said this before our diangosis, so I can forgive that I guess. However, it did cross my mind. "What if I never get pregnant?" In the beginning of trying I would make plans on how I would tell my husband. I still have that plan and EVEN if we get pregnant through IVF I plan to use it in SOME way. I've had 6 and half years to perfect it. I also feel that its important to pamper adoptive moms to be as well. There is a Paper Pregnant shower that is the coolest idea.  Its to get a little bit of the pampering that pregnant women get that we may never receive, even if its only for a few hours.  I also feel like baby showers are VERY important for people who are adopting. The baby may be at its own shower. Throw an adoptive parent the EXACT showers you would throw them if they were physically pregnant.   The games may be a tad different. I was at a New Year's Party last year and there was a group of moms there. They were sitting there talking about their children, pregnancies and everything else. Everyone who wasn't parents(VERY few by the way) were at the other end of the room watching the ball drop. So, there is a bond among those who have been pregnant and parented. I wonder if we adopted how I would feel amongst a group of those mothers talking about their pregnancies. That would be a part I couldn't talk about.

The Loss of the Opportunity To Parent (considered a normal developmental life milestone, society standard commonality, where to channel those natural nurturing needs, etc.) Now this is what adoptive moms DO get. We get the ultimate job of parenting and raising a child that we will love. That is our ultimate goal.  I wonder at times if infertility keeps you from remembering your ultimate goal. There are reminders everywhere. However, you go through something for SO long and you forget why you were there in the first place.  I'm telling you six and half years is a LONG time (and we will probably be waiting even longer) when others wait only a few months. There is a huge difference in my mindframe from then and now,

Finally, On a side note. If we adopt it will not be because someone suggested it to us. It will be after other things have been resolved and spoken about between my husband and I.  I know some family members who will have an "I told you so smug attitude" if we adopt and end up with a baby. That will upset me more than being told to "just relax."  This is NOT a decision you make just because of a suggestion. 
I know everyone has different experiences with adoption and infertility. I always wonder what other people going through this feel. HOW can you go straight to adoption???