Life isn't cut and dry. Nothing is black and white. I've learned that through my infertililty journey and throughout this Summer. As we look towards life without my Granny I have many great memories with her. Her smile, her warmth and her grace. We don't know how much time she has and it saddens me greatly that she feels so miserable. I pray for her happiness constantly and want to be with her badly. I'm also saddened my children may never meet her. Even though they may never meet her they will know her. They will hear stories of her greatness, her kindness and her love of life. I pray that I can be a reflection of her. They will know her through me. As I said before she is someone I wish everyone could get to know.
Being adopted I remember meeting my Granny. I immediatley fell in love with her as everyone does. She has a calmness about her that just makes you comfortable to be around her. She loved me and I could tell it. She was safe. Adoption can be cool like that.
My family has so many wonderful people. My mom who is a reflection of my Granny in many ways, but has stubborness from my Grandpaw. My Aunt who is just as sweet as my Granny. My Paw Paw who is giving and brilliant just as my aunt is. I am truly blessed, so losing these people is difficult. I always knew it would be,but I thought I'd be ready when it happened. I guess your never ready.
On a totally different note. Im recovering from my back surgery well. I had a bout of inflamation that was very difficult,but I have medicine to help with that. Adoption for us is looking to be the option we will probably be chosing. I feel more and more guided towards it. Life events have made it that way. My heart feels guided to it more and I don't think my body could handle pregnancy well.
Not to mention, I want my child to have many cousins and BOY WILL THEY. YIKES!!! I've lost count. Plus, I've always wanted to raise children with my sister. I want our chilren to be close. That is very important to me. So,, while our children won't look alike, they will be close. Family is just too important.
So, while I'm rambling its how my thoughts are today.