AGAIN

My twin sister is pregnant again. First Try after her miscarriage in August. I don't want her having a repeat of the event, but it still hurts. She gets to try again and it worked.  I don't know if I even believe the word "blessed" anymore. I almost despise it. I think a better word is luck. I'm really struggling with my Faith right now.  I don't believe in "meant to be." 

I'm struggling with a lot right now and its all internal. I don't have the words to say because I cant pinpoint how i feel.

Christmas

OK.. So Thanksgiving is here and gone, and bring on Christmas. I've vowed to make this year less gifty and more family. Last year it was all about gifts and I felt so greedy and I didn't enjoy that at all. Its not about the gifts. Its odd this year when someone asks me what I want for Christmas I feel really guilty. Now, don't get me wrong, I REALLY need a new toaster and I'd be more than thrilled with some new clothes, but I think its very important to get in to what this holiday is all about. I'm thankful I'm spending this holiday with my family this year. Now, my family isn't perfect and we do our fair share amount of donating to the economy during Christmas, but we do make Christ a pretty large part of Christmas. I really enjoy that.   I'm counting down to when school is out!!!

New Post

It has been a while since I've posted. The school year gets going and I just am exhausted at the end of the day. Ay yi yi. Now, my husband's grandma is very sick and it looks like she has little time left. She was diagnosed with cancer pretty much all over along with having strokes. She is now on hospice care. Ironically, my own grandmother is doing pretty darn good and shes at home now happy as can be. I can say 2010 has pretty much sucked. YUCK!!!

With that said, I did read an article from the Washington post about Face.book posts being difficult on Infertile couples. This, I can say from experience is DEF true. I'm pretty quiet on FB about infertility. However,  I have made a few FB statuses.. NEVER again. Most people do say stupid stuff and this is why no one posts about it. Normally, the stupid comments come from those who have already have scads of children. I read this post and was CRACKING up laughing because its so true and puts humor in to a blah situation.

With that said. I'm worn out. Type later

and THIS is why I didnt tell people for FOUR years we were trying.

Well, my sister had a miscarriage. I was truely upset for her. However, I'm sorry;,I wasn't devestated. I defenintly hope she can get pregnant again with no problems as she also has PCOS. I mean it took her one month this time, so it may just take one time again. It was difficult for her of course, and she continues to have conflicting emotions about the outcome. HOWEVER.. her following statement just PISSED ME off. She said, "People who do fertility treatments have to be insane because I've gone to the doctor to get bloodwork one day one time a week at it sucks." WTH?? I wasn't so upset that she complained about getting blood work. Who wants bloodwork especially if its because you JUST lost a pregnancy? I would think it would just be a reminder of your loss. What got me is she said people who did infertility treatments were insane. I first thought it was figurative language.

No, it wasn't.  Well, what if thats your ONLY hope for a biological child? I questioned her. She said, "You can't let your mind "go there."  What?  How does your mind not "Go there?" Maybe IVF isn't for her, but ironically enough she doesn't need it. Hell, it took her one try to get pregnant, so in all honesty its a whole different world to her. Its the opposite end of the spectrum. She said, "What if this was sixty years ago and you didn't have the option of fertility treatments?" Well, I guess we'd adopt. However, this isn't  60 years ago.  People have landed on the moon and major improvement in cancer treatments have been made since then. 

Other points were made and I just was appalled.  All in all I think she feels like those who do IVF or fertility treatments are irrational and it has taken over my life. Well, yes, it has taken over my life.  Its who I am. How can it not take over your life? In a way its like Cancer. No one wants it, they cringe at the thought of it and are totally relieved that its "not them." Its taken over every major decision we have made.

 I was appalled that I have to defend choices that I have to make.  I wish more than anything in my life I didn't have to make these choices. The ONLY reason we haven't done IVF is the costs. THATS it. It happens to be our only chance of a biological child.  This is THE reason I kept my mouth shut for four years. I didn't tell family we were trying. I just let them assume we were waiting. Then, I started getting dumb comments, and I felt the need to be more open about it.  The above remarks made are just a few of the reasons Infertile women don't speak up more. We shouldn't have to defend our disease or put up with comments from people who have no idea what its like to walk in our shoes.  While its not deadly. It is still a disease.

Reflections

Life isn't cut and dry. Nothing is black and white. I've learned that through my infertililty journey and throughout this Summer. As we look towards life without my Granny I have many great memories with her. Her smile, her warmth and her grace. We don't know how much time she has and it saddens me greatly that she feels so miserable. I pray for her happiness constantly and want to be with her badly. I'm also saddened my children may never meet her. Even though they may never meet her they will know her. They will hear stories of her greatness, her kindness and her love of life.  I pray that I can be a reflection of her. They will know her through me. As I said before she is someone I wish everyone could get to know.

Being adopted I remember meeting my Granny. I immediatley fell in love with her as everyone does.  She has a calmness about her that just makes you comfortable to be around her. She loved me and I could tell it. She was safe.  Adoption can be cool like that.  

My family has so many wonderful people. My mom who is a reflection of my Granny in many ways, but has stubborness from my Grandpaw. My Aunt who is just as sweet as my Granny. My Paw Paw who is giving and brilliant just as my aunt is. I am truly blessed, so losing these people is difficult. I always knew it would be,but I thought I'd be ready when it happened. I guess your never ready. 

On a totally different note. Im recovering from my back surgery well. I had a bout of inflamation that was very difficult,but I have medicine to help with that. Adoption for us is looking to be the option we will probably be chosing. I feel more and more guided towards it. Life events have made it that way. My heart feels guided to it more and I don't think my body could handle pregnancy well.

Not to mention, I want my child to have many cousins and BOY WILL THEY.  YIKES!!! I've lost count. Plus, I've always wanted to raise children with my sister. I want our chilren to be close. That is very important to me. So,, while our children won't look alike, they will be close.  Family is just too important.

So, while I'm rambling its how my thoughts are today.

This Summer

This Summer has been insane. It just has. First, we almost lost my Granny more than once. She is STILL in the hospital and we are unaware of what the outcome will be. My sister got married and that was a rushed mess. She's now pregnant as you can see from my previous post. Finally, I had back surgery. I had a hernia.ted disc and I needed surgery.

Its been a rough two months. I am surprised of how I am dealing with My sis pregnancy. It hurts I can't get pregnant that easily, but of all family members I want this to work out for her the most.
She and I were adopted and being identical we have the same DNA. So, in a way this baby will be half me. For some reason this makes me incrediablly sad but excited at the same time. Sad, because it won't be my husband annd I producing this child.  Excited, because hopefully in the end there will be a little half me out there someway or another.

I can hate my body for not working the way I want and I do,but hating my sister won't help anything. I have been honest with her on the details I dont want to  hear and she's respecting that so far.  I don't wish her the pain of infertility, but I wish that on no one. 

Desperation

   OK, I've never been accussed of not being outspoken, and odviously I have my opinions on certain things in life especially when I've gone through them myself.  I tend to get super outspoken when somone makes a mockery of what I've gone through or will be going through. This post is about a woman my age who CHOSE to have her embryos frozen for later on in life so she can afford to have children. Now, she chose to do this. Its her choice, her money etc. Come what may, she might possibly have children from this expensive procedure. Its  not so much she did this as much as it is the word choice she used about infertile women having IVF. She referred to it as "Desperation IVF." CHOKE, GASP, SCREAM, YELL!!  Ay YI YI... could this woman not be MORE uninformed. Then she goes off to spout all sorts of "factoids" etc. All the while trying to make herself sound like some sort of "fertile hero." 

FIRST and FOREMOST I, nor any other woman who needs fertility treatments is DESPERATE!!! We, desperatly want a child, but we are not desperate people.  Heartbroken, sad, confused, forgotten and living on hope through medical procedures is what we are, but to falsify and say we are desperate is a huge insult. Its as if we CHOSE this. Her cost of 71,000 (cough cough) for IVF is wrong. I don't know where she pulled that FROM.  Also, IVF isn't JUST needed because of age. Some of us are blessed to have Severe Male Factor Infertility making this our only option for a biological child.

So, if you can read this article without flames coming out your ears I encourage you to do so and make a comment to correct her. She is flamboyant in her attitude, so say what you wish.

ICWL and Fertility Authority

ICWL for July.

I now have my blog linked to Fertilityauthority.com. This is a great resource for families struggling with infertility. It discusses the emotions that a person deals with along with infertility and has SO many great resources. This site has grown so much in the past year. Their goal, like mine is to get the word out about Infertility and to give people resources that people need. You may have just gotten started on this rollercoaster with no idea of where to turn or you may be an old veteran (like me).  I strongly urge you to check it out. It really is different from any site I have seen. I first learned of this site through Conceive This as she wrote for them as well. 

My blog started as a way to vent about my day. I wasn't too certain I would make it an Infertility blog as it is a personal experience, but at that point my husband and I had gone through this for 5 years and if I heard "If you just relax" one more time I was going to scream! So, I did a LOT more reading of blogs than writing.  I have found them much more resourceful than my own doctor. My doctor can't provide me the emotional support that others who are going through this can.

We have not done IVF as we can't afford it due to lack of insurance coverage. I know we are not alone in this. Our medical issues are PCOS,blocked tube and my husband has a severe varicocile (recent surgery for this). I blog about the emotional issues, possible adoption ( I waver daily on this one), and life in general.

I feel it is important to have our feelings validated. If your upset.. be upset. If your jealous and feel guilty about that. Thats OK too.  I've been there. Its NOT a fun place to be.  I hope you will find my blog interesting and helpful.

What a month

Since I last wrote...
My sis got married, my grandmother was put in ICU, and I held a newborn baby.

I KNOW RIGHT????

My sis got married. I did face this with a little unease as I knew I would get the "when are you going to have a baby?" question. Of course I DID get that question... THREE times. I just said, "Eventually." I also got the "When you finally accept it and relax do you think you'll get pregnant?" Comment. REALLY?? I mean REALLY?? After seven years I'm still getting those lovely comments. Kill.me.now. How I would LOVE to educate the general public about the reality of infertility.  Now, my brain wanted to strangle said person, but I just stated our difficulties.

My grandmother is in the hosptial. I got to see her, and that made me super happy. She is the best person I know and I feel like everyone needs someone like her in their lives. In my mind, she is near perfect. I know I'm a little bias, but I know many who know her would agree. This is where infertility saddens me again. I want my children to know this wonderful person. I hope that her illness is temporary and she gets better while we have her with us for another 10 years!!!

Finally, I, held. a. baby. Now, when a fertile person holds a baby they don't get "looks." When a known infertile holds one they get "looks." I can't explain it. Its either fear that I'm going to breakdown emotionally or find a back door somewhere and run off with said baby in my arms. I'm proud to say neither of those happened. Thank.you.very.much. I did not end up on the national news. However, this baby is in foster care. I can't say much more of the situation, but I believe they found a family for her. 

So, we had a wedding, an illness and I did not have an emotional breakdown!! NICE.

What IF

This is a project that I feel like is amazing. It was started by Melissa Ford Author of Navigating the Land Of IF (Infertility). The essentials of this project are to write a "What IF" about Infertility and how its affected my life.  This past week was National Infertility Awareness Week or (NIAW) and this week always gives me hope that our voices are getting out. First of all, 7.3 MILLION Amerians are affected by Infertility. The sad part is that it is horribly underfunded for research and so much lack of education among non infertilies about the topic.  Infertility has affected me for the past nearly seven years.  Its made me who I am today and taken me emotionally places that others from the outside looking in would think are irrational.    Ive cried tears when I should be jumping for joy for another person. I've learned to cope in the way that is best for me, and I've certaintly learned the Ultmiate LIFE IS NOT FAIR rule of life. 

So, My first What IF is:  What IF I had gotten pregnant on my wedding night like I had planned nearly seven years ago??   There was something so innocent about who I was then as a newlywed and def something very freeing about throwing away the birth control.  Seeing baby carriages gave me much hope and just knowing we were "trying" brought a smile to my face. 

What IF:  My heart can't take anymore? We can't afford fertility treatments needed so all around me people are getting pregnant and I'm seeing people go forward with their lives. My heart melts when this happens while we still feel stuck.

What IF: I have to face more holidays and me getting yet another year older without children?  Last Chirstmas was horrible for me emotionally and this Easter wasn't much better. Seeing other people's children open presents and celebrate is tough even if its your own family.

What IF: We had coverage for infetility on our insurance?  I wouldn't feel like there was a ticking time bomb in my uterus.  Seven years ago we had all the time in the world (age 24) and I didnt' feel as rushed. As I near 31 its ticking away loudly. I wanted two children by 30. That was the plan. I did not want to be an older mother.

What IF: I never  look in my child's eyes and see my husband's. My husband has the most amazing eyes. His eyes show every emotion he feels.  My husband has amazed me so much in the past seven years. He's changed, I've changed and when I seem him with a child in his arms all it does it make me want one more.  His eyes can take away any pain I'm feeling.

What IF: In protecting myself emotinally I alienate every person I ever knew, my family and my friends.  We have decided not to visit family for a while and for Christmas we are having our own.
When its FINALLY my turn (hopefully sooner rather than later) will people be happy for me or roll their eyes?

What IF: I never get to decorate a nursery or get stretch marks and complain about fatigue and nasuea? Yes, I REALLY want all those things.

What IF: The only thing I get from my "monthly gift" is cramps and no baby.  I feel women are designed to have children. Its stated many times in the bible along with God's understanding of the pain of infertility.

Now for my positive "WHAT IF"
What IF: EVERYONE "GOT IT" they understood the reality of infertility and didn't make insensitive remarks or judge us for the path we may take and others saw IF as the real life crisis that it truly is. We'd no longer be seen as selfish or irrational  for wanting children. We'd have the inrusance coverage we so desperatley need, the emotional support from family, friends and bosses.  There wouldn't be "OH how sad Why dont' you just adopt." As if their desire to become pregnant was the only one that mattered.


Infertility is not cut and dry. Its NOT new. Its been around since the beginning of time. There is real pain involved.  Its tough to see other people take their fertility for granted.

www.resolve.org/infertility101

Well.. i just can't please everyone

We went to visit family this Easter. KIDS everyone including one newborn.  I didn't oogle over it. I didn't really get around it or compliment the parents (sis in law)  on their amazing procreating skills. I pretty much said NOTHING. I do this for totally selfish reasons. I figure one, they  have heard PLENTY of oogling and ahhas that mine won't really matter and sometimes it just hurts to see a newborn. They are always reminders of what I dont have. This couple has lost one already and she was the only one I was OK with with being pregnant.  I've oogled over my share of babies in my time. I refuse.  I sat by the kid. I didnt pick him up. I didnt want to. I removed myself from the situation as best as I could. So, be pissed I didnt hold your kid because if that makes you upset you couldn't walk a DAY  in my shoes.

Dr. appts

So..
My husband had his surgery for his varicocile. The Dr is optimistic. FAR more than me. Sorry, but six years of this kinda will do that to a person. The doctor did get two vials to freeze (for IVF if needed) and they are healthy!!! One small victory.  We will know in 6 to nine months the optimal results. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, but I really want it to work naturally. For so long I knew there was NO chance of us getting pregnant naturally due to my husband's issues, but now there MAY be a chance even a small one and I'm hoping I don't get pulled back in to that "What if" each month.  There is zero percent motility before the surgery, and I don't expect the surgery to fix that. Had there been SOME movement I would be much more optimistic.  Infertility is such a hope filled and drained world.  So, I'm trying NOT to get my hopes up. I'd be BEYOND THRILLED if this surgery fixed all, but again, I'm not expectinig it to.

ABCs of me

A – Age: 30


B – Bed size: Queen

C – Chore you hate: Putting away clean laundry

D – DH's height: 6' 0"

E – Essential start to your day item(s): flat iron
F – Favorite color: red

G – Gold or Silver: Silver

H – Height: 5′ 6″

I – Instruments you play(ed): piano, clarinet(bad geek I know)

J – Job title:Teacher

K – Kisses or hugs: Hugs.. cause hubby wouldn't like it if I went around kissing everyone.

L – Living arrangements: One bedroom townhome we are QUICKLY outgrowing, but the rent hasn't gone up in years.

M – Mood: lethargic

N – Nicknames: JJ. jay, amie-Jay, j-bear

O – Overnight hospital stays other than birth: surgeries when I was younger, eye surgery, ovarian cyst removed

P – Pet Peeves: smacking on food, forks clinking against teeth.
Q – Quote from a movie: 

R – Right or left handed: Right and sometimes I use my left.

S – Siblings: One sister - 2 brothers

T – Time you wake up: 6:00

U- Underwear: Victoria Secret!!! OMG SALES

V – Vegetable you dislike: those little baby corn thingies that go in salads, hominy, boiled spinach.

W – Ways you run late: packing lunch, forgetting cell phone

X – X-rays you’ve had: stomach, back, toe, and of course the fun ultrasounds (if that counts)

Y – Yummy food you make: Sausage and peppers(MESSY as hell, but SOO good), if I want to kill my diet Chocolate Eclair Cake.

Z – Zoo favorite: Koala Bears



What are the ABCs of you?

marriage

I'm taking my time to reflect on my marriage. I feel as infertilty has defined it. We have lost a lot in the mess. I can't explain it, but I need to reevaluate what I want in my marriage. I'm confused about so much right now. What route do we go to become parents?? Do we buy a house? Do we not buy a house?? I don't know what to do. These are decisions that should be easy, but aren't.

decisions

I can't make a decision for the life of me.I just can't!! You should of seen me picking colleges!!! I was bound and determined NOT to attend the same college my family had attended. My mom had mentioned the one I eventually ended up attending  early in my Senior year  and I rolled my eyes at her. WHY? It HAD to be MY decision. I applied all over the state. If you know my state you  know its huge. May of my Senior year my parents deemed every weekend "Find Jamie a college weekend." FUN RIGHT?? Well, one weekend we went to the college my mom had suggested to me and guess what?? I FELL in LOVE the second I walked on campus. My parents were relieved I think, and happily wrote a check for the deposit on my apartment. I was a happy camper.

The same went for dating,scheduling, jobs and everything else since then. As far as infertility goes I've been all over the place. First, it was an unexpected thing to deal with. There are no rules on how to handle it and its just different. Not a good different either.  I want it all to be easy. I want to KNOW what will happen in the future. To be honest money is my main reason for not going further, and I'm certain I'm not alone in this.  Family will help with adoption, but infertility treatments we are on our own. I can understand that. Its a gamble. $14,000 a try gamble.

Not to mention, I want my family stable. I get very anxious if I feel financially out of it.  I would hate to try IVF and have it not work only to be depleted of everything we had making us uneligible to adopt. I'd rather have that money in savings if I had it available to me. Not to mention, its simply money we don't have. End of Story. 

To think I'm the major financial decision maker in the family!!! Ah yi yi.

Profiles

One thing I know about the adoption process is there is a profile involved. My parents did one of sorts back in the day when they adopted me. It was much more of an album thrown together showing the family, pets and all.  However, I've been looking online at profiles and one particular website had me rolling my eyes. I kid you not someone had on their first paragraph that the child's college education would be fully funded!! 

 Financial stability is important and being so certain that the child has a fully funded college education is something to be proud of for certain, however I'm not too certain if thats the MAIN thing biological mom's are looking for in potential parents.  I know of a particular situation where the parents had more than enough money (millions)  and adopted like 6 children and ended up being very snotty and cruel to their adopted children. So, I think I'm finding out what not to put on your profile more than what to put on it. On the opposite end there are some neat ones that I would like to steal ideas from as well.

As far as adopton goes. I have found out this past week alone that THREE of my friends are looking in to adoption. Two of them because of infertility(one had already gone through treatments and did not want to take any more chances again as her pregnany was very rough) the other claims she's "allergic" to babies and likes them at about one and half or older.  Another friend of mine is working on Foster/Adopt. Its really amazing how much of my life is surrounded around adoption. 

Connections

I recently lost quite a bit of weight. This was huge to me because FINALLY I was getting my body to do what I wanted it to. Shopping for clothes is fun now. I no longer dread going shopping only to see I will be wearing a size higher than I wore a few months before that.  The weight loss journey is FUN eventually. It was always a goal of how much more can I lose. However, when I go shopping I see clothes that use to fit and say, "Hey this looks like my size" only to check it out and see its the size I use to wear.  Now, before you say I have body image distortion or something like that there is a total mind change when you lose weight and you find yourself going back to what you use to be. When someone who doesn't know about my weight loss says, "but your so thin" when I rethink ordering fattening food or some other situation. I do tell them I was 50 pounds more than this. I don't think its fair for others to feel as if I'm being condesending to them by being cautious.  Normally people ask how and I tell them. No magic pills, no surgery,just W.W and excersise. I want people to know its not easy, but THEY can do it to. I LOVE seeing people lose weight now because I know what it took them to get their and the mindset you have to change.

 I wonder if that is the same with Infertility. I mean heck I don't remember my mind frame before it. Whatever choice we make Adoption or pursing fertility treatments I would like to think that I would let people know about our journey not complete details of course. I feel through this I have learned a lot about myself, my marriage and how I will parent a child. Will I go back to enjoying showers, being OK with pregnancy announcements (I have heard EIGHT in the past month or so.. thank you Facebook), or other things???

House

My hubby and I have found a house we like. We SO need to buy one. Its a decent price. One of the reasons we  have not bought one is due to the fact we always say "Well, what if we get jobs somewhere else?" We've said this for the last five years!!!! The house is not anything spectacular, but is in a good area and is good for starting a family. So, I'll be keeping this updated on that. 

Waiting

My husband has varicocile repair on the 9th of March. I'm ready, and I know he is as well. He will be sore and need lots of TLC. I know we need to take this one step at a time and my husband won't even let me talk about what will happen if it doesn't work. However, my mind can't help but go there because not only does he have a varicocile, but I have PCOS and a blocked tube. This is another added factor. So, I feel like we are waiting to make decisions again. However, these steps are far more than what we have been doing the last few years, which is nothing. 

So, while we wait I hear more pregnancy announcements. Some I actually roll my eyes at and others I cry about.   One eye roll one is my ex sister in law (now 40 with an 18 and 10 year old daughters) who is remarried and is pregnant. Its really not known by all now, but thats the second sister in law(age 40)  that I have that is pregnant.  They needed no help to get pregnant and I'm pretty certain both were just accidental. These are a slap in the face.  Most women that age struggle to get pregnant.

Its frustrating to see people get this so easily.  Maybe they take it for granted more.

???

If a MAN can do it why can't I??? What in the world?? This is just GROSS.

http://specials.msn.com/A-List/Second-pregnant-man.aspx?cp-searchtext=second%20pregnant%20man

10 years ago

This post will not be about infertility at ALL.  10 years ago on January 26th I lost a good friend to sucicide.  Each year on this date I hurt.. deeply. I hate thist time of year. Blake and I had dated the Summer before, but the relationship did not last due largely in part to his depression.  I remember crying because I couldn't help him and trying to reach out to him, but its tough to reach out to someone who doesn't want to be reached by anyone.   We did remain friends though. There are things I will not forget about him. We found a common bond as we were from towns close to each other.  He was tall, dark skin and so good looking.  These things alone odviously can't prevent a person from being depressed.

That time in my life his suicide was the worst hurt I had endured.  I will never forget the moment I found out he died (at a party). I was sick all night and I couldn't sleep. The following weeks were a painful blur. I went to his memorial and did what I needed to do to go on. I didn't date afterwards for a while because I didn't think it would be fair to anyone to have to deal with my emotions. I could cry at the drop of a hat at certain songs.   I know how much I was hurting, so I can't even fathom how much his family was hurting.

I think it was at that time my outlook on life changed. First, you can't look at someone and realized they are depressed. Second,  you can't forgo your own personal emotional well being to help others. Last, God is HUGE in our lives. Faith is so important. I remember READING and READING the Bible looking for what it said about suicide and what happened to you after you died. I found nothing.  I remember comments from people telling me "He went to Hell."  THAT HURT!!!!  I prayed constantly for him and still do. That is all I can do for him. When someone dies in a car wreck you have the comfort they are in a better place and with suicide you don't. I'd like to think that God judges you based on how you lived, not how you died.   I immersed myself in my school work, and as a result had an awesome GPA that semester. 

The pain has greatly subsided, but the memories of him are still there. I can go for a LONG time not thinking about him. I've gotten married, graduated from college, moved and planned to have children since then. However, I do have days where I just HURT all day and can't stop thinking about him. The first two years afterwards those days happened often, now they happen rarely except on the anniversary of his death.  Certain songs from that time bring me back and I simply have to change the radio or torture myself and listen to them.  

Depression is not a joke. What may seem trivial to you can be the breaking point for somone else.

We have progress...SORTA

Friday my husband was set up for a test called SVA (Seminal Vesicle Aspiration). Basically, the doc inserted a needle up his butt and took a sample from his tubes. The purpose was to see if there was any blockage. The procedure sucked, but there is no blockage. Not to mention we got results from past tests that he took in December. His DNA looks good along with his sperm production hormone. He does have a severe varicocile on his left side and a small one on his right. So, next month he will be having surgery to reverse these. At this time he will also have a tesicular biopsy to see if any good swimmers are in there to use for IVF. The varicocile repair will serve two purposes. It will reduce pain he has been having and it will increase sperm count and hopefully quality. So, this is a one step at a time thing.  His count was 1 million with no swimming. SUCKS!!!! I know there is little the can do for motility from zero.  If there was some swimming it would be different.

What we find at the biopsy will lead us to more questions. What do we do if we can't use hubby's sperm??? Do we use a donor??? Do we TELL people if we use a donor??? I look in my husband's amazing eyes and I can't imagine having a baby with anyone else BUT him. The man has BEAUTIFUL blue eyes. I use to say it was all or none.  I use to say I know what we would do. We would adopt if the only option was sperm donor (if it was egg donor we would use my sister's since we are identical twins), but as with so many things its not cut and dry.  I'm thankful we have a great doctor who knows his stuff.  When he asked if we would do IVF I think he was prepared for us to be leary.  Odviously, we aren't. 

On the emotional aspect of this. I wonder in the end if we do IVF and it fails will it all be worth it. Its costly emotionally and financially. Will I still see it as an "I want to at least TRY for our own?" or have I reached my personal emotional breaking point?? Has time lost (6 and half years) in of it self been my personal burden, not fertility treatments, and should be move forth with adoption?  Had we tested my husband this extensively one year after trying I would be jumping on the IVF rollercoaster in the front seat, hands up in the air for the added thrill. Now, I've changed as a person.   I feel I've grown and been given much more time to think, pray and reflect.  I wish I could see in the future.. I wish I knew what would happen with each path we could take.  Time and lack of insurance coverage has given me way too much time to think.  I wish it was siimple for us and these weren't things we knew. I wish I was as clueless about all this, but I'm not. 

I'm envious of those with insurance coverage for all of this. It simply would make my decision much more easier. It just would. 

Haiti

I believe it was a mere week or so ago I said to my husband, "If we adopt I want to do Domestic Adoption."  Well, since this earthquake my mind may have shifted just a tad.  I don't know if watching all the coverage is making me REALLY want to adopt a baby from Haiti or what.  Right after the earthquake I didn't think "OH HOW SAD!!!" I thought "WOW.. there will be a ton of orphans." YEAH, I know totally selfish. Now, don't get me wrong I do think this earthquake is horrible and feel deeply for those people as they are losing all of what they had. 

So, I did a pre app for an agency that works with Haiti. One thing I am concerned about is we will not be able to match since we haven't been married 10 years. I am hoping maybe the requirements will be changed given the situation.  With this one agency the apps have increased by 300% this week alone. At this time its chaos and they don't want to give children up for adoption who have families that are alive.  So, the next few weeks will tell quite a bit. I think they are trying to rush the adoption process in this situation. At least that is their main goal as it USE to take a mere few months to identify a child. The time between identification and placement was about 18-24 months.

I've just about become fed up with the Infertility doctors. It seems that one step forward is just one step back. We do have appointments set up for MORE diagnositc  procedures to be done, and we will keep them. Answers are important to me.  However, with as much money that we have paid I expect better service. My husband and  I are starting to feel like more of a Science project as a couple. I know this is a common feeling, but its so impersonal. 

I am keeping my eyes peeled on the news about this. I am also following this blog that REALLY seems to be on the Up and up about all this for totally clueless people like me.

Ignorance

I know there is a lot of ignorance towards infertility. Most people don't "get it." However, I did not realize the ignorance towards adoption.  I was sitting with a group of people the other day and someone made a comment that they had 3 boys and were not having anymore(due to having a tubal ligation) because she wouldn't spend the 10,000 to reverse it. I don't blame her, but its what she said afterwards and people's responses to it that made me realize most don't get adoption either.   She said "I'll just go to China and get myself a little girl." Now, I'm fully aware she was probably joking. I asked her if she had $27,000? Then another lady piped up and said, "I thought it was $5000."  WHAT?? 

 Its not like I am looking at China adoption. I'm not. We simply don't qualify.  Neither do MANY others. To many adoption is Black and white. In their eyes it is simple.  Just like infertility, from the outside looking in it looks simple, however both are difficult in their own right from the day you make your decision until the wait after the paperwork.

book

I saw this and had to post it.  I am going to have to buy this book from Amazon.  I feel like it is important to sort through these things and defenintley have felt all of this at one time or another in the past 6 and half years.  Some people I know can go straight to adoption without taking a detour through fertility treatments.  I can understand why.  The adoption route may hold more certainty than the treatment route.  I'm glad a book about adoption brought up these aspects of not having your own children. As I have said before Adoption for an infertile couple is Ultimate acceptance of your situation.
In her book ADOPTING: Sound Choices, Strong Families, Patricia Irwin Johnston goes through 6 significant losses related to infertility.

The Losses (in no particular order):


The Loss of Control Over Many Aspects Of Life (sex life-treatments, when/where to move, when/if to change jobs, what size of car to buy because next month could be "the" month, etc.). We put off A LOT "just in case" we had a baby. We put off my husbands school, moving, buying a home(probably not the smartest choice to put off) and other things because of it.  We won't get in to too many details on the sex life affects, but yes there has been an affect. We have decided our next car will be an SUV.. baby or no baby. We need more room.  Instead of arguing over how to care for a baby we have an added hurdle to endure.  We have argued about how we will produce a child.  If we can go have a baby like everyone else our lives would be different. Our concerns would be different.  Heck, the money factor alone is enough to make you feel like you've lost total control. Diangnosis ALONE we've already spent over 2000 out of pocket for he and I. This is WITH insurance. I'm paying a massive amount of money to do what 90% of people do for free. I think thats one of my biggest beefs with infertility is the dang cost. We would probably have a family by now, but thanks to the costs time has snuck on by.


The Loss of Genetic Continuity, Linking Past and Future (breaking your family blood line, no mini-me, etc.) I have thought about this a lot lately.   If we had a genetic child that child would be blood related to my sister and I only not anyone else in my family.  However, with my husband it would of course be genetically related to his.  I've thought about this if we had to use donor eggs or sperm. I'd hate to lose his genetics more than mine.   Not to mention when the baby is born people automatically look for similarities in the parents. That is fun to do.  My husband looks JUST like his grandfather did when he was younger and at times he looks a lot like his father. I know what my biological family looks like and I look like my Aunt and mom.  Thats the first stuff I wanted to know besides medical when I found my biolgical family. Who do I LOOK like??? Plus...we looked similar as babies and I would love to see if our baby will look the same.

The Loss ofChild With A Beloved Partner (seeing the combo of you and your mate, bonding your families together, etc.)  This is touched upon in the perviouis part. 


The Loss of the Physical Satisfaction of Pregnancy and Birth (the ultimate expression of femininity or masculinity, finally feeling like an "adult", not experiencing baby kicks/hiccups/contractions/labor, etc.) No one can tell me "Well, pregnancy is not THAT great." My mom had some problems during one of her pregnancies and she still talks about it 40 years later. It was a very important part of her life.  This is one of the reasons women will go to the ends of the earth to get pregnant.  One thing that makes us OK with going through stuff each month is, "Well, one day I'll have a baby out of if."  Who doesn't want to feel their baby kick??? If we adopted we would hear from someone else how the child was behaving while she was pregnant. Hearing and experiencing are two different things even if it includes stretch marks.

The Loss of the Emotional Gratification Of Pregnancy and Birth (bonding experience with baby/spouse/friends/family, feeling pampered/cared for/protected by others, finally succeeding, etc.)  OK..... I have to admit I am a tad selfish and I want to be pampered damnit!!!!   I have felt like it was "my turn" a LONG time ago. So talk about emotional gratification when it finally happens!!!! My mother in law once said to me, "I will spoil you when you get pregnant." This is when my sister in law was pregnant with baby number 2.  That stung. Now, she said this before our diangosis, so I can forgive that I guess. However, it did cross my mind. "What if I never get pregnant?" In the beginning of trying I would make plans on how I would tell my husband. I still have that plan and EVEN if we get pregnant through IVF I plan to use it in SOME way. I've had 6 and half years to perfect it. I also feel that its important to pamper adoptive moms to be as well. There is a Paper Pregnant shower that is the coolest idea.  Its to get a little bit of the pampering that pregnant women get that we may never receive, even if its only for a few hours.  I also feel like baby showers are VERY important for people who are adopting. The baby may be at its own shower. Throw an adoptive parent the EXACT showers you would throw them if they were physically pregnant.   The games may be a tad different. I was at a New Year's Party last year and there was a group of moms there. They were sitting there talking about their children, pregnancies and everything else. Everyone who wasn't parents(VERY few by the way) were at the other end of the room watching the ball drop. So, there is a bond among those who have been pregnant and parented. I wonder if we adopted how I would feel amongst a group of those mothers talking about their pregnancies. That would be a part I couldn't talk about.

The Loss of the Opportunity To Parent (considered a normal developmental life milestone, society standard commonality, where to channel those natural nurturing needs, etc.) Now this is what adoptive moms DO get. We get the ultimate job of parenting and raising a child that we will love. That is our ultimate goal.  I wonder at times if infertility keeps you from remembering your ultimate goal. There are reminders everywhere. However, you go through something for SO long and you forget why you were there in the first place.  I'm telling you six and half years is a LONG time (and we will probably be waiting even longer) when others wait only a few months. There is a huge difference in my mindframe from then and now,

Finally, On a side note. If we adopt it will not be because someone suggested it to us. It will be after other things have been resolved and spoken about between my husband and I.  I know some family members who will have an "I told you so smug attitude" if we adopt and end up with a baby. That will upset me more than being told to "just relax."  This is NOT a decision you make just because of a suggestion. 
I know everyone has different experiences with adoption and infertility. I always wonder what other people going through this feel. HOW can you go straight to adoption??? 

Friend

I logged on to Facebook Monday morning (yes, the root of all evil and pregnancy announcments) the other morning and I saw on someone's comments, "by the way congrats on the baby, babies are a blessing from God." OK... NORMALLY I roll my eyes and think "GOOD LORD these people are announcing this all over Facebook GAG me!!" Not on this one. This was a friend of mine who has been trying to get pregnant LONGER than me (Yes.. people who have been trying longer than 6 and half years DO exist and she was about to pull out a loan to do IVF).

SHE GOT PREGNANT the old fashion way.. you know the way they taught you in 6th Grade??? Yeah.. THAT way.
She has had 6 mediciated  IUI cycles (she's the one who told me about the lovely side effects of the medicine, thus scaring the crap out of me) and never got pregnant and all of a sudden things start working and BAM.

.I knew she had recently had Gastric Bypass surgery(her theory was since insurance won't cover my IVF I'm going to get SOMETHING out of them). So I texted her and asked her if she was pregnant. She responded "Yes, and I'm going to KILL my uncle for writing that."  (since then the post has been deleted).  She had only told family and wasn't actually planning announcing it on Facebook.. um ever. I  was truly happy for her. . I spoke with her last night and she said that she's still shocked and scared since she's only 6 weeks. She got pregnant naturally. Apparently losing the weight made her ovulate regularly and she got pregnant six months after that. How cool is that?? Oh.. I wish my situation was that simple, but according to my docs its not. Dangit!!!!!  So, we are praying this pregnancy sticks. I know she would be devestated if it doesn't.  These situations always give me hope for myself that pregnancy isn't as illusive and is a REAL thing not a bizarre happening that at this time is totally out of reach.

Nothing makes me want to be pregnant more than a pregnancy announcment though no matter what direction it comes from.  One day I can be all, "OK we will look in to adoption." Then I SWEAR the next day here come two or three pregnancy announcements. Its like taking a pregnancy test and the next day I get my period. FOOL PROOF way to get things going.

Oh on another note...You have to go to this site for some comic relief. The sad thing is most of this is true. I showed it to my mom and she felt sorry for me. I was like, "Are you kidding this is the thoughts that go through my head all the time?? Please don't feel sorry for me."

Christmas x2

To some people it may be comforting to hear what could be worse in life than your current situation. A soldier at war who has lost his legs may greive their loss of legs, but be thankful to God that they are alive. Does that make their reality of losing their legs anymore real or less painful. No. They still lost their ability to walk again. They have to grieve that loss. To tell them "Well, it could be worse," could fall on deaf ears because at that time its the worst thing they have to learn to live with.  By telling them this, the only person you made feel better was yourself.

The above situation is how I feel about comments made to me recently.  A few months ago I was given a pregnancy announcement, and I didn't take it well. This was IMMEDIATLEY followed by telling me that someone we knew had terminal cancer. The whole reasoning was to tell me this at that very moment was as to make me think, "you think you've got it bad this person will DIE." That's just not fair. It made me feel guilty for being upset about a pregnancy announcment.. I hate that because its like there is this imaginary scale of life experiences and which is more painful.  Its almost like people use these things as arsenals to minimize your situation and make you think, "Well, its not THAT bad" or "I'm overexaggerating." While in the end you feel like your feelings don't matter.

Another situation happened over Christmas when given another pregnancy announcement and I started crying in front of family.  Yes it was lovely. I hate that because it makes me SO vulnerable and its something usually only my hubby sees. Its something I don't want anyone else to see because they don't get it. However, you see a trend here of what sets me off.  This  person was not only cruel in their choice of words, but smug to say the least.  I felt they took my vulnerable state and rolled with it. This is one person I learned LONG AGO not to share anything with as she has a tendency to make it worse. She stated that after she had her child she couldn't have anymore due to a hysterecomy. So essentially this person was trying to make me feel guilty for being upset because they experienced something similar.  I'm not going to play the Pain Olympics, but there is a difference between 1 versus zero.  Then for what I felt was the ultimate low blow.. she brought up someone who had a baby die at 20 weeks about 3 years back. How cruel can you be???Do they think I'm that selfish to not think that losing a baby would horrible. I'm well aware that it is a reality and is one of my greatest fears as I know pregnancy does not always equal baby in the end.  They were pulling at straws to make me think other people have it worse. That works with.. NO ONE. Just as telling someone, "Well at least you could get pregnant" after multiple miscarriages doesn't work either.  The only thing this person succeeded in was making me want to hit them. I had to leave the house. 

  So, I decided to take this as a lesson learned.  When someoene is upset, let them be uspet. Don't compare YOUR pain or someone elses unfortunate life situations to theirs because its just not fair. No matter how small it may seem in your eyes. Its not at all in theirs.  Let them deal the way they know how.  I have learned when I hear pregnancy announcements I need my husband.  NO ONE ELSE!!!  I also can't be around the person giving the announcement. Nothing against them, but its how I cope. I have to be able to get away, cry, be upset, reasses and then come back. To made to feel guilty about how I've learned to deal with it is not fair.  I was not given that opportunity this Christmas. It was just thrown out there and I was not able to get away.  To mock my reaction is cruel.