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Wednesday, October 28, 2009

All better

Ok... put a band aid on my wound I'm all better now... sorta.
I feel better about my Sister-In-Law being pregnant. I have NO IOTA of a clue why I do, but I do.  Now, I'm not all up for hearing details about it, but I've come to the conclusion my anger won't make anything go away no matter how hard I try. I've officially diagnosed myself as bipolar on certain aspects in life. When I hear pregnancy announcements all I want to do is freak out and do fertility treatments.  Then, in time I chill out and thne lean towards adoption. This little war is so much fun in my head, let me tell you.  I read adoption blogs and think..  "WOW!" Then, I think of the reality.. The paperwork etc.  I do have to admit that earlier this year I started collecting photos and going to the scrapbooking store to make a family scrapbook.  I even found some cool adoption scrapbook pages. So, I have the stuff.   Has it gotten started yet??? HA. Those good intentions get you everytime. 

I think pouring yourself in to the process is what you have to do to get through the reality of it all.  I wish more people would give their babies up for adoption. This, of course is a selfish wish.  If we adopted, we would have to wait until we had something more than our one bedroom apartment. So, we probably wouldn't even get started on the process until next Summer. HOWEVER, this does give me time to get the scrapbook ready as it would take me 6 months to do it. I'm certain it takes others a month or so, but I did start collecting stuff back in January and February, so history proves this will take me a while.

Things I know IF we adopt (and tomorrow I could totally change my mind.  Told ya I'm bipolar about this).

1. I want an infant or a young baby.
2. I want a semi open or open adoption.
3. If I adopt once I'll probably adopt again.
4. NO if I adopt I will NOT get pregnant if I adopt. I can't scream that loudly enough. It won't happen. Thank. you. very. much. That happens to people who have unexplained infertility, and we are SO not unexplained.
5. We'd move closer to our families.

So, we'll see.

Monday, October 26, 2009


Yes... someone told me I was being selfish and reminded me that my sister in law didnt get pregnant to torture me.(DUH!!!) and God tells us to put others before ourselves.To give this person credit they did say it after they said, "I have no idea what you are going through."   I'm not mad at my Sister-In-Law. I'm mad at my own non working body and frustrated. Easy pregnancies are a harsh reminder of what I can't have.

First, I want to say.. I don't know what the rules are for emotional feelings with infertility.  I'm fully aware that others go through life crises too. They don't know the rules either.  I've prayed a lot, I 've done journaling, speaking with others going through this, and have done what I can to make myself better. That doesn't make me selfish. I've been told what I'm feeling is normal which is fine and dandy, but being called selfish hurts, but makes you reflect on why someone would say that. It might seem that infertility is all I think about. Its not. I eat, sleep, clean, pay bills and deal with other life stuff.  This is just a seven year long life crisis(didn't feel like one as much at first, but is sure does now)

However, I really thought about it because from the outside looking in I can totally see how I can be perceived that way. I mean I don't celebrate pregnancies, baby showers, and totally avoid maternity wards at all cost unless I have to go in them.  What this person doesn't realize is I use to LOVE to go look at the babies at the hospitals until just a few years ago even when dealing with infertility. It gave me hope. Kinda resparked my want/need for a child.  I would honestly celebrate pregnancy announcements and happily attend baby showers without putting on a fake face thinking, "One day it will be my turn and I'll be the one celebrating."  I would go to the baby isle and look at all the cute baby things. Now just walking anywhere near that isle hurts.  I didn't tell people for YEARS we were trying to get pregnant(you can do that when you get married young. People just think your waiting). So, I kept a lot hidden and faked a lot of smiles and it wore me out.  As time has gone on I guess you can say I've beome more cynical to the idea.  My mom was talking about baby names if it was a boy or a girl and I just couldn't do it. All I said was "mhm." I guess I'm not at that point yet with this. 

As far as putting others before ourselves. I couldn't agree more. However, do I sacrafice myself for the sake of someone else? No. On that note,  I truly hope that I can get to the point that I will be happy to have a new neice or nephew.  It won't be this kids fault I can't have one. I don't want to speak to my Sister-in-Law because she will try to comfort me and I don't need that from her.

Everyone is different. I had a infertile coworker who attended all the showers(heck she PLANNED THEM), births and anything baby related, but I know she's hurting deeply.  I think she does it for the same reason I use to attend them.

I call it Self Preservation. I need my freak out moments. I need to feel whatever it is I'm feeling at that moment. You can't deny yourself your emotions. I've learned that. My emotions have taken me totally by surprise. TOTALLY. I didn't expect to feel anything I have felt. I thought I'd truly be OK with not being able to have kids. Turns out I wasn't.

Saturday, October 24, 2009


Well, my new (one month of marriage) Sister in Law is pregnant. 12 weeks to be exact... HMMMM do the math. This is my brother's wife. Along with my OTHER sister in law being pregnant with her 3rd one on the other side of the family it makes for an emotional catastrophy for me. My mom called last night (shes known for weeks) and told my husband... I grabbed the phone and asked.. "WHOS PREGNANT???" No one had to tell me I could tell by their conversation that was what was going on. I LOST it. I cried for HOURS and am still amazed at the irony of it all. Statistically, I should have a baby by now. I'm 30 and started trying at 23. She's had 2 kids already. One of them has already had a baby herself. So.. this STUNG bad. I went to sleep last night with a huge headache and woke up so depressed. I got in the tub and tried to think about being happy because I'm getting another neice or nephew(the 12th one) and I couldn't. I just started crying everytime I tried to think of it. I don't know where I am emotionally right now. I know where I was last night, and it was a bad place, but now I honestly don't know. I just hurt. That simple. I use to pretend to be happy for people when they got pregnant. Now, it just takes too much emotional energy.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


As women we are conditioned to become mothers.  I don't care where you came from. We JUST are. Go look at any toy isle and you will find a babydoll with diapers and all the gear for a three year old to play with to prepare her for motherhood. Now, you won't find this in the boys isles!!!  We play house with our friends, put our doll in a stroller and keep them "fed." Growing up and "name" our future children as we talk with our friends. We talk of our future husbands and families and how we want to have 4 children 2 years apart. In Junior High we learn how "babies are made"(some learn before that). We eventually go on to High School and college, get married to someone we love to hopefully reach the goal we set for ourselves at the mere age of three. WOW... such high expectations of ourselves at such a young age.

Along with this Pregnancy is celebrated EVERYWHERE just look at the "Baby Bump"shirts and the baby clothes sections of stores. I mean its a huge market.  When a celebrity gets pregnant its news.  Its supposedly a wonderful experience. The most amazing feeling in the world. WHO wouldn't want that??

BUT>>>>What happens though when what we had engrained in us  growing up doesn't happen.?The birds and the bees don't work, Junior High Science fails us? We learned ALL about birth control. I don't think I saw the term IUI or IVF in my biology book. It all sounded so dang easy. Heck I was told I could get pregnant without even having sex(Someone explain that one to me).    Our emotions go out of wack... we have to rechange our thinking... join a new "world." The Fertile world is too painful and far to clueless to understand.  We simply GRIEVE... STRONGLY.. There is a name for this grief....

This is called  (def) Dis­en­fran­chised Grief: when the grief is con­nected with a loss which can­not be openly acknowl­edged, pub­licly mourned or socially sup­ported. In many cases of dis­en­fran­chised grief, the rela­tion­ship is not recog­nised, the loss is not recog­nised or the griever is not recog­nised. The loss of a child through infertility/ miscarriage is usu­ally a loss which can­not be openly acknowl­edged, which is why people often suf­fer in silence...people who have expe­ri­enced any type of loss often feel anger, guilt, sad­ness, depres­sion, hope­less­ness and numb­ness and that in cases of dis­en­fran­chised grief, these feel­ings can per­sist for a very long time. The lack of recog­ni­tion of their grief often results in them hold­ing on to it more tena­ciously than they might oth­er­wise have done.

Grief strongly needs to acknowledged as "right."  What one person may grieve another may not.  I feel embarassement, ridicule, and feelings of inadequacy leads to disenfranchised grief.  Grief needs an outlet. Some write, take photographs, make friends with others going through similar things and  others find strength in their Faith.  If one thing I have learned from my struggle with Infertility (and I've learned so many things) is I can't be afraid to feel what I'm feeling even if others "just don't get it" like my insurance company.  Each persons loss is different, but acknowledge it.

Monday, October 12, 2009

God's Plan

God's Plan and my plan a lot of times just don't mesh. I think at times he has to force his way to say "HELLO I"M HERE and in control you aren't." This happens with many things in life money, big purchases and odviously our "family planning" or lack there of. I've been following a blog of a local couple that had 6 children after having an IUI. Sadly, they just lost the 4th one. This couple also happened to be in the NY Times who is currently doing a segment(very bias) on fertility treatments.

People's response to their posting of losing their child are heartwrenching and some are just plain cruel. I don't know if I would be able to handle it. Thanks to the lovely artcile in the Times about IVF and multiples that I won't even waste my time adding a link to, the comments are painful. One just really stuck out in my head "It wasn't in God's plan for you to have children you were meant to be inferile."

Now, How the Heck does that person know what God had planned?? I'm just curious. Are they "all knowing?" Do they have a one on one deal with God?? If they know God's plan in my life please tell me because they seem to know someone else's. Odviously, this upsets me as this is a matter that I feel very strongly about, but again its not a chosen path. I think of Rachel in the bible who couldn't have children and others would speak down to her and treat her horribly. She was desperate to have a child and literally on her knees. To assume that times have changes is a radical assumption. The basic desire to have a child is strong, and thank goodness it is there or we would of stopped existing years ago. I know I probably need to learn to ignore such comments, but I feel a very strong need to stick up for those who can't defend themselves.

Monday, October 5, 2009


My husband got a job working with .... ME!!!!! It will be great to carpool and to have that time of the day together. These money issues have really been tough on us, and I am hoping that we can recover from it all in time to truly enjoy the holidays with each other. He graduates at the end of October and I am so happy and proud!!! Thank you for those who prayed for us:)