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Wednesday, April 29, 2009


OK... With a migraine and all yesterday I made a decision.
I chose Third Grade. There are a few reasons. One being I will get to keep my classroom (just found out this afternoon I won't be moving rooms). Another reason is that I will be Looping ( moving back up to the Fourth Grade with the kids) so I will be teaching 4th Grade the next year again. So, it's a change, but not a huge change. First Grade would of been a huge change. This will be a good decision. I get along with the 3rd Grade team just fine and I like them all. No problems at all. In the end it will be a good choice.

Monday, April 27, 2009


OK.. I am the most UNDECISIVE human that ever walked the planet. Just ask my husband he'll tell you so. Apparently next year our 4th Grade team will have one too many teachers and they need to move one of us to either First Grade or 3rd Grade OR go to another school and teach a 4th Grade opening there(that would be a HECK NO!!) So, we have to decide by tomorrow who is going where. ACCKK!! We have like one day notice. HUH?? Well, one team member has been at our grade level for a year and doesn't want to move. I don't blame her, who would want to learn the ropes over again for another grade level? Another has 20 years experience and is going no where and the other doesn't really want to move, but if need be she would take First. So, that leaves yours truly. It basically looks like I will be teaching Third next year.
I'm playing with the idea of First as I have taught it before, but I'd really have to rechange my frame of mind to First Grade again. I love the cutsey stuff in First, but they sure are little. There is also SO much growth in First. As far as being rewarding there is no doubt First Grade is that.
Third is their first year of the TAKS, but I feel I'd be pretty successful with this as I know what they should know for the upcoming year. DECISIONS DECISIONS!!!
I love the teachers on both the First and Third Grade teams. They are great to work with and are great people in general, so that's not even in my decision.
I hate having one day to make a decision, but I guess in a way it's a good thing because I'd just stew on it for a week and make it more complicated if I didn't!!!!
I don't really want to leave my team as we work well together and are all pretty good friends, so that sucks too, but I don't really have a problem getting along with other people either. Anyway... I'll update with my decision later.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

my job

OK... I'll be the First to say.. "I LOVE MY JOB!!!!" and no I'm apoligizing for saying that either. I've heard a few people lately apologize fore loving their jobs. I don't understand this at all. Why suffer for 25-30 years of your life just to "tolerate" your job? I'm a teacher there is stress in all sorts of directions with that (ESPECIALLY right before TAKS and other situations).

I think the reason that people feel guilty for loving their jobs may be that we are raised seeing people dread going to work everyday. Remember Office Space??? Not all jobs are like that, and I certaintly wouldn't want a job that was in an itty bitty cubical. That's not for me, but someone wants that job and I hope they enjoy it because I don't think I could stand dreading going in to work everyday. It would be miserable.

Those who are miserable at work find your hardest to either find something good in it or get another one!!! Those who aren't your doing yourself a disservice by not admitting that you are happy at it.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

sad/Easter... LONG:)

Easter went pretty well. We went to my husband's families house and my nieces and nephews went Easter Egg Hunting. We did this all on Saturday due to conflicting schedules etc, but it went very well. Tony and I even RAN in the mornings and I'm not a runner. I'm glad we did though!!!
We also invited Tony's best friend and his wife to join in on the fun.

Well, of course they are pregnant, because right now it's just the cool thing to be apparently. Neeless to say, I found out about their pregnancy RIGHT after I found out about 3 others. So, I didn't handle it very well, I was very concerned about how I would behave. I warned my husband and my Mother In Law that if I walk out I just needed to get away, and if I was going to have a break down please just let me be. No ones seen me have a break down except my husband and I didn't think that was the time or the place for someone else to witness this lovely scene.

Now, the PLUS side to this situation is that she tried for three years to get pregnant, but she got pregnant taking the same meds I am(Eventhough she's taking the same meds our situations are much different) so she's not exactly unsympathetic and won't tell me "Its not a race." I KNEW that wasn't going to happen. She's 13 weeks and cautiously optimistic. When she got there it was awkward and I kept myself busy in the kitchen while Tony entertained them in the dining room. THANK YOU!!!!! EVERY bit of support I have from Tony just makes us stronger.

So, I went in to the dining room when I was ready. It's so strange, I have no clue how I am going to react until the very moment I am faced with another pregnant person. I just know no matter what I didn't want to make them feel guilty. If that is possible. So, we sat down to eat and there was no discussion of the pregnancy. This is one of those lose lose situations really because OF course they are happy and want to talk about it, but given our situation they were kind enough not to rub it in.

I was relieved to realize I wasn't angry I just found myself extremely sad. I sat there during and after lunch in complete silence (which is NOT normal for me) and just thought about how lucky she got. (Even when my Sister -In-Law talked about how all these people in her family are pregnant I didn't flinch, however my pregnant friend looked at me I think expecting me to break down. I just hyperfocused on the trees outside.) She went through this and WON!!! She won't have to spend all the money she anticipated on spending on IVF!!! So, I was sad for me. What if that's NEVER me??? I honestly don't know if I can emotionally bear that. I really don't. I found myself wanting to ask her questions and finally did because I was curious. I know she was waiting for me to bring it up or not, kinda put the ball in my court. I slowly asked her how her family reacted and how she's feeling. She's not forgetting the struggle that got her there.

Who knows what will happen in the future with them, but Tony said I was awesome!!! Big sigh of relief. I of course do wish them the best and NEVER hope for bad things out of jealousy. EVER heard of Karma????

Saturday, April 4, 2009

validation of STRESS..

WELL... Here's proof I'm NOT going insane.. WHEW.... THIS EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.
Below is an excerpt from research done with inferility.............Here's an excerpt:

How does infertility cause stress ????

Infertility Causing StressResearch has shown that women undergoing treatment for infertility have a similar, and often higher, level of "stress" as women dealing with life-threatening illnesses such as cancer and heart disease. Infertile couples experience chronic ( long-term) stress each month, first hoping that they will conceive and then dealing with the disappointment if they do not.It is helpful to differentiate between external stress and internal stress; as well as stressors you can control and those which you cannot. Internal stress arises when you are not able to achieve the goals you set yourself while external stress is created by relatives, friends, and work pressures. Some stressors you can do nothing about – for example, the frustration you feel when your period starts. However, there are many others which you can control. As an example, many patients get upset when they are forced to wait in the doctor’s clinic. Waiting can be stressful, so do carry a book to read – while you cannot control the stressor, you can modify your response to it, and this helps to decrease your distress.Why is infertility stressful ?Why

Infertility is Stressful

When diagnosed with infertility, many couples feel helpless and no longer in control of their bodies or their life plan. Infertility can be a major crisis because the important life goal of parenthood is threatened. Most couples are accustomed to planning their lives and experience has shown them that if they work hard at something, they can achieve it. With infertility, this may not be the case!However, not all stress faced by infertile couples is emotional or psychological - infertility treatment can be physically stressful as well! Blood tests; injections; hysterosalpingograms, inseminations and surgery can be painful, awkward, and embarrassing.There is considerable financial stress too and this is especially acute for poor patients. Infertility treatment is expensive, and this represents a major hurdle. Many patients drop out of treatment because they cannot afford it, and this can be very hard to come to terms with, especially when they know they could have got pregnant, if only they could have afforded the treatment.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

I Feel like mouse on a sticky trap

Six years and we aren't any further. OMG.. SERIOUSLY!!! Truly, life's ultimate cruel joke. I know how these women in the bible felt when they couldn't become pregnant. FORGOTTEN!!!Some societies rule you as an outcast. While in America that doesn't happen as bad as other countries. There still is an ignorance toward infertility that I wish would go away. It's not chosen and I'm not uneducated and I gurantee you this had made me more Pro-Life than I ever thought I'd be. To say this has changed me and my outlook on life is an understatement. It's left me with unanswered questions.... WHY does an abortion cost $500 and IVF $10,000 per try not including drugs? Shouldn't it be the OTHER way around??? WHY does the government reward women who can have babies and can't afford to raise them with welfare checks and they don't pay a DIME in taxes because of their decuctions? WHY are infertiles well educated women AND men?? WHY can't people realize infertility is a disease and NOT a lifestyle choice(it has recently been declared a disability!!!) WHY can't insurance cover SOOO much more for so many who deserve it?? How can people be so cruel at times and shock the living daylights out of me??

Right now, and honestly in what seems like it's been forever I'm in total limbo. Not being able to go forward with having a family is like being stuck hense the title. I think with time it gets worse. I'd thought it'd get better, but the feelings change. I become more rushed, scared, imbittered and beaten down JUST because I can't SOLVE my problem. I've become someone I've never thought I'd be. I can go to the doctor a zillion times and get results and can do NOTHING about it. It's not like the possible result to our problem isn't there. It is, we just can't afford it. That alone kills me, and if we could afford it that doesn't gurantee it to work. This STILL doesn't keep me from wanting to go ahead with it. If I'd had this much determination in high school I'd of been Valedictorian!!! SO many unkowns!!!!

Those who don't have to endure any infertility treatments lack a certain understanding. While they can never truly understand, and I'm not evil enough to wish this on someone. It's a Handle With Care Situation." It's truly all encompassing. Every aspect of your life is controlled just for hope. Emotionally, I'm so erratic. Some days I'm O.K. others I'm a mess inside. Physically, I've found something I can control, so I've started working out and have lost weight. I've become my own psychologist and figured out pretty quickly I've done this because THIS I CAN control and since I wasn't getting pregnant and I felt like my body was controlling me I took over and had to control it. What I've noticed is I've never seen someone become an alcoholic over this, and infertility is the perfect formula for it if you ask me. However, us infertiles tend to treat our bodies pretty good and have been taking Pre-Natals for eons, drink very little and we DON'T smoke. We are prepared, let me tell ya!! We are the POSTER children on what you SHOULD DO!!!!

Financially.. that's a joke. We had a new insurance meeting the other day. Premiums went up. Did my insurance get BETTER?? Of course not. NO IVF coverage. However, they can diagnose it. Makes no sense if you ask me.

I remember the days before I even considered having children ,probably in high school I would see women on TV who had like 6 children at a time due to fertility treatments and I'd think "If they had faith they wouldn't need fertility treatments." GEEEEE... that was so ignorant!!! I'd see these women or hear stories and would think "That won't be me, I might have problems getting pregnant, but I won't need fertility treatments." YUP, I KNOW this is everyone's fear and when someone gets pregnant on their own they have to feel relief that "at least it's not me." I know I would feel this way if this was me, and I have in the past when I'd hear those stories. Just hearing those stories stressed me out. So, NEVER say "I'd never have fertility treatments." because you don't have ONE IOTA of a clue what you really would do when actually faced head on face to face with it. Many a couple has said that and has had to eat their words. It's very humbling to say the least.

We aren't any further than the day we were diagnosed, like a mouse on a stick trap. We are a complicated case. Still, though, I know what my end goal is. That's what keeps me going.