since my last post.

Wow... such craziness has occured since my last post.
I had the surgery. They had to remove my ovaries and tubes due to scar tissue. I also had a few complications. I had my bladder and bowel nicked.
I was on a low fiber diet and had a catheter for two weeks. You know those lovely bowel cleanses u have to do before abdominal surgery?? Do it!!! It saved me.
Then, 10 days after the surgery my incison got infected, and I had to be readmitted. Long story short, for the next 7 to 8 weeks I couldn't work because they had to reopen my incison and leave it open. Very eye opening and crazy. But.... I survived. Some people are not as fortunate and are fighting a much more difficult fight.
So, now I am dealing with menopause and hormone replacement.  Its fun stuff:(.  Through all this, I have been so impressed with my hubby who made every appointment and helped out with everything. I also don't think I could have had a more caring group of docs.  Super impressed doesnt even begin to cover it. I was almost in tears at my last appointment and wanted to say :"you care. You really care. Thank you soooo much."  I know that sounds miniscule, but I have never had a doc I feel 100 comfortable with that I can open up to.  I can tell my doc anything and not feel judged. Any question I ask isnt  dumb questions to him , and no arrogance. Ive had my share of rude arrogant docs. It drives me mad. I had an ovarian cyst removed over a decade ago, and that doc was great. Had we not moved, I would have made him my regular doc. The next doc had crappy nurses who laughed when they called with my husband's test results.  Then, we went to an RE here. I admired his knowledge,  but he was rushed, and I didn't feel cared for. I always left feeling broken. When I asked for some anti anxiety meds before Xmas because I was going to be around pregnant people he told me to be happy in the fact that I could drink and they couldnt. Did. Nothing.to.help.my anxiety.
 So, I feel like God brought these docs in to my life for peace of some sort.  I can't even think about the reality of never getting pregnant. I cant talk about it not even with my husband. I do all I can not to think about it.  They kept my uterus in because I guess it looked normal. So, with some creativity and my sister's eggs I could possibly get pregnant, but we  have no money to do such a thing. I deal with periods and hot flashes. We are working on balancing it all.  So, now that all the thoughts pouring out in any random order I don't know where this leads us. I'm drained emotionally, but feel blessed in others through all this.



 can tell anything to. This is the first one.

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I'm titling this "Blank" because I'm at a loss on how to present this, and I haven't blogged in ages. So, I guess here goes...

I went to my Gyno for a bladder infection about a week ago. It was hurting my abdomen when using the bathroom. In a twist, my reg doc wasn't available and I needed someone right then. I went in, peed ( to make sure I wasn't pregnant. Ha) and he did an exam( this doc was around my age , so I was hesitant . That went away when I realized how professional he was). He felt around my abdomen and sent me down to radiology for an ultrasound. I wasn't panicked . I've had one before . This one though, lasted a good 30 minutes. The tech asked when my last CT scan was (like a freaking decade ago) and then asked when my last hcg (tube check)was. Now, before I go on. I'm not dumb. I knew something was up with my biznass. I had cysts in the past, so I figured that's what she was seeing. No biggie. Well, until she turned the screen so I couldn't see my insides. Which I love looking at . Then, she turned the volume up. Odd. However , I was calm, cool and collected until she printed out the long stack of ultrasound pics saying,"stay there I'm going to ask the radiologist if these are enough pictures." Yeah, dark room, alone freak out time. "Enough pics of WHAT!???" Was what inside my brain said. So, I hyper focused on a pic on the wall.  Upon her return I was told I was good to go and headed back up to my docs office . The doc shared with me that my tubes suck and have to be removed . They are what's causing pain. I have ovarian cysts. Then, apparently I have a solid small tumor( not cyst like my other ones) with a blood supply on my tube. Both of these need to be removed. Tumor and tubes. He said Fallopian tube cancer is rare, but we have to biopsy it to 

be sure . Now, I'm a girl with previous abdominal surgery, so all stomach surgery is a big deal. If it's cancer, I have a total hysterectomy and go from there. 

I know there are people going through treatments now, and I don't know how they feel. I don't want to know. So , I'm praying this thing is benign and then I'm done with it.  What this means on the fertility front likely is no kids, no treatments.  Nada. 

 So, I went in for what I thought would be a z pack I left with the news I needed surgery . I want it done and over with. I meet with an Oncologist (didn't even know what one was til a year ago ) Thursday for Preop and surgery is the next Friday .