marriage

I'm taking my time to reflect on my marriage. I feel as infertilty has defined it. We have lost a lot in the mess. I can't explain it, but I need to reevaluate what I want in my marriage. I'm confused about so much right now. What route do we go to become parents?? Do we buy a house? Do we not buy a house?? I don't know what to do. These are decisions that should be easy, but aren't.

decisions

I can't make a decision for the life of me.I just can't!! You should of seen me picking colleges!!! I was bound and determined NOT to attend the same college my family had attended. My mom had mentioned the one I eventually ended up attending  early in my Senior year  and I rolled my eyes at her. WHY? It HAD to be MY decision. I applied all over the state. If you know my state you  know its huge. May of my Senior year my parents deemed every weekend "Find Jamie a college weekend." FUN RIGHT?? Well, one weekend we went to the college my mom had suggested to me and guess what?? I FELL in LOVE the second I walked on campus. My parents were relieved I think, and happily wrote a check for the deposit on my apartment. I was a happy camper.

The same went for dating,scheduling, jobs and everything else since then. As far as infertility goes I've been all over the place. First, it was an unexpected thing to deal with. There are no rules on how to handle it and its just different. Not a good different either.  I want it all to be easy. I want to KNOW what will happen in the future. To be honest money is my main reason for not going further, and I'm certain I'm not alone in this.  Family will help with adoption, but infertility treatments we are on our own. I can understand that. Its a gamble. $14,000 a try gamble.

Not to mention, I want my family stable. I get very anxious if I feel financially out of it.  I would hate to try IVF and have it not work only to be depleted of everything we had making us uneligible to adopt. I'd rather have that money in savings if I had it available to me. Not to mention, its simply money we don't have. End of Story. 

To think I'm the major financial decision maker in the family!!! Ah yi yi.

Profiles

One thing I know about the adoption process is there is a profile involved. My parents did one of sorts back in the day when they adopted me. It was much more of an album thrown together showing the family, pets and all.  However, I've been looking online at profiles and one particular website had me rolling my eyes. I kid you not someone had on their first paragraph that the child's college education would be fully funded!! 

 Financial stability is important and being so certain that the child has a fully funded college education is something to be proud of for certain, however I'm not too certain if thats the MAIN thing biological mom's are looking for in potential parents.  I know of a particular situation where the parents had more than enough money (millions)  and adopted like 6 children and ended up being very snotty and cruel to their adopted children. So, I think I'm finding out what not to put on your profile more than what to put on it. On the opposite end there are some neat ones that I would like to steal ideas from as well.

As far as adopton goes. I have found out this past week alone that THREE of my friends are looking in to adoption. Two of them because of infertility(one had already gone through treatments and did not want to take any more chances again as her pregnany was very rough) the other claims she's "allergic" to babies and likes them at about one and half or older.  Another friend of mine is working on Foster/Adopt. Its really amazing how much of my life is surrounded around adoption. 

Connections

I recently lost quite a bit of weight. This was huge to me because FINALLY I was getting my body to do what I wanted it to. Shopping for clothes is fun now. I no longer dread going shopping only to see I will be wearing a size higher than I wore a few months before that.  The weight loss journey is FUN eventually. It was always a goal of how much more can I lose. However, when I go shopping I see clothes that use to fit and say, "Hey this looks like my size" only to check it out and see its the size I use to wear.  Now, before you say I have body image distortion or something like that there is a total mind change when you lose weight and you find yourself going back to what you use to be. When someone who doesn't know about my weight loss says, "but your so thin" when I rethink ordering fattening food or some other situation. I do tell them I was 50 pounds more than this. I don't think its fair for others to feel as if I'm being condesending to them by being cautious.  Normally people ask how and I tell them. No magic pills, no surgery,just W.W and excersise. I want people to know its not easy, but THEY can do it to. I LOVE seeing people lose weight now because I know what it took them to get their and the mindset you have to change.

 I wonder if that is the same with Infertility. I mean heck I don't remember my mind frame before it. Whatever choice we make Adoption or pursing fertility treatments I would like to think that I would let people know about our journey not complete details of course. I feel through this I have learned a lot about myself, my marriage and how I will parent a child. Will I go back to enjoying showers, being OK with pregnancy announcements (I have heard EIGHT in the past month or so.. thank you Facebook), or other things???

House

My hubby and I have found a house we like. We SO need to buy one. Its a decent price. One of the reasons we  have not bought one is due to the fact we always say "Well, what if we get jobs somewhere else?" We've said this for the last five years!!!! The house is not anything spectacular, but is in a good area and is good for starting a family. So, I'll be keeping this updated on that.