Summer

I stuck to it!!! I'm not teaching Summer School or working on Curriculum this Summer. However, this Summer may be the one we need the money the most!! Tony's not working as much as in the past, but I guess we'll be OK. I just need my Summer.

WHY should I be happy for YOU???

I woke up in the middle of the night worrying about my brothers upcoming wedding. While I'm 

happy he's getting married again and is happy. I started worrying about their quick engagment and upcoming wedding. The wedding is June 13 and they probably got engaged about a month ago.  So, what was I worried about? I was worried they will spring up an "announcement" at the end of the reception. "Oh by the way we are expecting."  I was imagining my reaction which would be me walking out so I don't embarass the crap out of myself by crying or just throwing things. Heck I NEVER know how I'll react. Plus Tony(the one I cry to) won't be there and it'll make it sting worse. 

 This is a legitimate worry because it will be the first time I've met any of her family and they will from then on out see me as the bitch Sister in Law who walked out on her brother's wedding.  Now, as MUCH as I love my brother he's not the most sympathetic of humans (in all honesty my family is a little lacking in that department) and I can see him saying, "shes a grown up she'll get over it." So, I called my mom and my mom said "I hope she announces that." WHAT????  Since when was she OK with one of us being pregnant before we got married?? I then told her to get him to give me a heads up if she's pregnant because I want to know before hand so I don't make a fool of myself and I can prepare myself emotionally. 

I think others think I'm selfish, but I'm not at all.  In all honesty I'm thinking of them because I don't want to ruin it for them. My mom tells me to be happy for others who are pregnant and I use to be (when we were FIRST trying), but I can't be.  I finally said, "That's like telling a person who has cancer to be happy for all the healthy people." She laughs when I tell her I can't be happy and I won't be. Something I've learned is you can't tell people how to feel. It's difficult not to, but you can't. What they feel is what they feel. There are reasons behind it. 

So, WHY should I be happy for those who get what I want easily??  I'm not talking about money here.  In time I'd be O.K. with it I guess, but at first I'd be pretty upset. 

 While people say you can't compare your life to anyone else's in all honesty it's how I measure time.  Example: This couple has had 3 children(one starting Kinder) in the same time we've been trying for one" or "this couple has been able to afford IVF(or their amazing insurance covers it)  and got pregnant and are now on baby 2."  I know many who have, met, gotten married, had two kids in the time we've been trying for one. It's painful and this is why Infertility is a whole different world and they have to try and seperate themselves from the "Fertile world."  They can't POSSIBLY understand 100% what we're going through, and I don't need someone telling me to "be happy for someone else." It's been OUR turn for a long time it's not theirs.

Pouring salt in to a wound

I'm very frustrated with the audacity of some people.  My husband has an Ex (broke up in 2001) and she just had the AUDACITY and GUMPTION to e-mail me and tell me that one of her kids was his and he needs to step up instead of being a "dead beat dad." I honestly thought a dead beat dad was one who KNEW of their kids and then ran away, not one who had not a clue. However, this woman just poured salt in to a wound. ONE, the kid is not old enough to be his. TWO, it's not physically possible.  THREE this is not the first time she has said this. I won't go in to why they broke up, but it's a mess too.  I'm sickened and in awe that someone can say this.  I'm sorry she can't afford to raise her child. I'm sorry the REAL father of her child is the deadbeat because technically it's IMPOSSIBLE for my husband to be the father and if he WAS he wouldn't be a deadbeat.. THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!!

We are just one of those "lucky" couples who have severe male feritlity and female infertility.  

This just hurts so bad because this person (who I will not make any judgements about on this blog) does not know our situation and I will not give her the knowledge.  She is throwing something in OUR face that she has (by another man) and claiming that my husband is a DeadBeat. HOW DARE HER???????  I'm so angry right now.  

If I had a child I wouldn't use it as a pawn.  I wouldn't tell a man or his WIFE of six years that the child is his as a downright LIE. That's just sick.  Why do these kind of people have children so easily and not appreciate them? This is for certain in the "not fair" category of life.  

Yeah I said it.. Sue me

I follow message boards for infertility and normally they are a very productive place to vent. Everyone going through the same thing.  I find it helpful to only talk to women in my age group because we can't get pregnant due to medical issues, NOT our age.  There is difference. Now, if I wait too much longer to do IVF age will be a factor.  Well, one woman who  is about to turn 44 just went to the fertility doc for the first time(after getting off the pill at 38 thinking she had all the time in the world ) and was SHOCKED to find out she had basically run out of time. WHAT?? So, I commented and said, "I'm FLOORED that your suprised you can't get pregnant."  HELLO???? I know women are having babies later.. blah blah blah, but what people don't realize is that is due to fertility treatments a lot of the time. Anyway, the comment didn't go over so well (suprise suprise) which I kind of figured it wouldn't. These women said that they didn't have the education about biological clocks back then(TOTAL B.S because my mom told me). I think they just thought it would "never happen to me."  So, THIS is why I only talk to women my age. The older ones are bitter because they technically waited to long. THe younger ones are bitter because they followed the rules and it's not working. The two don't mix. 

going forward

OK. I"ve expressed my extreme frustration with the fact we just CAN'T go forward with fertility treatments( due to financial constraints). Well, we've decided to go natural!!! I know strange huh since we've beeen "going natural" for oh, six years. I don't mean no condom(TMI I KNOW.. but when it comes to this there is no such thing), I mean herbal. We are going to try supplements. Heck, I might even do accupuncture. WHY??? Well, I need to feel like I'm doing something. Will it work??? Who knows.
Of course I want it to work, and I've heard many stories about going herbal working. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, but what excites me is that I'm doing something.
This is all kinds of emotional, and not being able to fix this is like saying "OK, you have cancer, and we have the treatment that has a pretty good chance of working, but the older you get the less chance it will be effective, but you can't have it because you can't afford it."
Like I said earlier, infertility diagnosis is just as stressful as cancer. I can see how. So many unanswered questions and one step forward can just be as easy as one step back. Oh, I've made another promise to myself. I'm getting all the toxic people out of my life. It's tough, but if they aren't going to be supportive to me (all I need is a "I'm thinking about you) like saying "It's not a contest" or telling me how to run my life. I need them out for now. I need to be as positive as I'm able to be in what has been handed to me and I don't need ignorance to keep me down.
So, pray for me that this works:) Thanks!!!