Why Don't You "JUST ADOPT?"""

OK.. the above words are very painful and very loaded words. They basically say.. "get over how you feel and just get a non biological child." I have had this said to me numerous times. They can hurt deeply. HOWEVER, by no means does this mean I am anti-adoption!!! I'm so pro adoption its not even funny. I do want to experience pregnancy, childbirth and all that other stuff that many women do take for granted. I want my baby to have my husband's characteristics etc. I don't want to compete with other families to get a child. So, those who "just adopt" aren't just adopting they are saying, "Ok, this other route is not for us, our ultimate goal is to have a baby to love THE END." Its acceptance to the extreme. Some who are diagnosed with infertility go straight to adoption no questions asked. Others go through many treatments($$$ ) , have many heartaches and in the end find adoption is a great answer. Is either more right than the other? NO WAY!!! Each and EVERY situation is different. Their pain is different. Not greater or less, but different.

Those going through infertility have researched adoption (alot). Well, at least I have. I have learned a lot about it and I know I have more to learn. I have an advantage of not being as blind to it as I was adopted myself, but being on the recieving end of it all is different. It truly can be just as heartbreaking as infertility with many what ifs. So, if we chose adoption instead of fertility treatments it doesn't mean I don't want my own child. Its a route we would chosen and my husband and I have found answers to many questions.

1. How much does adoption cost?? Thats the $25,000 (cough cough) question. It depends how you adopt. If you adopt through the state it seems to be much cheaper as is going through a lawyer. Your best and safest bet is to go through an agency. It cost more, but the chances of the biological family backing out (my biggest fear) are less. By adopting through the state the parent's rights have been termenated already and that is not a fear. Having parent's rights terminated and SIGNED off is very important. I don't know if you remember the story of the little girl who was adopted at birth and at the age of 3 her "biological father" got her back because he didn't sign his rights away. I remember watching that story and crying. That would be a NIGHTMARE!!! There is also a nifty tax credit and some(not mine) jobs offer adoption assistance.

2. Domestic or International? Well, I use to say I'd adopt international, but as time has gone by and I've become more educated on the realities, so domestic may be the way we go.

3. But there are unwanted children EVERYWHERE why can't you just buy one??? Grumble Grumble. So much wrong with the above statement. WRONG, there are not unwanted children everywhere. There are parents who can't take care of their children everywhere, but they get them back eventually or they or older(this leads to my next question). Many times children are placed with family first(the state tries to do this) OR drumroll please........ they "just have an abortion!!!" Makes you want to scream doesn't it?? $500 dollars for an abortion vs helping a family have a child totally selfish. I would love to see the studies on the long term affects on the mother after abortion. Adoption totally and uterally selfless. Like Ronald Regan said "I've noticed all of those who are for abortion have already been born." LOVE IT!!!! Next, you don't BUY a child!!!! Yes, you pay money, but its for legal fees. You buy bread, not a child!!!

4. What age would you want a child? OH HOW I'D LOVE an infant!!!! However, an older child would be OK(2 or 3 maybe)

5. Would you adopt a child with special needs? While I greatly admire families that do ( I know some) I know it takes a lot of time etc and at this time I'm uncertain of that answer. I guess one advantage of having your own child is you know how the mother behaved during pregnancy and you know the background.

6. Would you adopt a child of another race? Oddly enough Tony is all for it, but I'm still on the fence on that one. I've seen people get very quick placements if they go this route and are very happy with no regrets. Its a great thing. I'd have to learn how to answer intrusive questions well and find other people who have gone this route for support.

7. Aren't you scared of ALL the paperwork?? Yes, if you didn't know you have to do a LOT of paper work for adoption, and you really put yourself out there. Nothing is hidden. Scary, yup. However, have you been to a fertility doc lately?? Your totally putting yourself out there too. Had an HSG??? More people see parts of your body than you would ever of hoped. So, I can hack it.

8. When would you adopt? Well, thats the luxury of adoption. I feel no rush at all. With fertility treatments I STRONGLY feel like "We dont' have much time." With adoption we have a good 10 years.

9. How much contact do you want your child to have with their biological family? I want my child to know the reality of their adoption. NO secrets. I want them to know their names, medical information etc. Giving up a child for adoption has to be the hardest decision you can ever make, so I can't forget the biological family. I saw one families website and what they did for the biological mom and I thought it was great. Its quite detailed, but I've saved the info for future reference. I know the mother doesn't want to be judged, but I know that she is making the most selfless decision for her child.

SOOOOOO many more things to go through, but as you can see there is no such thing as "just adopt."