Christmas

OK... this blog has gotten far too depressing.. YIKES!! I promise in real life I am somewhat more fun than this.  Christmas was fun and instead of making me sad to be around babies I was incrediably happy. I mean totally. My in laws have people who work for them who have a 10 month old and a 2 and half year old with one on the way. Even I panic at the thought of 3 at that age. I got to hold and play with them all Christmas morning. I was in hog heaven and I'm sure their mom was OK with having them off her hands for a little while.  Seeing my Sister-in-Law was good too. She was odviously pregnant, but I felt no jealousy at all. I think the main reason is because she had lost a child at 20 weeks and we spoke about how nice it must be for others to take their pregnancies so casually. She's at 23 weeks with this one and doing well physically. H er nurse sister has done a sono each week. That sounds like something I would be doing. I'd be a sono addict. Is there a Songram Anonymous?? If there is please sign me up now. I'm addicted to seeing my insides. They are kinda cool.

 I learned something.  I have gotten where I can't stand being asked questions about my infertility. I use to be non complacent about it. Now, I find it super intrusive. I need to remember that for myself because I know I've been guilty of that with other people. I autotmatically assume since I was so open about it that others who are going through it are as well. Some aren't, AT ALL!!! I had cousins asking me questions and they got all sympahetic. YUCK YUCK YUCK!!!!!  I couldn't tell if it was real or fake, but I didn't want to go in to details about where we were on the process of this with them.  I don't even know how they knew about our situation, but most people assume fertility treatments mean IVF when there isn't anything further from the truth. They don't get that, I don't care to explain it to people who I only see like 2 or three times a year.  Its too much emotional energy.

On another note there was a pregnancy announcement that threw me for a major loop Christmas Eve from my hubby's cousin who is engaged.  What the heck happened to getting married FIRST????  I mean COME ON!!!!! Is that a lost art??? Anyways,  I took it hard.   I won't go in to detials, but it wasn't pretty. I think sometimes the announcments are harder on me sometimes.  I want to get back to the place where I was happy for others and sad for myself. That was a better place to be. 
 So,  emotionally I was all over the place this Christmas. 

I hope everyone had a good Christmas.

Delayed reaction to Christmas

OK... from what I am reading on other blogs dealing with infertility I think I had a delayed reaction to what Christmas means to those who can't have children. Some people who are only on year two of this are in far worse of a place than I was at that point. That could be because at that point not only was I young, but we had very little money, so while not getting pregnant was painful I was almost of the mind frame that God did not intend for this to happen for us right now. Not to mention every time I mentioned it to my husband he'd blow it off. To him it was a we can't do anything about it right now why even discuss it thing. THAT has TOTALLY changed. THANK GOD!!!

  We'd spend Christmas with my parents and watch my younger cousins and neices open presents. We never received any because only children got presents.  This really should be no big deal because Christmas should be all about giving, but we have no children and while we love our neices, nephews and numerous cousins watching kids that are not yours open presents can only be so fun for so long after so many years. My parents would make us attend saying "Its all about the Children." I'd agree and feel guilty that I was upset about not getting anything. I'd feel selfish. 

Then came the year that my cousin who is ten years older than me, met her husband a year after I got married, married him a year after that,  got pregnant immediatly showed up with her new baby in tow. The baby of course was the highlight of the Christmas and rightfully so, but I think for the FIRST time ever I had a strong emotional reaction to somone else having children and not me. I was surprised by it. I had to run out of the room praying to God that no one saw me crying. My Sister-In-Law I think was waiting for me to break down or could see it in my face because she chased me to the bathroom saying, "You can adopt."  I went back in to the room later hoping no one noticed, and I don't think they did.  I remember feeling incredibly guilty.  I hated that.

Now, fast forward to this year... 3 years later after that incident. I thought time would make it easier, but it hasn't.  In years past we have done Angel Adoptions and bought gifts for children, just to be able to buy gifts for a child. I'm certain this year we will do the same, However, this year I would LOVE to skip Christmas. I would like to stay at my house and just be with my husband and puppies. WHY??? Well.... My pregnant Sister-in-Law and another pregant person will be there.  At this time I don't care to be around it.  I may feel different the day of Christmas, but I just don't care to hear all the pregnancy details. The only reason I am going is to keep My Mother-In-Law from disowning my husband. 

I have a doctor's appointment on the 23rd and for the FIRST time through all of this I am going to ask my doctor for some anxiety medicine. Even if I need it to survive Christmas I don't care. Unfortunantley this is a situation I can not remove myself from unlike a baby shower (where I can walk out or go to the bathroom if I get upset). This siutation I'm stuck in a house full of people.  While some people can make it through this on prayer alone and I can't tell you how much I admire that and am in awe of some people's strength.
 I can't. Not this year.

Facebook

If anything starts drama it most certaintly is Facebook!!! Now, the thing is most of this is self imposed drama due to pics and status updates alone. The other half is based on who is "friended" and who is not.  Now, I'm not one for holding too much in. However, on Facebook I have to. When I see a pregnancy announcment I have choices. I can chose to swallow my pride and congratulate them or just not say a thing or I could be totally cruel and say "AGAIN??" or something mean and all sorts of catty sounding that would defenintly start all sorts of drama. So, mostly I don't say anything.

Recently, one person on my Facebook wrote something to the effect of having a fantasy of what life would be like single and childless. Now, I understand needing "me time." We ALL need that. However, if you are going to post that for the world to see(even your Mother in Law) you need to be ready for the backlash. So, I wrote back, If you knew the reality behind those words they would take them back. That didn't go over so well.  To me if you wish your life was different you DO have a right to vent that. We ALL have those wondering momments.  I totally get that even without kids.  HOWEVER, my first reaction was to tell her  "Be careful what you wish for because I can tell you the reality of what life is like without kids." 


Remember though, that your status  updates can be seen by all and if you want the world to know what is going on in your private life or how you are feeling for only a moment then be ready for the consequences.  Be ready for judegment and cruel words if you say something mean that you feel at the moment and may not feel an hour later. There are momments that I want to write the truth, but I don't need hundreds of opinions and comments, and mostly only a VERY small percentage know what we are going through family making wise and I'd like to keep it that way. Now, I do have a link on my profile to Resolve  on there for a reason to clue people in and hopefully to keep them from asking questions about why I don't have kids.  Situations like this have made me more aware of what I write. I'm trying to stick to "Its cold" etc from now on. NO MATTER what is going on IRL!!!

Dr. Appointments, snow and Target

It snowed Friday afternoon, and being from Texas that is a RARITY!!! So, teaching was pretty much useless on Friday. I was concerned(OK Panicked is a MUCH better word) because it was suppose to freeze and my husband had a very very important Dr appointment. Yes, after 6 and a half  long emotionally draining years, and 3 different doctors we are finally able to get him PROPERLY diagnosed(I'll explain later my totally out of the blue emotional reaction to this). We were so excited because it was a step forward.  We got there and look at the forms and low and behold on them it has a list of things you have to pay UPFRONT(this wasn't included in the paperwork they sent us via e-mail). We tallied up the cost that we would have to pay at the first appointment and it equaled out to around $250. I was upset not to have been told this over the phone or in the packet of paperwork they sent us prior, but we NEEEDED to have this appointment and couldn't afford to cancel it, so I figured we would suck up the cost.  Well... 2 hours and a very invasive exam or two later the grand total was $400!!! He had to have a special test because his count etc was just THAT bad and we are that special. I am filling out a claim form TODAY along with receipts etc,  but its Christmas and we have gifts to buy and bills to pay. So needless to say I was more than a little upset about that.

That night was spent with me pouting and very upset at paying this. The next morning I was feeling a little better.  I'd gotten over the fact we spent so much and decided to try  "shop."  I went in to one store and then met my husband in Target. We went to X-mas isle and behind us was stocking stuffers and I just LOST it(told you it was totally out of the blue). All I could think of was, "What if we never have kids to give stocking stuffers to?" "What if we deplete every account we have to get a child and have nothing to show for it EVEN through adoption?" My mind was going in all sorts of directions. I tried to pray to calm me down which usually helps, but not this time(GREAT IN PUBLIC TOO THANKS!!!) I had to hide my head in my husbands jacket so that people didn't think I was totally insane and I was just overly affectionate in public. Poor guy. All he could say was "What do you want me to do?" I had no idea what he  could do, but I know I had to go to a different section of the store. I decided I could look at Xmas trees and be OK.  WRONG!!!! What was the first thing I saw with the ornaments??? "Babys first Christmas" ornament set.  I have been close to having panic attacks before, but this was different. The room started spinning and I honestly thought I was going to pass out or throw up. I wasn't too sure.  I probably would have had my  husband not had the frame of mind to get me out of there.  We left the STORE immediatly which just HAPPENS to be  right by a Babies-R-Us. So, pregnant people were everywhere(or it felt that way).

I thought I woudd be happy with being able to go forward and I am. I truly am, but the mere fact that it took us years to get to just the starting point really got to me. This is the point we should of been at 3 or so more years ago. The way it looks right now my husband will have to have surgery this coming year for at least a varicocile(which we have known about for a while) and possibly some other things that they are testing for right now and in January.  I'm OK with surgery. I'd happily undergo 4 surgeries each if the end result means a child.

Faith

As long as we have been in this infertility trial I honestly don't feel like I have lost faith in God.  Now, to say I haven't had my "Why me moments" (days) would be an overexaggeration along with momments of frustration with Him.  I still feel and hopefully will always  feel that God knows what He is doing. My faith can't be one of convienince. I can't say "OK God I'll believe in more if you just make my body do what I want it to do." or "bring a child to us through adoption."  We are a lot like little children at times I think. We pout and say "I'm not talking to you until you do what I say."  So, what do we do when we finally get an answer to our prayer??? Do we say "Thank You and" and forget when we turned our backs on Him  ???  That again is childless and something I am striving not to do. 

  To lose faith in God would be counterproductive I think.  I can see how it can happen in all honesty because when we pray we seem to expect God's answer to be "Yes" especially when it comes to something as basic as having a child. We don't understand why others get their prayers answered and we don't.  Reminding myself that God is in control is difficult especially as more people around me are able to go on with their lives.