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Monday, December 7, 2009

Dr. Appointments, snow and Target

It snowed Friday afternoon, and being from Texas that is a RARITY!!! So, teaching was pretty much useless on Friday. I was concerned(OK Panicked is a MUCH better word) because it was suppose to freeze and my husband had a very very important Dr appointment. Yes, after 6 and a half  long emotionally draining years, and 3 different doctors we are finally able to get him PROPERLY diagnosed(I'll explain later my totally out of the blue emotional reaction to this). We were so excited because it was a step forward.  We got there and look at the forms and low and behold on them it has a list of things you have to pay UPFRONT(this wasn't included in the paperwork they sent us via e-mail). We tallied up the cost that we would have to pay at the first appointment and it equaled out to around $250. I was upset not to have been told this over the phone or in the packet of paperwork they sent us prior, but we NEEEDED to have this appointment and couldn't afford to cancel it, so I figured we would suck up the cost.  Well... 2 hours and a very invasive exam or two later the grand total was $400!!! He had to have a special test because his count etc was just THAT bad and we are that special. I am filling out a claim form TODAY along with receipts etc,  but its Christmas and we have gifts to buy and bills to pay. So needless to say I was more than a little upset about that.

That night was spent with me pouting and very upset at paying this. The next morning I was feeling a little better.  I'd gotten over the fact we spent so much and decided to try  "shop."  I went in to one store and then met my husband in Target. We went to X-mas isle and behind us was stocking stuffers and I just LOST it(told you it was totally out of the blue). All I could think of was, "What if we never have kids to give stocking stuffers to?" "What if we deplete every account we have to get a child and have nothing to show for it EVEN through adoption?" My mind was going in all sorts of directions. I tried to pray to calm me down which usually helps, but not this time(GREAT IN PUBLIC TOO THANKS!!!) I had to hide my head in my husbands jacket so that people didn't think I was totally insane and I was just overly affectionate in public. Poor guy. All he could say was "What do you want me to do?" I had no idea what he  could do, but I know I had to go to a different section of the store. I decided I could look at Xmas trees and be OK.  WRONG!!!! What was the first thing I saw with the ornaments??? "Babys first Christmas" ornament set.  I have been close to having panic attacks before, but this was different. The room started spinning and I honestly thought I was going to pass out or throw up. I wasn't too sure.  I probably would have had my  husband not had the frame of mind to get me out of there.  We left the STORE immediatly which just HAPPENS to be  right by a Babies-R-Us. So, pregnant people were everywhere(or it felt that way).

I thought I woudd be happy with being able to go forward and I am. I truly am, but the mere fact that it took us years to get to just the starting point really got to me. This is the point we should of been at 3 or so more years ago. The way it looks right now my husband will have to have surgery this coming year for at least a varicocile(which we have known about for a while) and possibly some other things that they are testing for right now and in January.  I'm OK with surgery. I'd happily undergo 4 surgeries each if the end result means a child.

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