GRACE

The defentition of Grace in biblical terms is "Unearned gift, a favor bestowed as a gift."

It is with great happiness that I announced a birthmother has chosen us to parent her precious child.  I would like to keep the full details private, but it will be due January.

Over thrilled, overjoyed amazed is how we feel.  I remain in shock and awe in our birth mother's bravery.  We are also amazed at the positive reaction we have received from friends, family and strangers alike.

Adoption has evolved from what it use to be, and I praise God for that.  Our hearts are full and I have filled out more paperwork than I should, but with each form I fill out I focus on our gift.

I have had to have faith in this process.

I reflect on my blog and in one post I mentioned that maybe time was our obstacle.

This isn't anyone's timing,but God's.

So, when you pray, pray for our birth mother and  her heart. Pray for our precious bundle. Pray for us and our faith during this process.

Time flies

I'm in my 12th year of teaching, and happily teaching a new grade level. Whew!!! Much needed change.  My health is pretty good as I somehow turn 36 this year. That is 4 years from 40!! FORTY!!!!
I am not going to rush it that is for sure.   Since my last post we purchased a new Ford Escape. Love it!!  Not too much else has changed. We just keep on trucking after 12 years of marriage.
 So....I guess that is my update.

since my last post.

Wow... such craziness has occured since my last post.
I had the surgery. They had to remove my ovaries and tubes due to scar tissue. I also had a few complications. I had my bladder and bowel nicked.
I was on a low fiber diet and had a catheter for two weeks. You know those lovely bowel cleanses u have to do before abdominal surgery?? Do it!!! It saved me.
Then, 10 days after the surgery my incison got infected, and I had to be readmitted. Long story short, for the next 7 to 8 weeks I couldn't work because they had to reopen my incison and leave it open. Very eye opening and crazy. But.... I survived. Some people are not as fortunate and are fighting a much more difficult fight.
So, now I am dealing with menopause and hormone replacement.  Its fun stuff:(.  Through all this, I have been so impressed with my hubby who made every appointment and helped out with everything. I also don't think I could have had a more caring group of docs.  Super impressed doesnt even begin to cover it. I was almost in tears at my last appointment and wanted to say :"you care. You really care. Thank you soooo much."  I know that sounds miniscule, but I have never had a doc I feel 100 comfortable with that I can open up to.  I can tell my doc anything and not feel judged. Any question I ask isnt  dumb questions to him , and no arrogance. Ive had my share of rude arrogant docs. It drives me mad. I had an ovarian cyst removed over a decade ago, and that doc was great. Had we not moved, I would have made him my regular doc. The next doc had crappy nurses who laughed when they called with my husband's test results.  Then, we went to an RE here. I admired his knowledge,  but he was rushed, and I didn't feel cared for. I always left feeling broken. When I asked for some anti anxiety meds before Xmas because I was going to be around pregnant people he told me to be happy in the fact that I could drink and they couldnt. Did. Nothing.to.help.my anxiety.
 So, I feel like God brought these docs in to my life for peace of some sort.  I can't even think about the reality of never getting pregnant. I cant talk about it not even with my husband. I do all I can not to think about it.  They kept my uterus in because I guess it looked normal. So, with some creativity and my sister's eggs I could possibly get pregnant, but we  have no money to do such a thing. I deal with periods and hot flashes. We are working on balancing it all.  So, now that all the thoughts pouring out in any random order I don't know where this leads us. I'm drained emotionally, but feel blessed in others through all this.



 can tell anything to. This is the first one.

Blank

I'm titling this "Blank" because I'm at a loss on how to present this, and I haven't blogged in ages. So, I guess here goes...

I went to my Gyno for a bladder infection about a week ago. It was hurting my abdomen when using the bathroom. In a twist, my reg doc wasn't available and I needed someone right then. I went in, peed ( to make sure I wasn't pregnant. Ha) and he did an exam( this doc was around my age , so I was hesitant . That went away when I realized how professional he was). He felt around my abdomen and sent me down to radiology for an ultrasound. I wasn't panicked . I've had one before . This one though, lasted a good 30 minutes. The tech asked when my last CT scan was (like a freaking decade ago) and then asked when my last hcg (tube check)was. Now, before I go on. I'm not dumb. I knew something was up with my biznass. I had cysts in the past, so I figured that's what she was seeing. No biggie. Well, until she turned the screen so I couldn't see my insides. Which I love looking at . Then, she turned the volume up. Odd. However , I was calm, cool and collected until she printed out the long stack of ultrasound pics saying,"stay there I'm going to ask the radiologist if these are enough pictures." Yeah, dark room, alone freak out time. "Enough pics of WHAT!???" Was what inside my brain said. So, I hyper focused on a pic on the wall.  Upon her return I was told I was good to go and headed back up to my docs office . The doc shared with me that my tubes suck and have to be removed . They are what's causing pain. I have ovarian cysts. Then, apparently I have a solid small tumor( not cyst like my other ones) with a blood supply on my tube. Both of these need to be removed. Tumor and tubes. He said Fallopian tube cancer is rare, but we have to biopsy it to 

be sure . Now, I'm a girl with previous abdominal surgery, so all stomach surgery is a big deal. If it's cancer, I have a total hysterectomy and go from there. 

I know there are people going through treatments now, and I don't know how they feel. I don't want to know. So , I'm praying this thing is benign and then I'm done with it.  What this means on the fertility front likely is no kids, no treatments.  Nada. 

 So, I went in for what I thought would be a z pack I left with the news I needed surgery . I want it done and over with. I meet with an Oncologist (didn't even know what one was til a year ago ) Thursday for Preop and surgery is the next Friday . 

It is what it is

"It is what it is" is a quote that is seen to me as a "just deal with it, you can't change it" attitude. This can apply to every single situation in life.

So, here I am nearly a decade in to my chosen profession as a teacher and I'm debating whether I can take any more of this or not. There is so much I can't control. There is so much expected out of a teacher up to the point that we neglect our own emotional well being,and if you aren't you just aren't a good teacher. This mentality begins with society and extends to the mind frame of the higher ups who just haven't been there.
I never imagined being anything but a teacher, but maybe I can be a teacher in other capacities. I've always wondered "what would I do if I didn't teach???" Well, I've found my answer. I'd become a Registered Dietician. This is  something that 23 year old me (which happens to be the age I was upon graduating with an Elementary degree) would have scoffed at. Weight loss and success has inspired to have me learn more. With this floating around in my mind. Am I tired? Do I just need a vacation that I haven't had?
GREAT Questions!!!!!    I know for a fact that I don't think I can do this job for another 30 years. Forget all the intrinsic "rewards."

There are many things to consider.

1) I'd have to keep my teaching job while I pursued this as a Masters Degree online and I'd have some pre requs to take.
2) $$$$$$$
3) There is an Internship required. I'd have to plan what we would do for $ during that time.

I've done some internal thinking and beating myself up.

Does wanting to quit teaching mean that I'm a bad teacher? NO!!! Many wonderful teachers have quit because this is not what they signed up for. All the teacher prep programs in the world can't fix a broken system.  The testing is out of control. The children come to school with bad parenting and we are expected to fix it. I can still be a teacher, but teaching people who want to better their lives.

Can we afford this? I'd start taking my pre reqs at a nearby Jr College along with a nutrition course. Itd have to be a day by day thing.

Amazing how my life goals can change in a matter of a few years. I"m no longer the novice teacher. I'm jaded and don't see the system changing. I can't change it. Teachers have tried for years, but we don't get listened to. We get ignored and they add more to our already filled plate.

So, I'll be continuing my research, planning and praying to see if this is a direction I want to go!

If you can't say anything nice

I know I'm not the only one who sees this, but whenever there is an article about a couple who adopts a child or has fertility treatments the responses are extremely cruel from others. I have tried to wrap my head around this as it seems everyone has an opinion, but you really don't hear much about infertility on a daily basis as a topic. It doesn't make the cheeriest of conversations to be honest.
 So, why does it hit a nerve with people who have never lived it? Not only does it hit a nerve it brings out the mean spirits of people. Others tell people they shouldn't have children. "You can't afford adoption or treatments so why in the world would you want a child?" People say to "just adopt one of our millions of orphans in America" as if the process were so simple.
Generally, it seems these comments are made from people who can have children naturally.
I take complete offense to this. I think as a society if it doesn't affect us we don't care.
Many people don't see it as the painful topic that it is. They don't see fertility treatments as a way to start a family. They see them as selfish. I'm still trying to figure out how trying to create my own family makes me any more selfish then someone who gets pregnant easily.
Maybe we should take more concern with teenagers TRYING to get pregnant because its so glamorized than a stable, married couple trying to have a family. There should be NO reason I should have to defend myself with Infertility. That did not come to me as a choice. What did come to me as a choice was how I resolve it.
We've been through this going on TEN YEARS, so at this point I will tell people what I think or how I feel right after they say, "Well, my husband can LOOK at me and I get pregnant." UGH!!

Rich People Problems

I'm all for people working hard and making a lot of money to support their families. I also can empathize with people not wanting to part with their money by supporting others. I get that. I really do. My husband and I don't make a lot of money. We make enough to live on and to save a little, but not even close to six figures or over.There is a  blog where this woman is complining about having to go back to work to keep her nanny employed I have no sympathy. When you complain about childcare costing over 4,000 a month my sympathy bank goes in to the negative.While families can relate to paying for childcare I'd like to think most people aren't so stuck up that they have to send their nine month old to the ritziest daycare in town. HONESTLY... the kid POOPS in his pants as a hobby. 

I think its sad when people lose sight of real problems. There are people who can't afford to eat or buy clothes and you are complaining about paying your nanny? Where are your priorities lady? UGH. This is not a blog I read and think, "Oh I could SO be friends with this girl." Nope, I think, "Wow what a class A BIATCH!!" I enjoy reading other blogs because most of us live on planet Earth.