This Summer has been insane. It just has. First, we almost lost my Granny more than once. She is STILL in the hospital and we are unaware of what the outcome will be. My sister got married and that was a rushed mess. She's now pregnant as you can see from my previous post. Finally, I had back surgery. I had a hernia.ted disc and I needed surgery.
Its been a rough two months. I am surprised of how I am dealing with My sis pregnancy. It hurts I can't get pregnant that easily, but of all family members I want this to work out for her the most.
She and I were adopted and being identical we have the same DNA. So, in a way this baby will be half me. For some reason this makes me incrediablly sad but excited at the same time. Sad, because it won't be my husband annd I producing this child. Excited, because hopefully in the end there will be a little half me out there someway or another.
I can hate my body for not working the way I want and I do,but hating my sister won't help anything. I have been honest with her on the details I dont want to hear and she's respecting that so far. I don't wish her the pain of infertility, but I wish that on no one.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Desperation
OK, I've never been accussed of not being outspoken, and odviously I have my opinions on certain things in life especially when I've gone through them myself. I tend to get super outspoken when somone makes a mockery of what I've gone through or will be going through. This post is about a woman my age who CHOSE to have her embryos frozen for later on in life so she can afford to have children. Now, she chose to do this. Its her choice, her money etc. Come what may, she might possibly have children from this expensive procedure. Its not so much she did this as much as it is the word choice she used about infertile women having IVF. She referred to it as "Desperation IVF." CHOKE, GASP, SCREAM, YELL!! Ay YI YI... could this woman not be MORE uninformed. Then she goes off to spout all sorts of "factoids" etc. All the while trying to make herself sound like some sort of "fertile hero."
FIRST and FOREMOST I, nor any other woman who needs fertility treatments is DESPERATE!!! We, desperatly want a child, but we are not desperate people. Heartbroken, sad, confused, forgotten and living on hope through medical procedures is what we are, but to falsify and say we are desperate is a huge insult. Its as if we CHOSE this. Her cost of 71,000 (cough cough) for IVF is wrong. I don't know where she pulled that FROM. Also, IVF isn't JUST needed because of age. Some of us are blessed to have Severe Male Factor Infertility making this our only option for a biological child.
So, if you can read this article without flames coming out your ears I encourage you to do so and make a comment to correct her. She is flamboyant in her attitude, so say what you wish.
FIRST and FOREMOST I, nor any other woman who needs fertility treatments is DESPERATE!!! We, desperatly want a child, but we are not desperate people. Heartbroken, sad, confused, forgotten and living on hope through medical procedures is what we are, but to falsify and say we are desperate is a huge insult. Its as if we CHOSE this. Her cost of 71,000 (cough cough) for IVF is wrong. I don't know where she pulled that FROM. Also, IVF isn't JUST needed because of age. Some of us are blessed to have Severe Male Factor Infertility making this our only option for a biological child.
So, if you can read this article without flames coming out your ears I encourage you to do so and make a comment to correct her. She is flamboyant in her attitude, so say what you wish.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
ICWL and Fertility Authority
ICWL for July.
I now have my blog linked to Fertilityauthority.com. This is a great resource for families struggling with infertility. It discusses the emotions that a person deals with along with infertility and has SO many great resources. This site has grown so much in the past year. Their goal, like mine is to get the word out about Infertility and to give people resources that people need. You may have just gotten started on this rollercoaster with no idea of where to turn or you may be an old veteran (like me). I strongly urge you to check it out. It really is different from any site I have seen. I first learned of this site through Conceive This as she wrote for them as well.
My blog started as a way to vent about my day. I wasn't too certain I would make it an Infertility blog as it is a personal experience, but at that point my husband and I had gone through this for 5 years and if I heard "If you just relax" one more time I was going to scream! So, I did a LOT more reading of blogs than writing. I have found them much more resourceful than my own doctor. My doctor can't provide me the emotional support that others who are going through this can.
We have not done IVF as we can't afford it due to lack of insurance coverage. I know we are not alone in this. Our medical issues are PCOS,blocked tube and my husband has a severe varicocile (recent surgery for this). I blog about the emotional issues, possible adoption ( I waver daily on this one), and life in general.
I feel it is important to have our feelings validated. If your upset.. be upset. If your jealous and feel guilty about that. Thats OK too. I've been there. Its NOT a fun place to be. I hope you will find my blog interesting and helpful.
I now have my blog linked to Fertilityauthority.com. This is a great resource for families struggling with infertility. It discusses the emotions that a person deals with along with infertility and has SO many great resources. This site has grown so much in the past year. Their goal, like mine is to get the word out about Infertility and to give people resources that people need. You may have just gotten started on this rollercoaster with no idea of where to turn or you may be an old veteran (like me). I strongly urge you to check it out. It really is different from any site I have seen. I first learned of this site through Conceive This as she wrote for them as well.
My blog started as a way to vent about my day. I wasn't too certain I would make it an Infertility blog as it is a personal experience, but at that point my husband and I had gone through this for 5 years and if I heard "If you just relax" one more time I was going to scream! So, I did a LOT more reading of blogs than writing. I have found them much more resourceful than my own doctor. My doctor can't provide me the emotional support that others who are going through this can.
We have not done IVF as we can't afford it due to lack of insurance coverage. I know we are not alone in this. Our medical issues are PCOS,blocked tube and my husband has a severe varicocile (recent surgery for this). I blog about the emotional issues, possible adoption ( I waver daily on this one), and life in general.
I feel it is important to have our feelings validated. If your upset.. be upset. If your jealous and feel guilty about that. Thats OK too. I've been there. Its NOT a fun place to be. I hope you will find my blog interesting and helpful.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
What a month
Since I last wrote...
My sis got married, my grandmother was put in ICU, and I held a newborn baby.
I KNOW RIGHT????
My sis got married. I did face this with a little unease as I knew I would get the "when are you going to have a baby?" question. Of course I DID get that question... THREE times. I just said, "Eventually." I also got the "When you finally accept it and relax do you think you'll get pregnant?" Comment. REALLY?? I mean REALLY?? After seven years I'm still getting those lovely comments. Kill.me.now. How I would LOVE to educate the general public about the reality of infertility. Now, my brain wanted to strangle said person, but I just stated our difficulties.
My grandmother is in the hosptial. I got to see her, and that made me super happy. She is the best person I know and I feel like everyone needs someone like her in their lives. In my mind, she is near perfect. I know I'm a little bias, but I know many who know her would agree. This is where infertility saddens me again. I want my children to know this wonderful person. I hope that her illness is temporary and she gets better while we have her with us for another 10 years!!!
Finally, I, held. a. baby. Now, when a fertile person holds a baby they don't get "looks." When a known infertile holds one they get "looks." I can't explain it. Its either fear that I'm going to breakdown emotionally or find a back door somewhere and run off with said baby in my arms. I'm proud to say neither of those happened. Thank.you.very.much. I did not end up on the national news. However, this baby is in foster care. I can't say much more of the situation, but I believe they found a family for her.
So, we had a wedding, an illness and I did not have an emotional breakdown!! NICE.
My sis got married, my grandmother was put in ICU, and I held a newborn baby.
I KNOW RIGHT????
My sis got married. I did face this with a little unease as I knew I would get the "when are you going to have a baby?" question. Of course I DID get that question... THREE times. I just said, "Eventually." I also got the "When you finally accept it and relax do you think you'll get pregnant?" Comment. REALLY?? I mean REALLY?? After seven years I'm still getting those lovely comments. Kill.me.now. How I would LOVE to educate the general public about the reality of infertility. Now, my brain wanted to strangle said person, but I just stated our difficulties.
My grandmother is in the hosptial. I got to see her, and that made me super happy. She is the best person I know and I feel like everyone needs someone like her in their lives. In my mind, she is near perfect. I know I'm a little bias, but I know many who know her would agree. This is where infertility saddens me again. I want my children to know this wonderful person. I hope that her illness is temporary and she gets better while we have her with us for another 10 years!!!
Finally, I, held. a. baby. Now, when a fertile person holds a baby they don't get "looks." When a known infertile holds one they get "looks." I can't explain it. Its either fear that I'm going to breakdown emotionally or find a back door somewhere and run off with said baby in my arms. I'm proud to say neither of those happened. Thank.you.very.much. I did not end up on the national news. However, this baby is in foster care. I can't say much more of the situation, but I believe they found a family for her.
So, we had a wedding, an illness and I did not have an emotional breakdown!! NICE.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
What IF
This is a project that I feel like is amazing. It was started by Melissa Ford Author of Navigating the Land Of IF (Infertility). The essentials of this project are to write a "What IF" about Infertility and how its affected my life. This past week was National Infertility Awareness Week or (NIAW) and this week always gives me hope that our voices are getting out. First of all, 7.3 MILLION Amerians are affected by Infertility. The sad part is that it is horribly underfunded for research and so much lack of education among non infertilies about the topic. Infertility has affected me for the past nearly seven years. Its made me who I am today and taken me emotionally places that others from the outside looking in would think are irrational. Ive cried tears when I should be jumping for joy for another person. I've learned to cope in the way that is best for me, and I've certaintly learned the Ultmiate LIFE IS NOT FAIR rule of life.
So, My first What IF is: What IF I had gotten pregnant on my wedding night like I had planned nearly seven years ago?? There was something so innocent about who I was then as a newlywed and def something very freeing about throwing away the birth control. Seeing baby carriages gave me much hope and just knowing we were "trying" brought a smile to my face.
What IF: My heart can't take anymore? We can't afford fertility treatments needed so all around me people are getting pregnant and I'm seeing people go forward with their lives. My heart melts when this happens while we still feel stuck.
What IF: I have to face more holidays and me getting yet another year older without children? Last Chirstmas was horrible for me emotionally and this Easter wasn't much better. Seeing other people's children open presents and celebrate is tough even if its your own family.
What IF: We had coverage for infetility on our insurance? I wouldn't feel like there was a ticking time bomb in my uterus. Seven years ago we had all the time in the world (age 24) and I didnt' feel as rushed. As I near 31 its ticking away loudly. I wanted two children by 30. That was the plan. I did not want to be an older mother.
What IF: I never look in my child's eyes and see my husband's. My husband has the most amazing eyes. His eyes show every emotion he feels. My husband has amazed me so much in the past seven years. He's changed, I've changed and when I seem him with a child in his arms all it does it make me want one more. His eyes can take away any pain I'm feeling.
What IF: In protecting myself emotinally I alienate every person I ever knew, my family and my friends. We have decided not to visit family for a while and for Christmas we are having our own.
When its FINALLY my turn (hopefully sooner rather than later) will people be happy for me or roll their eyes?
What IF: I never get to decorate a nursery or get stretch marks and complain about fatigue and nasuea? Yes, I REALLY want all those things.
What IF: The only thing I get from my "monthly gift" is cramps and no baby. I feel women are designed to have children. Its stated many times in the bible along with God's understanding of the pain of infertility.
Now for my positive "WHAT IF"
What IF: EVERYONE "GOT IT" they understood the reality of infertility and didn't make insensitive remarks or judge us for the path we may take and others saw IF as the real life crisis that it truly is. We'd no longer be seen as selfish or irrational for wanting children. We'd have the inrusance coverage we so desperatley need, the emotional support from family, friends and bosses. There wouldn't be "OH how sad Why dont' you just adopt." As if their desire to become pregnant was the only one that mattered.
Infertility is not cut and dry. Its NOT new. Its been around since the beginning of time. There is real pain involved. Its tough to see other people take their fertility for granted.
www.resolve.org/infertility101
So, My first What IF is: What IF I had gotten pregnant on my wedding night like I had planned nearly seven years ago?? There was something so innocent about who I was then as a newlywed and def something very freeing about throwing away the birth control. Seeing baby carriages gave me much hope and just knowing we were "trying" brought a smile to my face.
What IF: My heart can't take anymore? We can't afford fertility treatments needed so all around me people are getting pregnant and I'm seeing people go forward with their lives. My heart melts when this happens while we still feel stuck.
What IF: I have to face more holidays and me getting yet another year older without children? Last Chirstmas was horrible for me emotionally and this Easter wasn't much better. Seeing other people's children open presents and celebrate is tough even if its your own family.
What IF: We had coverage for infetility on our insurance? I wouldn't feel like there was a ticking time bomb in my uterus. Seven years ago we had all the time in the world (age 24) and I didnt' feel as rushed. As I near 31 its ticking away loudly. I wanted two children by 30. That was the plan. I did not want to be an older mother.
What IF: I never look in my child's eyes and see my husband's. My husband has the most amazing eyes. His eyes show every emotion he feels. My husband has amazed me so much in the past seven years. He's changed, I've changed and when I seem him with a child in his arms all it does it make me want one more. His eyes can take away any pain I'm feeling.
What IF: In protecting myself emotinally I alienate every person I ever knew, my family and my friends. We have decided not to visit family for a while and for Christmas we are having our own.
When its FINALLY my turn (hopefully sooner rather than later) will people be happy for me or roll their eyes?
What IF: I never get to decorate a nursery or get stretch marks and complain about fatigue and nasuea? Yes, I REALLY want all those things.
What IF: The only thing I get from my "monthly gift" is cramps and no baby. I feel women are designed to have children. Its stated many times in the bible along with God's understanding of the pain of infertility.
Now for my positive "WHAT IF"
What IF: EVERYONE "GOT IT" they understood the reality of infertility and didn't make insensitive remarks or judge us for the path we may take and others saw IF as the real life crisis that it truly is. We'd no longer be seen as selfish or irrational for wanting children. We'd have the inrusance coverage we so desperatley need, the emotional support from family, friends and bosses. There wouldn't be "OH how sad Why dont' you just adopt." As if their desire to become pregnant was the only one that mattered.
Infertility is not cut and dry. Its NOT new. Its been around since the beginning of time. There is real pain involved. Its tough to see other people take their fertility for granted.
www.resolve.org/infertility101
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Well.. i just can't please everyone
We went to visit family this Easter. KIDS everyone including one newborn. I didn't oogle over it. I didn't really get around it or compliment the parents (sis in law) on their amazing procreating skills. I pretty much said NOTHING. I do this for totally selfish reasons. I figure one, they have heard PLENTY of oogling and ahhas that mine won't really matter and sometimes it just hurts to see a newborn. They are always reminders of what I dont have. This couple has lost one already and she was the only one I was OK with with being pregnant. I've oogled over my share of babies in my time. I refuse. I sat by the kid. I didnt pick him up. I didnt want to. I removed myself from the situation as best as I could. So, be pissed I didnt hold your kid because if that makes you upset you couldn't walk a DAY in my shoes.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Dr. appts
So..
My husband had his surgery for his varicocile. The Dr is optimistic. FAR more than me. Sorry, but six years of this kinda will do that to a person. The doctor did get two vials to freeze (for IVF if needed) and they are healthy!!! One small victory. We will know in 6 to nine months the optimal results. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, but I really want it to work naturally. For so long I knew there was NO chance of us getting pregnant naturally due to my husband's issues, but now there MAY be a chance even a small one and I'm hoping I don't get pulled back in to that "What if" each month. There is zero percent motility before the surgery, and I don't expect the surgery to fix that. Had there been SOME movement I would be much more optimistic. Infertility is such a hope filled and drained world. So, I'm trying NOT to get my hopes up. I'd be BEYOND THRILLED if this surgery fixed all, but again, I'm not expectinig it to.
My husband had his surgery for his varicocile. The Dr is optimistic. FAR more than me. Sorry, but six years of this kinda will do that to a person. The doctor did get two vials to freeze (for IVF if needed) and they are healthy!!! One small victory. We will know in 6 to nine months the optimal results. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, but I really want it to work naturally. For so long I knew there was NO chance of us getting pregnant naturally due to my husband's issues, but now there MAY be a chance even a small one and I'm hoping I don't get pulled back in to that "What if" each month. There is zero percent motility before the surgery, and I don't expect the surgery to fix that. Had there been SOME movement I would be much more optimistic. Infertility is such a hope filled and drained world. So, I'm trying NOT to get my hopes up. I'd be BEYOND THRILLED if this surgery fixed all, but again, I'm not expectinig it to.
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