Selfish

Yes... someone told me I was being selfish and reminded me that my sister in law didnt get pregnant to torture me.(DUH!!!) and God tells us to put others before ourselves.To give this person credit they did say it after they said, "I have no idea what you are going through."   I'm not mad at my Sister-In-Law. I'm mad at my own non working body and frustrated. Easy pregnancies are a harsh reminder of what I can't have.

First, I want to say.. I don't know what the rules are for emotional feelings with infertility.  I'm fully aware that others go through life crises too. They don't know the rules either.  I've prayed a lot, I 've done journaling, speaking with others going through this, and have done what I can to make myself better. That doesn't make me selfish. I've been told what I'm feeling is normal which is fine and dandy, but being called selfish hurts, but makes you reflect on why someone would say that. It might seem that infertility is all I think about. Its not. I eat, sleep, clean, pay bills and deal with other life stuff.  This is just a seven year long life crisis(didn't feel like one as much at first, but is sure does now)

However, I really thought about it because from the outside looking in I can totally see how I can be perceived that way. I mean I don't celebrate pregnancies, baby showers, and totally avoid maternity wards at all cost unless I have to go in them.  What this person doesn't realize is I use to LOVE to go look at the babies at the hospitals until just a few years ago even when dealing with infertility. It gave me hope. Kinda resparked my want/need for a child.  I would honestly celebrate pregnancy announcements and happily attend baby showers without putting on a fake face thinking, "One day it will be my turn and I'll be the one celebrating."  I would go to the baby isle and look at all the cute baby things. Now just walking anywhere near that isle hurts.  I didn't tell people for YEARS we were trying to get pregnant(you can do that when you get married young. People just think your waiting). So, I kept a lot hidden and faked a lot of smiles and it wore me out.  As time has gone on I guess you can say I've beome more cynical to the idea.  My mom was talking about baby names if it was a boy or a girl and I just couldn't do it. All I said was "mhm." I guess I'm not at that point yet with this. 

As far as putting others before ourselves. I couldn't agree more. However, do I sacrafice myself for the sake of someone else? No. On that note,  I truly hope that I can get to the point that I will be happy to have a new neice or nephew.  It won't be this kids fault I can't have one. I don't want to speak to my Sister-in-Law because she will try to comfort me and I don't need that from her.

Everyone is different. I had a infertile coworker who attended all the showers(heck she PLANNED THEM), births and anything baby related, but I know she's hurting deeply.  I think she does it for the same reason I use to attend them.

I call it Self Preservation. I need my freak out moments. I need to feel whatever it is I'm feeling at that moment. You can't deny yourself your emotions. I've learned that. My emotions have taken me totally by surprise. TOTALLY. I didn't expect to feel anything I have felt. I thought I'd truly be OK with not being able to have kids. Turns out I wasn't.