Christmas

OK... this blog has gotten far too depressing.. YIKES!! I promise in real life I am somewhat more fun than this.  Christmas was fun and instead of making me sad to be around babies I was incrediably happy. I mean totally. My in laws have people who work for them who have a 10 month old and a 2 and half year old with one on the way. Even I panic at the thought of 3 at that age. I got to hold and play with them all Christmas morning. I was in hog heaven and I'm sure their mom was OK with having them off her hands for a little while.  Seeing my Sister-in-Law was good too. She was odviously pregnant, but I felt no jealousy at all. I think the main reason is because she had lost a child at 20 weeks and we spoke about how nice it must be for others to take their pregnancies so casually. She's at 23 weeks with this one and doing well physically. H er nurse sister has done a sono each week. That sounds like something I would be doing. I'd be a sono addict. Is there a Songram Anonymous?? If there is please sign me up now. I'm addicted to seeing my insides. They are kinda cool.

 I learned something.  I have gotten where I can't stand being asked questions about my infertility. I use to be non complacent about it. Now, I find it super intrusive. I need to remember that for myself because I know I've been guilty of that with other people. I autotmatically assume since I was so open about it that others who are going through it are as well. Some aren't, AT ALL!!! I had cousins asking me questions and they got all sympahetic. YUCK YUCK YUCK!!!!!  I couldn't tell if it was real or fake, but I didn't want to go in to details about where we were on the process of this with them.  I don't even know how they knew about our situation, but most people assume fertility treatments mean IVF when there isn't anything further from the truth. They don't get that, I don't care to explain it to people who I only see like 2 or three times a year.  Its too much emotional energy.

On another note there was a pregnancy announcement that threw me for a major loop Christmas Eve from my hubby's cousin who is engaged.  What the heck happened to getting married FIRST????  I mean COME ON!!!!! Is that a lost art??? Anyways,  I took it hard.   I won't go in to detials, but it wasn't pretty. I think sometimes the announcments are harder on me sometimes.  I want to get back to the place where I was happy for others and sad for myself. That was a better place to be. 
 So,  emotionally I was all over the place this Christmas. 

I hope everyone had a good Christmas.

Delayed reaction to Christmas

OK... from what I am reading on other blogs dealing with infertility I think I had a delayed reaction to what Christmas means to those who can't have children. Some people who are only on year two of this are in far worse of a place than I was at that point. That could be because at that point not only was I young, but we had very little money, so while not getting pregnant was painful I was almost of the mind frame that God did not intend for this to happen for us right now. Not to mention every time I mentioned it to my husband he'd blow it off. To him it was a we can't do anything about it right now why even discuss it thing. THAT has TOTALLY changed. THANK GOD!!!

  We'd spend Christmas with my parents and watch my younger cousins and neices open presents. We never received any because only children got presents.  This really should be no big deal because Christmas should be all about giving, but we have no children and while we love our neices, nephews and numerous cousins watching kids that are not yours open presents can only be so fun for so long after so many years. My parents would make us attend saying "Its all about the Children." I'd agree and feel guilty that I was upset about not getting anything. I'd feel selfish. 

Then came the year that my cousin who is ten years older than me, met her husband a year after I got married, married him a year after that,  got pregnant immediatly showed up with her new baby in tow. The baby of course was the highlight of the Christmas and rightfully so, but I think for the FIRST time ever I had a strong emotional reaction to somone else having children and not me. I was surprised by it. I had to run out of the room praying to God that no one saw me crying. My Sister-In-Law I think was waiting for me to break down or could see it in my face because she chased me to the bathroom saying, "You can adopt."  I went back in to the room later hoping no one noticed, and I don't think they did.  I remember feeling incredibly guilty.  I hated that.

Now, fast forward to this year... 3 years later after that incident. I thought time would make it easier, but it hasn't.  In years past we have done Angel Adoptions and bought gifts for children, just to be able to buy gifts for a child. I'm certain this year we will do the same, However, this year I would LOVE to skip Christmas. I would like to stay at my house and just be with my husband and puppies. WHY??? Well.... My pregnant Sister-in-Law and another pregant person will be there.  At this time I don't care to be around it.  I may feel different the day of Christmas, but I just don't care to hear all the pregnancy details. The only reason I am going is to keep My Mother-In-Law from disowning my husband. 

I have a doctor's appointment on the 23rd and for the FIRST time through all of this I am going to ask my doctor for some anxiety medicine. Even if I need it to survive Christmas I don't care. Unfortunantley this is a situation I can not remove myself from unlike a baby shower (where I can walk out or go to the bathroom if I get upset). This siutation I'm stuck in a house full of people.  While some people can make it through this on prayer alone and I can't tell you how much I admire that and am in awe of some people's strength.
 I can't. Not this year.

Facebook

If anything starts drama it most certaintly is Facebook!!! Now, the thing is most of this is self imposed drama due to pics and status updates alone. The other half is based on who is "friended" and who is not.  Now, I'm not one for holding too much in. However, on Facebook I have to. When I see a pregnancy announcment I have choices. I can chose to swallow my pride and congratulate them or just not say a thing or I could be totally cruel and say "AGAIN??" or something mean and all sorts of catty sounding that would defenintly start all sorts of drama. So, mostly I don't say anything.

Recently, one person on my Facebook wrote something to the effect of having a fantasy of what life would be like single and childless. Now, I understand needing "me time." We ALL need that. However, if you are going to post that for the world to see(even your Mother in Law) you need to be ready for the backlash. So, I wrote back, If you knew the reality behind those words they would take them back. That didn't go over so well.  To me if you wish your life was different you DO have a right to vent that. We ALL have those wondering momments.  I totally get that even without kids.  HOWEVER, my first reaction was to tell her  "Be careful what you wish for because I can tell you the reality of what life is like without kids." 


Remember though, that your status  updates can be seen by all and if you want the world to know what is going on in your private life or how you are feeling for only a moment then be ready for the consequences.  Be ready for judegment and cruel words if you say something mean that you feel at the moment and may not feel an hour later. There are momments that I want to write the truth, but I don't need hundreds of opinions and comments, and mostly only a VERY small percentage know what we are going through family making wise and I'd like to keep it that way. Now, I do have a link on my profile to Resolve  on there for a reason to clue people in and hopefully to keep them from asking questions about why I don't have kids.  Situations like this have made me more aware of what I write. I'm trying to stick to "Its cold" etc from now on. NO MATTER what is going on IRL!!!

Dr. Appointments, snow and Target

It snowed Friday afternoon, and being from Texas that is a RARITY!!! So, teaching was pretty much useless on Friday. I was concerned(OK Panicked is a MUCH better word) because it was suppose to freeze and my husband had a very very important Dr appointment. Yes, after 6 and a half  long emotionally draining years, and 3 different doctors we are finally able to get him PROPERLY diagnosed(I'll explain later my totally out of the blue emotional reaction to this). We were so excited because it was a step forward.  We got there and look at the forms and low and behold on them it has a list of things you have to pay UPFRONT(this wasn't included in the paperwork they sent us via e-mail). We tallied up the cost that we would have to pay at the first appointment and it equaled out to around $250. I was upset not to have been told this over the phone or in the packet of paperwork they sent us prior, but we NEEEDED to have this appointment and couldn't afford to cancel it, so I figured we would suck up the cost.  Well... 2 hours and a very invasive exam or two later the grand total was $400!!! He had to have a special test because his count etc was just THAT bad and we are that special. I am filling out a claim form TODAY along with receipts etc,  but its Christmas and we have gifts to buy and bills to pay. So needless to say I was more than a little upset about that.

That night was spent with me pouting and very upset at paying this. The next morning I was feeling a little better.  I'd gotten over the fact we spent so much and decided to try  "shop."  I went in to one store and then met my husband in Target. We went to X-mas isle and behind us was stocking stuffers and I just LOST it(told you it was totally out of the blue). All I could think of was, "What if we never have kids to give stocking stuffers to?" "What if we deplete every account we have to get a child and have nothing to show for it EVEN through adoption?" My mind was going in all sorts of directions. I tried to pray to calm me down which usually helps, but not this time(GREAT IN PUBLIC TOO THANKS!!!) I had to hide my head in my husbands jacket so that people didn't think I was totally insane and I was just overly affectionate in public. Poor guy. All he could say was "What do you want me to do?" I had no idea what he  could do, but I know I had to go to a different section of the store. I decided I could look at Xmas trees and be OK.  WRONG!!!! What was the first thing I saw with the ornaments??? "Babys first Christmas" ornament set.  I have been close to having panic attacks before, but this was different. The room started spinning and I honestly thought I was going to pass out or throw up. I wasn't too sure.  I probably would have had my  husband not had the frame of mind to get me out of there.  We left the STORE immediatly which just HAPPENS to be  right by a Babies-R-Us. So, pregnant people were everywhere(or it felt that way).

I thought I woudd be happy with being able to go forward and I am. I truly am, but the mere fact that it took us years to get to just the starting point really got to me. This is the point we should of been at 3 or so more years ago. The way it looks right now my husband will have to have surgery this coming year for at least a varicocile(which we have known about for a while) and possibly some other things that they are testing for right now and in January.  I'm OK with surgery. I'd happily undergo 4 surgeries each if the end result means a child.

Faith

As long as we have been in this infertility trial I honestly don't feel like I have lost faith in God.  Now, to say I haven't had my "Why me moments" (days) would be an overexaggeration along with momments of frustration with Him.  I still feel and hopefully will always  feel that God knows what He is doing. My faith can't be one of convienince. I can't say "OK God I'll believe in more if you just make my body do what I want it to do." or "bring a child to us through adoption."  We are a lot like little children at times I think. We pout and say "I'm not talking to you until you do what I say."  So, what do we do when we finally get an answer to our prayer??? Do we say "Thank You and" and forget when we turned our backs on Him  ???  That again is childless and something I am striving not to do. 

  To lose faith in God would be counterproductive I think.  I can see how it can happen in all honesty because when we pray we seem to expect God's answer to be "Yes" especially when it comes to something as basic as having a child. We don't understand why others get their prayers answered and we don't.  Reminding myself that God is in control is difficult especially as more people around me are able to go on with their lives. 

Thankgiving

My Thanksgiving was great!!!! I spent time with my family and had some(TOO much great food).  We kept ourselves busy by shopping and just enjoying each others company. We even did the EARLY morning Black Friday thing. We swore we would never do it again, but this year we found ourselves at Wal--Mart way too early in the morning. My hubby got his laptop though, so all it right with his world:) We went to the Country Peddlers show and there was SOOO much there. I LOVE going there. I'm trying to get in the X-Mas spirit this year by decorating my house.

Birthfamilies

Since I am very strongly considering adoption this has given me time to reflect on my own adoption and how I want my child to view their biological families (these days call First Parents), its also a good way to see what I want done in our situation that may of possibly been overlooked in my own.

I was adopted through the state and those adoptions are normally closed. However, since I was finally given to my parents at the age of 4 after being fostered by family for 2 or so years (adoption finalized at 6 due to paperowork mishaps) I had memories and it was my parents choice if they wanted contact with the biological family.  We kept contact with my biological grandmother who I remember adoring. However, we did not keep contact with our biological mom or dad.  We were told by my biological grandparents that they did not know where she was(this turned out to be false) We were always told "she was too young to have children" and it was too much for her.  I always accepted that answer and went on with my life. Turns out that was the truth.  Given these facts alone I can see quickly that my family would of been one of disfunction had I stayed with them. Not to say my adoptive family is perfect(however they are pretty awesome) I feel a great sense of security with them far more than I ever did with my biological family.

If I ever had and questions towards my adoption it was: Why the HECK did my biological mom NOT give us up for adoption on her own? I KNOW she was young. I KNOW its difficult.   However, it would of prevented some unfortunate situations from happening to my older sister who was also eventually adopted as well.  The state had to step in .  Its one reason I get upset when I see girls getting pregnant so young. Their situation could  easily be the same.  

While my reasons for adopting will be different than my own parents, they are helping me with the process. My view of my child's biological parent (family) will be different than what they viewed ours as.

Weekend

My hubby graduated from the Fire Academy this weekend!!! I spent Friday cleaning and getting ready. It was a great weekend and he was on cloud nine when he found out he had passed all sections of his State Exam and the overall exam. This honestly was no easy feat. 7 out of 26 failed to the point that they will have to retake the whole thing. If he had failed one section he would have to retake that section only. Now, he can go on to take the EMT class.  I heard more pregnancy announcements this weekend. I swear they are everywhere.  I heard them all as I was stuck in a car with family and I couldn't leave. Jumping out of a car on a busy highway is probably not a good idea.  So, I prayed I wouldn't get angry especially when one of the announcements was enough to make my blood boil.  The prayer worked because pretty quickly I had put it in the back of my mind.  Now, the person giving the announcements probably wasn't too thrilled that I wasn't jumping up and down for joy, but hey give me credit I'm still  working on the anger part. I just kept telling myself, "God has a plan for me."   With this said.. I have to tell you what  happened later that evening..... I kind of see it as God's reward for being "good" and not getting angry.

We were at my cousin's house celebrating my hubby's graduation when in walked this couple (a little older.. mid 40s early 50s) with THE CUTEST little boy!!! I couldn't help but smile. I wasn't certain if he was theirs or what the deal was. He was a little darker, but not much, so he could of easily been theirs. You know how genetics works!!!! So, I asked them if the baby was theirs and they said they had adopted them. Well, I'm finding myself drawn to families that have adopted, and I said, "I HAVE to talk to you." So, she told me the story and then told me that the agency she went through only goes off referrals. Someone who has adopted through there has to refer someone else to adopt and she would refer us!!!  Of course I was thrilled.  It seems the more I become open to adoption the more it surrounds me. I find more people who have adopted. Its really tooo cool.

Update: Please pray for this family. This mom just had twins and one was diagnosed with Bacterial Meningitis. I don't know much about it, but keep them in your prayers. This is a blog I have read almost daily and never really commented on. http://www.conceptiondeception.blogspot.com/

All better

Ok... put a band aid on my wound I'm all better now... sorta.
I feel better about my Sister-In-Law being pregnant. I have NO IOTA of a clue why I do, but I do.  Now, I'm not all up for hearing details about it, but I've come to the conclusion my anger won't make anything go away no matter how hard I try. I've officially diagnosed myself as bipolar on certain aspects in life. When I hear pregnancy announcements all I want to do is freak out and do fertility treatments.  Then, in time I chill out and thne lean towards adoption. This little war is so much fun in my head, let me tell you.  I read adoption blogs and think..  "WOW!" Then, I think of the reality.. The paperwork etc.  I do have to admit that earlier this year I started collecting photos and going to the scrapbooking store to make a family scrapbook.  I even found some cool adoption scrapbook pages. So, I have the stuff.   Has it gotten started yet??? HA. Those good intentions get you everytime. 

I think pouring yourself in to the process is what you have to do to get through the reality of it all.  I wish more people would give their babies up for adoption. This, of course is a selfish wish.  If we adopted, we would have to wait until we had something more than our one bedroom apartment. So, we probably wouldn't even get started on the process until next Summer. HOWEVER, this does give me time to get the scrapbook ready as it would take me 6 months to do it. I'm certain it takes others a month or so, but I did start collecting stuff back in January and February, so history proves this will take me a while.

Things I know IF we adopt (and tomorrow I could totally change my mind.  Told ya I'm bipolar about this).

1. I want an infant or a young baby.
2. I want a semi open or open adoption.
3. If I adopt once I'll probably adopt again.
4. NO if I adopt I will NOT get pregnant if I adopt. I can't scream that loudly enough. It won't happen. Thank. you. very. much. That happens to people who have unexplained infertility, and we are SO not unexplained.
5. We'd move closer to our families.

So, we'll see.

Selfish

Yes... someone told me I was being selfish and reminded me that my sister in law didnt get pregnant to torture me.(DUH!!!) and God tells us to put others before ourselves.To give this person credit they did say it after they said, "I have no idea what you are going through."   I'm not mad at my Sister-In-Law. I'm mad at my own non working body and frustrated. Easy pregnancies are a harsh reminder of what I can't have.

First, I want to say.. I don't know what the rules are for emotional feelings with infertility.  I'm fully aware that others go through life crises too. They don't know the rules either.  I've prayed a lot, I 've done journaling, speaking with others going through this, and have done what I can to make myself better. That doesn't make me selfish. I've been told what I'm feeling is normal which is fine and dandy, but being called selfish hurts, but makes you reflect on why someone would say that. It might seem that infertility is all I think about. Its not. I eat, sleep, clean, pay bills and deal with other life stuff.  This is just a seven year long life crisis(didn't feel like one as much at first, but is sure does now)

However, I really thought about it because from the outside looking in I can totally see how I can be perceived that way. I mean I don't celebrate pregnancies, baby showers, and totally avoid maternity wards at all cost unless I have to go in them.  What this person doesn't realize is I use to LOVE to go look at the babies at the hospitals until just a few years ago even when dealing with infertility. It gave me hope. Kinda resparked my want/need for a child.  I would honestly celebrate pregnancy announcements and happily attend baby showers without putting on a fake face thinking, "One day it will be my turn and I'll be the one celebrating."  I would go to the baby isle and look at all the cute baby things. Now just walking anywhere near that isle hurts.  I didn't tell people for YEARS we were trying to get pregnant(you can do that when you get married young. People just think your waiting). So, I kept a lot hidden and faked a lot of smiles and it wore me out.  As time has gone on I guess you can say I've beome more cynical to the idea.  My mom was talking about baby names if it was a boy or a girl and I just couldn't do it. All I said was "mhm." I guess I'm not at that point yet with this. 

As far as putting others before ourselves. I couldn't agree more. However, do I sacrafice myself for the sake of someone else? No. On that note,  I truly hope that I can get to the point that I will be happy to have a new neice or nephew.  It won't be this kids fault I can't have one. I don't want to speak to my Sister-in-Law because she will try to comfort me and I don't need that from her.

Everyone is different. I had a infertile coworker who attended all the showers(heck she PLANNED THEM), births and anything baby related, but I know she's hurting deeply.  I think she does it for the same reason I use to attend them.

I call it Self Preservation. I need my freak out moments. I need to feel whatever it is I'm feeling at that moment. You can't deny yourself your emotions. I've learned that. My emotions have taken me totally by surprise. TOTALLY. I didn't expect to feel anything I have felt. I thought I'd truly be OK with not being able to have kids. Turns out I wasn't.

???

Well, my new (one month of marriage) Sister in Law is pregnant. 12 weeks to be exact... HMMMM do the math. This is my brother's wife. Along with my OTHER sister in law being pregnant with her 3rd one on the other side of the family it makes for an emotional catastrophy for me. My mom called last night (shes known for weeks) and told my husband... I grabbed the phone and asked.. "WHOS PREGNANT???" No one had to tell me I could tell by their conversation that was what was going on. I LOST it. I cried for HOURS and am still amazed at the irony of it all. Statistically, I should have a baby by now. I'm 30 and started trying at 23. She's had 2 kids already. One of them has already had a baby herself. So.. this STUNG bad. I went to sleep last night with a huge headache and woke up so depressed. I got in the tub and tried to think about being happy because I'm getting another neice or nephew(the 12th one) and I couldn't. I just started crying everytime I tried to think of it. I don't know where I am emotionally right now. I know where I was last night, and it was a bad place, but now I honestly don't know. I just hurt. That simple. I use to pretend to be happy for people when they got pregnant. Now, it just takes too much emotional energy.

Grief

As women we are conditioned to become mothers.  I don't care where you came from. We JUST are. Go look at any toy isle and you will find a babydoll with diapers and all the gear for a three year old to play with to prepare her for motherhood. Now, you won't find this in the boys isles!!!  We play house with our friends, put our doll in a stroller and keep them "fed." Growing up and "name" our future children as we talk with our friends. We talk of our future husbands and families and how we want to have 4 children 2 years apart. In Junior High we learn how "babies are made"(some learn before that). We eventually go on to High School and college, get married to someone we love to hopefully reach the goal we set for ourselves at the mere age of three. WOW... such high expectations of ourselves at such a young age.

Along with this Pregnancy is celebrated EVERYWHERE just look at the "Baby Bump"shirts and the baby clothes sections of stores. I mean its a huge market.  When a celebrity gets pregnant its news.  Its supposedly a wonderful experience. The most amazing feeling in the world. WHO wouldn't want that??

BUT>>>>What happens though when what we had engrained in us  growing up doesn't happen.?The birds and the bees don't work, Junior High Science fails us? We learned ALL about birth control. I don't think I saw the term IUI or IVF in my biology book. It all sounded so dang easy. Heck I was told I could get pregnant without even having sex(Someone explain that one to me).    Our emotions go out of wack... we have to rechange our thinking... join a new "world." The Fertile world is too painful and far to clueless to understand.  We simply GRIEVE... STRONGLY.. There is a name for this grief....

This is called  (def) Dis­en­fran­chised Grief: when the grief is con­nected with a loss which can­not be openly acknowl­edged, pub­licly mourned or socially sup­ported. In many cases of dis­en­fran­chised grief, the rela­tion­ship is not recog­nised, the loss is not recog­nised or the griever is not recog­nised. The loss of a child through infertility/ miscarriage is usu­ally a loss which can­not be openly acknowl­edged, which is why people often suf­fer in silence...people who have expe­ri­enced any type of loss often feel anger, guilt, sad­ness, depres­sion, hope­less­ness and numb­ness and that in cases of dis­en­fran­chised grief, these feel­ings can per­sist for a very long time. The lack of recog­ni­tion of their grief often results in them hold­ing on to it more tena­ciously than they might oth­er­wise have done.

Grief strongly needs to acknowledged as "right."  What one person may grieve another may not.  I feel embarassement, ridicule, and feelings of inadequacy leads to disenfranchised grief.  Grief needs an outlet. Some write, take photographs, make friends with others going through similar things and  others find strength in their Faith.  If one thing I have learned from my struggle with Infertility (and I've learned so many things) is I can't be afraid to feel what I'm feeling even if others "just don't get it" like my insurance company.  Each persons loss is different, but acknowledge it.

God's Plan

God's Plan and my plan a lot of times just don't mesh. I think at times he has to force his way to say "HELLO I"M HERE and in control you aren't." This happens with many things in life money, big purchases and odviously our "family planning" or lack there of. I've been following a blog of a local couple that had 6 children after having an IUI. Sadly, they just lost the 4th one. stanseljourney.blogspot.com This couple also happened to be in the NY Times who is currently doing a segment(very bias) on fertility treatments.



People's response to their posting of losing their child are heartwrenching and some are just plain cruel. I don't know if I would be able to handle it. Thanks to the lovely artcile in the Times about IVF and multiples that I won't even waste my time adding a link to, the comments are painful. One just really stuck out in my head "It wasn't in God's plan for you to have children you were meant to be inferile."

Now, How the Heck does that person know what God had planned?? I'm just curious. Are they "all knowing?" Do they have a one on one deal with God?? If they know God's plan in my life please tell me because they seem to know someone else's. Odviously, this upsets me as this is a matter that I feel very strongly about, but again its not a chosen path. I think of Rachel in the bible who couldn't have children and others would speak down to her and treat her horribly. She was desperate to have a child and literally on her knees. To assume that times have changes is a radical assumption. The basic desire to have a child is strong, and thank goodness it is there or we would of stopped existing years ago. I know I probably need to learn to ignore such comments, but I feel a very strong need to stick up for those who can't defend themselves.

Job

My husband got a job working with .... ME!!!!! It will be great to carpool and to have that time of the day together. These money issues have really been tough on us, and I am hoping that we can recover from it all in time to truly enjoy the holidays with each other. He graduates at the end of October and I am so happy and proud!!! Thank you for those who prayed for us:)

$$$$

My husband has not been working. To say this is tough on our marriage would be a huge understatement. Living on my paycheck is testing every part of our relationship. We've had to reduce expenses to only the bare minimum. The basics are getting paid, but that is it. He's had some leads, so we are crossing our fingers for that. Its stressful on me because I'm the one paying the bills and hes stressed because hes getting the run around on some of these jobs he's applying for. He's still in school and will be done at the end of this month. So, this will leave him with more hours open to work. One job thats looking possible would have insurance and alloow us to get him FULLY diagnosed PROPERLY(his last insurance didn't pay for diagnosis and he's had a few tests ultrasounds and such, but we need more done with a specialist) The fertility stuff is totally on the backburner right now as it seems as it has been for years. So frustrating, its like the rich can only afford this.

30

I turned 30 on Friday the 28th of August. I was soooo concerned I was going to be depressed on my bday. I'm so happy to say
that was not the case at all. However, the same can't be said for the night before. I was
still awake at midnight with Tony and he said Happy 30th. It hit me on what I had planned.
I wanted two kids by now and my tubes tied. Odviously, that's not the case.
I told Tony that and he just let me cry. I think that's what I needed. I went to sleep
Concerned the next day would be brutal. It wasn't at all. I hardly thought about it all day.
My job is a great distractor at times. I have many hopes for my 30s and am hoping that its
in God's plan that I am a mom sometime in this decade!!! Clearly, my plan and His aren't in sync.

School year

The school year is fixing to begin and for the most part I am ready. I have 20 students this year. Last year, I believe I had about 16 or 17. I should remember those things, but I forget the kiddos names the day they leave my class. My favorite part about teaching is seeing them grow up. I saw one of my old students who will now be in 8th Grade!!! I almost didn't recognize her. She was so sweet in class and I hope she stays that way. Junior High can turn them rotten if your not careful.

Yesterday, I drove home and thought I was ahead of a strom. WRONG. I was right in the middle of it. I drive on a very tall bridge to get home and I couldn't see in front of me. I know now that if its raining hard I don't care if I am at home or at school I'm just going to stay put. The radar made it look like worse storms were coming our way, and that is why I drove home when I did. DANG IT!!! My poor little car just trucked its way up the bridge. I think it was saying "I think I can I think I can." I desperatly need a new car.

On hubby job front we have a few prospects, but who knows what will work out in the end. We need it. This economy is rough. WOW. Its something you don't realize til you are out of a job.

Wish me luck on my First Week Back.. OH and my 30th B-day coming up on the 28th. I'll see how I feel that day about it, as for now I'm not too thrilled.

6

There is a family in the Houston area that just had 6 babies!! They
Were born 17 weeks early, and sadly two did not make it. The other 4 are
Fighting. The mother has almost exactly what I have and these babies were conceived through
IUI with injectibles which is what we would be doing had it not been for our
Lovely Male Factor. They seem like a really sweet couple and as u know I tend to root
For those who struggle the most. They went this route cause insurance wouldn't
Cover IVF(yet agaain another reason it should be covered). This couple had
Already lost twins. I always wonder how much loss a person can endure.
These people were not gready. Their goal was identical to mine and anyone elses.
One Healthy baby. So pray for this family and the struggles they will endure.
Here's a link to their site...stanseljourney.com

Summer

I moved classrooms (well halfway done) today. It's gonna be a different set up. I'm probably going to getting rid of some furniture.All I can say is "THANK GOD ITS ON WHEELS!!" We are still looking for a job for hubby. He was told he had one job, went to their training, filled out all the Human Resource junk and hasn't heard ANYTHING back. FRUSTRATING. We NEED money. We can't do without his paycheck. He quit is other job thinking he had this job, so this sucks. I'm not too excited about the school year. I love my job etc and I did get in to my classroom and all, but I'm not thinking "YEAH!!!" I just want it to be Summer(without the awful heat) all year long. Thats about it for now.

Oh, is it bad when somone posts on their MySpace status "Fertile Myrtle" and you say "must be nice." I'm certain the response I get will be not good and its not like people can't be happy they are pregnant because Fertlile Myrtles TOTALLY don't get those who aren't.

Priorities

Does our country have its prorities mixed up or what???

Why do we celebrate the fact that an abortion pill (that costs a mere $400) works?? Why do we celebrate the death of a child molestor for his "art"? I'm really honestly worried about our countries moral compass. When more pro abortions get a thumbs up and those that are anti-abortion get a thumbs down I think we have a problem. Life starts at conception.. END OF STORY. It states in the bible God knew us before we were in our mother's womb. Kinda neat if you ask me. God knows my future kids and I don't. I've always thought of it like that.

My view may not be popular as I have learned, but I feel abortion is a weak choice. How LUCKY you are you can chose. I don't get that choice(not that I would chose it). Some feel adoption is a weak choice. I don't know why because who knows where I would be if my parents had not given me up for adoption.

What I dont understand is where abortion even began. What is the history behind it? I do know women would die from it and you don't want that happening, but did we lose God somewhere along the way. Women panic, I understand that, but come on. THINK. Its a CHILD. A REAL HUMAN.

Read the article below...

Roughly a fourth of American women getting early abortions last year did so with drugs rather than surgery, statistics show, as a new study reported improved safety in using the so-called "abortion pill."

Some experts predict the percentage of such "medical abortions," which offer more privacy than surgical termination at an abortion clinicor hospital, will rise even more due to the new study.

The research, done at Planned Parenthood clinics across the country, shows that a new way of giving pills to induce abortion virtually eliminated the risk for a rare but dangerous infection.

"This is the first really huge documentation of how safe and effectivemedical abortion is," said Dr. Beverly Winikoff, a professor of family health and population at Columbia University. "The technology is very good and very well used in this country, and probably will be used more and more."

Two pills are used to induce an abortion. The primary drug, Mifeprex, was first approved in the U.S. in 2000. Use has risen steadily, even though manufacturer Danco Laboratories LLC of New York hasn't promoted it and the drug can only be obtained at a clinic or doctor's office, not through a pharmacy. Sales rose 16.5 percent last year, when about 184,000 American women used Mifeprex.

Medical abortions now account for about a quarter of early abortions, according to company spokeswoman Abby Long. At Planned Parenthood, the biggest provider of medical abortions, they amount to 32 percent of early terminations.

The group's study analyzed medical abortions at Planned Parenthood centers between 2005 and mid-2008 — about 228,000 cases. It found the abortion pill was about 98.5 percent effective and that changes in how the drugs were given reduced risk of a serious infection from barely 1 in 1,000 cases to 0.06 in 1,000.

The results are reported in Thursday's New England Journal of Medicine.

The procedure, which works during the first nine weeks of pregnancy, involves swallowing Mifeprex, known chemically as mifepristone, at a doctor's office. Originally known as RU-486, the pill causes an embryo to detach from the uterine wall. A second pill, misoprostol, is used 24 to 48 hours later to cause contractions and push the embryo out of the uterus.

These drugs are different from Plan B, which is taken within a couple days of contraceptive failure or unprotected sex to prevent pregnancy from occurring.

Originally, the procedure involved inserting the misoprostol pill into the vagina where the medicine was absorbed. But by the end of 2005, four American women and one Canadian had died of a rare bacterial infection afterward, spurring concern among providers and criticism by abortion opponents.

So in April 2006, Planned Parenthood told its 300 clinics offering the procedure to instead have patients put the misoprostol pill in their mouth and let it dissolve.

Some clinics also began providing a week's course of antibiotics to avoid infection; the others tested women and treated any with sexually transmitted diseases. In 2008, all the clinics started giving patients antibiotics.

"We decided we needed to make a safe procedure even safer," said the study's lead researcher, nurse practitioner Mary Fjerstad.

By the study's last six months, serious infections had declined to one-16th of the original rate.

"I think that providers are going to be pretty impressed with the data," said Dr. Beth Jordan, medical director of the Association of Reproductive Health Professionals, which plans to highlight the findings to doctors, nurse practitioners and pharmacists at its annual meeting in September.

Given that 87 percent of U.S. counties have no abortion provider, Jordan said the findings might encourage some primary care doctors to offer abortion using the pills.

"But I don't think it's going to open the floodgates," she said.

In October, the National Abortion Federation, representing 400 centers that provide more than half of abortions in the U.S. and Canada, will review the findings and decide whether to make changes accordingly. Federation President Vicki Saporta said current guidelines allow putting misoprostol in the cheek to dissolve, swallowing it, or inserting it in the vagina, which more than a third of her member clinics do.

Saporta said abortion opponents "have been misleading people into thinking that medical abortion is unsafe," but the study proves the procedure is safe. The cost is $400, only slightly less than the median cost for an early term surgical abortion.

Since approval in 2000, there have been six deaths from sepsis, a bloodstream infection, among the more than 1.1 million American women who have used Mifeprex, most recently one in July 2007. That's a death rate of less than 1 in 167,000, according to the maker, and less than 0.1 percent of patients have needed transfusions.

Misoprostol, which is officially approved in the U.S. for preventing stomach ulcers, is sold under the brand name Cytotec and made by Pfizer Inc.

Winikoff and Saporta both raised concerns about giving a full course of antibiotic treatment to all women to prevent very few infections — unlike the brief preventive dose given with surgical abortions. They said that could trigger a rare allergic reaction, add to the problem of antibiotic resistance and add to the cost of the procedure — making it unaffordable in developing countries.

Chris Gacek, a senior fellow at the anti-abortion Family Research Council, said he wasn't surprised by the increasing use of Mifeprex.

"I don't think at this point we're going to do anything" to try to limit its use, he said. "It's hard to know whether this increases the (total) number of abortions."

___

Dreams

I don't know if dreams mean anything. I really don't. I just know I wish I could control them. It always seems that when I get the idea in my head that we should adopt or persue other options I have dreams of our child together. I rememeber one dream had a little girl in it who was red headed and had Tony's blue/green eyes and she was ours. Of course I don't remember all the details from the dream, but I woke up thinking I HAVE to have a baby(kind of like in the scene during Up and the wife sees babies in the clouds and all she has is babies on her brain). I have had dreams where I'm pregnant and others where I just had a baby. I wonder if its God's way of telling me not to give up on having my own yet or am I reading too much in to this?

Lucky and where do we go from here.

I feel pretty lucky to have my hubby. We've been going through this infertility stuff for 6 years now and its rough odviously. However, I am finding out that there are couples out there where one can want to keep going on with fertility treatments and the other doesn't or one says an ABSOLUTE "NO" to adoption. We've never been like that. Actually, its always been what I want to do. I guess its a good thing. We are both on the same page as "We HAVE to go forward." We just can't sit here and do nothing as it feels like thats what we have done for years.

I can recall our frame of mind each year.

Year one----- We heard a lot of "just relax" I MEAN A LOT!!! That wasn't frustrating then because we were totally oblivious to what was ahead. In the beginning "just relax" can be encouraging. I even got the "your so young, just wait a few years." I heard that one often. Didn't "get" how people cried at pregnancy announcements. I thought they were overreacting(oh, how niave I was)!! However, I've known all my life I could have trouble getting pregnant and always thought "I'll just adopt." Didn't realize that decision isn't so cut and dry. Spent about $100 on pregnancy tests!!!!

Year two-- Really got tired of hearing "just relax" and find out yours truly isn't ovulating and hubby's sperm count SUCKS. That was a fun year let me tell ya. However, we were broker than broke, so it was a mixed blessing to not have to buy birth control. Besides .. I was 24 I had "plenty of time." Enjoy looking at baby stuff still. Start OPK

Year three-- Moved and finally have health insurance only to find out fertility treaments aren't covered. Knowing we will have to pursue fertiltily treatments we go to RE and find out we might as well skip all the low tech crap and go straight for IVF. That was tough to hear, but FINALLY an answer. Meet coworker who has gone through the same thing. Ironically, she plans the baby showers at the school. WOW!!! Hearing pregnancy announcements really starts to sting, but I'm optomistic that we can afford fertility treatments. Learn that OPK are useless with PCOS.. waste of money. Proctor and Gamble owe me $$$.

Year Four---- Can't do anything due to cost restrictions. So, sit back and watch everyone else go forward while hearing ignorant comments from people. Realize that people are pretty dumb. Let family in on whats going on. I know FOUR years later, but really I didn't want people to know. I didn't want to hear ANOTHER opinion.

Year Five--- Go back to doc and as I walk in the building I wonder why the heck there are maternity clothes in the "gift shop." Seriously, it should be in a whole different building. Doc says "its been yada yada number of cycles you need to start treatments." DUH. You just make them cheaper and we'll talk about it.

Year Six--- Will turn 30... REALLY considering adoption of going to another country to have treatments.

Praying about both options.

Tony did say something pretty cute the other day. I called him after hearing about an IVF program in Cheh(sp?)Republic that would cost about $7,000 (EVERYTHING total 14 days) and he said "Would we have to pay for an extra plane ticket if there are three of us on our way back."

Such a dork.

With adoption We'd have to wait too as we only have a one bedroom apartment and we want Tony to finish school before we go any further. While I am leaning towards adoption I don't know if the agency will let us go further if we haven't pursued treatments. Its a catch 22.

Advocacy Day

Ok.. Tomorrow is Resolve Advocacy Day and its an organization I fully believe in. Resolves purpose is to provide support for those who are going through fertility and support. They are responsible for Illinois passing its IVF coverage (YEAH) for insurance. Texas laws have not been changed in 22 years. They are advocates for Adoption Laws and are basically a great positive voice. A great organization that I wish more people were fully aware of. Most people are fully aware of my view on infertility coverage on insurance.

I have come to find it amazing how we ignore or really honestly don't pay too much attention to organziations that stand up for others or speak up for those who may be unable to speak up for themselves until we need one. I wish I could be in Washington tomorrow as they speak with Senators and Representatives. Its just not financially feasible. I hope they are truly listened to and not glazed over. With this new "Health plan" idea my concern is these services won't be covered for those that need it. They are expensive and if I had my choice in life no one would ever need these services.

Even if I chose to do adoption I know I won't forget what got me here in the first place. I know adoption isn't for everyone and I want no one to suffer financially because of it or fertility treatments. I mean what in life can be MORE positive than having a child when you TRULY want one?? They change laws for those that don't want there children and keep having more all the time. Heck, those people get paid to have more.

So, finally I hope we get listened to tomorrow as I know those going are brave and want to be heard!!!

Adoption forums

I'm frustrated.
I'm looking at adoption forums trying to get ideas from others who have adopted, but all there seem to be are imbittered biological parents trying to force the fact of what they gave up and how much pain they are in and what are their rights.

Well first off.. UM you gave up your child (hopefully in the child's best interest) you have no rights. My own biological mother tried to get my medical records from the hospital a few years ago and they wouldn't grant her access to them and she didint' understand why. Well, her rights were terminated by the state.

Next, I keep seeing the term "first mother" "First Parents'" YUCK!!! It's biological mother/parents. END OF STORY. I remember when I was little I referred to my biological mom as my real mom and my adopted mom was not a happy camper. She quickly said, "I'm your real mom." Very true. I see why she said that now.

Open Adoption can be a positive thing if clear rules are made. I don't want my child to have a step mother/father like relationship with their biological parents. However, I think they need to know the reality of their background so they are not disillusioned.

Counseling: I desperatly want the biological family to have counseling. I don't want her to go through her life wondering "what if?" The reason she'd give the baby up is so she and the baby would have a better life.

Anniversary

Today is our Six year anniversary. Its also Father's Day and the First Day of Summer all in one!!! I chose this day to get married because its the longest day of the year. I also had a 12:45 wedding that FLEW by. Total Blur. Its been a long, eventful six years, but they have been great.

Why Don't You "JUST ADOPT?"""

OK.. the above words are very painful and very loaded words. They basically say.. "get over how you feel and just get a non biological child." I have had this said to me numerous times. They can hurt deeply. HOWEVER, by no means does this mean I am anti-adoption!!! I'm so pro adoption its not even funny. I do want to experience pregnancy, childbirth and all that other stuff that many women do take for granted. I want my baby to have my husband's characteristics etc. I don't want to compete with other families to get a child. So, those who "just adopt" aren't just adopting they are saying, "Ok, this other route is not for us, our ultimate goal is to have a baby to love THE END." Its acceptance to the extreme. Some who are diagnosed with infertility go straight to adoption no questions asked. Others go through many treatments($$$ ) , have many heartaches and in the end find adoption is a great answer. Is either more right than the other? NO WAY!!! Each and EVERY situation is different. Their pain is different. Not greater or less, but different.

Those going through infertility have researched adoption (alot). Well, at least I have. I have learned a lot about it and I know I have more to learn. I have an advantage of not being as blind to it as I was adopted myself, but being on the recieving end of it all is different. It truly can be just as heartbreaking as infertility with many what ifs. So, if we chose adoption instead of fertility treatments it doesn't mean I don't want my own child. Its a route we would chosen and my husband and I have found answers to many questions.

1. How much does adoption cost?? Thats the $25,000 (cough cough) question. It depends how you adopt. If you adopt through the state it seems to be much cheaper as is going through a lawyer. Your best and safest bet is to go through an agency. It cost more, but the chances of the biological family backing out (my biggest fear) are less. By adopting through the state the parent's rights have been termenated already and that is not a fear. Having parent's rights terminated and SIGNED off is very important. I don't know if you remember the story of the little girl who was adopted at birth and at the age of 3 her "biological father" got her back because he didn't sign his rights away. I remember watching that story and crying. That would be a NIGHTMARE!!! There is also a nifty tax credit and some(not mine) jobs offer adoption assistance.

2. Domestic or International? Well, I use to say I'd adopt international, but as time has gone by and I've become more educated on the realities, so domestic may be the way we go.

3. But there are unwanted children EVERYWHERE why can't you just buy one??? Grumble Grumble. So much wrong with the above statement. WRONG, there are not unwanted children everywhere. There are parents who can't take care of their children everywhere, but they get them back eventually or they or older(this leads to my next question). Many times children are placed with family first(the state tries to do this) OR drumroll please........ they "just have an abortion!!!" Makes you want to scream doesn't it?? $500 dollars for an abortion vs helping a family have a child totally selfish. I would love to see the studies on the long term affects on the mother after abortion. Adoption totally and uterally selfless. Like Ronald Regan said "I've noticed all of those who are for abortion have already been born." LOVE IT!!!! Next, you don't BUY a child!!!! Yes, you pay money, but its for legal fees. You buy bread, not a child!!!

4. What age would you want a child? OH HOW I'D LOVE an infant!!!! However, an older child would be OK(2 or 3 maybe)

5. Would you adopt a child with special needs? While I greatly admire families that do ( I know some) I know it takes a lot of time etc and at this time I'm uncertain of that answer. I guess one advantage of having your own child is you know how the mother behaved during pregnancy and you know the background.

6. Would you adopt a child of another race? Oddly enough Tony is all for it, but I'm still on the fence on that one. I've seen people get very quick placements if they go this route and are very happy with no regrets. Its a great thing. I'd have to learn how to answer intrusive questions well and find other people who have gone this route for support.

7. Aren't you scared of ALL the paperwork?? Yes, if you didn't know you have to do a LOT of paper work for adoption, and you really put yourself out there. Nothing is hidden. Scary, yup. However, have you been to a fertility doc lately?? Your totally putting yourself out there too. Had an HSG??? More people see parts of your body than you would ever of hoped. So, I can hack it.

8. When would you adopt? Well, thats the luxury of adoption. I feel no rush at all. With fertility treatments I STRONGLY feel like "We dont' have much time." With adoption we have a good 10 years.

9. How much contact do you want your child to have with their biological family? I want my child to know the reality of their adoption. NO secrets. I want them to know their names, medical information etc. Giving up a child for adoption has to be the hardest decision you can ever make, so I can't forget the biological family. I saw one families website and what they did for the biological mom and I thought it was great. Its quite detailed, but I've saved the info for future reference. I know the mother doesn't want to be judged, but I know that she is making the most selfless decision for her child.

SOOOOOO many more things to go through, but as you can see there is no such thing as "just adopt."

cars

My car had a blow out yesterday on a major highway!! It was so scary. I decided the best plan was to call the cops because of the location that I was at was so full of traffic. Well, I SHOULD of called Metro because they would of fixed my tire and not had my car towed like the cops did. Did you know if you call a police officer and they call a towing company to get your car the bill SKYROCKETS? I didn't!!! So, if you ever have anything happen on the side of the road like that. CALL your insurance, Metro or anyone else FIRST!!!

Summer

I stuck to it!!! I'm not teaching Summer School or working on Curriculum this Summer. However, this Summer may be the one we need the money the most!! Tony's not working as much as in the past, but I guess we'll be OK. I just need my Summer.

WHY should I be happy for YOU???

I woke up in the middle of the night worrying about my brothers upcoming wedding. While I'm 

happy he's getting married again and is happy. I started worrying about their quick engagment and upcoming wedding. The wedding is June 13 and they probably got engaged about a month ago.  So, what was I worried about? I was worried they will spring up an "announcement" at the end of the reception. "Oh by the way we are expecting."  I was imagining my reaction which would be me walking out so I don't embarass the crap out of myself by crying or just throwing things. Heck I NEVER know how I'll react. Plus Tony(the one I cry to) won't be there and it'll make it sting worse. 

 This is a legitimate worry because it will be the first time I've met any of her family and they will from then on out see me as the bitch Sister in Law who walked out on her brother's wedding.  Now, as MUCH as I love my brother he's not the most sympathetic of humans (in all honesty my family is a little lacking in that department) and I can see him saying, "shes a grown up she'll get over it." So, I called my mom and my mom said "I hope she announces that." WHAT????  Since when was she OK with one of us being pregnant before we got married?? I then told her to get him to give me a heads up if she's pregnant because I want to know before hand so I don't make a fool of myself and I can prepare myself emotionally. 

I think others think I'm selfish, but I'm not at all.  In all honesty I'm thinking of them because I don't want to ruin it for them. My mom tells me to be happy for others who are pregnant and I use to be (when we were FIRST trying), but I can't be.  I finally said, "That's like telling a person who has cancer to be happy for all the healthy people." She laughs when I tell her I can't be happy and I won't be. Something I've learned is you can't tell people how to feel. It's difficult not to, but you can't. What they feel is what they feel. There are reasons behind it. 

So, WHY should I be happy for those who get what I want easily??  I'm not talking about money here.  In time I'd be O.K. with it I guess, but at first I'd be pretty upset. 

 While people say you can't compare your life to anyone else's in all honesty it's how I measure time.  Example: This couple has had 3 children(one starting Kinder) in the same time we've been trying for one" or "this couple has been able to afford IVF(or their amazing insurance covers it)  and got pregnant and are now on baby 2."  I know many who have, met, gotten married, had two kids in the time we've been trying for one. It's painful and this is why Infertility is a whole different world and they have to try and seperate themselves from the "Fertile world."  They can't POSSIBLY understand 100% what we're going through, and I don't need someone telling me to "be happy for someone else." It's been OUR turn for a long time it's not theirs.

Pouring salt in to a wound

I'm very frustrated with the audacity of some people.  My husband has an Ex (broke up in 2001) and she just had the AUDACITY and GUMPTION to e-mail me and tell me that one of her kids was his and he needs to step up instead of being a "dead beat dad." I honestly thought a dead beat dad was one who KNEW of their kids and then ran away, not one who had not a clue. However, this woman just poured salt in to a wound. ONE, the kid is not old enough to be his. TWO, it's not physically possible.  THREE this is not the first time she has said this. I won't go in to why they broke up, but it's a mess too.  I'm sickened and in awe that someone can say this.  I'm sorry she can't afford to raise her child. I'm sorry the REAL father of her child is the deadbeat because technically it's IMPOSSIBLE for my husband to be the father and if he WAS he wouldn't be a deadbeat.. THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!!

We are just one of those "lucky" couples who have severe male feritlity and female infertility.  

This just hurts so bad because this person (who I will not make any judgements about on this blog) does not know our situation and I will not give her the knowledge.  She is throwing something in OUR face that she has (by another man) and claiming that my husband is a DeadBeat. HOW DARE HER???????  I'm so angry right now.  

If I had a child I wouldn't use it as a pawn.  I wouldn't tell a man or his WIFE of six years that the child is his as a downright LIE. That's just sick.  Why do these kind of people have children so easily and not appreciate them? This is for certain in the "not fair" category of life.  

Yeah I said it.. Sue me

I follow message boards for infertility and normally they are a very productive place to vent. Everyone going through the same thing.  I find it helpful to only talk to women in my age group because we can't get pregnant due to medical issues, NOT our age.  There is difference. Now, if I wait too much longer to do IVF age will be a factor.  Well, one woman who  is about to turn 44 just went to the fertility doc for the first time(after getting off the pill at 38 thinking she had all the time in the world ) and was SHOCKED to find out she had basically run out of time. WHAT?? So, I commented and said, "I'm FLOORED that your suprised you can't get pregnant."  HELLO???? I know women are having babies later.. blah blah blah, but what people don't realize is that is due to fertility treatments a lot of the time. Anyway, the comment didn't go over so well (suprise suprise) which I kind of figured it wouldn't. These women said that they didn't have the education about biological clocks back then(TOTAL B.S because my mom told me). I think they just thought it would "never happen to me."  So, THIS is why I only talk to women my age. The older ones are bitter because they technically waited to long. THe younger ones are bitter because they followed the rules and it's not working. The two don't mix. 

going forward

OK. I"ve expressed my extreme frustration with the fact we just CAN'T go forward with fertility treatments( due to financial constraints). Well, we've decided to go natural!!! I know strange huh since we've beeen "going natural" for oh, six years. I don't mean no condom(TMI I KNOW.. but when it comes to this there is no such thing), I mean herbal. We are going to try supplements. Heck, I might even do accupuncture. WHY??? Well, I need to feel like I'm doing something. Will it work??? Who knows.
Of course I want it to work, and I've heard many stories about going herbal working. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, but what excites me is that I'm doing something.
This is all kinds of emotional, and not being able to fix this is like saying "OK, you have cancer, and we have the treatment that has a pretty good chance of working, but the older you get the less chance it will be effective, but you can't have it because you can't afford it."
Like I said earlier, infertility diagnosis is just as stressful as cancer. I can see how. So many unanswered questions and one step forward can just be as easy as one step back. Oh, I've made another promise to myself. I'm getting all the toxic people out of my life. It's tough, but if they aren't going to be supportive to me (all I need is a "I'm thinking about you) like saying "It's not a contest" or telling me how to run my life. I need them out for now. I need to be as positive as I'm able to be in what has been handed to me and I don't need ignorance to keep me down.
So, pray for me that this works:) Thanks!!!

Decision

OK... With a migraine and all yesterday I made a decision.
I chose Third Grade. There are a few reasons. One being I will get to keep my classroom (just found out this afternoon I won't be moving rooms). Another reason is that I will be Looping ( moving back up to the Fourth Grade with the kids) so I will be teaching 4th Grade the next year again. So, it's a change, but not a huge change. First Grade would of been a huge change. This will be a good decision. I get along with the 3rd Grade team just fine and I like them all. No problems at all. In the end it will be a good choice.

Decisions

OK.. I am the most UNDECISIVE human that ever walked the planet. Just ask my husband he'll tell you so. Apparently next year our 4th Grade team will have one too many teachers and they need to move one of us to either First Grade or 3rd Grade OR go to another school and teach a 4th Grade opening there(that would be a HECK NO!!) So, we have to decide by tomorrow who is going where. ACCKK!! We have like one day notice. HUH?? Well, one team member has been at our grade level for a year and doesn't want to move. I don't blame her, who would want to learn the ropes over again for another grade level? Another has 20 years experience and is going no where and the other doesn't really want to move, but if need be she would take First. So, that leaves yours truly. It basically looks like I will be teaching Third next year.
I'm playing with the idea of First as I have taught it before, but I'd really have to rechange my frame of mind to First Grade again. I love the cutsey stuff in First, but they sure are little. There is also SO much growth in First. As far as being rewarding there is no doubt First Grade is that.
Third is their first year of the TAKS, but I feel I'd be pretty successful with this as I know what they should know for the upcoming year. DECISIONS DECISIONS!!!
I love the teachers on both the First and Third Grade teams. They are great to work with and are great people in general, so that's not even in my decision.
I hate having one day to make a decision, but I guess in a way it's a good thing because I'd just stew on it for a week and make it more complicated if I didn't!!!!
I don't really want to leave my team as we work well together and are all pretty good friends, so that sucks too, but I don't really have a problem getting along with other people either. Anyway... I'll update with my decision later.

my job

OK... I'll be the First to say.. "I LOVE MY JOB!!!!" and no I'm apoligizing for saying that either. I've heard a few people lately apologize fore loving their jobs. I don't understand this at all. Why suffer for 25-30 years of your life just to "tolerate" your job? I'm a teacher there is stress in all sorts of directions with that (ESPECIALLY right before TAKS and other situations).

I think the reason that people feel guilty for loving their jobs may be that we are raised seeing people dread going to work everyday. Remember Office Space??? Not all jobs are like that, and I certaintly wouldn't want a job that was in an itty bitty cubical. That's not for me, but someone wants that job and I hope they enjoy it because I don't think I could stand dreading going in to work everyday. It would be miserable.

Those who are miserable at work find your hardest to either find something good in it or get another one!!! Those who aren't your doing yourself a disservice by not admitting that you are happy at it.

sad/Easter... LONG:)

Easter went pretty well. We went to my husband's families house and my nieces and nephews went Easter Egg Hunting. We did this all on Saturday due to conflicting schedules etc, but it went very well. Tony and I even RAN in the mornings and I'm not a runner. I'm glad we did though!!!
We also invited Tony's best friend and his wife to join in on the fun.

Well, of course they are pregnant, because right now it's just the cool thing to be apparently. Neeless to say, I found out about their pregnancy RIGHT after I found out about 3 others. So, I didn't handle it very well, I was very concerned about how I would behave. I warned my husband and my Mother In Law that if I walk out I just needed to get away, and if I was going to have a break down please just let me be. No ones seen me have a break down except my husband and I didn't think that was the time or the place for someone else to witness this lovely scene.

Now, the PLUS side to this situation is that she tried for three years to get pregnant, but she got pregnant taking the same meds I am(Eventhough she's taking the same meds our situations are much different) so she's not exactly unsympathetic and won't tell me "Its not a race." I KNEW that wasn't going to happen. She's 13 weeks and cautiously optimistic. When she got there it was awkward and I kept myself busy in the kitchen while Tony entertained them in the dining room. THANK YOU!!!!! EVERY bit of support I have from Tony just makes us stronger.

So, I went in to the dining room when I was ready. It's so strange, I have no clue how I am going to react until the very moment I am faced with another pregnant person. I just know no matter what I didn't want to make them feel guilty. If that is possible. So, we sat down to eat and there was no discussion of the pregnancy. This is one of those lose lose situations really because OF course they are happy and want to talk about it, but given our situation they were kind enough not to rub it in.

I was relieved to realize I wasn't angry I just found myself extremely sad. I sat there during and after lunch in complete silence (which is NOT normal for me) and just thought about how lucky she got. (Even when my Sister -In-Law talked about how all these people in her family are pregnant I didn't flinch, however my pregnant friend looked at me I think expecting me to break down. I just hyperfocused on the trees outside.) She went through this and WON!!! She won't have to spend all the money she anticipated on spending on IVF!!! So, I was sad for me. What if that's NEVER me??? I honestly don't know if I can emotionally bear that. I really don't. I found myself wanting to ask her questions and finally did because I was curious. I know she was waiting for me to bring it up or not, kinda put the ball in my court. I slowly asked her how her family reacted and how she's feeling. She's not forgetting the struggle that got her there.

Who knows what will happen in the future with them, but Tony said I was awesome!!! Big sigh of relief. I of course do wish them the best and NEVER hope for bad things out of jealousy. EVER heard of Karma????

validation of STRESS..

WELL... Here's proof I'm NOT going insane.. WHEW.... THIS EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.
Below is an excerpt from research done with inferility.............Here's an excerpt:


How does infertility cause stress ????


Infertility Causing StressResearch has shown that women undergoing treatment for infertility have a similar, and often higher, level of "stress" as women dealing with life-threatening illnesses such as cancer and heart disease. Infertile couples experience chronic ( long-term) stress each month, first hoping that they will conceive and then dealing with the disappointment if they do not.It is helpful to differentiate between external stress and internal stress; as well as stressors you can control and those which you cannot. Internal stress arises when you are not able to achieve the goals you set yourself while external stress is created by relatives, friends, and work pressures. Some stressors you can do nothing about – for example, the frustration you feel when your period starts. However, there are many others which you can control. As an example, many patients get upset when they are forced to wait in the doctor’s clinic. Waiting can be stressful, so do carry a book to read – while you cannot control the stressor, you can modify your response to it, and this helps to decrease your distress.Why is infertility stressful ?Why

Infertility is Stressful

When diagnosed with infertility, many couples feel helpless and no longer in control of their bodies or their life plan. Infertility can be a major crisis because the important life goal of parenthood is threatened. Most couples are accustomed to planning their lives and experience has shown them that if they work hard at something, they can achieve it. With infertility, this may not be the case!However, not all stress faced by infertile couples is emotional or psychological - infertility treatment can be physically stressful as well! Blood tests; injections; hysterosalpingograms, inseminations and surgery can be painful, awkward, and embarrassing.There is considerable financial stress too and this is especially acute for poor patients. Infertility treatment is expensive, and this represents a major hurdle. Many patients drop out of treatment because they cannot afford it, and this can be very hard to come to terms with, especially when they know they could have got pregnant, if only they could have afforded the treatment.

I Feel like mouse on a sticky trap

Six years and we aren't any further. OMG.. SERIOUSLY!!! Truly, life's ultimate cruel joke. I know how these women in the bible felt when they couldn't become pregnant. FORGOTTEN!!!Some societies rule you as an outcast. While in America that doesn't happen as bad as other countries. There still is an ignorance toward infertility that I wish would go away. It's not chosen and I'm not uneducated and I gurantee you this had made me more Pro-Life than I ever thought I'd be. To say this has changed me and my outlook on life is an understatement. It's left me with unanswered questions.... WHY does an abortion cost $500 and IVF $10,000 per try not including drugs? Shouldn't it be the OTHER way around??? WHY does the government reward women who can have babies and can't afford to raise them with welfare checks and they don't pay a DIME in taxes because of their decuctions? WHY are infertiles well educated women AND men?? WHY can't people realize infertility is a disease and NOT a lifestyle choice(it has recently been declared a disability!!!) WHY can't insurance cover SOOO much more for so many who deserve it?? How can people be so cruel at times and shock the living daylights out of me??

Right now, and honestly in what seems like it's been forever I'm in total limbo. Not being able to go forward with having a family is like being stuck hense the title. I think with time it gets worse. I'd thought it'd get better, but the feelings change. I become more rushed, scared, imbittered and beaten down JUST because I can't SOLVE my problem. I've become someone I've never thought I'd be. I can go to the doctor a zillion times and get results and can do NOTHING about it. It's not like the possible result to our problem isn't there. It is, we just can't afford it. That alone kills me, and if we could afford it that doesn't gurantee it to work. This STILL doesn't keep me from wanting to go ahead with it. If I'd had this much determination in high school I'd of been Valedictorian!!! SO many unkowns!!!!

Those who don't have to endure any infertility treatments lack a certain understanding. While they can never truly understand, and I'm not evil enough to wish this on someone. It's a Handle With Care Situation." It's truly all encompassing. Every aspect of your life is controlled just for hope. Emotionally, I'm so erratic. Some days I'm O.K. others I'm a mess inside. Physically, I've found something I can control, so I've started working out and have lost weight. I've become my own psychologist and figured out pretty quickly I've done this because THIS I CAN control and since I wasn't getting pregnant and I felt like my body was controlling me I took over and had to control it. What I've noticed is I've never seen someone become an alcoholic over this, and infertility is the perfect formula for it if you ask me. However, us infertiles tend to treat our bodies pretty good and have been taking Pre-Natals for eons, drink very little and we DON'T smoke. We are prepared, let me tell ya!! We are the POSTER children on what you SHOULD DO!!!!

Financially.. that's a joke. We had a new insurance meeting the other day. Premiums went up. Did my insurance get BETTER?? Of course not. NO IVF coverage. However, they can diagnose it. Makes no sense if you ask me.

I remember the days before I even considered having children ,probably in high school I would see women on TV who had like 6 children at a time due to fertility treatments and I'd think "If they had faith they wouldn't need fertility treatments." GEEEEE... that was so ignorant!!! I'd see these women or hear stories and would think "That won't be me, I might have problems getting pregnant, but I won't need fertility treatments." YUP, I KNOW this is everyone's fear and when someone gets pregnant on their own they have to feel relief that "at least it's not me." I know I would feel this way if this was me, and I have in the past when I'd hear those stories. Just hearing those stories stressed me out. So, NEVER say "I'd never have fertility treatments." because you don't have ONE IOTA of a clue what you really would do when actually faced head on face to face with it. Many a couple has said that and has had to eat their words. It's very humbling to say the least.

We aren't any further than the day we were diagnosed, like a mouse on a stick trap. We are a complicated case. Still, though, I know what my end goal is. That's what keeps me going.

trick

Ok.. Maybe TMI , but I have OFFICIALLY found the trick to getting a late period to start. Just either take a pee test and your period will start the next day or just buy them in prepreation to take the next morning and BAM. I'd say this is about 90% effective because in the past I have taken pee tests only to have it to start the next week.
I was going good for over a year I was "on time." This is good for many reasons the main two are I was probably ovulating(yup wasted months) AND no getting hopes up. It was tough, but still no false hope.
I know after this long I shouldn't even get my hopes up, but when your body tricks you you start to think "well maybe" and break down and buy a pee test sometimes. Other times you just think "great whats wrong now??" and don't buy anything because you don't need another reminder. Other times I just get frustrated because I'd rather have it arrive on time than trick me. NOT COOL!!!Frustrating is a small adjective to describe this.
I have rules though. It CAN'T be a digital test. I don't need to see "Not Pregnant" in words and Tony has to be there. I learned this one the hard way. I use to take them without him there so that I could "surprise" him just in case. Each time I'd end up in tears. So he now has to be there. I have this cute little plan all hatched out that I won't be able to use (such a waste of imagination) I won't give away the details, but maybe one day I can HOPEFULLY "semi" use it. Also, the Pregnancy test can not cost over 6 bucks. Luckily, we found Target has 2 for $6.00. Having Tony there has proved to be great because we can talk about it more and get emotions out. I dont normally get my hopes up too much, and think Proctor and Gamble owe me some massive money by now.
Any aspect in dealing with all of this just sucks. The not being able to go forward sucks. We can't put our lives on hold right now. I don't have all the time in the world. I know 30 isn't old by any means, and women have babies late in their 30s "these days" but with PCOS your ovaries don't work right and your eggs have a tendency to well... suck. Basically, time is not really on my side.

Random thoughts about Economy

Random thoughts about this CRUDDY economy.. I have no solutions, but have an inkling to our "REAL" problem.

This morning at the gym the 3 TVs were on 3 different channels. EACH of them on the Sunday morning news and EACH of them talking about the dreadful economy. One was interviewing a single mother who had lost her job and had to resort to dancing at clubs to pay the bills, another was a different family in the same situation, the last was just a report on the sales decreases. ALL were depressing and showed dreadful outlooks. They even had a poll that had asked Americans how long they think this bad economy will last. Now, while I feel it's important that we are financially aware I personally like to relax on my Sunday mornings. Sunday USE to be a day with the family to reflect. Instead its so dreadful just to turn on the T.V!!!!

Why can't we as individuals and businesses follow Dave Ramesy's advice??? If you don't have it DON'T spend it!! Save!!! My father has followed this all his life. Much of what Dave Ramsey says sounds like my own dad. We never had much and what we did have was mainly given to us at Christmas or our Birthdays. I now know my parents saved up pretty much all year long and our Christmases were GREAT!!! If we ever "begged" for anything my mom would say "ask Santa" and if we KEPT begging we got "the look" from mom. Those "things" were not our right.
To this day I don't understand when people say "I want to give my kids the things I didn't have."" Well, what was it YOU felt you were without?? The newest, most expensive video game? The coolest clothes?? WHAT?? What kids WANT and NEED is security and love. They are so bombarded with "stuff," even more than we were, and it's ALL expensive!!! I remember being a foster child living with the couple before my parents adopted me (even though I was around 3 or 4) and all I wanted was a stable family. The more "stuff" you give a kid the more they want. So, that could be huge part of our problem.

Another, is these HUGE bonuses. HELLO.. I'm a teacher, "Supposedly" the MOST important profession and I've never really received one. AIG is giving out like 198 MILLION in bonuses!!! WHAT IS THAT?? I know their base salaries are far higher than mine for certain. What do they base their bonuses on? They talk about "teacher accountability" endlessly and how would we determine if they deserve a bonus. Well, these people just show up to work and get a bonus. It's a catch 22. People will complain endlessly if I get a mere few thousand in bonuses, but really they say little about business people. Can't the fact that I put up with stupid people telling me how I "should" do my job earn me a bonus???

I think our economy shakes up every once in a while for us to get back to our "roots" work hard, and SAVE.

Time

Tony and I have been trying to get pregnant going on SIX years. HOWEVER, we have not been able to go on to the next step of our lives due to one thing.. MONEY. It's not the fact we don't have the money to raise a child. WE DO!! We don't have the money to get pregnant with one. It's SO frustrating!!! I can't even write in to words how frustrating it is. I'm seeing my friends get married, have children and all the things that go along with it. It seems once one round of people get pregnant and have kids another round starts. It goes in cycles almost every nine months. I lose my friends!!! My mom says this is just something that happens, and I guess it does, but it's NOT something I chose. Now, if I wanted my life without children that would be different. I'm now seeing people who have gone through the same thing I have trying to get pregnant and they were able to do this because they were finacially blessed or their insurance company covered it. I wanted a baby at 23 because I knew it might be difficult, but never did I imagine this. NEVER. I wanted two children by 30. I don't want age to be a factor either. The "just adopt" thing is B.S. because I want to experience pregnancy and everything that goes with it, but for now I just have to listen to other people's pregnancy announcements as they pop up almost daily on Facebook or MySpace. I just feel really ripped off by life right now.

Peace

I saw this and thought it went well with what we are discussing at school.....


"Be at Peace," by Saint Francis de Sales

Do not look forward in fear to the changes in life;

rather, look to them with full hope that as they arise,
God will lead you safely through all things;
and when you cannot stand it,
God will carry you in His Arms.
Do not fear what may happen tomorrow;
the same understanding Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and every day.
He will either shield you from suffering or will give you the unfailing strength to bear it.
Be at peace then, and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations.


0

funny

"What does not kill me does not make me stronger. It makes me anxious, bitchy, and vulnerable...but nobody wants to see that embroidered on a pillow."

I thought this was HILARIOUS!!!!!!

jealousy

Whenever I hear of another pregnancy announcement I'll be the first to admit I tend to get jealous/angry depending on who it's coming from, but for the FIRST time in a long time I heard one and I actually thought "Good for her!!"
Yeah, I even shocked myself!!! Now, it was Elizabeth Hasselbeck(who I can only take in itty bitty doses before wanting to drive a nail in my eye), but I know she struggled getting pregnant with baby number 1 and I'm not certain about 2 and three. When I mean struggled I believe she had to do IVF. I get sympathetic when people have to do IUI's or IVF not so much just Clomid. I guess it's because by the time you've reached IUI or IVF you've been through an emotional tornado.
I don't know if I was happy because I tend to be happier for those who struggle or go through a hard time than for those who BAM all of a sudden get knocked up, or if this will be an on going trend. Maybe I will actually start being happy for pregnant people. HMM I hope so. No one wants to get upset when other people have something good happen.
It could be the mood I was in that day as well. We shall see!!! I do know though when I start IVF I will such a lovely bitch(some people aren't, but I know me I'll bloat up and be a crabby ass) that these "announcements" won't make me a happy camper, but I hope until then I can be happy for all of those that get pregnant around me. I really truly want to be. I use to be. I always loved a great baby shower in the past.
Though a part of me will always be quite a bit happier for those who have suffered or struggled. It just comes with the territory.

misconeptions

Yes, some woman gave birth to octuplets , all of which appear to be fine, born at 30 weeks. I normally don't like to contribute to the hysteria surrounding these types of stories However, I realize that mandy people have not gone through infertility and are not familiar with the NORMAL course of fertility treatment, so I felt a duty to address it in the hopes that I can clear up even one person's misconceptions.

This is NOT normal. Despite the comments you read in any article on this story, this is NOT what happens when people "ignore god's will" and insist on undergoing risky fertility treatment rather than "just adopt". The reason this is in the news is because it is an anomaly. It is also the nightmare of any decent RE or patient.

Furthermore, this is VERY unlikely the result of IVF. I got angry when one of the stupid idiots on View referred to how the mother should have known that her "in vitro" would result in 8 babies. Women undergoing IVF rarely have more than twins. Most REs transfer 2 embryos in an in vitro cycle, occasionally 3 or 4 if the woman is (a) of significantly advanced maternal age, (b) has multiple failed cycles and/or (c) has very low quality embryos. I've never seen on my boards any more than 4 transferred, and have never seen anyone pregnant with more than triplets, and even the triplets are few and far between - in an anecdotal guess I would say fewer than 5%. This is not to say that it doesn't happen, and that doctors don't transfer more, but the standard of care in fertility treatment is to transfer about 2 absent extenuating circumstances. IVF'ers do not have 7 or 8 babies.

What could cause an octuplet pregnancy is probably ovarian hyperstimulation with injectable meds, followed by intrauterine insemination (IUI). However, MOST REs will cancel an IUI cycle if the patient shows more than 3 mature follicles, for the very reason of avoiding high order multiples. Most REs also recommend selective reduction for more than 3, and counsel patients before going forward with an IUI that this is a possible recommendation with more than 2-3 follicles, and the patient has the option to cancel if they are not comfortable with Selective Reduction.

Moral of the story? This is not a typical result of fertility treatment, it is likely due to someone's irresponsibility, either a doctor, the patient (sometimes when counseled against going forward with an IUI due to too many follicles, couples will still have sex in hopes of getting pregnant anyways), or both. I was grateful to see this was the angle on the story some papers took, rather than the sensationalist. Please don't mention the octuplets to someone you know going through fertility treatment and ask if this will be them (same goes for Jon and Kate plus 8).

So, please don't make cruel comments to those who are struggling to get pregnant. Even a "You might have 8 children at one time" or "This is what happens when you play God." is cruel and thoughtless.


I know that I'm lucky that my friends and family are more sensitive and understand that my children will not be science experiments or sources of topical levity, regardless of their method of conception. If more people knew the truth about fertility treatment, maybe others wouldn't be subjected to such cruelty either.